NieNie needs therapy

[lilwriter85]

This is Nie's most recent blog entry about her last day in Europe. I feel bad for her and I know people can be cruel towards people who have been disfigured, but some of the things NieNie says are a bit disturbing like wanting to inflict violence on others. I think she needs therapy instead of trying to lay everything on her husband and kids.

nieniedialogues.com

We found a small little restaurant in the Latin district that satisfied my craving just fine. After, we found the oldest bakery in Paris and bought some macaroons for dessert.

One the way back Mr. Nielson and I sat in the metro while in the background a man played a sad tune on his accordion. I sat across from a man who couldn’t keep his eyes off of me-

and not in the sense that sounds nice. He continually stared and whispered to his buddies smiling and snickering. I was this close to slapping his face. Seriously.

This type of behavior had gone on my whole trip, and I was SO sick of it.

It’s so humiliating and exhausting. I get so tired of the gawkers; one guy getting a look at me, and then tapping his friend to show him and then they point, and then come the laughs-or the words.

I was so tired of feeling ugly.

At first I put up with it. I’d smile and act confident, then after that, I’d try and pretend I didn’t know people were looking at me. When that didn’t work I became hard and rude deciding to stare right back at them and once I even asked a couple of teenagers what they were looking at.

Mr. Nielson was shocked at my act, but I was furious and something inside me snapped.

With tears dripping down on Mr. Nielson's jacket that night I realized that when I am with my children I feel most strong and secure, and I feel brave.

So on that train, I sobbed for my babies who give me that confidence.

I sobbed for home where I feel comfortable. I am so thankful for the opportunity I had traveling with family and my husband, swimming the Baltic, and touching the same churches that ancestors touched and attended.

But I was never happier when I saw the faces of my children smiling and excited to see me- their mommy with scars {which I think, they don’t even see anymore}.

You should have seen Charlotte when her eyes connected with mine after 12 looong days.

It was the most beautiful thing I saw that entire trip.

Edited to fix quote.

[singsingsing]

If someone were treating me like that, I would want to slap them, too...

[Patsy]

I don't find her reaction disturbing.

[rward]

How long has she been this way? Years, right? She needs help, and not the "lock myself in my house with my kids" kind of help.

My husband has a client that was burned as badly (and visibly) as NieNie as a small child. So he didn't even have the perspective and self confidence that should come with adulthood to help him. You know what he does when people look a little too long? He smiles and says, "School fire when I was a kid. Got me a big ole' settlement!"

I think the difference between the two of them is that NieNie is, and always has been, unintelligent, materialistic and shallow. Appearances are everything to her, so she cannot get over losing her looks. This client is smart, talented, funny and so has things to be proud of besides a pretty face.

[lilwriter85]

I can understand her anger at being upset with people staring and laughing. But wishing violence on others might not help her and she has a previous posting from several months back where she was happy that her son tackled a classmate who said that NieNie looked funny. She took glee in the fact that her son wasn't caught or seen by his teacher.

[deborahlynn1979]

Eh, I'll give her a pass on this one, even though I *do* think she and her family could use some therapy for various issues relating to the accident. I would imagine most of us have said "I wanted to kill him" or "I could have punched her in the face" at some time or another, without REALLY meaning it. This doesn't seem any different or more alarming.

[rward]

This is appropriate here. It's an essay written by a woman seriously scarred on her face by cystic acne.

My friends and family acclimated to the new look and soon overlooked it entirely. More importantly, my soul was still the same, my heart was still the same, and my compassion for others grew five times its normal size.

I learned that my outer body was a shell that was vulnerable, so I tied self-esteem to that potential pearl within. My acne acted as my irritant, and I began to spin a life around it.

I think, in a way, we display out own prejudices by giving NieNie a pass here. As if losing one's looks is the worst possible fate, so we allow her any behavior or reaction without criticism, including encouraging her children to violence in defending her.

What happened to NieNie is terrible, beyond imagining even, but it doesn't give her a pass to do or say anything at all. NieNie, over and over and over, puts her loss of looks forward as the worst thing that happened to her, which I find mind boggling, because I live in chronic pain and she does, too. She acts as if the pain, which must be unreal, is nothing compared to not being the prettiest girl at the ball anymore. Either she's getting way better drugs than I do, or she's so shallow she just doesn't care about anything but her looks.

