Christian Forum Thread About Spanking Kids

[Kitty]

What the heck are these kids doing to warrant being beat with their pants down? What's wrong with a little time-out? Good grief.

Probably normal little-kid things, like getting fussy in a store, spilling drinks/food because of natural childhood clumsiness, fighting with siblings, etc.

Usually parents who spank often spank for very little things.

[Childless]

I was spanked as a child. Never on the bare ass, but I was still spanked. I've decided that our household will be a "no spank" zone. My husband wholeheartedly agrees. I believe that hitting someone is wrong and would punish my child if they hit another person or would encourage an adult to file charges if another adult hit them. So, how can I condone hitting my own child? Hitting is hitting. There's no difference. It is wrong anytime someone does it.

My mom has hinted around that spanking is necessary when talking to me about disciplining my son. If I went to her house and said, "Yeah, Mr. Childless hit me yesterday, but it wasn't hard and it didn't leave any marks.", she would tell me to file charges of domestic violence and to get out of the house. But, she thinks it's ok for me to do that to my child. It makes no sense to me.

[antifundie]

I remember my last spanking. I was in 8th grade, taking a standardized test. My mom left my sister and I at the church were the testing was taking place--we were supposed to be done by noon or something. Anyway, turned out 8th-graders didn't have to take part of the test, so I was done for the day, as were some of my friends. They decided to walk over to a gas station to get a slurpee--and I went along. Well, we walked past the restaurant were my mom and her friends were having brunch, and omg, she was SO ANGRY. I explained that I didn't have to take part of the test, etc., but I guess she was mad because I hadn't asked permission or something--nevermind that I couldn't get a hold of her (age before cell phones), and that I was with a group of people in a relatively safe area, etc. So, yeah, I got spanked for that. At 13.

The other punishment I remember was that I bought (with my own money) a 17 magazine. When she found out--again, furious. I think I was "grounded" from the phone for 2 weeks--which did actually hurt as I talked to my best friend on the phone. I think I was 12 or so.

Keep in mind, I was considered bad and rebellious for doing these things, which now that I think about them, are pretty normal, age-appropriate behaviors. Sure, I could see her being frustrated or worried or something, but oh my gosh, I don't understand the anger and fury my behavior caused. I would think (in both cases) a conversation would have been better--like, "make sure you're safe when walking around" and "why did you buy that magazine? What do you think of it?" etc. But no.

And oh yeah, I was TERRIFIED of my parents when I was a teenager. Gee, I wonder why??

[Hane]

People who are convinced that this is appropriate behavior tend to flock together for mutual reinforcement. I remember my mother and my aunts comparing anecdotes about hitting us kids, often in our presence, which was doubly horrifying for a timid kid like me, who wanted to "please" (*barf*) my mother. Family get-togethers, on both sides of the family, were contests to see whose children behaved better, and were most afraid of their parents.

My 62-year-old cousin recently confided to me, for the first time, all the abuse she and her brother endured as kids. Her mother, the "cuddly little Italian auntie" that I loved, effectively bullied her daughter into staying in an abusive, soul-wrecking marriage for 40 years.

I was just on Facebook and saw a pic of my mother that my youngest (and least-abused) sister posted--and I (no exaggeration) shuddered. So many unresolved issues--a brilliant woman who NEEDED to be something other than a SAHM, but who never got the right nudge.

I confess to having given my daughter a swat or two when she was very little (thank God she does not remember any of it!) but soon realized that corporal punishment is not the answer. Anyone who tries to lay a hand on my grandchild will draw back a stump.

[Guest Anonymous]

I think the reasons for hitting kids really are trivial almost all of the time. You know, I wasn't actually hit all that much compared to many people (though I was certainly threatened a lot). Here are the 7 major spankings I remember:

-- Age 3: Spanked for wetting my pants, and the living room carpet.

-- Age 3: Spanked in the car for whining during a family road trip.

--Age 4: Spanked at my grandparents for whining.

-- Age 5: I started tickling my father. He started tickling me back. I was laughing and having a great time, but saying, "Stop that." So my father said, "YOU started it." And I said, "No, no, no, YOU started it." This was not at all true, but I was JOKING with him. All of a sudden my father gets very cold and calm and angry, and demands that I admit that I am lying or I will get a spanking. And I refused to say I was lying. Unfortunately, I either didn't have the verbal sophistication to explain that it was a joke or I wasn't given the chance. So I got spanked and then told to admit that I was lying. I refused. Spanked again, then was stood up and told to admit that I was lying, and I refused. This went on and on, I was screaming, and finally my mother told my father that she heard me say I was lying. I didn't correct her and the spanking ended.

