"What father doesn't want his teenage son to..."

[AnnoDomini]

Some time ago I saw a quote saying "What father doesn't want his teenage son to show interest in girls?" I thought of all the fundy fathers emphasizing purity in their 'you're a man now' speech, like the ones that scarred my brothers' psyches.

I was reminded of that quote and thought of FJ last night when I was talking to my brother about summoning the kind of awe that Gimli had for Galadriel for a play he's in. I told him 'substitute the movie goddess of your choice'. He told me that though there were some women he found prettier than others, there weren't any women that he had serious feelings for. Not just appreciation for beauty, but having a serious crush or desire type thing too. He said he'd never allowed himself to feel that. He's 18.

Any stories of fundy young men like that?

edited for clarity

[Witsec6]

Some time ago I saw a quote saying "What father doesn't want his teenage son to show interest in girls?" I thought of all the fundy fathers emphasizing purity in their 'you're a man now' speech, like the ones that scarred my brothers' psyches.

I was reminded of that quote and thought of FJ last night when I was talking to my brother about summoning the kind of awe that Gimli had for Galadriel for a play he's in. I told him 'substitute the movie goddess of your choice'. He told me that though there were some women he found prettier than others, there weren't any women that he had anywhere near that kind of feeling for. He said he'd never allowed himself to feel that. He's 18.

Any stories of fundy young men like that?

My husband is not a fundie but has a similar experience I think. Me too, for that matter. I've never been particularly awed by anyone's looks. I can appreciate aesthetic beauty and all, but there is a heck of a lot more to what I find attractive.

[AnnoDomini]

Ah, I see I miscommunicated. I've edited the post to more accurately reflect what I meant--that he has never had real feelings for a woman.

[Witsec6]

Ah, I see I miscommunicated. I've edited the post to more accurately reflect what I meant--that he has never had real feelings for a woman.

Oh, that is a little different, but I still don't think it's that abnormal. Some people fall in love easily and others don't. I have only ever loved two men in my life and I'm a lot older than a teenager.

[debrand]

Some time ago I saw a quote saying "What father doesn't want his teenage son to show interest in girls?" I thought of all the fundy fathers emphasizing purity in their 'you're a man now' speech, like the ones that scarred my brothers' psyches.

I was reminded of that quote and thought of FJ last night when I was talking to my brother about summoning the kind of awe that Gimli had for Galadriel for a play he's in. I told him 'substitute the movie goddess of your choice'. He told me that though there were some women he found prettier than others, there weren't any women that he had serious feelings for. Not just appreciation for beauty, but having a serious crush or desire type thing too. He said he'd never allowed himself to feel that. He's 18.

Any stories of fundy young men like that?

edited for clarity

I think that there is a difference between a young, heterosexual man who simply hasn't had a strong reaction for women yet and a young man who doesn't allow himself to feel a strong crush. In the first instance, the guy's natural reaction isn't to easily form attractions. In the second instance, he is trying to prevent himself from feeling attracted to a girl.

[helloemi]

My husband grew up going to various christian schools and to a very well known Baptist university. In high school he got the speech "French kissing is sex from the neck up!" and in a co-ed class was told that men "only want one thing and the women need to stay guarded". He was told by a college professor in a marriage and family psych class that sex is basically only for procreation... I really wish I could get him on here because he has some odd stories about his time at the university as a student and employee...

He didn't date in high school or college and told me that it was because he didn't want to be "one of those guys" that only wanted women for "one thing".

When we first got together, I could see this attitude still lingering. It must have been an odd experience for him to hear me explain that he didn't have to be so "polite". lol

I grew up an athiest, so us coming together has been an eye opener for me on this culture.

I'm fortunate that I am with a man who is extremely respectful of my needs etc... But I don't think putting that kind of pressure on high schoolers is fair on any level.

[browngrl]

A close relative was the same way. We all wondered if he was gay. Finally I took him aside and first said we all loved him and would feel exactly the same way whether or not he was gay and then I asked if he was gay. He said no. He still has not expressed any interest in women and I still wonder if he is gay but now I just try and show by my words and actions that regardless of his sexual orientation, I will always love and support him. Hopefully that is enough. Perhaps people on this board who are gay/transgender/bi etc will tell me if there is anything else I can do to make sure that our family is always a safe haven for him.

[debrand]

A close relative was the same way. We all wondered if he was gay. Finally I took him aside and first said we all loved him and would feel exactly the same way whether or not he was gay and then I asked if he was gay. He said no. He still has not expressed any interest in women and I still wonder if he is gay but now I just try and show by my words and actions that regardless of his sexual orientation, I will always love and support him. Hopefully that is enough. Perhaps people on this board who are gay/transgender/bi etc will tell me if there is anything else I can do to make sure that our family is always a safe haven for him.

Could he be asexual?

[Chrystal-J]

Could he be asexual?

