"The Conflict" - Myth of the Perfect Mother

[tropaka]

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/par ... le2416509/

Anyone read/heard of this book? Here's a bit from the article:

Ms. Badinter argues that yesterday’s patriarchy has been replaced by the tyranny of a suckling baby, and the pressures of “natural†parenting in the form of drug-free childbirth, co-sleeping, and cloth diapers. Moreover, women’s decision to step out of the workforce to devote themselves to their children is setting the cause of equality back to their grandmother’s generation. On parenting forums and blogs, the book has been praised, dissected and debated.

Ms. Badinter, who describes herself as a “spiritual daughter†to Simone de Beauvoir, is a retired professor at the elite École Polytechnique in Paris and has been active in the women’s movement since the 1970s. She and her husband, former French justice minister Robert Badinter, have three grown children.

Ms. Badinter spoke to The Globe and Mail from her home in Paris.

The full title of your book is The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women. Can you explain how you reached your viewpoint?

'We call it modern motherhood, but it reminds me of the motherhood of my great grandmother’s generation. It’s the model of motherhood as a full-time job, the notion that as soon as you become a mother, you owe your child absolutely everything. So the child becomes the centre of the life of the mother, and even the couple. As a result, mothers’ duties have become considerably heavier in the past 10, 15 years, to the point where women believe they have to start over like it was in the old days, with things like breastfeeding on demand, 24 hours a day.'

You are especially scathing about breastfeeding, which you say subjects women to the “despotism of an insatiable child.†Breastfeeding’s benefits for babies and mothers are widely recognized. Where do you see a problem?

'Women should be told that they have a choice. That they’ll probably be as good a mother or as mediocre a mother whether they breastfeed or not. If a breast is given out of a sense of duty, the baby feels it. The mother isn’t happy and the baby senses absolutely everything. So it’s far better to give a bottle with pleasure than a breast out of duty.

What worries me is what we’re seeing these days in Scandinavian countries, for example. It’s no longer possible to say you don’t want to breastfeed. You are viewed very, very badly.

Each woman has her own representation of her body. For a lot of women, breastfeeding is absolutely wonderful. For others, it’s gives them a feeling they’re becoming a cow. It’s not funny at all. It’s tolerance that I would like to pass along.'

[Kitty]

The way I see it, it's still patriarchy dressed up in a more "woman-friendly" disguise.

Under a patriarchal system, women are told what to do and how to do it, from someone well outside the situation according to "how things should be done" as they were in the "good old days." You know, that appeal to tradition. It's a gender essentialist argument that a woman should be a mother, and a natural crunchy earth mother at that, because a woman's place is closer to nature or something. Patriarchy: women don't have control over their own lives or even their own children. It's not feminism at all.

One friend of mine is all too comfortable with the Mommy Wars, and it's why I don't want kids. I don't want any potential daughters having to go through that bullshit when they're having kids.

[Arielkay]

I can't begin to describe the total hell I got for not breastfeeding my girls. By liberals and conservatives. It was as if I'd decided to feed them literal poison. I didn't care how other people fed their children, as long as they were well cared for. Yet I was treated like a demon. So, so, so glad I'm past that stage of life. When my mom was young, a lot of women formula fed - it was no big deal. But everyone wanted to weigh in on my choice. I wonder what it will be like when my daughters are old enough to be mothers. What expectations will be made of them?

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

Sounds like a fascinating read. These new/old expectations of mothering seem to have really come out in full force in the last decade. I'm 28, and while the SAHM vs. WOHM debate has been everpresent since I was very young, some of these ideas about breastfeeding, etc. seem to be more recent. It's definitely one of the reasons that having a child is a hugely scary idea for me. I grew up believing that I could be a mom AND a professional, a friend, a wife or girlfriend, and artist, etc. Not that I could do them all equally well or that I wouldn't have to make any sacrifices, but that I could gradually incorporate the child into my life rather than making him/her my idol. Suddenly, even professional women such as myself will tell you that you're a terrible person if you don't drop out of the workplace to raise your child at least until school age. (Since I'm in academia, that's REALLY not an option even if I could afford it.)

