Really bad religion jokes

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Two Nuns are running late for Mass.

Instead of wasting time hailing a taxi, they decide to ride their bicycles while taking a shortcut which includes several back streets of the older part of Rome.

Nun #1 peddles along looking around at the scenery, then leans over to Nun #2 and says, “I’ve never come this way beforeâ€.

"I know!" replies Nun #2. "Aren't the cobblestones wonderful?"

[Terrie]

Q: How many Pagans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, but they have to be very tiny.

Okay, that one works for almost any group.

[freejoytoo]

John dies and goes to Heaven. As St Peter leads him through the pearly gates John notices lots of clocks lined up in a row with the names of famous people above them.

"What are those?" he asks.

"They're for all the lies you tell, the hand moves for every lie."

John looks at the American presidents and sees one missing.

"Where's George Bush's?"

"Oh, Jesus has that one in his office, he likes to use as it a ceiling fan."

[samurai_sarah]

Jesus is preaching to the masses, while facing the adulteress: "Let those who are without sin throw the first stone!"

Shuffling ensues, nothing happens, until suddenly a stone whirrs through the air. Annoyed, Jesus turns around and shouts: "Mother! Sometimes you really piss me off!"

***

A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi discuss when life begins.

Catholic priest: "Life begins at the point of conception."

Protestant priest: "I think it's at the point of viability."

Rabbi, after some thinking: "Life really beings after the dog is dead, and the kids move out."

[Arete]

A man dies and winds up a the Pearly Gates. St. Peter opens a gate, comes out, and SLOWLY closes it behind him without making any noise. He looks pitifully at the man and says "Dude, you have some BAD timing. He's in one of his Old Testament moods today."

[Terrie]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long

black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another

nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO

IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

[Blonde not dumb]

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

******************************************

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

[Conuly]

So, you know, the Last Supper cost a lot of money. It was a big meal. And as they left Jesus passed the check off to Thomas. "Handle this for me, would you?"

Thomas took one look at the bill. "Huh! And he's gonna pay me back? Yeah, right. I doubt it. Hey, hey, Judas! Do me a favor?"

So he passed the bill off to Judas, who hadn't snuck out fast enough to avoid getting stuck with it. Being the last one in the place he HAD to pay the bill. "Oh, man! Where the heck am I supposed to get thirty piece of silver?"

[Deesire]

Door-to-door salesperson: "Don't worry. I'm not a Jehovah's Witness."

Resident opening the door: "Well, we are!"

Door-to-door salesperson: "What are you doing at home?!"

[Guest Anonymous]

A priest, rabbi and pastor were the best of friends. So much so, that once a month they would go fishing together. On one of these occasions, they tried a new spot that the priest and rabbi had heard of. No sooner were they settled in the boat, then the priest exclaimed "Aw phooey, I forgot the beer!". He stepped out of the boat, walked across the lake surface to the car and came back with 2 sixpacks. The rabbi and pastor asked "Weren't there supposed to be sandwiches?". The priest shamefeacdly apologized and the rabbi said "Never mind, I'll get them". He, too, climbed out of the boat, walked over the surface and came back with the sandwiches. The pastor, having watched this, thought "All three of us are men of God. If they can do it, so can I". After they ate, the pastor needed to go to the bathroom, so he stood up in the boat, climbed out and promptly sank like a rock. As the other 2 men pulled him back in, the rabbi said "I thought YOU told him about the stepping stones".

[valsa]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,

"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T'.

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) Recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God'.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[Bookworm89]

snip

Another:

One day, a bus full of Baptist ladies was involved in a terrible accident, and they all died. They went up to Heaven, and St. Peter greeted them at the Gate. "Ladies, welcome! We're sorry that you came to us so soon, but you are most welcome. Unfortunately, we're a bit backed up and your mansions aren't quite ready yet. If you would be willing, you can go to Hell for a few days - just a few days - and then come back and receive your eternal reward. So the ladies went down to Hell, and the work on their Heavenly homes continued.

A few days later, St. Peter's phone rang.

"Hello? Pearly Gate, Peter speaking."

"Pete! This is Satan."

"Oh, hello."

"You HAVE to help me, man. Get these damn Baptist ladies OUT of my place already!"

"What's wrong?"

"They're having bake sales and raffles, and they've almost raised enough money to AIR CONDITION the place!"

Lol, I have heard this one before. Except the person (ahem, elderly woman in baptist church lamenting all those who joke about being baptist...)who told it was trying not to be funny and I burst out laughing. She still gives me a side look every now and then like I am a heathen. I don't feel so bad, as she does it to several others also that laughed...I just happened to laugh the loudest, because I was knew to the church and already figured out that baptist and food go hand in hand here.

[Swamptribe]

[MrsYoungie]

From my fave show "Nunsense":

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!