[Claddagh]

I can understand why NieNie would be upset. No one likes being stared at or made fun of.

However, she definately needs to get help.

My husband has a client that was burned as badly (and visibly) as NieNie as a small child. So he didn't even have the perspective and self confidence that should come with adulthood to help him. You know what he does when people look a little too long? He smiles and says, "School fire when I was a kid. Got me a big ole' settlement!"

I think the difference between the two of them is that NieNie is, and always has been, unintelligent, materialistic and shallow. Appearances are everything to her, so she cannot get over losing her looks. This client is smart, talented, funny and so has things to be proud of besides a pretty face.

I've noticed that, too, with her being obsessed with her looks.

Brother Claddagh was born with some severe facial deformities that required reconstructive surgery. He has a lot of scar tissue on the left side of his face. At first, growing up, he was very self concious about it and always felt humilitated when people stared. Our parents were always supportive and he went out and got the appropriate help. Now when people stare at him he just grins at them until they look away.

[lilwriter85]

This might sound bitchy of me, but from the pre-crash photos I've seen of NieNie, I don't think she was extremely attractive. There was a photo on her blog a year or two before the crash with her sisters and there was a caption that read something like, "Me, Paige, and Lucy are the beautiful sisters". Courtney was also in the same picture. I think Courtney is attractive and prettier than pre crash Nie.

[DistantStar]

Being stared at or made fun of because of one's appearance (as in her burns, or my dwarfism) can be extremely distressing. She gets a pass from me on this one. People can be awful. I expect it's worse for her as it isn't something she's had all her life.

I think there is a huge psychological gap between people who are born with something, and those who acquire it somewhere along the way. I've noticed this in online discussions concerning disability elsewhere. I would be careful about comparing others (who've always been different for whatever reason) experience to hers. I never had to go through a sudden "OMG I'm not NORMAL anymore!" experience. It was more a matter of growing up knowing that, sometimes far too well, but I've come to a lot of peace with it as an adult. It was much more gradual. Maybe NieNie will get to a better place emotionally in another decade or two as well. I sure hope so.

[OkToBeTakei]

I really find it hard to imagine the pain she has suffered. She really struggles as I think any woman would with such a disfiguring accident. I do recall not long after the accident that therapies including counselling ran out via insurance (if memory serves and it may not.) Wether it might have brought her healthier coping mechanisms than those which she employs now is unknown, I suppose. But where I do believe counselling would have helped is the fact that she appears quite unaware of the burden she lays at the feet of her children not to ever be anything less than acceptable of the traumatic change to their lives this also has had. I really think they will definitely require help in the future which she may struggle to accept :(

On a totally different note. Nie may take comfort from the fact that actually the first thing I tend to look at is what she is wearing most times. Whilst I quite like some of her 'look' and actually have some similar clothing I find at times she tries too hard with 'colour blocking' and classy shabby chic. Some shapes and colours do not look well on her and I think at times she may shop label instead of look. Some stares she may get may indeed be attributed to that? I realise she gets comfort from fashion, so fair play to her. I once saw a photo of her wearing sweats and a tee-shirt hair swept up. She actually looked natural and happy and that I noticed before her scars.

Just my thoughts.

[lilwriter85]

I really find it hard to imagine the pain she has suffered. She really struggles as I think any woman would with such a disfiguring accident. I do recall not long after the accident that therapies including counselling ran out via insurance (if memory serves and it may not.) Wether it might have brought her healthier coping mechanisms than those which she employs now is unknown, I suppose. But where I do believe counselling would have helped is the fact that she appears quite unaware of the burden she lays at the feet of her children not to ever be anything less than acceptable of the traumatic change to their lives this also has had. I really think they will definitely require help in the future which she may struggle to accept :(

On a totally different note. Nie may take comfort from the fact that actually the first thing I tend to look at is what she is wearing most times. Whilst I quite like some of her 'look' and actually have some similar clothing I find at times she tries too hard with 'colour blocking' and classy shabby chic. Some shapes and colours do not look well on her and I think at times she may shop label instead of look. Some stares she may get may indeed be attributed to that? I realise she gets comfort from fashion, so fair play to her. I once saw a photo of her wearing sweats and a tee-shirt hair swept up. She actually looked natural and happy and that I noticed before her scars.

Just my thoughts.