[Austin]

I've thought about this topic for awhile and while I disagree with some of what she says, I do believe that what she calls "modern motherhood" does seem to limit women's choices in that women put soooooo much pressure on other women to "do" motherhood a certain way. It wasn't as bad when my babies were babies, and I am very glad not have babies now, because I'd probably end up punching people.

You are not a bad mother if:

you don't breastfeed

you use disposable diapers sometimes (or all the time)

you don't co-sleep

you don't strap your baby to your body every moment of the day

you use a stroller sometimes

you don't make your own baby food

you work outside the home

If you think it's your place to tout your way as the best/only way, or to tell other mothers what they should be doing, you're a crappy person. Feminism is about choices and not respecting other women's legitimate choices is anti-feminist.

IMO, there are many ways to "mother" and end up with healthy, well-adjusted children.

[RR88]

I definitely sense some negativity or smugness from some of those who have chosen to go the "crunchy" route when it comes to kids. I am in strong support of breastfeeding and cloth diapers and homemade food for one's children, but I stop listening to women when they tell me that "natural EVERYTHING is best", especially since every woman who's said such to me doesn't see a problem with wearing synthetic fabrics and driving minivans and administering modern medicine.

[GenerationCedarchip]

I definitely sense some negativity or smugness from some of those who have chosen to go the "crunchy" route when it comes to kids. I am in strong support of breastfeeding and cloth diapers and homemade food for one's children, but I stop listening to women when they tell me that "natural EVERYTHING is best", especially since every woman who's said such to me doesn't see a problem with wearing synthetic fabrics and driving minivans and administering modern medicine.

I'm starting to see more of this among lawyers, too. When I first started practicing, almost every female attorney I knew came back to work after maternity leave and there was a sense of camaraderie among the moms at work. There were some tensions between the parents and the childless when it came down to doling out vacation weeks, etc..., but not a huge mommy war in the office. Now I'm noticing that a lot of the new moms seem even more stressed and there's almost a competition as to who makes baby food, who uses in-home nannies rather than daycare, who co-sleeps and so on. And most of the ones I know well have confided that their friends/family guilt them about working full-time,etc... It definitely seems to be a more hostile climate.

[Rosa]

It's lateral aggression.

Instead of going after power structures, changing workplaces to be more flexible, getting paid parental leave, regulating pesticides & additives in baby food, we put all the pressure on individual moms and it ends up with infighting.

[Austin]

I definitely sense some negativity or smugness from some of those who have chosen to go the "crunchy" route when it comes to kids. I am in strong support of breastfeeding and cloth diapers and homemade food for one's children, but I stop listening to women when they tell me that "natural EVERYTHING is best", especially since every woman who's said such to me doesn't see a problem with wearing synthetic fabrics and driving minivans and administering modern medicine.

I'm not trying to annoy you, but want to clarify: you say you are in "strong support of breastfeeding and cloth diapers and homemade food for one's children", I'm assuming you mean your own children - is that right?

[mnb357]

I've thought about this topic for awhile and while I disagree with some of what she says, I do believe that what she calls "modern motherhood" does seem to limit women's choices in that women put soooooo much pressure on other women to "do" motherhood a certain way. It wasn't as bad when my babies were babies, and I am very glad not have babies now, because I'd probably end up punching people.

You are not a bad mother if:

you don't breastfeed

you use disposable diapers sometimes (or all the time)

you don't co-sleep

you don't strap your baby to your body every moment of the day

you use a stroller sometimes

you don't make your own baby food

you work outside the home

If you think it's your place to tout your way as the best/only way, or to tell other mothers what they should be doing, you're a crappy person. Feminism is about choices and not respecting other women's legitimate choices is anti-feminist.

IMO, there are many ways to "mother" and end up with healthy, well-adjusted children.

Austin,

You said it beautifully. It pains me to think that my mother's generation fought very hard for us to have choice, only to have my generation have to live through the "mommy wars."

