The Double Life of Hasidic Atheists

[2xx1xy1JD]

Don't underestimate the fear of losing your kids.

Anyone going through a divorce fears this, but it's worse in these families.

1. In the average case, parties usually sit down and negotiate a parenting schedule. Parents may have some differences, but kids transition from one home to the other. Here, there is often resistance from the beginning.

2. Family and community support can play a huge role. The religious spouse who stays has a huge support system, and can get help with legal bills. The spouse who leaves may be on their own.

3. Children often don't find it easy to transition from one parent to another when the rules, belief and lifestyle are so different, and when it is almost impossible for them to simultaneously love and respect both parents. Sometimes, if a child is strongly allied with one parent, even the courts can't stop the relationship with the other parent from breaking down.

4. People marry much younger, and have children much faster. By the time someone seriously questions their beliefs, they may have several children.

5. In these communities, there is often a paranoia about doing something that is "not done", and things that seem to be absolutely no problem to outsiders seem to be a big deal. Some thought patterns and fears remain even once the belief is gone.

There have been those that fought for custody and won (more common when it's the wife leaving, and when children are younger), but the fear itself can be paralyzing. These women know that there will be a bitter fight. They know that there may be no easy joint custody solution. They are part of a community where these cases are discussed, and where a certain level of paranoia is normal. Men also know that they face even worse odds if they leave.

[salex]

Wow, is it wrong that the first thing that popped in my head was this?

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[Idolatry]

Obviously it sucks to leave, and it's hard to get out. That's true for a lot of fundamentalists.

There are so many brave men and women who have left polygamy/the amish/orthodox whatever, and it was hard and they did it and went to family court and all that. Let's talk about them and support them.

These people are just cowards who are too scared to save their kids from what they don't even believe anymore. That makes them the worst kind of hypocrites.

[2xx1xy1JD]

The thing is that they fear that they CAN'T "save their kids". They believe that if they leave and make it public that they have lost their faith, they will lose their marriage and that there is a good chance that the kids will remain with the spouse and grow to hate them.

I remember encountering this extreme fear with one blogger - even though she was an awesome mom, educational psychologist and eventually even a lawyer. She and her husband hadn't always been religious, she wasn't in the most insular community and she actually loved her husband and he seemed to be a good guy. Nevertheless, the prospect of destroying her family and losing her kids terrified her, and she was usually a pretty fearless woman. Eventually, she blogged out her thoughts, discussed things with her husband, made changes in her life, and arrived at a point where she was more open about her thoughts and the family stayed together, but it took years for her to get to that point. If she was scared - a professional woman who works with kids and could support herself, who was a bit more mature and who had a support system - it's reasonable to me that someone who was younger, with more kids and less education, and who lacked any sort of support or basic ability to navigate the outside world, might believe that they could lose their kids.

I've met a couple people in this situation who were hypocrites and IMO severely lacking in any sort of moral compass, but I realize that there were some extreme circumstances.

There's also a problem that some (not all) face: coping with the collapse of all structure and moral code in their lives.

Many secular folks still have a moral compass, usually based on humanism. They also follow societal norms and rules. Sometimes, though, someone who has lived in an extremely strict and religious and relatively isolated setting doesn't really know how to cope once that is suddenly gone. The old rules are gone, and they never really learned those more-subtle-but-still-there rules that those in secular society follow. Picture Jeremiah from Breaking Amish. Missteps along the way (such as instability or substance abuse) can be factors in any child custody case.

[Idolatry]

Well, I guess they should just stick it out and complain in anonymous pieces of garbage journalism then. Maybe their kids can figure out how to get out in the future. Good luck, kids.

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

Fascinating article, thanks for posting it. Lots to think about.

[DGayle]

The cousins and everyone who can't marry into "good" families have the option to leave too. I have no pity for people who stay and raise their own children into the same thing to spare extended relatives from having to use their own brains and think about what they want. Then again, I'm a parent who puts my kids ahead of my other family.

[Idolatry]

Yea, wouldn't it be terrible to screw up the fantastic marriage arrangement of choosing your spouse based on other people's level of religious obedience. Because that totally makes sense. Who wouldn't want their kids to do that?