Fundie Lite Wife Unleashed Neglecting Children in the Name of an African Mission Center

[FighterJet]

Disclaimer: I pondered for some time whether to share this story or not, since the family members involved aren't exactly public figures, although popular within their evangelical circle and quite active on social media. On top of that, I do not want to draw negative attention to the husband's family, who has nothing to do with their DIL. But I needed somewhere to vent, hence I decided to proceed and tell the story without naming names, out of respect for the husband's family and children. After all, it is the story that matters.

This being said, let's get started!

I am curious about your opinions regarding the strange behavior of this fundie lite, college-educated, pant-wearing mother, whom I'll call Wife. 

A little backstory

Wife met Husband in college. He was struggling with some personal issues at that time, so she convinced him to attend her church, and got him saved shortly thereafter. They married straight after graduation, and she went on to get pregnant and become a stay-at-home-mom in the span of 1 year. Their second child was born 21 months after the first, and all seemed well. Except it really wasn't, and something was already bubbling below the surface.

Husband's old issues started acting up again, so Wife suggested they get involved with a church-sponsored mission center in West Africa to try and get the family back on track. It worked for a while, and the couple felt like the Lord was opening their hearts up for adoption, and before long, they welcomed a 10 y.o. in their home. Mind you, the parents are only 16 years older than this kid, and lied about the kid's age to work their way around the paperwork. However, this first adoption was a success for the entire family, so no snarking there. 

In the meantime, Wife became more and more bigoted and fanatical. She used the excuse of missionary work and vocation to justify her own shortcomings as a mother and the neglect of her bio kids started to become apparent.

Their hands full and their finances tight, Wife nonetheless pushed for adopting more kids less than 3 years later. Husband was on board, so one day they brought home 2 little girls from the same African country they adopted the first kid from. Only thing was, they didn't really tell their children they would be returning with the 2 girls when they left for Africa (the kids at home were vaguely aware that their parents wanted to adopt again, but weren't made participants of the process, which is crazy). They made their bio daughter share her tiny room with the 2 newcomers (they simply didn't have enough space in the house) and forced her to sleep on the top bunk bed even though she was afraid of heights. I will never forget Wife's treatment of her bio daughter on that occasion. Wife is a pathological liar and had been talking for a year of a Mom-and-Daughter trip to Disneyland to make her bio daughter do things around the house, a promise she called off as soon as she returned with the 2 adopted girls. On top of that, the bio daughter was expected to share her possessions with a smile and adjust without complaining, so when she had a breakdown, Wife responded by "disciplining" her and forcing her to read the scriptures. She would describe her little girl, who was just 7 at the time, as driven by a selfish sinful nature. Even Husband tried to talk some sense into her, begging her to salvage the relationship with their daughter, but Wife plain out stated that she didn't give a shoot about their one-on-one relationship and that all she cared about was for the family to be biblical and united. This is a demonstration of Wife's laziness: she used the excuse of unity not to cater to her children's individual needs.

For the first couple of years, Wife used the African girls as trophies, reveling in all the attention she could get. When the novelty wore off, she had another bio child to remain in the spotlight. She and Husband changed the adopted kids' names so that they could all share one initial letter, just like the Duggars, even when this resulted in opposition from a child.

However, finances became even tighter, the adopted kids prefectly adapted to life in the West to the point of not being "interesting" anymore and the family was forced to move to a new town, distancing itself from supportive grandparents, Wife started to realize that such a lifestyle didn't appeal to her. On top of that, a couple of the kids began requiring special attention due to problems that had arisen, and she obviously didn't appear all that keen on putting in the extra work. Cooking, cleaning, hosting Husband's colleagues, doing the laundry, driving the kids to school and to their afternoon activities obviously bored her to no end, but having a holier-than-thou sanctimonious attitude, Wife would never admit to it openly.

So what did Wife do? She turned her attention back to the African mission center, of course.

End of backstory

 

In recent times

Wife's plan was diabolical from the start, but not many, if anyone at all, had realized what she would do.

Across the years, Wife had become more and more bigoted, to the point of talking to and about her children in that typical Duggaresque manner. The daughters would only ever receive attention if they displayed "a servant's heart", "steadiness" and "a care taker's soul". She obviously has favorites, in that some of the kids rarely, if ever, get mentioned. A sad reality is that involving her bio daughter. Remember? After years of having to deal with her mother's mirroring and contempt, she has learned not to expect too much from her, and that the only way she has to gain her attention is through "serving others" (= that is, making life easier for Wife). She endangered her children by temporarily hosting critically ill, infectious guests on "humanitarian grounds". Wife has always manipulated her husband into promoting her ideas, hence gaining a teammate with whom to reject inevitable criticism from family and community members. Wife has a new fellow mom best friend she can exploit every couple of years, more or less the same time it takes for each "best friend" to realize they're being exploited and flee.