[Soldier of the One]

Great article which articulates a lot of my dormant feelings about the 'culture of motherhood' in contemporary times.

Part of it is a middle class myth: I highly doubt that our grandmothers or great-grandmothers were on call 24/7 - they have (large) families to take care of and jobs to work at, even if those jobs were within the domestic economy. A lot of this 'tyranny' is class-based: of wealthier women who can 'afford' to 'pamper' their children.

I am also skeptical about whether it actually does children any good to be at the constant center of attention.

So yes, I applaud the author for raising the issue.

[RR88]

That's what I would do for my own kids, yes. As long as other people aren't abusing their offspring or neglecting them, I really don't care which "path" they choose.

[Austin]

Austin,

You said it beautifully. It pains me to think that my mother's generation fought very hard for us to have choice, only to have my generation have to live through the "mommy wars."

I detest the mommy wars and believe they're repugnant.

[RR88]

I detest the mommy wars and believe they're repugnant.

The mommy wars are one of the reasons I'm glad I don't have kids at the moment. Different types of moms are sometimes so insistent that only THEY are correct that these women must wonder how anybody "different" reaches adulthood intact.

[Little Miss Alien]

My Mum used terry (cloth) nappies because disposables were in their infancy and prone to splitting/tabs falling off/not sticking/leaking. She hated every minute of them. By the time my sister was born, disposables were in full swing and they never used cloth on her. Mum couldn't understand why I wanted to use cloth (and eco disposables), until I showed her the 'pocket' cloth nappies I had bought. Then she loved them and herself started telling everyone she knew that I used cloth and how different it was from when I was young. I think there may have been a certain smugness about it. I just liked that my baby's butt got to be cute colours!

I lost a lot of blood during birth, so my milk supply was lessened by my chronic anaemia. I supplemented my son with formula, but as he grew it became evident he wasn't getting enough. On medical advice, I switched him to 'hungry baby' formula. It worked a treat, but many Mums looked down on me for it - a lot of them equated it with the trick their mothers' generation used - to put a teaspoon of baby rice in the formula to make it heavier and get the baby to sleep. I think they thought I was just trying to get him to sleep more. But as he got older he always ate well. His nickname now is 'two dinners' as he will quite happily have his dinner, then later want more! I'm not going to refuse him - especially as he's usually asking for more broccoli or green beans! Looking back, he definitely has always had a high metabolism and a large appetite, his build is very muscular and there's not an ounce of fat on him, so I'm sure I did the right thing for him. But I really did feel judged at first.

I couldn't be bothered with much of the Mummy wars stuff - I made him food when I had time, used jars the rest of the time; Co-slept when he fed at night out of laziness, but he always started the night in his own cot; he hated his baby carrier, so that was out before it even got started; I went back to work when he was 20 months old, leaving in the care of his (gasp!) stay at home father.

If I ever have another child I have vowed to myself to have confidence in my abilities and never allow myself to feel judged again. When you stop caring about what others think and just do right by you and your child a lot of people stop trying to tell you to do differently, because you are so confident. When you seem underconfident and unsure, that's when they know they can get a dig in, and usually will, in order to make themselves feel superior about their own parenting choices (because, well, there's always going to be a crunchier Mum than them just waiting for her chance to say something, so they need to reassure themselves. It's all very schoolyard bullying in form.).

[Rosa]

I would say I'm a strong supporter for ANY mom who wants to breastfeed or bottlefeed, but right now the structures of our society really favor formula feeding, so it's the breastfeeding moms who need more practical support.

They need to be able to take breaks at work, without anyone making snide comments that it's just a ploy to get more time away from their desk (this happened at one of my past workplaces).

They need their social workers not to tell them they should use formula because breastfeeding makes them unemployable (also happened to a friend, though it was about 10 years ago).

They need social & logistical support (starting with simple advice; i have a friend who really wants to breastfeed her new baby and has had latching problems, who is getting great support on Facebook right this minute).

