Hit and run quiverful bride.

[doggie]

No way to know if this is true but it sure looks like a quiverful ambush.

 

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear ... riage.html

 

Q. Bait and Switch: I dated my wife for three years before we married. We were both in our 30s and had had all of the important discussions before we decided to marry (kids, religion, etc.). At the time, she told me she was agnostic, and not really into "the whole religion thing." Now, less than six months into our marriage, she tells me she's joined a church and expects me to join her for Sunday services. It's only now that I learn that she has extremely right-wing, religious views. After talking with some of her friends, they couldn't believe I didn't know this about her. I asked them why they wouldn't have mentioned this when they found out we weren't having a church wedding and they told me that was probably done for my benefit. Now, instead of our not wanting any kids, she wants at least five and maybe more. Instead of no religion, she wants strict adherence to her religion. I feel I've been duped and that she's lied to me about herself. Is there any way out of this short of divorce?

 

A: This sounds like the idea for a follow-up to Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, because you've got a wife who rivals Flynn's in the unreliable narrator department. In your case either your wife is completely crazy or you've decided to concoct a crazy letter. I hate to think I'm being duped, but if this is an accurate rendering of the first months of your marriage, I don't understand why you're writing to me on how to avoid divorce. Your question should be something along the lines of whether you should go directly to a lawyer or trying a stab at therapy first. I get a lot of letters about couples with differing religious views. Almost always if there is deception, it's on the part of the person who is having doubts about their faith but who doesn't want to upset the believers around them. I haven't heard of the devout who want to keep that under wraps in hopes of snagging an atheist to convert. Marriages can be annulled when entered into fraudulently—I think you've got better grounds for this than did Henry VIII.

[singsingsing]

That is so bizarre. If you're super religious and you want kids, why on earth would you tell someone that you were agnostic and wanted no kids, and then marry them under that understanding? Did she think he would just completely change his mind once she dropped this bomb on him after they were married? The only explanation I can think of is that since she was in her 30s (and was so religious and wanted so many kids) she was desperate to get married, and thought anyone would do. But again... how did she think her husband would react to such a complete turn-around?! Craziness.

[Rescinded and Mended]

I'm so glad to know that a fundie wife didn't actually kill someone and make a break for it!

If it was me, I might try taking a stab at therapy before bailing out of the marriage, but something tells me that the signs were there, and maybe he just didn't want to see them. I've met a number of people who thought that certain issues with their partners would resolve on their own after the marriage took place, only to find that things stayed the same or got much worse.

Although, there are cases where everything is wonderful right up until the couple says I do. A friend of a friend married a man who claimed to be an ex-Mormon. They tied the knot, and then he basically told her that he owned her, according to his interpretation of the Book of Mormon. She got out eventually, but he made her life a living hell in his frantic attempts to get her to submit.

[doggie]

sex would be an issue as she would be trying to get pregnant so it could be risky and I bet the condoms were out the window.

[nokidsmom]

It is weird. I would think that if she was so anxious to get married and have a bunch of kids, it would be a hell of a lot easier to find someone in her church / religious circles vs. trying to fake it all with someone who is agnostic and wants no kids, then drop the bomb afterward figuring the guy would go along or at least was stuck with it. Kind of a risk and a lot more trouble, IMHO.

But who knows. Maybe he didn't see signs, some people won't see them even if it was waved straight in front of their faces. And there are people who aren't honest with their future spouses until after marriage. Or there are some other problems and she suddenly found religion. A friend of my sisters got divorced after her husband suddenly found religion and wanted her to quit her job, have a bunch of kids, submission, the whole bit. She decided divorce was the better option because she went into the marriage as an equal partner, but her husband's conversion fundamentally changed the whole equation for her.

If this story is true, I think the guy should call it quits and forget counseling. Because religion or no, she lied to him and big time. Why should he trust her at all after this, even with counseling?

[sparkles]

This letter has about the same ring of truth to it as "Dear Penthouse Forum, I swear this story really happened..."

I give it the big hairy eyeball of skepticism.

