Really bad religion jokes

[SpeakNow]

My friend and I were sharing stupid jokes, and these made me laugh

When the cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion

Don't join cults. Practice safe sects.

Anyone have any other good ones?

[Arete]

From my childhood neighborhood, delivered by both Jews and Christians with fondness:

Jacob and Christopher grew up the best of friends in the old neighborhood. When they graduated from college, Jacob went to rabbinical seminary and Christopher became a priest. Ten years after both their ordinations, they were visiting their mothers and ran into each other. Down to the local bar to reminise about old times. After a few beers, Christopher turns to Jacob:

"Come on Jake, admit it, before you became a rabbi, you used to eat pork". Being a man of the cloth now, Jacob answers honestly "Yes... yes Chris, I did." Jacob then comes back with the observation "Come on Chris, admit it, before you became a priest, you used to get laid." Knowing God hates a liar, Christopher affirms, "Yes,...yes Jake, I did."

Jake take a good swig of his drink, looks Christopher in the eye, and says "It's a lot better than pork, isn't it?"

[Jessica]

Mormon pickup line: "Wanna hold the priesthood? Well here I am!"

Overheard in an LDS sacrament meeting once "Alright everyone, stand up. Now move to the left. Move back to the right. Put your finger on your heart. Thanks, you can sit down. Now if anyone asks you how church was today you can say you were uplifted, moved, and your heart was touched." Har har har...

[jjmennonite]

Why are Mennonite couples forbidden to have sex standing up?

Because it might lead to dancing.

[ADoyle90815]

Why do you take 2 Mormons fishing with you?

Because if you take one, he'll drink all your beer. (Heard that from a Mormon)

Jesus walks into a hotel lobby, puts down 3 nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

[Guest Anonymous]

The 95-year-old Mother Superior of an Irish convent had become very ill and was feared to be on her deathbed. The sisters tried to get her to at least drink liquids but were having no luck. Then one of the sisters remembered the bottle of fine Irish whisky someone had given them for Christmas. She heated up some milk, then put several teaspoons of whisky in the milk and brought it to the Mother Superior. She took a tentative sip, then drained the entire mug. The sisters were asking her "Mother Superior, do you have any words of wisdom for us?". The Mother Superior fixed one eye on the sisters and said "Don't you DARE sell that cow!".

[crassy]

How did Moses make tea?

Hebrewed it.

:D

[Deleted02]

One of my friends taught me this when we were children:

Jesus loves all the little chickens

All the chickens of the world

Barbecued, fried, or baked

They all look delicious in my plate

Jesus loves all the chickens of the world

[meda]

There are three truths in life:

Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christion faith.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

And

Now the Southeern Baptists are boycotting the "Flintstones"'. They absolutely refuse to have a gay 'ol time.

[Terrie]

There was a series of religiously motivated arson fires. The first week, the arsonist set the Catholic Church on fire and the priest ran in to rescue the Host. The next week, the arsonist set the Synagogue on fire, and the rabbi ran in to rescue the Torah. The third week, the arsonist set the Unitarian Universalist church on fire, and the pastor ran in to rescue the coffee pot.

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "the building is on fire!"

The METHODIST gathered in the corner and prayed.

The BAPTISTS cried, "where's the water?"

The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.

The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.

The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "every man for himself."

The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "Its the vengeance of God."

The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession & marched out.

The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.

The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who appointed a committee to look into the matter & submit a written report.

The SECRETARY grabbed the fire extinguisher & put the fire out.

[Avalondaughter]

Three women went to temple to pray one day.

Woman #1 prays: What do I do? My son went to Israel and when he came back he was a Christian.

Woman #2 also prays: What do I do? My son went to Israel and when he came back he was a Christian.

Woman #3 has the same prayer: What do I do? My son went to Israel and when he came back he was a Christian.

A voice then booms out of the sky, "You think you got problems?"

[Seven Severn]

There was a series of religiously motivated arson fires. The first week, the arsonist set the Catholic Church on fire and the priest ran in to rescue the Host. The next week, the arsonist set the Synagogue on fire, and the rabbi ran in to rescue the Torah. The third week, the arsonist set the Unitarian Universalist church on fire, and the pastor ran in to rescue the coffee pot.

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "the building is on fire!"

The METHODIST gathered in the corner and prayed.

The BAPTISTS cried, "where's the water?"

The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.

The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.

The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "every man for himself."

The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "Its the vengeance of God."

The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession & marched out.

The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.

The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who appointed a committee to look into the matter & submit a written report.

The SECRETARY grabbed the fire extinguisher & put the fire out.

