Hit and run quiverful bride.

[doggie]

This sounds like it was done by someone who is a little bit less than knowledgeable about divorce. Did she think that as long as she snagged the guy it would be a legally binding contract forever and eventually she would get what she wants? Does she think divorce is so difficult that he wouldn't attempt it? Divorce isn't as hard as being forced to convert and having five children you didn't want.

I bet she thinks that it is permanent because of her religion. who ever knows what goes on in someones head?

[Jezebel]

Keeping a fraud like that going for three years? That takes a lot of work, and most people are simply incapable of it. The truth leaks out in all kinds of ways, and to not notice any discrepancies you've got to be pretty friigin' obtuse. Looking back, there's probably a host of red flags that he ignored, or explained away.

From what I've seen/heard/read, women tend to outnumber men in a lot of churches. The woman in question may have faced slim pickings among single men in her church (or other venues for conservative Christian singles), so she said and did what she believed she had to in order to keep this particular guy. Maybe she was so desperate to be married, period, that she decided to get him to the altar and "fix" problems like his unbelief later.

Or maybe she found this guy attractive precisely because he was worldly, and thus very different from the "boring" churchgoing men available to her. After all, I've had ex-boyfriends who were intensely attracted to my outspokenness, independence, and nonconformist ways--only to try to squash those same qualities as the relationship progressed. They may have found my personality hot and exciting at first, but didn't want to actually live with it.

And never underestimate a True Believer's faith that they can convert loved ones to their worldview. Maybe she thought God was going to be on her side in this one. "Lying for the Lord" is nothing new.

If I were him, I'd be out the door with divorce papers served by now. Hell, I'd be seeking an annulment on grounds of fraud. This isn't just a crisis she's going through; she intentionally deceived him. She outright lied about who she was, and that's insurmountable, IMO. There's no counseling that's going to fix that. If she isn't pregnant yet, he can count himself lucky--once the divorce is final, he'll be free.

I'm still baffled at how he could go three years without so much as an inkling that she was deceiving him. I know men tend to take things at face value more than women do, and that there's a reason why we hear about "women's intuition," but not a male version. But STILL...

[NoneandDoneinCali]

I have to agree with Jezebel. He said they dated for three years, and he says nothing about "waiting for marriage" - I have to imagine that within that time period, he would have noticed if she had strong fundamentalist beliefs. I also don't think a newlywed would make another drastic change within the first couple of months of marriage without her spouse and give him an ultimatum. I know people can hide who the are for a while (personal experience with a significant other who changed drastically once we moved out of state and away from my support group), but three years? Wow. I think, if this is accurate, she may at most have hidden the fact that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and waited until after marriage to quit her job.

[Flossie]

If the story is true, maybe the relationship was a long-distance one? It's always easier to present only your best qualities when exchanging letters, emails, phone calls, etc. Then during the times they were able to visit each other it would be easy to spend little time with other people, so the woman's friends might not be aware that she's hiding her religious beliefs from the guy.

I had a roommate who dated a guy in the army for five years. They were never able to spend more than a couple of weeks together until he decided not to re-up again. So they planned for him to join her where she was living, they'd get married, and then decide after that where to live permanently. All went as planned and they were filing for divorce within six months. All that time they'd only been on their best behavior and after the wedding they found out they really didn't like each other.

[singsingsing]

I'm thinking maybe she fell away from her faith for a while, and then embraced it with renewed zeal after she was married? Maybe these friends of hers who said they didn't know how the fiance couldn't have known hadn't seen her in a while or weren't really that close to her, and didn't know that she wasn't living out her religion.

[gezykah]

Maybe this is a lie, it certainly wouldn't be the first time that happened on the internet, but I also could see this being true.

I have a relative who did something similar twice. Before her first marriage to a person of a different faith she swore that she didn't feel a strong connection to the religion she was raised under so if they had kids she was fine with them being raised practicing his faith. She also claimed to be ok with giving any potential children first names from his culture. All this changed when they started trying to conceive. I think her ex would've been a good father but I'm thankful they didn't have children together. When she begun her second marriage to an atheist she swore that she was spiritual but not religious and she was ok with not raising any potential children to practice any religion. After they had a child together all that changed.