Military moms who want to breastfeed need different weight loss rules (actually I think all military parents should get moreleave, but specifically the fitness test post-baby makes breastfeeding hard by encouraging calorie cutting and over-exercise)

It's gotten a lot better but breastfeeding is still seen as weird and anti-work in MOST workplaces, which is something formula feeding moms don't have to deal with at all. So no, I'm not just in favor of it for my child. I think any mom who wants to breastfeed should be able to.

[desertvixen]

As a result, mothers’ duties have become considerably heavier in the past 10, 15 years, to the point where women believe they have to start over like it was in the old days, with things like breastfeeding on demand, 24 hours a day.

OK... I can agree that mothers' duties have gotten heavier, but I don't think it's because of the tyranny of breastfeeding. I think it's because our society has gotten to a point where women are being told, "You wanted everything, now you HAVE to do everything by yourself, so have fun!" There's also a serious lack of support structures in our society for PARENTS, as well as an expectation that mothers will be primary on all parenting duties, which is just BS.

You are especially scathing about breastfeeding, which you say subjects women to the “despotism of an insatiable child.†Breastfeeding’s benefits for babies and mothers are widely recognized. Where do you see a problem?

'Women should be told that they have a choice. That they’ll probably be as good a mother or as mediocre a mother whether they breastfeed or not. If a breast is given out of a sense of duty, the baby feels it. The mother isn’t happy and the baby senses absolutely everything. So it’s far better to give a bottle with pleasure than a breast out of duty.

I can agree with this, in that women should feed their child how they feel comfortable. I, personally, found a mix of breast and bottle to work for us, and actually found breastfeeding in public/on the go more practical than bottles, but I also am not super worried about someone seeing a flash of breast while I get the kid situated. WHY the woman doesn't want to breastfeed is not important - if she doesn't want to, there are other options.

Each woman has her own representation of her body. For a lot of women, breastfeeding is absolutely wonderful. For others, it’s gives them a feeling they’re becoming a cow. It’s not funny at all. It’s tolerance that I would like to pass along.'

This I can agree with.

Instead of going after power structures, changing workplaces to be more flexible, getting paid parental leave, regulating pesticides & additives in baby food, we put all the pressure on individual moms and it ends up with infighting.

Yes! I firmly believe the whole point of the Mommy Wars is to keep us divided so we don't band together.

Military moms who want to breastfeed need different weight loss rules (actually I think all military parents should get moreleave, but specifically the fitness test post-baby makes breastfeeding hard by encouraging calorie cutting and over-exercise)

Having been a military mom who partially breastfed for 9 months, I'm not sure that we need different weight loss rules - I would argue that we definitely need enforcement of the ones we have, and all the rules associated with pregnancy. The Army has instituted a program that includes pregnancy PT and postpartum PT overseen by people knowledgeable about pregnant women - trying to encourage women to stay active, not gain over the recommended amount during pregnancy, and then ramping back up in order to meet the standard. The problem is that if your command sucks and you don't get support, getting it can be a huge pain.

I'd be in favor of more leave, though, but it's better than a lot of women on the outside get. Women also don't have to worry about losing their jobs, losing their seniority, can get medical leave during pregnancy if needed.

[Wolfie]

They need to be able to take breaks at work, without anyone making snide comments that it's just a ploy to get more time away from their desk (this happened at one of my past workplaces).

{snip}

It's gotten a lot better but breastfeeding is still seen as weird and anti-work in MOST workplaces, which is something formula feeding moms don't have to deal with at all. So no, I'm not just in favor of it for my child. I think any mom who wants to breastfeed should be able to.

About 15 years ago I had a job where the boss would lock everybody out of the shared office AND break room when she had to pump. Nobody would have denied her time away from her desk to pump, but instead she locked us all away from the main computer in the store on a regular basis. (not to mention it was seriously against company policy to lock the door to that particular office for loss prevention reasons.) How do you deal with people who are causing problems by their pumping instead of working out a solution of finding a different place to pump. Trust me, we all would have been willing to partition off part of another area in the back of the store for her to pump, and I think we were all females working at that site at that time anyway.