Soon enough, Wife keenly resumed her trips to the West African mission center. The first time she went alongside Husband and Bio Daughter, who begged to be brought along to try and be in Wife's good graces, with little success. You see, Wife only ever appreciates her children if they have something to give her. If they can relieve her of some of her tasks, or take care of something for her. Bio daughter was constantly ill during that trip (my guess is that Wife didn't go any lengths to try and keep her healthy) so that she became more of a nuisance than a helping hand, and Wife was very vocal about that. She would compare Bio Daughter to the sick kids at the mission center, implicitly diminishing her suffering and shaming her for complaining in front of everyone while making herself morally uncriticizable. Old habits die hard. Eventually, it was time for the family to travel back home, much to Wife's chagrin. Indeed, there is nothing Wife despises more than resuming her everyday SAHM routine. 

In a heartbeat, everything was thrown back at her: laundry, cooking, school, appointments, cleaning, chauffering the kids around, homework and all that jazz.

From that point on Wife began making regular solo trips to Africa, on average every 3 months. It was her escape. She got to the point that her day-to-day life had gotten so unbearable, that missionary work was like vacation to her.

One day, she left for Africa for what was meant to be a brief 2-week stay, only to end up not returning for months. She spent the better part of last year at the West African mission center, while all her preschool and school-aged children (biological and adopted) struggled to make ends meet at home. Over and over they would face time her and plead her to come back home, only to receive the request for a sacrifice in return. Her relationship with overwhelmed Husband became strained, but Wife persisted in the pursuit of her "calling". Of course, she biblically motivated her decision not to be criticized. 

As Wife's kids sruggled to learn how to manage an entire household by themselves (since her departure wasn't planned, Wife had never bothered preparing the children for her absence), as her special needs kid regressed, as her preschooler cried his eyes out every night, as one of the adopted kids got fat for binge eating out of stress, Wife kept on insisting that she had "higher and deeper purposes" and that she was meant to help those in need, while being deaf and blind to her brood's many needs. She missed so many milestones, birthdays and struggles of her own children, but to her they always mattered less than the mission center's ones. The child who struggled the least in a sort of resigned acceptance during this time was Bio Daughter, who had long had to learn what her mother is truly like.

When, finally, she returned many months later, having been given an ultimatum by Husband, Wife showed great enthusiasm that her kids "could now cook, do laundry and clean after themselves" and seemed so coldly satisfied about the entire situation.

Acts of selflessness are to be commended, but can you really straight up leave and spend entire months far away when you have a house full of young children depending on you? Can you still claim your moral high ground, with these premises? Especially when no one forced you to have and adopt so many children in the first place?

Please, share your impressions.

 

Edited February 15, 2020 by Coconut Flan

[Xan]

Holy crap.  I'm not sure where to start.  Wife is selfish -- possibly narcissistic -- and has already done untold damage to all of the children.  She only wants to expend effort if she gets maximum praise so doing the usual day-to-day stuff will never be something she will do willingly.  Husband must be missing a spine.  Did any of the grandparents step in to help while she was gone?  

If I was him, I'd buy her a one-way ticket back to Africa, file for divorce, and arrange for help with the children.  She's not reliable enough to include in the picture.

[Howl]

I'd be interested to know the nature of the husbands personal problems.  Is that related to why he has stayed with the wife and now put his foot down about adopting more kids as well as tolerating her horrible treatment of them? 

[formergothardite]

2 hours ago, FighterJet said:

Please, share your impressions.

My impressions:

2 hours ago, FighterJet said:

Husband's old issues started acting up again, so Wife suggested they get involved with a church-sponsored mission center in West Africa to try and get the family back on track. It worked for a while, and the couple felt like the Lord was opening their hearts up for adoption, and before long, they welcomed a 10 y.o. in their home. Mind you, the parents are only 16 years older than this kid, and lied about the kid's age to work their way around the paperwork. However, this first adoption was a success for the entire family, so no snarking there

So this mission center shoulders a hell of a lot of blame. There is something seriously wrong here with that place. How exactly was the husband and wife able to lie about the child's age? Did the mission center know this and is this something they do? 

Have you at any point contacted this mission center to tell them your concerns? If not, I highly suggest you do that right now. 