--Age 7: It was a Saturday morning and I was watching cartoons. My mother asked me to come down to eat breakfast at the table. I didn't want to, so I whined and grumbled about it. So, that earned me a spanking from my father.

-- Age 9: Spanked for forgetting to do my daily chore of emptying the wastebaskets.

-- Age 10: Spanked for whining.

Part of what made this so traumatic for me was that my "offenses" were either not offenses at all, or incredibly trivial. Not to mention that there was a double standard. It was okay for my father to whine or be crabby if he was having a bad day, but not for me.

[raineymott]

Part of what made this so traumatic for me was that my "offenses" were either not offenses at all, or incredibly trivial. Not to mention that there was a double standard. It was okay for my father to whine or be crabby if he was having a bad day, but not for me.

Yeah...it was OK for my dad to be angry (or mom, tho she wasn't angry often), but it wasn't OK for me to be. And most of the things I got spanked for after age 18 were either dumb mistakes, or like rolling my eyes at my mom or something equally stupid.

Plus, there was a double standard between me and the rest of the kids. No, not making this up either. I remember being spanked for my "attitudes" all through puberty while when my sisters who were 9 years younger than me went thru puberty, they broke things and abused the little kids and got off with an "oh you shouldn't do that".

[Guest Anonymous]

Oh, I absolutely believe siblings often get treated differently. I was an only child but I often saw double standards in the way other parents treated one sibling versus another. I think it is a pretty well known phenomenon that parents lighten up on younger children.

I am more stunned that you got spanked after the age of 18! Is that right or is that a typo? My father threatened up through the age of 15 but never actually followed through after I was 10. My biggest fear in life though was being spanked after puberty.

[raineymott]

My mom especially seemed to be harder on a particular two of us than the rest. (The two of us who are now out and trying to live normally! Lol) And yeah, HUGE double standards, and NOT in a good way. The really little ones practically get away with murder...when I remember my brothers and I (I mostly grew up with the next three boys) tried so hard to go one day without getting spanked. It was weird. Then again, my mom only spanked when my dad was home. Unless it came to me...she seemed to like spanking me.

And no, after 18 was not a typo. I think my last spanking was when I was like 21 or 22 (and from my mom, of course), and over something so dumb I can't even remember. She probably *thought* I was being disrespectful or something. My dad bragged about how he would spank us all the way up to the altar. Oh, and I was the only one who got spanked after age 20, because my mom liked to spank me. I think she had jealousy issues.

[Guest Anonymous]

Holy crap, Raineymott. Touchy question because I know it was probably a really difficult situation, and not at all easy to get out of: But did you ever think of calling the police or fighting back at that age? (And again, I am not implying that this would have been easy to do, and I can totally understand why you wouldn't. Just wondering what you thought about it at the time.)

[raineymott]

Holy crap, Raineymott. Touchy question because I know it was probably a really difficult situation, and not at all easy to get out of: But did you ever think of calling the police or fighting back at that age? (And again, I am not implying that this would have been easy to do, and I can totally understand why you wouldn't. Just wondering what you thought about it at the time.)

It never occurred to me. I didn't know there was anything *wrong* in being spanked as an adult (other than I hated it and it was humiliating)...maybe I should say I didn't know there was anything legally wrong in being spanked as an adult until after I left and said something. Either my parents didn't know it was legally wrong, or they counted on the fact that I'd be to embarrassed to admit to doing something worth being spanked over at that age. And like I said, whatever it was, it was so trivial I don't even remember. The worst thing I did was talk to boys online when my parents didn't want me to. I wasn't even out getting pregnant or anything. LOL

[Guest Anonymous]

That's interesting. I was raised in very different circumstances than you, and not as severe by any means. I remember as a child being fascinated by ads for child abuse hotlines and also the Good Times episode in which a very young Janet Jackson (a little girl back then) played a child abuse victim. I used to think about calling the child abuse hotline but then I kind of figured out that what my father was doing was legal. So then I would drop hints to my teacher in the hope that she might figure out something to do, but my hints never got picked up! When I turned 18, I made a promise to myself to call 911 if my father ever tried to hit me, but it never happened. He threw something once when I was 21, so I just got up, walked out, hopped on a train and went back to college. Then I realized my dorm wasn't open yet because it was still the holidays so I had to use my parents' credit card to stay in a hotel! Very different circumstances, obviously, with more options at my disposal. I am really sorry for everything you have gone through.