[Koala]

Who was it that used to weigh in on all of the breastfeeding posts? I'm waiting....

The biggest argument I ever got into online was over breastfeeding. I was on a private board, and one of the ladies had just give birth to a little one that was tongue tied. She was having a really hard time getting him to latch on, but she felt guilty giving him a bottle. I told her that in the grand scheme of things I didn't think it would make a hill of beans, and that they would probably both be better off if they didn't have the stress of trying to force something that wasn't working.

Good lord, you'd that thought I suggested she not feed the child. They went nuts. I am all for breastfeeding if that's what you want to do. I breastfed my own children. But for god's sake I could care less weather the lady next door uses formula or not. Who cares?

When I had my daughter she was born hungry. Bless her heart, she came ready to eat. After a bit I decided that the colostrum just wasn't going to cut it for her, so I requested the nurse bring me a bottle until my milk came in so I could supplement. I had nurse after nurse come in to try to convince me she'd get confused if I gave her a bottle. I finally told them if they didn't go get me a bottle I would send my husband out for one and file a formal complaint with the hospital. Put a quick end to their non-sense. I kept her on a bottle (after nursing) for the first 3 days, and after that my supply was strong enough.

[fluttershies]

Who was it that used to weigh in on all of the breastfeeding posts? I'm waiting....

The biggest argument I ever got into online was over breastfeeding. I was on a private board, and one of the ladies had just give birth to a little one that was tongue tied. She was having a really hard time getting him to latch on, but she felt guilty giving him a bottle. I told her that in the grand scheme of things I didn't think it would make a hill of beans, and that they would probably both be better off if they didn't have the stress of trying to force something that wasn't working.

Good lord, you'd that thought I suggested she not feed the child. They went nuts. I am all for breastfeeding if that's what you want to do. I breastfed my own children. But for god's sake I could care less weather the lady next door uses formula or not. Who cares?

When I had my daughter she was born hungry. Bless her heart, she came ready to eat. After a bit I decided that the colostrum just wasn't going to cut it for her, so I requested the nurse bring me a bottle until my milk came in so I could supplement. I had nurse after nurse come in to try to convince me she'd get confused if I gave her a bottle. I finally told them if they didn't go get me a bottle I would send my husband out for one and file a formal complaint with the hospital. Put a quick end to their non-sense. I kept her on a bottle (after nursing) for the first 3 days, and after that my supply was strong enough.

There was a time when bottle feeding was considered better and more hygeinic, and what do you know - that generation is living longer than ever before! As long as baby gets enough food and is healthy, breast or bottle is fine.

[Little Miss Alien]

When I had my daughter she was born hungry. Bless her heart, she came ready to eat. After a bit I decided that the colostrum just wasn't going to cut it for her, so I requested the nurse bring me a bottle until my milk came in so I could supplement. I had nurse after nurse come in to try to convince me she'd get confused if I gave her a bottle. I finally told them if they didn't go get me a bottle I would send my husband out for one and file a formal complaint with the hospital. Put a quick end to their non-sense. I kept her on a bottle (after nursing) for the first 3 days, and after that my supply was strong enough.

As I said earlier, my son had an appetite and I suffered supply problems. On our second night in hospital (I had to stay in for blood transfusions) he screeched almost all night because he was so hungry and I wasn't producing enough. The other Mums were getting pissy about him disturbing them, my nipples were blistered and still the midwives told me to 'just keep trying'. Eventually an auxilliary found me sobbing at 5 in the morning, exhausted, bleeding and rocking a screaming baby. She took him to the nursery for a bottle and brought him back 3 hours later so we both got some sleep. I'd been texting my ex, and by the time kiddo was taken to the nursery, he was in the car park outside, threatening to come in and demand entry to the unit to give the kid a bottle himself. For all we didn't work as a couple, at that time I was everything to him and he rarely got angry, but when he did it was usually because someone was upsetting me. Add in that his newborn son was hungry and crying and he was probably the most angry about anything I'd ever seen.