That could be possible because I used to think my late husband was gay, but he finally told to me that he was asexual. I wasn't happy to hear that, but it explained a lot.

[CanadianHippie]

A close relative was the same way. We all wondered if he was gay. Finally I took him aside and first said we all loved him and would feel exactly the same way whether or not he was gay and then I asked if he was gay. He said no. He still has not expressed any interest in women and I still wonder if he is gay but now I just try and show by my words and actions that regardless of his sexual orientation, I will always love and support him. Hopefully that is enough. Perhaps people on this board who are gay/transgender/bi etc will tell me if there is anything else I can do to make sure that our family is always a safe haven for him.

Don't let anyone make jokes/disparage non-heterosexual people. It's a good general rule but if you want him to feel safe it needs to be clear to all that you intend the family to be safe and will not allow anyone to get away with stuff like that.

[browngrl]

Don't let anyone make jokes/disparage non-heterosexual people. It's a good general rule but if you want him to feel safe it needs to be clear to all that you intend the family to be safe and will not allow anyone to get away with stuff like that.

I've been trying to be careful about that. It is surprising how subtle and pervasive homophobia is until you start to look for it.

[Constance Vigilance]

A close relative was the same way. We all wondered if he was gay. Finally I took him aside and first said we all loved him and would feel exactly the same way whether or not he was gay and then I asked if he was gay. He said no. He still has not expressed any interest in women and I still wonder if he is gay but now I just try and show by my words and actions that regardless of his sexual orientation, I will always love and support him. Hopefully that is enough. Perhaps people on this board who are gay/transgender/bi etc will tell me if there is anything else I can do to make sure that our family is always a safe haven for him.

Agreed that maybe he is asexual (something even less understood/accepted than gayness, usually). I would say keep the pressure off him, don't let anyone tease/make fun of him for the fact he hasn't shown an interest in women, and make sure homophobia doesn't fly in your family. He'll make his own way.

[AnnoDomini]

I mentioned to my sister the story of my brother and when I said he said he had no such 'movie goddess' she said 'good'.

[emmiedahl]

Agreed that maybe he is asexual (something even less understood/accepted than gayness, usually). I would say keep the pressure off him, don't let anyone tease/make fun of him for the fact he hasn't shown an interest in women, and make sure homophobia doesn't fly in your family. He'll make his own way.

You can also let it be known that you are a 'safe person' for GLBTQ people. I have made a point of discussing recent suicides with my son and his teen friends and saying, "I wish they had someone to talk to. If someone was having these problems and feeling torn or upset, I would love to talk to them and help them through it." You probably interact with questioning teens regularly and don't know it. Let them know that there is an 'underground railroad' of adults who have their back.

[Rachel333]

My brother has never showed any interest in girls. He's very charismatic, tall, nice-looking, and athletic (he got the good genes, haha), and girls were practically throwing themselves on him in high school, but while he would go with girls to the prom and such, he's now a freshman in college and has never been on a date. According to his friends, he says he just doesn't have time for a girlfriend.

I do wonder if he's gay. I think he would have a hard time realizing it because of our upbringing, so if he is he might not know it yet. Or he could be asexual or totally straight but just not interested in girls yet. Whatever the case, I've been trying to make it clear that I support LGBT people without suggesting that he might be one.

I hope he isn't for his sake. It wouldn't be easy in my family. My parents wouldn't disown one of us, and I think that my mom could eventually be okay with it, but my dad is pretty homophobic.

[Childless]

That's one thing that I will make sure my son knows. I don't care who he is or what he chooses to become, I will always love and accept him. He will always be safe with me and I would never put him down or try and change him. I only wish all children had parents who felt the same way.

[Witsec7]

You can also let it be known that you are a 'safe person' for GLBTQ people. I have made a point of discussing recent suicides with my son and his teen friends and saying, "I wish they had someone to talk to. If someone was having these problems and feeling torn or upset, I would love to talk to them and help them through it." You probably interact with questioning teens regularly and don't know it. Let them know that there is an 'underground railroad' of adults who have their back.

My home was the safe house for gay children of religious parents. I even wound up being legal guardian for a few.

[Ava]

Well I'm glad to see the "OMG you're not DATING anyone?!? You must be GAY!!!" mentality is alive and well at such enlightened places as FJ. :roll: My parents have started peppering there "when you find a boyfriend..." comments with the occasional "or a girlfriend, you know that's totally ok". My friends haven't gotten that far yet but they're probably considering it. It does not make these conversations any more pleasant. Which is better, the implication that there is something oh-so-terribly-wrong with the fact that I'm not dating anyone and I must be so terribly depressed about it but don't worry, someone will come and save me from the terrible affliction of singleness someday, or the implication that you know oh-so-much-more about my sexuality than I do and the only reason I must suffer in my awful singleless is because I refuse to be honest with myself?