[singsingsing]

I don't know, I've heard too many true stories about people getting married and then their spouse suddenly morphing into this completely different person, sometimes even as soon as the wedding night. Some people are really scumbags and they see nothing wrong with tricking a person into marrying them on false pretenses. Then for some reason as soon as the wedding's over they feel as though they're safe, and their true colours come out. It's weird, I don't know why people do it (often they're abusive but not always), but it definitely does happen.

[GeoBQn]

I'm so glad to know that a fundie wife didn't actually kill someone and make a break for it!

Yes, the original letter was called "Bait and Switch." "Hit and Run" implies something completely different, and I don't know why the OP would use that title.

[Mela99]

It does sound a little odd. How could you not give something away if that was true? The follow up to it is interesting... 'missionary dating'.

[doggie]

I was thinking she hit him with it and ran right over him with the ideas I guess.

[nokidsmom]

I don't know, I've heard too many true stories about people getting married and then their spouse suddenly morphing into this completely different person, sometimes even as soon as the wedding night. Some people are really scumbags and they see nothing wrong with tricking a person into marrying them on false pretenses. Then for some reason as soon as the wedding's over they feel as though they're safe, and their true colours come out. It's weird, I don't know why people do it (often they're abusive but not always), but it definitely does happen.

While I have seen my share of letters telling some pretty far-fetched stories to advice columns, this doesn't strike me as one of those. Sure it's possible, but "bait and switch" marriage scenarios do happen. Some people can fake really well plus people can be prone to rationalizing any bad signs when it comes to their future spouses, to the point they can claim that they didn't see any "signs" beforehand.

I don't get why people set out to trap someone into marriage under false pretenses. Some are abusive, terrible people but for others, I think it's desperation.

[Rescinded and Mended]

A good friend of mine married a complete jackass. One of the big warning signs for me was right before the wedding. He insisted that I could not be the matron of honor for the bride (who was my best friend for many years), because it had to be his sister, so that everyone on his side of the family could be happy. My friend wasn't happy, but agreed to go along with his family. She always figured things would be better after that since she was keeping her fiance and his family happy. Since then, their whole marriage has basically been about him finding new and inventive ways to trample over her feelings whenever he feels like it.

I would have run for the hills before I ever agreed to go through with the marriage, if I was her.

[Jana814]

It does sound a little odd. How could you not give something away if that was true? The follow up to it is interesting... 'missionary dating'.

Have to agree!

[SPHASH]

A good friend of mine married a complete jackass. One of the big warning signs for me was right before the wedding. He insisted that I could not be the matron of honor for the bride (who was my best friend for many years), because it had to be his sister, so that everyone on his side of the family could be happy. My friend wasn't happy, but agreed to go along with his family. She always figured things would be better after that since she was keeping her fiance and his family happy. Since then, their whole marriage has basically been about him finding new and inventive ways to trample over her feelings whenever he feels like it.

I would have run for the hills before I ever agreed to go through with the marriage, if I was her.

I noticed in Christopher and Anna Marie's wedding pics that Sarah Maxwell was the maid of honor and not Anna Marie's sister Sarah aka Gracie. Wonder if Chris insisted on that. Sarah M isn't allowed to have friends so it's not like her and NR Anna were BFF's.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Wow, what a terrible thing to do. Did she not think that if she lied throughout them dating and turned into a whole new person after the wedding, he might not like the real her and break up with her.

[doggie]

Wow, what a terrible thing to do. Did she not think that if she lied throughout them dating and turned into a whole new person after the wedding, he might not like the real her and break up with her.

she may think marriage is till death so what the hell.

[Jana814]

A good friend of mine married a complete jackass. One of the big warning signs for me was right before the wedding. He insisted that I could not be the matron of honor for the bride (who was my best friend for many years), because it had to be his sister, so that everyone on his side of the family could be happy. My friend wasn't happy, but agreed to go along with his family. She always figured things would be better after that since she was keeping her fiance and his family happy. Since then, their whole marriage has basically been about him finding new and inventive ways to trample over her feelings whenever he feels like it.

I would have run for the hills before I ever agreed to go through with the marriage, if I was her.

Did your friend know how he was when she was dating him? I feel really bad for her.