:lol:

In the United Methodist congregation I grew up in they would have made coffee preceded by an argument about who's turn it was to make the coffee.

[Seven Severn]

Guy dies and goes to hell. One of Satan's minions is showing him around. They walk by a pit full of people. They were wailing and moaning, rending their garments and gnashing their teeth. The guy asks, "Gee, what did those people do?" The minion says, "Those are Catholics who ate meat on Friday." They keep walking and come up to another pit full of people who are wailing and moaning, rending their garments and gnashing their teeth. Again, the guy asks, "So, what did those people do?" The minion responds, "Those are the Baptists who danced." So they keep walking and the guy is marveling at all the stalactites and they come upon yet another pit with more wailing, moaning, rending and gnashing and the guy asks, "Well, what did these people do?" The minion says, "Oh, those are the Episcopalians who ate salad with dessert forks."

Edited: typo

[OohLaLa]

Q: Why did the blonde run into the church?

A: She heard there was a guy that was hung in there like this--(arms spread out, but like you're measuring something)

[Esteleth]

One I heard growing up:

A grade-school class was having a lesson on the various religions of the world. The teacher had asked all the children to bring something symbolic of their family's faith to class. One by one, the children stood and explained what it was that they had brought.

The Jewish boy said, "My family is Jewish. This is my yarmulke."

The Catholic girl said, "My family is Catholic. These are my rosary beads."

The Baptist girl said, "My family is Baptist. This is my Bible."

The Presbyterian boy said, "My family is Presbyterian. This is my family's casserole dish."

Another:

One day, a bus full of Baptist ladies was involved in a terrible accident, and they all died. They went up to Heaven, and St. Peter greeted them at the Gate. "Ladies, welcome! We're sorry that you came to us so soon, but you are most welcome. Unfortunately, we're a bit backed up and your mansions aren't quite ready yet. If you would be willing, you can go to Hell for a few days - just a few days - and then come back and receive your eternal reward. So the ladies went down to Hell, and the work on their Heavenly homes continued.

A few days later, St. Peter's phone rang.

"Hello? Pearly Gate, Peter speaking."

"Pete! This is Satan."

"Oh, hello."

"You HAVE to help me, man. Get these damn Baptist ladies OUT of my place already!"

"What's wrong?"

"They're having bake sales and raffles, and they've almost raised enough money to AIR CONDITION the place!"

[emmiedahl]

1. A priest and rabbi were walking together down a street. They passed a school playground full of children. The priest nudged the rabbi and whispered, "Let's screw one of them." The rabbi looked at the priest in shock and said: "Out of *what*?"

2. There were three churches in a row on a block: a Catholic cathedral, a Jewish synagogue, and a Unitarian church. There was a terrible fire and the buildings were burning down. The priest ran into the cathedral to grab a statue of the Virgin Mary. The rabbi ran into the synagogue to save the Torah scrolls. The Unitarian minister ran into his church to grab the coffee pot.

[Conuly]

One day, $FAMOUSATHEIST died. And he had been a really good person, so he went straight up to Heaven. This, as you can imagine, was a great shock, but you gotta roll with the punches sometimes. Here was proof he'd been wrong his whole life. Oh well, can't let that get you down!

At any rate, St. Peter told him emphatically that his beliefs were no concern and led him in the gates. "Now, you can go anywhere you want," said the saint, "but if you like you can stay with all the other atheists to start."

"Oh? There are other atheists?"

"Yes! Each religion has its own neighborhood! Look, there's the Baptists, and over in that direction are the Hindus, and - oh, wait, shhh, let's tiptoe here."

The two of them tiptoed carefully past a beautiful doorway. When they had passed, the atheist turned to St. Peter and said, quietly, "Was that... was that Him?"

"What? Oh, no, don't worry about that, he's a great guy. No, that's the $INSERTRELIGIONists, they like to think they're all alone."

[Terrie]

One I heard growing up:

A grade-school class was having a lesson on the various religions of the world. The teacher had asked all the children to bring something symbolic of their family's faith to class. One by one, the children stood and explained what it was that they had brought.

The Jewish boy said, "My family is Jewish. This is my yarmulke."

The Catholic girl said, "My family is Catholic. These are my rosary beads."

The Baptist girl said, "My family is Baptist. This is my Bible."

The Presbyterian boy said, "My family is Presbyterian. This is my family's casserole dish."

I'd heard a similar one that follows the same riff as the "X runs back in to rescue the Y" joke I posted above, where one kid says "My family is Unitarian Universalist. This is our coffee pot."