2 hours ago, FighterJet said:

Even Husband tried to talk some sense into her, begging her to salvage the relationship with their daughter, but Wife plain out stated that she didn't give a shoot about their one-on-one relationship and that all she cared about was for the family to be biblical and united. This is a demonstration of Wife's laziness: she used the excuse of unity not to cater to her children's individual needs.

I'm not sure this sounds like laziness. It sounds like she is pretty horrible and just doesn't care. This also shows that the husband is equal in not giving a shit. He should have taken the children and left right then. 

 

2 hours ago, FighterJet said:

(my guess is that Wife didn't go any lengths to try and keep her healthy)

This isn't all on the wife. The husband was there too and it was his responsibilty to also try and keep his daughter healthy. 

2 hours ago, FighterJet said:

She would compare Bio Daughter to the sick kids at the mission center, implicitly diminishing her suffering and shaming her for complaining in front of everyone while making herself morally uncriticizable.

Why did the husband and mission center put up with this? I'm really angry at all these people who just enable abuse. 

2 hours ago, FighterJet said:

In a heartbeat, everything was thrown back at her: laundry, cooking, school, appointments, cleaning, chauffering the kids around, homework and all that jazz.

There is an issue that she is shouldering all the work while the husband should be doing this stuff too. No wonder she is always frustrated. He seems to be pretty lazy here and all around awful. He lets his kids be abused, brings more kids into an abusive situation and then expects his wife to do everything. 

2 hours ago, FighterJet said:

As Wife's kids sruggled to learn how to manage an entire household by themselves (since her departure wasn't planned, Wife had never bothered preparing the children for her absence)

Of course they struggled because they shouldn't be doing this. Where exactly is their father in all this? Did he just dump it all on the kids? And WTF is wrong with him?

2 hours ago, FighterJet said:

When, finally, she returned many months later, having been given an ultimatum by Husband, Wife showed great enthusiasm that her kids "could now cook, do laundry and clean after themselves" and seemed so coldly satisfied about the entire situation.

So she will give in if he puts his foot down, which means that he could stop all the abuse. He could stop his children from doing all the work(of course it seems like he trained them because he can't be assed to do it), he could get his wife into therapy and DO something. But it sounds like he hasn't. So he is just as much to blame as she is. 

It sounds like both parents are selfish assholes and talking to them won't do any good. IMO if it looks like the children are being neglected and abused, call CPS. Also hound the hell out of that Mission Center telling them everything you are telling us. 

Where is the rest of the family in all this? Have they tried to intervene? Has anyone called CPS yet or called the Mission center? If the husband's family(who has some prominence in these circles) has been sitting on their hands not doing stuff to stop this, then no respect from me. Honestly it sounds like the typical evangelical response to abusive mission centers and families, so I'm not going to be surprised if they haven't done much. 

Edited February 13, 2020 by formergothardite

[imokit]

Honestly I think the woman is awfull but the man bears equal responsibility.

He could have stopped having kids, he could have objected to the adoptions.

If he was in Africa with them looking after their daughter was equally his responsibility as hers.

If he wasn't there and he thought she was in danger, he should have gone and brought her home.

If the wife is in Africa then he should be running the household and parenting. It should not be on his daughters or older children.

He is as bad as she is.

[formergothardite]

I think this story  is also a perfect example of what is wrong with these Christian foreign mission groups. They tend to allow anyone who says "God called me" to show up and come into contact with vulnerable people. And it seems like the communities around these mission groups don't want to do anything because if they did they would have to admit the entire system is broken. 

[Palimpsest]

15 hours ago, FighterJet said:

Acts of selflessness are to be commended, but can you really straight up leave and spend entire months far away when you have a house full of young children depending on you? Can you still claim your moral high ground, with these premises? Especially when no one forced you to have and adopt so many children in the first place?

No. No. And no.

But where is the husband in all of this?  He does not get a pass.  At all.  The concerned and supportive grandparents might want to start considering their options for intervention if he is incapable of caring for the children.

Many African countries have huge limitations on, or are now closed to, international adoptions thanks to adoption shenanigans like this.  And most now comply with the Hague Convention.  Of course that doesn't mean abuses of the system don't still happen and that fly-by-night fake "missions" don't exist.

But don't let's advise "wife" to stay in Africa.  Africa doesn't need people like her.

The whole thing reminds me of Megan Redshaw (Heimer).  I suppose the "mission" isn't  Live Beyond Words, Inc., is it?