Some people will say and do anything so they're not alone then think they can finally be themselves once they start feeling secure.

[BravaAmica]

Man, I read this thread title and thought to myself, "Huzzah! One made a break for it!" I'm disappointed.

[tigerchild]

I have known way too many average-to-below-average fundy guys who would not look twice at a woman who did not mean their (extremely picky and high) standards for physical appearances, ect. Or whose family wasn't up to snuff, ect. I'm also frankly not sure that many non-fundy people who have no education on it would necessarily know about all the tenants of a fundy belief system.

So I can definitely see a fundy young woman needing to go outside of her church for a mate, esp. if she was nice but average looking and didn't have a very involved in the church family. And if this guy wasn't ever involved in her church, how would he know really? Fundies use much of the same lingo as mainstream Christians/ect but the meanings are very very different.

Don't underestimate the desparation of someone who's been raised to believe they are worthless outside of marriage/children, and who isn't young enough/hot enough to attract the eye of one of the meager pickings of single men.

[fatcat]

Weird, but possible.

Slightly OT but similar story: I have a friend who dated a guy casually for about 6 months, and made it pretty clear she was interested in him. She also talked about liberal/ progressive topics with him frequently, and he seemingly agreed with everything she said. When she finally made it very clear she wanted a sexual relationship with him, he was shocked, told her that a) he was a very devout Christian, and b) he had a girlfriend. She later met the girlfriend, who knew about and was apparently fine with the whole thing. The guy also said he had interpreted his relationship with my friend only as 'friendship', which having been around them, is very difficult for me to believe. I also find it hard to believe he wouldn't mention his beliefs once during that time.

Either this guy was really naive and really did just want to be friends, or this was some weird attempt to convert my friend. Or maybe the guy secretly wanted something else but then couldn't quite bring himself to do it (which is that what I think, honestly).

I think there are some people who are a bit ashamed of their religious beliefs and will not talk about them in order to 'fit in' better. I think this is way more common in Europe than in the US though, in my experience. Some people here will mock you to your face if you say you're a Christian of any kind.

[BravaAmica]

Weird, but possible.

Slightly OT but similar story: I have a friend who dated a guy casually for about 6 months, and made it pretty clear she was interested in him. She also talked about liberal/ progressive topics with him frequently, and he seemingly agreed with everything she said. When she finally made it very clear she wanted a sexual relationship with him, he was shocked, told her that a) he was a very devout Christian, and b) he had a girlfriend. She later met the girlfriend, who knew about and was apparently fine with the whole thing. The guy also said he had interpreted his relationship with my friend only as 'friendship', which having been around them, is very difficult for me to believe. I also find it hard to believe he wouldn't mention his beliefs once during that time.

Either this guy was really naive and really did just want to be friends, or this was some weird attempt to convert my friend. Or maybe the guy secretly wanted something else but then couldn't quite bring himself to do it (which is that what I think, honestly).

I think there are some people who are a bit ashamed of their religious beliefs and will not talk about them in order to 'fit in' better. I think this is way more common in Europe than in the US though, in my experience. Some people here will mock you to your face if you say you're a Christian of any kind.

I get not sharing one's religious beliefs. I, personally, don't share mine in public. But the whole, "I never knew she was interested" dealio? Um, he knew. :lol:

[church_of_dog]

I get not sharing one's religious beliefs. I, personally, don't share mine in public. But the whole, "I never knew she was interested" dealio? Um, he knew. :lol:

I don't talk about my religious beliefs either. As an atheist and way-left liberal in a community of christian conservatives, I focus on being a part of my community and leave politics and religion out of it.

But if I'm dating someone? It gets addressed directly and bluntly, by me. I want to be very clear that my partner understands where I am coming from and me him, with regard to all important perspectives on life, religion (or lack thereof) included.

I have no problem being around religious people as my neighbors and coworkers, etc. But for a life partner? I want to make dog-gone sure they don't hold beliefs that I can't respect, or that would prevent them from respecting my lack of beliefs.