I've never had any kind of sustained interest in anyone because I've never met anyone that I considered worth it. I am not gay. I am not asexual. I just simply don't care that much about being in a romantic relationship. If I meet someone, great. If I don't, I can find plenty of other things to do with my time. Such people exist. May I suggest you not continuously hound them about it?

[debrand]

Ava, I'm not certain that anyone here is hounding people.

Is there a reason that you don't tell your parents that you're happy being single or that the constant attention to your dating life is annoying you?

edited

[debrand]

I mentioned to my sister the story of my brother and when I said he said he had no such 'movie goddess' she said 'good'.

I'm not certain why it would be anything, good or bad. Unless your sister means that it is good that your brother doesn't allow himself to have an attraction to a girl.

[Deleted03]

A close relative was the same way. We all wondered if he was gay. Finally I took him aside and first said we all loved him and would feel exactly the same way whether or not he was gay and then I asked if he was gay. He said no. He still has not expressed any interest in women and I still wonder if he is gay but now I just try and show by my words and actions that regardless of his sexual orientation, I will always love and support him. Hopefully that is enough. Perhaps people on this board who are gay/transgender/bi etc will tell me if there is anything else I can do to make sure that our family is always a safe haven for him.

argh I'm sorry to say but I hate that. Evryone was thinking the same thing about my godfather never telling about girlfriends or relationships. He now has a wife and 2 kids.

worst part? I bet they all think the same about me! Not all people have the same capacity of attracting relationships, and I totally get not wanting to present every potential interest to family.

Sometimes people are just secretive and/or not the best at attracting people they're interested in lol

[AnnoDomini]

I'm not certain why it would be anything, good or bad. Unless your sister means that it is good that your brother doesn't allow himself to have an attraction to a girl.

I think it's the last one, unfortunately.

[godlytomatosoup]

Some people are late bloomers, too. I didn't come out as a lesbian until I was eighteen, and I was very definitely in a supportive environment - I just wasn't interested in anyone until later on.

[msHailey]

Well I'm glad to see the "OMG you're not DATING anyone?!? You must be GAY!!!" mentality is alive and well at such enlightened places as FJ. :roll: My parents have started peppering there "when you find a boyfriend..." comments with the occasional "or a girlfriend, you know that's totally ok". My friends haven't gotten that far yet but they're probably considering it. It does not make these conversations any more pleasant. Which is better, the implication that there is something oh-so-terribly-wrong with the fact that I'm not dating anyone and I must be so terribly depressed about it but don't worry, someone will come and save me from the terrible affliction of singleness someday, or the implication that you know oh-so-much-more about my sexuality than I do and the only reason I must suffer in my awful singleness is because I refuse to be honest with myself?

I've never had any kind of sustained interest in anyone because I've never met anyone that I considered worth it. I am not gay. I am not asexual. I just simply don't care that much about being in a romantic relationship. If I meet someone, great. If I don't, I can find plenty of other things to do with my time. Such people exist. May I suggest you not continuously hound them about it?

Thank you! You have no idea how nice it is to hear someone else say this. Just yes yes a thousand times yes! I'm barely twenty and I have had my parents, friends, and a cousin ask me this, sometimes jokingly and sometimes seriously. It is beyond aggravating. I've never had a boyfriend or been on a date and it is not because I'm a lesbian. My sister has had friends ask her the same thing, it's actually worse for her because she's a bit of a tomboy and loves sports and doesn't wear makeup. It's like people just can't wrap their mind around the fact that we're not either crying over having no boyfriend, actively searching for one, or a lesbian. I would have no problem telling people I was a lesbian and neither would she - but we're not! Why can no one believe that some people are legitimately single, straight, and happy.

[sacrilicious]

Thank you! You have no idea how nice it is to hear someone else say this. Just yes yes a thousand times yes! I'm barely twenty and I have had my parents, friends, and a cousin ask me this, sometimes jokingly and sometimes seriously. It is beyond aggravating. I've never had a boyfriend or been on a date and it is not because I'm a lesbian. My sister has had friends ask her the same thing, it's actually worse for her because she's a bit of a tomboy and loves sports and doesn't wear makeup. It's like people just can't wrap their mind around the fact that we're not either crying over having no boyfriend, actively searching for one, or a lesbian. I would have no problem telling people I was a lesbian and neither would she - but we're not! Why can no one believe that some people are legitimately single, straight, and happy.

Or worse, someone who wants to be in a relationship getting asked this. This happened to someone close to me a few years ago. She had been in a relationship and kept it on the down low, but still got burned pretty badly, and not too long afterword some bozo made a sly comment about her being a lesbian. Which I guess is the only explanation for a 26 year old woman to not be in a steady relationship. :roll: I wanted to kick that twit in the teeth when I found out.

I had only gone on a few dates and had never had a boyfriend until I was 19. Not for lack of interest, but I am very shy and until I got older I had a hard time approaching boys/men.