I think we've discussed Megan and her Living Whole blog here before.  Complete lunatic.  She lost custody of her bio kids to her ex husband.  Her parental rights were terminated for the children supposedly adopted (very fishy story) from the DNC.  I hope they are doing well today.

 

 

  

Edited February 14, 2020 by Palimpsest

[Xan]

21 minutes ago, Palimpsest said:

No. No. And no.

But where is the husband in all of this?  He does not get a pass.  At all.  The concerned and supportive grandparents might want to start considering their options for intervention if he is incapable of caring for the children.

Many African countries have huge limitations on, or are now closed to, international adoptions thanks to adoption shenanigans like this.  And most now comply with the Hague Convention.  Of course that doesn't mean abuses of the system don't still happen and that fly-by-night fake "missions" don't exist.

But don't let's advise "wife" to stay in Africa.  Africa doesn't need people like her.

The whole thing reminds me of Megan Redshaw (Heimer).  I suppose the "mission" isn't  Live Beyond Words, Inc., is it?

I think we've discussed Megan and her Living Whole blog here before.  Complete lunatic.  She lost custody of her bio kids to her ex husband.  Her parental rights were terminated for the children supposedly adopted (very fishy story) from the DNC.  I hope they are doing well today.

 

 

  

Reading this whole thing over, you're right.  Africa doesn't need this woman.  And her husband bears equal responsibility.  

This is one of those instances when I wish there was someone else in the family caring and responsible enough to step in and help the children since the parents are too messed up to function as parents.

[LilMissMetaphor]

I know you said you wanted to keep everything anonymous, but I feel like you're invested in the husband being more or less blameless (is he your son?) and I don't think you're going to see that response here.

[anachronistic]

Honestly I thought the poster was either the dad or a grandparent.

[Giraffe]

2 hours ago, LilMissMetaphor said:

I know you said you wanted to keep everything anonymous, but I feel like you're invested in the husband being more or less blameless (is he your son?) and I don't think you're going to see that response here.

 

42 minutes ago, anachronistic said:

Honestly I thought the poster was either the dad or a grandparent.

My thought was oldest bio daughter. 
 

eta: And yes, Husband is equally guilty.

Edited February 14, 2020 by Giraffe

[FighterJet]

@Xan @Howl @formergothardite @Palimpsest @Giraffe @anachronistic @imokit @LilMissMetaphor

 

Since quite a few FJers commented, I decided to make a single post addressing your main questions and observations.

Reading your comments has made me realize how poor of a job I made trying to infuse a realistic vibe of certain story details, so I will try and improve on that front. Having made the choice not to reveal these people’s identities, this might be a tad difficult, but I’ll try my best nonetheless.

-         Why keep their identities private? Is Husband my son? Why do I seem to unfairly put all the “blame” on Wife?

These 3 questions can be answered together: Wife is the practically the only person whose voice is heard on their family life matters. She is the one updating social media, she is the only one who made a choice to go public  and share personal info (well, maybe Husband’s input amounts to 3% of the total), she is the proverbial “squeaky wheel” and the preachy soulwinner. So, my commentary naturally tends to shift towards what comes out of her mouth. This isn’t to say that Husband is blameless: on the contrary, reading your comments has made me realize how unfair my description of the pair looked. Husband is likely every bit the bigot you’d expect him to be, despite being “held back” by his neurological and mental health problems, the reason he got saved in the first place. These specific problems shouldn't endanger the children, btw, as he was able to pass the adoption scrutiny. Apparently, Husband regularly goes to work (that’s one job he has held since forever, and something he can do without much hindrance). Wife and Husband are reciprocal “enablers”. I personally never even talked to him (def not my son, lol) and am not related to the family in any way. We don’t share the same faith. Other family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) don’t share Wife’s passion for making her life public on the internet.

 

-         Children at home, grandparents help, potential abuse.

Although stuck in a strange home where, by Wife’s proud admission, the book “Shepherding a Child's Heart ” by Tedd Tripp (check out its amazon reviews) lies the foundations for discipline, no CPS-worthy abuse is taking place. True, they do live in a house where all the typical fundie buzzwords and quirks are present, but they are well-fed (frozen microwaved food by Wife, but still), nicely dressed and bathed, their emotional needs are met at (at least) the basic level, they attend school and after-school activities, have friends outside the home... frankly, all things that put them in a better position than any Duggar kid. Again, this isn't to diminish Husband and Wife's wrongdoings, narcissism and craziness, but just to say that their situation can't exactly be framed as abusive, as of now. After Wife left for Africa (maybe after experiencing burnout, as some of you suggested), the children could count on at least one supportive grandmother (as for the rest, the details remain fuzzy as to how much they all helped). Husband isn’t the sharpest tool in the box, he is bossy and lazy and weird, but he has reportedly always been invested in the children's bedtime routine, at least. During Wife's absence, he allowed the youngest kids to sleep in the master bed. On the contrary, his house managing skills were almost non-existant at the time of Wife's departure, as he pretty much adheres to a strict interpretation of "traditional gender roles". He's one of those men who'd rather have their young daughters take care of the laundry for the entire family than step up and do it himself, apparently. As expected, upon returning, Wife praised her sons more than her daughters for achieving much less in terms of housework.