The next day, I was shattered, still extremely anaemic, and hooked up to more blood transfusions. I couldn't get out of bed to go to the paediatrician's check, so my ex took our son himself. The paed asked how we were feeding and in his naievety my ex said we were supplementing with formula because I was having supply issues due to my blood loss (a medically recognised issue, published in peer reviewed journals etc.). The paed then proceeded to give him a lecture about breastfeeding, told him we shouldn't have let the auxillary take him and bottle feed him and that 'low supply' was a myth! I was quite glad I wasn't there really, I would have just dissolved into tears in the state I was in.

I persevered with breastfeeding for four long, miserable months, but as I said above, it wasn't meant to be. My kiddo was just too hungry, and we did so much better with the bottle feeding. He has no health problems, allergies, asthma or eczema. I know anacdata! =! fact, but we were happier all round bottle feeding.

[Juliakitty]

I read it and thought it was very good, if a bit dry in places, and missing some perspective.

[MrsKay]

The Mommy Wars have caused my friends list on Facebook to shrink by a huge and rapid degree. I've worked my ass off to partially breastfeed BabyKay (prior breast surgeries), and I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding. I post encouraging articles etc., but I will never bash a mom for not breastfeeding, no matter how much I'd love to trade places with someone who has a full supply. Their reasons belong to them, not me. I never realized how bad it was getting until I got bashed for using a stroller! It was never an issue with my first two, although I did wear #2; this time around, my sciatic nerve and my overall back muscles are pure shit, so I shelled out big bucks for a good stroller. I got totally reamed on Facebook when I posted a picture of BabyKay in the stroller.

Snarking on potentially dangerous or flat out ridiculous parenting choices is one thing. The level we're at now is insane. I think I might announce my next pregnancy when the kid moves out.

[MrsKay]

Oh - I also wanted to say, I feel for you moms who had to give a bottle in the first days and got flak for it. When I had my first, my milk took for-freaking-EVER to come in (turns out that's normal, for ME), and my baby was starving. The hospital refused to let her out of the nursery and into my room when she started to lose weight, and made me come down there to pump and nurse. I cried and begged for a bottle after a couple of days, but they refused. The nurses were so mean to me about it! They refused to let me take her home, and my ex finally came when she was a week old, and went postal - he had a very bad temper that was normally embarrassing, but I appreciated it this time! He packed us up and we took her home AMA, with the promise to take her to the doctor the next day. For that 24 hours, I nursed and supplemented with formula when I felt it was needed, and whaddaya know, the kid gained weight beautifully. I cannot believe how professionals can turn into such assholes, and at a time when we're so damn emotional and vulnerable.

[HijabiLady]

God, I hate mommy wars.

My um....credentials:

I co-sleep

I babywear

I exclusively breast fed for 6 months and then fed her solids and she only had breast milk to drink...she is 16 months and still nursing. (now she gets water in a cup though as well)

I cloth diaper

Here's the thing, do you feed your kid? Yes? Do you keep them warm, clean and dry within reason? Yes? Do you love your baby/child and express it to him/her daily? Yes? Well congratulations, you win! Everything else is window dressing and honestly I think some women base their personal view of themselves off such as inane details as breast feeding/cloth diapering/whatever.

What am I proud of? The fact I am the only member of my family to earn a higher degree, never mind my MD. I am proud that I landed a Residency in spite of my mediocre Step 1 scores, because I busted my ass on my Step 2 test as well as really gave it my all in interviews. I clambered my way up this ladder without any financial help from my family or even encouragement. This was all done before I even birthed my spawn.

Some of these online mommies really sink every single iota of their self image into how they parent. They lose themselves into being a "mommy" and then there is nothing left. I can't imagine what kind of pressure this puts on the child when they grow into adults. Now that Mommy can no longer base her self worth on cloth diapering/making organic baby food from scratch, what then?