[raineymott]

I had never heard of child abuse hotlines. We didn't have a TV...barely any outside influence (we stopped going to church years ago, and "somehow" never had any close friends, due to my dad being aggressive when it came to talking about theology), and only listened to conservative talk radio. Going to Walmart was for my siblings what going to the mall is for other kids. Sorta. lol

[Austin]

Oh, I absolutely believe siblings often get treated differently. I was an only child but I often saw double standards in the way other parents treated one sibling versus another. I think it is a pretty well known phenomenon that parents lighten up on younger children.

I think this is an important point when discussing family dynamics. Oftentimes, one adult child will recount his/her experiences growing up, and a sibling will say, "Oh, that never happened", the unstated (or even stated) implication being, "I should know - I was there!"

But siblings growing up in the same house with the same parents can experience very different childhoods. There are lots of reasons for this, but I don't believe the truth is an objective fact as much as people think it is in many of these situations.

[raineymott]

I think this is an important point when discussing family dynamics. Oftentimes, one adult child will recount his/her experiences growing up, and a sibling will say, "Oh, that never happened", the unstated (or even stated) implication being, "I should know - I was there!"

But siblings growing up in the same house with the same parents can experience very different childhoods. There are lots of reasons for this, but I don't believe the truth is an objective fact as much as people think it is in many of these situations.

Yeah, I agree. When I was with my family, I was hesitant to bring up the fact to any of my siblings that my mom was harder on me...but in fact my brother said "is mom mad at you??" or something to that effect pretty frequently, so I knew it wasn't my imagination! (Like I said, I think she had some weird jealousy issues with me...she was jealous of me anytime my dad and I went out to do errands without her. Sorta weird/creepy, now that I think about it. lol)

[Guest Anonymous]

Wow. I can't even imagine being so isolated, raineymott. For me, getting a chance to get out of the house and go to school, watch TV, read books, etc. were crucial. I hope you are doing better now, and I am glad you got out!

[raineymott]

Doing MUCH better now!! -- besides the mental/emotional fallout/catchup I gotta do and deal with which makes things difficult.

[dawbs]

I think this is an important point when discussing family dynamics. Oftentimes, one adult child will recount his/her experiences growing up, and a sibling will say, "Oh, that never happened", the unstated (or even stated) implication being, "I should know - I was there!"

But siblings growing up in the same house with the same parents can experience very different childhoods. There are lots of reasons for this, but I don't believe the truth is an objective fact as much as people think it is in many of these situations.

This is so very true. My younger sister and I have a very different view of my mom than my older sister does--my mom's 'crazy' really started when big-sis left for college.

I'll also say that I am the only kid that my parents ever spanked w/ an implement. This still amazes me because spankings were relatively rare and I was SUCH a compliant child 99% of the time (Yelling at me WAS punishment.) -- it's just that compliant kids do have a stubborn streak.

(to be fair, I don't fault my parents in that instance. I got bored in school (age 5/6) and took a pair of scissors to the hem of my dress--cut out patterns. Got home, mom asked what happened to my dress. I lied, said I had no idea. I was sent to my room w/o a snack. Dad asked what happened--I was sticking to my story. Sent to room w/o supper. Lied more. Was put w/ nose on tape 'x' in corner and told they KNEW I had cut the dress, I insisted I hadn't. Washed out mouth w/ soap. Took away privileges. washed out mouth again. More time on 'x', swats on butt...still lied. My dad took off his belt and hit me with it 2x and I finally admitted I lied.

I'm not saying that was the 'right' response but I certainly get why my folks did it--they had exhausted EVERYTHING else they could think of and they felt [not necessarily wrongly] that lying was a big-hairy-deal. [a dress would have earned me the loss of privledges/snack/something--it was the lying that got me in trouble]

Only time my dad used a belt; he came up w/ something better [don't remember what] before it became an issue again.)