 

- Wife not giving a shoot about relationship with bio daughter.

Admittedly, I think that in the spur of the moment, I didn't correctly weigh my words. I was outraged that Wife could drone on and on about her 5 (she was 5, not 7 as I mistakenly stated) year old's "sins" to feel good about her own parenting shortcomings. Wife never literally said she doesn’t give a shoot, on the other hand she appears concerned about Bio Daughter at times, but it is apparent that her own convenience matters way more than her children’s individual needs. 

 

-   African mission center: lies about kid’s age, adoption, Wife

To be fair, it wasn’t Husband and Wife who lied about the child’s age, it was the local governmental agency who released the paperwork for that child who did it, as no birth certificate was present (it isn’t all that uncommon for people in poor areas not to know their birthday) and it is believed that younger children get adopted more easily. This child’s mother absolutely wanted him to get adopted due to safety reasons. Wife and Husband genuinely thought (well, according to wife at least) they were adopting a 5 y.o., whereas they were presented with a tall 9 to 11 y.o. True, they kept their doubts to themselves until the entire process was finalized, effectively taking part in the “scam”, but they received the birth mother’s blessing in doing so.

The mission center: this specific mission center appears to be useful in the disadvantaged area where it operates. A mix of locals and some foreign volunteers manage it. Its main role seems to be that of intermediary between African families, orphanages, hospitals and government agencies. A street child needs a surgery? They fundraise to cover for its costs. A baby is found living with her poor grandmother? The center tries contacting extended family members to see if they can help that child. On top of that, it houses and schools around 40 orphans and abandoned kids, some of whom have disabilities or AIDS.

I still stand on my idea that no one in their right mind would go the extra mile to adopt 3 children from another continent and have 3 biological ones only to leave them behind while still very young for the better part of a year, so that she can pursue her Mother Theresa tendencies. She could’ve compromised and been gone for 1 or maybe even 2 months, if that really mattered to her, but the time period she was away was much longer and full of heartache. She could’ve arranged to move the entire family overseas, as hard as it may be, for unity’s sake (her hypocrisy is glaring).

However, to make it a bit more comprehensible, I will reveal that Wife had departed with the intention of bringing home another child they had been trying to adopt for 3 years. Someone commented that “the scams and lies are partly responsible for harder and longer adoption processes”. Spot on. Husband and Wife had it smooth twice but not thrice. The child’s father being alive, Husband and Wife weren’t able to bring the newcomer home as soon as they would have liked. Chances are they won’t be able to bring the child home at all (for very serious reasons concerning the child as well).

So Wife became unreasonable and boarded the plane, thinking that the presence of her unqualified self in Africa would magically solve things. Of course it didn’t, and Wife initially remained on “I need to remain with Child” grounds. Only thing was, before long Wife got herself busy at the mission center, and it became apparent that “looking after Child” was an excuse, as she wasn’t able to look that much after Child, anyways.

While she was gone, New Yearly Best Friend was “milked” some; as long as childcare is concerned.

Someone suggested a “1-way-ticket-to-Africa” for Wife. Well, I don’t think it’d ever work. Wife loves to soak in the attention and would shy away of anything if it ever became “a duty”. Maybe one of the reasons Wife fled was to teach Husband a lesson. Or maybe it was because she honestly hates being a homemaker, but would never admit to it, because *beliefs*

Edited February 15, 2020 by FighterJet

[formergothardite]

2 hours ago, FighterJet said:

The mission center: this specific mission center appears to be useful in the disadvantaged area where it operates. A mix of locals and some foreign volunteers manage it. Its main role seems to be that of intermediary between African families, orphanages, hospitals and government agencies. A street child needs a surgery? They fundraise to cover for its costs. A baby is found living with her poor grandmother? The center tries contacting extended family members to see if they can help that child. On top of that, it houses and schools around 40 orphans and abandoned kids, some of whom have disabilities or AIDS.