[nokidsmom]

she may think marriage is till death so what the hell.

Or harboring some fantasy that she can somehow change him to see her point of view.

[Rescinded and Mended]

Did your friend know how he was when she was dating him? I feel really bad for her.

Yeah, so do I...thanks. I think she did understand he was like that to some degree, but she never tried to stick up for herself, and it got worse after the wedding. She always says, "I don't want to rock the boat, I just go with the flow." Problem now is, no one can stand her husband. He starts arguments with everyone, including members of her family, because he thinks he's right about everything. She is now in the predicament where no one in her family really wants to see her for the holidays because none of them can stand her husband. She called me crying not too long ago because her mother would rather spend time with her daughter-in-law (friend's brother's wife) instead of her. I haven't seen her in a long time, but I gently suggested that she should try harder to be more assertive when dealing with her husband. I worry about her because I don't think he'll ever change.

[nokidsmom]

Yeah, so do I...thanks. I think she did understand he was like that to some degree, but she never tried to stick up for herself, and it got worse after the wedding. She always says, "I don't want to rock the boat, I just go with the flow." Problem now is, no one can stand her husband. He starts arguments with everyone, including members of her family, because he thinks he's right about everything. She is now in the predicament where no one in her family really wants to see her for the holidays because none of them can stand her husband. She called me crying not too long ago because her mother would rather spend time with her daughter-in-law (friend's brother's wife) instead of her. I haven't seen her in a long time, but I gently suggested that she should try harder to be more assertive when dealing with her husband. I worry about her because I don't think he'll ever change.

That's too bad for your friend. It doesn't sound like he will change and also that she won't change, meaning being more assertive.

A friend of mine had a plaque on her wall that said "marry wisely, it will be 90% of your happiness or 90% of your misery".

[EmmieJ]

If this story is true, I think the guy should call it quits and forget counseling. Because religion or no, she lied to him and big time. Why should he trust her at all after this, even with counseling?

I know that if this happened to me, all I would want is out, as soon as possible. The person I thought I married did not exist, because I would never marry someone who would blatantly lie to me, manipulate me, etc.

But the whole story sounds hard to believe. Seems like there are plenty of single fundy men out there looking for a wife, so why bother with the whole charade? Although the fundy men I've seen (in photos) are generally a lackluster bunch, on the pasty side and not very attractive. So maybe a somewhat unbalanced fundy girl might see a cute guy, decide he's the one for her, and pretends to be just right for him? I guess anything is possible.

[nokidsmom]

I know that if this happened to me, all I would want is out, as soon as possible. The person I thought I married did not exist, because I would never marry someone who would blatantly lie to me, manipulate me, etc.

But the whole story sounds hard to believe. Seems like there are plenty of single fundy men out there looking for a wife, so why bother with the whole charade? Although the fundy men I've seen (in photos) are generally a lackluster bunch, on the pasty side and not very attractive. So maybe a somewhat unbalanced fundy girl might see a cute guy, decide he's the one for her, and pretends to be just right for him? I guess anything is possible.

Bolding mine. If true, it might be something like this. It seems like if she was anxious to get married and have kids, she would have no problem finding some fundy guy, unless, she found them totally uninteresting and unattractive but somehow, somehow always had a hankering for those cuter guys out there.

Also if this happened to me, I would be out, no questions asked. Get your lawyer, I'll get mine and we sort out what little we have after six months and move on.

[doggie]

may be the forbidden fruit attraction thing going on.

[Full enough quiver]

If shes 30, she's too old for a fundie guy, so it was either become a Sarah Maxwell, or find a heathen to convert. I could totally see miss Raquel doing that. She's too worldly for a fundie guy, so she'll trap an unsuspecting heathen. Some guys are dumb enough to get taken in, but nice enough to stick around once the vows have been said. Poor guy.

[guidedbybobafett]

This sounds like it was done by someone who is a little bit less than knowledgeable about divorce. Did she think that as long as she snagged the guy it would be a legally binding contract forever and eventually she would get what she wants? Does she think divorce is so difficult that he wouldn't attempt it? Divorce isn't as hard as being forced to convert and having five children you didn't want.