I kind of agree with on the clothes she wears. Some of the stuff she wears is a bit out there and I can maybe see some people looking or laughing at her due to her clothing. I'm not saying that is ok. A few people on GOMI often make fun of what Stephanie and Christian wear. Christian's skinny jeans have been snarked on over there.

[Rachel333]

Yeah, she gets a pass from me too on this one. It would be incredibly tough to be in her situation.

I get stared at when I'm in public. It's not necessarily negative (though it can be), it's just that I really stick out and it does get hard. Just the other day I was grocery shopping and a lady was blatantly staring at me and whispering about me just feet away. I had to just walk away, but that really got to me more than usual.

[Peas n carrots]

I really find it hard to imagine the pain she has suffered. She really struggles as I think any woman would with such a disfiguring accident. I do recall not long after the accident that therapies including counselling ran out via insurance (if memory serves and it may not.) Wether it might have brought her healthier coping mechanisms than those which she employs now is unknown, I suppose. But where I do believe counselling would have helped is the fact that she appears quite unaware of the burden she lays at the feet of her children not to ever be anything less than acceptable of the traumatic change to their lives this also has had. I really think they will definitely require help in the future which she may struggle to accept :(

On a totally different note. Nie may take comfort from the fact that actually the first thing I tend to look at is what she is wearing most times. Whilst I quite like some of her 'look' and actually have some similar clothing I find at times she tries too hard with 'colour blocking' and classy shabby chic. Some shapes and colours do not look well on her and I think at times she may shop label instead of look. Some stares she may get may indeed be attributed to that? I realise she gets comfort from fashion, so fair play to her. I once saw a photo of her wearing sweats and a tee-shirt hair swept up. She actually looked natural and happy and that I noticed before her scars.

Just my thoughts.

Srsly, bolded. I worry more about the kids...she doesn't seem to realize that her children have suffered too, but in a very different way from Nie.

I can't throw rocks at a glass house on this one...it has to be extremely tough for her to be in public, much less in a place that is outside of her comfort zone and be stared and ridiculed. If she actually slapped someone I would say she needs help. I think it's very few people who haven't had one moment in their lives where you wish you could slap someone for being cruel to them. Her reaction seems pretty normal.

[punkiepie]

When a post like this comes from her, I usually think "not again," but something about this one didn't feel snark-worthy. In Provo, most people by now know her and her story, so the looks she receives there are probably fewer all the time. It was probably a shock to her, and a nasty reminder, of those early years right after the accident and how mean people can be. Sometimes I forget just how far she has come- if you look at the photo she posted on the one year anniversary of the accident and look at her now- it is like night and day. She looks SO much better now, and I'm sure she knows that and she feels better too. When a new person sees her for the first time, and doesn't know just how far she's come, all they are seeing is how disfigured she still is- it must be awful for her.

I get really annoyed when she doesn't cut small children some slack about how they respond to her, or that time a father asked her how she would like for him to explain what happened to her to his son and she flipped shit on him- that was terrible. But there is no excuse for grown ass adults to stare, point, whisper, and/or laugh at her. None. So for me, this time, she gets a pass.

[OkToBeTakei]

I kind of agree with on the clothes she wears. Some of the stuff she wears is a bit out there and I can maybe see some people looking or laughing at her due to her clothing. I'm not saying that is ok. A few people on GOMI often make fun of what Stephanie and Christian wear. Christian's skinny jeans have been snarked on over there.

I don't really get why they snark on his clothes. He would look bog standard like 80% of the population of blokes where I live.

[mockingbird]

Yeah, I don't think her reaction is anything out of the ordinary and I agree the "I wanted to slap him" comment probably doesn't really mean anything. I can also understand her being secretly glad her son stood up for her though I think the appropriate thing to do as a parent would probably be to reinforce that violence is wrong no matter what. I used to get comments on my looks all the time as a kid (less so now... I'm very petite and always looked very young for my age). It was really disheartening at times because even if it wasn't a *mean* comment it just placed too much focus on my looks instead of me/my personality. I wanted to be treated like everyone else. It's also really unnerving and creepy to be stared at!

I also agree with DistantStar there's a huge difference between having a disability or other problem you're born with (or even attain as a small child) and going through that change later in life. I know I've tried to join some online support groups for some of my medical problems and I just don't relate to a lot of the people, because a lot of what is scary, upsetting, or life-changing for them has always just been normal to me.