Great that they are doing some good. But they are literally letting people who neglect children come! And they let Husband and Wife come when they apparently were having major issues and they were using this to "save" their marriage. That is some huge, HUGE red flags about this mission center. It seems like they let Wife just pop over whenever she fancies. WTF!

Have you contacted them with your concerns? 

[AliceInFundyland]

Could you clarify the number and age of kids at present. (and which are bio)

Edited February 15, 2020 by AliceInFundyland

[FighterJet]

13 hours ago, formergothardite said:

Great that they are doing some good. But they are literally letting people who neglect children come! And they let Husband and Wife come when they apparently were having major issues and they were using this to "save" their marriage. That is some huge, HUGE red flags about this mission center. It seems like they let Wife just pop over whenever she fancies. WTF!

Have you contacted them with your concerns? 

I have never contacted them. At least, not until this day.

I don't know, I think some people at the center started wondering about her as well. I am almost certain that those who are most aware of the facts as well as certain church goers showed concern, especially after this past year, and were unafraid to voice them. Husband did publicly complain as the weeks of wifely absence piled on, but at the same time it doesn't appear to me that many from that church were capable of producing normal reactions. It's either all a façade of monkish talk, or most people truly are stunted and brainwashed around there, though not to the same extent as, say, some NIFB home churches. New Yearly Best Friend probably has a vested interest in sticking by Wife's side (when many others seemingly fled), since her family is also hoping to adopt. Her case is being hindered by bureaucracy, just like Wife's.

The fact with Wife is that she's a very vocal fundraiser, pretty hands on involved in sponsoring the mission center (mainly through church networks, but not limited to that). The center wouldn't be where it is today had it not been for the prolonged efforts of Wife and Husband, who on his part put in work to develop a new specific branch of this center, offering options to young people who wish to undertake a certain professional path. This I think explains why she seems to be able to just pop in whenever.

Husband and Wife are two major patrons of the center, they do have a say in the direction the center takes, but neither is in charge of operations on the field, although they do periodically volunteer. They don't speak the local language, so their interaction with the children and guests always has to happen with a mediator present. 

I am not aware of what actually takes place at this mission center, having never been there myself, but according to Wife's journals and updates, what she does there is drive around with local social workers looking for the relatives of street children, entertain the youngest orphans, throw birthday parties for the guests, fundraise and try and help solve administrative issues. Even when it comes to directly taking care of the children, Wife always seems to confine her sphere of action to "the fun part", and the "spiritual part", leaving practical tasks up to the social workers. Caregivers and child minders would feed, change, carry and sing the children to sleep. For instance, when she brought the two adopted girls home, someone criticized her for spanking her adopted daughter only 3 days after her arrival, to which Wife replied that 1) she and Husband used Tedd Tripp's biblical discipline method on all their children and 2) the girls were used to being slapped, as their birth mother first and the local caregivers later would smack their left hand if they ever dared bringing food to their mouths with it & for other transgressions. ?

6 hours ago, AliceInFundyland said:

Could you clarify the number and age of kids at present. (and which are bio)

The kids are about 5, 8, 11, 13, 14 (estimate) and 17 (more realistically 18 or 19, though, since his real birthday is unknown). When she left, they were a year younger.

Edited February 15, 2020 by FighterJet

[Palimpsest]

Ok, @FighterJet, a few things stand out here.   It sounds as though most of what you know is second hand and comes from the oldest bio-child. 

First and foremost:  What do you want from us here on FJ?  Simple agreement?   Yes, it sounds as though this family situation is Patriarchal Fundie and Bad, but you claim that the children are not abused.  Yes, it sounds as though "wife" is neglectful and showing signs of being a serial adopter and child-hoarder.  Yes, inter-country adoption is controversial, and in my mind should only happen when the child's special needs simply cannot be met in their country of origin.  

So what are you wanting to do about this situation?  Perhaps you need to start educating some of those involved.  And yourself a bit more..  

1.  Corporal punishment. 

3 hours ago, FighterJet said:

For instance, when she brought the two adopted girls home, someone criticized her for spanking her adopted daughter only 3 days after her arrival, to which Wife replied that 1) she and Husband used Tedd Tripp's biblical discipline method on all their children and

No.  Spanking is absolutely contraindicated for adopted children.  There are any number of articles out there explaining why this runs the risk of retraumatising an already vulnerable child.  Of course we don't need to go into why it is a terrible method of disciplining any child. 