[AnnoDomini]

Ugh. My parents were big supporters of spanking--in a 'calm, loving way without anger' like described above, right down to the pauses. I wasn't angry at them for it--my mother always said that spanking us was incredibly emotionally hard on her too. But when I heard her and a church lady I had never really liked actually comparing notes on how best to spank to cause the most pain and humiliation (spanking slowly and deliberately was the concensus) I kind of hated that other woman and never quite trusted my mother again about how spanking was so difficult for her emotions. If it's so difficult, how can you possibly TRADE TIPS with another woman so calmly? She should be getting too upset to talk about it! Not to mention, I still think trading tips is kind of sick.

And though thankfully they never spanked me after puberty (this might be simply because right around that time was when my mother stopped functioning and never spanked because SHE wasn't emotionally up to it) every so often I'd get into tiffs with my father which would make me so angry. He's got a real alpha male side that comes out occasionally, and I get my back up in the presence of displays of dominance. This makes him so angry. Once he disrespected me by rolling his eyes (us children were NEVER, EVER to roll our eyes at our parents) and I told him to not do that at me. He deliberately did it again. I stood up, said something along the lines of 'stop that' calmly, and I believe started walking toward him. My mother, who has threatened to kick me out of the house for ephemeral, unquantifiable, unpredictable offenses such as 'making her feel like a bad parent' and 'disrespecting her', told ME to go to my room for being disrespectful. Not a WORD to him about how his behaviour was unacceptable. Then again, she believes in appearing to support him no matter how scary or big of an alpha male ass he's being. Something about the appearance of parental unity being better for the kids. I was 23 or 24 at the time.

I got to the foot of the stairs when my sister got home, and I told her why I was shaking in angry tears. She got real quiet which means she's angry in a way she almost never gets, then she swept into the den, told my parents their behaviour made her physically sick, then took me out. Of course my parents didn't know what she was talking about, though they should have. She only talks about what's making her angry to those responsible a couple times a year. We got dinner and bought me new clothes, including shoes (as I had left the house without shoes or a purse--I felt so naked) at the thrift store.

[AnnoDomini]

See, these accounts of being punished to force the child to say a certain thing are disturbing. Even if the parents 'know' what if they don't actually? It's so rare to actually 'know'. Most of the times, people think they 'know' but really they're just 'sure'. Two very different things. Punishment to make the child confess is such a dangerous practice.

[Freed]

AnnoDomini, your story and mine sound very similar, only my mother never stopped until I managed to gather the courage (God only knows where from) to stand up to her and tell her she would never touch me again. She, too, did the slow, deliberate spanking, combined with Scripture recitation and not being allowed to cry (crying was manipulation). My dad never actually spanked me, and frankly, I do love him more for that reason.

My mother, on the other hand, I don't trust. She actually tested out which implements hurt more on me - turns out that green weeping willow branches are the most painful, but thin dowel rods are easier to get. She was very cold about it, and never pretended that it hurt her more than me.

Oh, and yes, she was a Pearl follower.

[AnnoDomini]

Oh Freed, that's horrible!

(I found out that goldenrod and weeping willow switches have a nice sting but... I was doing my own research on myself, and not for hitting-other-people purposes. Ahem.)

I think it's utterly ridiculous for parents to not 'allow' children to cry while BEING SPANKED. IT'S SUPPOSED TO HURT, WHAT DO THEY EXPECT???? Makes me so angry. Also, telling the child to stop crying (for whatever reason, in public or in the car or whatever) and threats of spanking if the child doesn't comply.

And Scripture recitation? What a way to turn a child off the Bible!

[Freed]

Aaaand, that's exactly what happened. I still can't read certain chapters of the Bible. I had to kneel, and read them aloud until I could do it without showing emotion.

As far as crying goes, I was spanked until I stopped crying. For two years, I literally could not cry. Apparently, this was the intended effect. It came after my mother read something about Susanna Wesley being able to spank in one room while guests were in the next room, without the guests knowing what was happening. Lovely.

[AnnoDomini]

You had to kneel... while being spanked... and reading aloud Bible passages... until you didn't cry or look like you were in excruciating pain and humiliation?

Ok, that's gotta be some kind of child and spiritual abuse right there.

[Freed]

It probably was. It became a point of pride for me, though. With that, I was in control. I could win, if I didn't cry - "Never let them see you bleed" and all.

I think the worst part is, she denies it happened now.

[raineymott]

My mom's spankings didn't hurt, they were just more humiliating than anything. We had to *pretend* to cry, otherwise she would keep spanking us until we did. o.O

That is awful, Freed!!