Incidentally, I was raised Presbyterian with most of my extended family as Lutheran. The casserole dish works better with Lutherans. There's a reason that Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup is nicknamed "Lutheran binder." Oh, and as far as the ecumenical conference joke? Yes, Presbyterians really do like their committees that much.

[Esteleth]

Incidentally, I was raised Presbyterian with most of my extended family as Lutheran. The casserole dish works better with Lutherans. There's a reason that Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup is nicknamed "Lutheran binder." Oh, and as far as the ecumenical conference joke? Yes, Presbyterians really do like their committees that much.

I was raised Presbyterian (PC(USA)) and am now a practicing Quaker.

I am well aware of the committee-happiness of Presbyterians - and for that matter, Quakers.

I've heard the casserole dish punchline for both Presbyterians and Lutherans. It works for both.

[Guest Anonymous]

An engineer died and by some snafu, found himself at the gates of Hell. Assuming there was nothing he could do about it, he set about trying to improve the place's comfort level. A month later, God and Satan were having lunch together, when God asked "How're things going in the netherworld?". Satan said "Oh, great! We have indoor plumbing and air-conditioning. Ant tomorrow, we'll have cable TV and internet service. Things are so much pleasanter in the hereafter, with an engineer around". "Engineer?" God roared. "He doesn't belong there. You send him to Me!". "Don't hold Your breath" was the reply. GOd blustered "if you don't send him, I'll sue!". At that, Old Scratch broken into hysterical, cackling laughter. When he finally subsided, he said to God "And who do YOU think has all the lawyers?!".

[ilovetchotchkes]

2 chicagoans die and end up in hell.

Satan really wants to put the screws to them, so he cranks up the heat. He comes by to check on them and they're sitting back fist bumping and laughing. "Oh man! this reminds me of home back in July!!!" Gritting his teeth, he decides, "i'm gonna crank up the humidity as well." He goes back to check on the Chicagoans and they're laughing and drinking a couple of beers and laughing "this is like AUGUST in Chicago!!!"

Satan realizes he needs to change the game up. So he turns the heat down to freezing. The demons are shivering and have icicles all over them. He then goes to check on the Chicagoans, they're weeping and clutching at each other. Satan think's he's won, but then he realizes they're weeping in joy. "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO". The Chicagoans look at him and say "This is wonderful! the Cubs just won the world series!!!!"

[ladypuglover]

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,... "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem".

************************************************************************************

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are

traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in

Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out

of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car

and hisses at them through the windshield.

Quick, quick! shouts Sister Mary Agnes, What should we

do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the

abomination, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the

mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing

at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts.

Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water

before we left the Vatican, replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The

vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on

and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

Show him your cross, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Now you're talking, says Sister Mary Agnes. She then

opens the window and shouts, Get the fuck off our car!

[Black Aliss]

A pagan dies, and when he gets to Summerland, there's a sign saying that it's closed for renovation. The security guard says that yes, Heaven had recently acquired Summerland, and until it reopens under new management, all the pagans have to go to hell. So the pagan drops down to hell, where he meets Satan, dressed in a fine suit. There is a beautiful green lawn, and a buffet set out in a tent. Satan welcomes him to hell and tells him that a bunch of other pagans are just on the other side of the hill, getting ready to start a ritual. Afterwards, they're coming back here for the buffet dinner.

The pagan starts across the lawn to where Satan pointed but he stops when he feels the earth rumbling. He turns around just in time to see the ground in front of Satan open up, sulfur fumes roil up from a burning lake, and a bunch of screaming people come plummeting down into the lake of fire. Then the ground closes up again. "What was THAT?" asks the pagan. "Oh," Satan replies, "Those were Baptists. It's really silly, I know, but they insist on it."

[Jessica]

"Bible study tonight at the Unitarian Church. Bring your Bibles, scissors, and super glue." :roll:

[Terrasola]

Some more pagan-themed humor:

Please don't squeeze the Shaman!

You know someone is new to paganism when they think that skyclad is a shade of blue clothing and athame is fuel for their barbecue.

You know that the organizing committee for the public circle is taking safety concerns too far when they declare that salt is off limits due to its sodium content and Mrs. Dash will be substituted.

You may be a yuppie neo-wiccan if you call the quarters on your iPhone and use your Weber grill as the ritual fire.

Q. How do you tell the difference between a New Ager and a neo-Pagan?

A. Throw them both in the water. The neo-Pagan will float. The New Ager will drown under the weight of all his/her crystals.

Q. How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. It's oathbound.

Q. How many Druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Druids don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in stone circles.

Q. How many Odinists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. 21. One to hold the lightbulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

You finally know you're a Witch when you watch reruns of Bewitched and you cheer on Endora.