Most reputable  agencies working in inter-country adoption make you sign a contract not to spank your adopted child.  It is required by the countries of origin.  In fact, many people have failed home studies if they believe in spanking.   Spanking is also not allowed by most states for  foster and adoptive children, even in domestic adoptions, although some states are lagging behind.    

Tedd Trip.  So-called "Dr" Trip is a disgrace.  He's big in Reformed and Evangelical circles but he's in the same box as Michael Pearl.  He advocates spanking and other forms of "Biblical discipline" that are godawful when used on bio children.  Let alone on adopted children.  

2.  The Conservative and Evangelical Christian Adoption Movement and the problems with it.

Adopting internationally for Jesus became very fashionable in the early 2000s in this sector.  Many well-meaning people bit off more than they could chew.  Also many not well-meaning people adopted for the wrong reasons and had absolutely no idea how to cope with trauma, attachment disorders and special needs children.  Or even healthy and well adjusted children subjected to the trauma of inter-country adoptions. 

I recommend Kathryn Joyce's book, The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption.  If you don't have time to read that, this article sums it up.  https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2013/04/christian-evangelical-adoption-liberia/

2.  Screening of Adoptive Parents.

19 hours ago, FighterJet said:

Husband is likely every bit the bigot you’d expect him to be, despite being “held back” by his neurological and mental health problems, the reason he got saved in the first place. These specific problems shouldn't endanger the children, btw, as he was able to pass the adoption scrutiny.

Ha!  So did Larry and Carri Williams.  You did not give a time-frame for all of this, but home studies depend on the agency involved.  Many have now lost their licenses.  For cause.  Perhaps it is time to contact the original adoption agency and ask about the home-study and what, if any, follow-up they have done with the family.  Sadly families can refuse follow-up after the adoption is final.   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Hana_Grace-Rose_Williams  

3.  This unnamed mission in an unnamed country. 

Honestly there are red flags all over this mission or adoption facilitator, if you will, especially as "wife" seems to be trying to adopt a fourth child through them.  You can check out their status if you want to here:  https://www.iaame.net/  

And I would ask quite a few more hard questions about a mission and adoption agency that even considers a repeat inter-country adoption to this family. 

I'm guessing, but my top two choices for the country are Liberia and Ghana.  Liberia has reopened to inter-country adoption and Ghana is open too.   

[Pecansforeveryone]

Never mind, the whole nervy nerve of converting the "heathens." Missions work on a good day does at least as much harm as good. First do no harm is huge for me. Sometimes doing nothing is the better (not good) option. Missions work is mind blowingly arrogant to me. I say that as ex-evangelical who has been on a few missions trips. We can't change what we dont acknowledge. 

[FighterJet]

1 hour ago, Palimpsest said:

Ok, @FighterJet, a few things stand out here.   It sounds as though most of what you know is second hand and comes from the oldest bio-child. 

First and foremost:  What do you want from us here on FJ?  Simple agreement?   Yes, it sounds as though this family situation is Patriarchal Fundie and Bad, but you claim that the children are not abused.  Yes, it sounds as though "wife" is neglectful and showing signs of being a serial adopter and child-hoarder.  Yes, inter-country adoption is controversial, and in my mind should only happen when the child's special needs simply cannot be met in their country of origin.  

So what are you wanting to do about this situation?  Perhaps you need to start educating some of those involved.  And yourself a bit more..  

1.  Corporal punishment. 

No.  Spanking is absolutely contraindicated for adopted children.  There are any number of articles out there explaining why this runs the risk of retraumatising an already vulnerable child.  Of course we don't need to go into why it is a terrible method of disciplining any child. 

Most reputable  agencies working in inter-country adoption make you sign a contract not to spank your adopted child.  It is required by the countries of origin.  In fact, many people have failed home studies if they believe in spanking.   Spanking is also not allowed by most states for  foster and adoptive children, even in domestic adoptions, although some states are lagging behind.    

Tedd Trip.  So-called "Dr" Trip is a disgrace.  He's big in Reformed and Evangelical circles but he's in the same box as Michael Pearl.  He advocates spanking and other forms of "Biblical discipline" that are godawful when used on bio children.  Let alone on adopted children.  

2.  The Conservative and Evangelical Christian Adoption Movement and the problems with it.

Adopting internationally for Jesus became very fashionable in the early 2000s in this sector.  Many well-meaning people bit off more than they could chew.  Also many not well-meaning people adopted for the wrong reasons and had absolutely no idea how to cope with trauma, attachment disorders and special needs children.  Or even healthy and well adjusted children subjected to the trauma of inter-country adoptions. 

I recommend Kathryn Joyce's book, The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption.  If you don't have time to read that, this article sums it up.  https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2013/04/christian-evangelical-adoption-liberia/

2.  Screening of Adoptive Parents.

Ha!  So did Larry and Carri Williams.  You did not give a time-frame for all of this, but home studies depend on the agency involved.  Many have now lost their licenses.  For cause.  Perhaps it is time to contact the original adoption agency and ask about the home-study and what, if any, follow-up they have done with the family.  Sadly families can refuse follow-up after the adoption is final.   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Hana_Grace-Rose_Williams  

3.  This unnamed mission in an unnamed country. 

Honestly there are red flags all over this mission or adoption facilitator, if you will, especially as "wife" seems to be trying to adopt a fourth child through them.  You can check out their status if you want to here:  https://www.iaame.net/  

And I would ask quite a few more hard questions about a mission and adoption agency that even considers a repeat inter-country adoption to this family. 

I'm guessing, but my top two choices for the country are Liberia and Ghana.  Liberia has reopened to inter-country adoption and Ghana is open too.   

You are right, most of what I know is second hand, or as told by Wife on social media. I personally didn't want anything other than vent and share this story on FJ, a forum where we discuss fundies. I don't know many people who would want to talk about these things, and this forum seemed like the right place to release pent up thoughts about this story. That's all. Participation into this discussion is voluntary, of course, and if the story has new developments I will update.

You see, I have been aware of this family for years. When I first heard about them, they were in the process of adopting the 2 girls. I found out that Wife thoroughly updated a blog back then, and geez, was it some rabbit hole. I found her terrible. Of course, not only her, but Husband as well, but as I said earlier, Wife is the one who does most of the talking and stays in the spotlight, so as a consequence her wrongdoings stand out more. Then I stopped following them for a few years. Until last week, when I found out about Wife's flight to Africa and new vague details emerged. I remembered how holier-than-thou and downright poisonous she sounded, and decided that I wanted to share the story on FJ.

It is frustating to know that people around the world do harm in such subtle ways and to not be able to do anything to prevent it. I am not sure the kids aren't abused, but I am not sure they are either, so I won't say "yes, they are abused" even if I suspect it, because I have no hard proof they are. I think the parents are a nasty pair of humans, but at this point in time I can't prove anything concrete against them, other than anectodal and second hand facts, or facts as told by wife. They don't appear (from what I see) to be breaking the law, although this does not make their actions any more justifiable! I take solace in that fact that some people who are more well-informed than I am at this time are probably digging deeper into this story. I would like to dig deeper myself, but I am not sure I'd be able to make a difference. 

Sure, anyone using Tedd Tripp's childrearing methods is disgustingly close to abuse in my book. I am totally against corporal punishment for children. I was simply stating what Wife said, not condoning her. She is pretty unbelievable.

I thank you a lot for your point 3 info. That's so useful! I will def check that out. And, that's right, the country is one of the two you brought up. And thank you about the book recommendation, too! I am sure it'll turn out useful.

What I despise and fear the most about Wife and Husband is that they're great chameleons.

They, unlike many fundies, don't shy away from the world. Their appearance and style of clothing isn't different from your average joes'. They don't shackle their homeschooled children to their beds like the Turpins, but they do a darn good job at sending them to school and to after school activities.

At the same time, they are fanatical. They can't complete a sentence without mentioning the scriptures. They are manipulative, as in they use their fanaticism to justify everything they do and feel good about it. 

All these elements are precisely the reason why they are so nasty, potentially more so than openly vest-and-frumper fundies who at least seem to sport a tag warning outsiders about the nature of their cults.

 

 

1 hour ago, Pecansforeveryone said:

Never mind, the whole nervy nerve of converting the "heathens." Missions work on a good day does at least as much harm as good. First do no harm is huge for me. Sometimes doing nothing is the better (not good) option. Missions work is mind blowingly arrogant to me. I say that as ex-evangelical who has been on a few missions trips. We can't change what we dont acknowledge. 

There was a time years ago when Wife was heavily lobbying for church members to host, foster and sponsor teenagers from the mission center as part of "an exchange program" only to throw a hissy fit when most of them refused. She is so narcissistic she talks about "Jesus opening her heart up for X, Y, Z" and then expects everyone else to feel exactly the same. It doesn't cross her mind that someone might have good reasons not to do something. She and Husband twist the scriptures to their own convenience at all times.

Edited February 15, 2020 by FighterJet