So yeah, I can understand why she's upset. I don't think going to therapy is a bad suggestion though. It might at least help her not to be so bothered every time this happens. I mean, I can understand why it's upsetting, but (even though it is wrong/unfair) people are probably going to continue staring at her or making comments, and learning some strategies for good responses or ways to let it roll off her back might make her a happier person or reduce her stress level. Comments about "you look so young" (or people thinking I'm 12) doesn't really bother me *that* much anymore because I am used to it, unless it's really bad (like the time I got very rudely ID'd when ordering *breakfast* because nobody my "age" has a credit card!!111!) or I'm caught off guard (it happened to me once when I showed a picture to an online friend... you couldn't see how tall I was, so I didn't think I looked any different in that picture). I usually laugh it off because it's often funny to watch people try to backtrack after I inform them I'm an adult/etc. I know if I got upset every time this happened, I'd be miserable. She might not be like someone who grew up getting attention for looking different who often naturally learns how to deal with it, but she might be able to reach some level of comfort/confidence by doing some work on how to respond in therapy. I also agree her kids would probably benefit from therapy.

[carolinaborn987]

I think she could definately use some more therapy to work through her feelings of "wanting to slap someone". I understand people stare when they see someone "different". I don't believe they point at her and whisper about her when they are pointing at her. That's her insecurities that she needs help with. People will look and maybe stare. I don't know how I would feel if I were her-but if I was close enough to the people staring I would hope I had the courage to say something like - I was in a plane crash or - I was burndt in a fire. They want to know why she is a bit disfigured? My thoughts.

I'm new here. What is that "your all going to hell" under my name and how do I get rid of it?

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[fundiefan]

I know this is going to make me sound very shallow, but I own it and know it. But, I'd probably stare at her (and her husband, too) in public. But, it wouldn't be because of her scars. I just looked at some of her pictures from this trip - I would totally be eye-bulging at her green shoes with black tights and her husband's red skinny jeans with a striped green shirt.

[Mind UR own uteress]

I'm chronically ill with a neuro disease and have had people stare at me. I once overheard a child asking their mom "what's wrong with that lady?" when i was walking past them. I can totally understand her frustrations. Some of it comes from not being able to escape the condition (in her case, she is permanently disfigured; in my case i have problems with balance, coordination, walking and look weird and/or intoxicated).

People can be cruel, and while each single instance may not get one down, the cumulative effects of getting it (the stares, comments, questions, raised eyebrows, etc) over and over, every day, etc can wear you down. She does not get that from her kids because they know her situation and are used to it, but complete strangers can be assholes without realizing their overall cumulative effect. :(

[DistantStar]

I don't believe they point at her and whisper about her when they are pointing at her. That's her insecurities that she needs help with.

You are sadly mistaken, and blaming her is unfair. People really do point and whisper, and I'm not talking children, but adults. She could use some coping skills for sure, but "insecurities" are not the problem here. Or, if they are, they are due to unfortunate experiences.

ETA: "You're Going to Hell" is a forum title for the first few posts you make, after that there's a whole series of them depending on how many posts you have total. Given the number of drive-bys we get just to tell us that, it makes sense.

[GiGi_41]

I've never looked at NieNie's blog before tonigh so I stopped over to see what all the ruckus was..

I think what I find more startling is her choice in clothing.

The green shoes are definitely green.

And the pants she was wearing at the beach...flowers with dots with green flowers...wow!

I understand being frustrated and saying things to blow off steam. I'll give her a pass on stares but man she needs a clothing intervention.

[bionicmlle]

To quote Dr. Phil (cough,cough... but it came to mind) "No child should be born with a job." That poor little Charlotte has a full-time one with mandatory over-time. Her kids seem to be the only buoys for her self-esteem. I wonder when she'll add another?

[punkiepie]

She does need a clothing intervention! Because she won't show her legs, she always wears thick tights or pants, which I'd imagine gets boring after awhile. I think her clothing choices reflect her need to feel like she's still an individual even though she has limited types of outfits that she'll wear. Unfortunately, some of outfits draw way more attention than even her burns. Too bad What Not to Wear ended, she would have been a great one to have on. Clinton would have had a field day with her in the 360 degree mirror!

[Closed Womb]

I'm sure it's tiresome to be stared at/gawked at/laughed at. It's unquestionably rude to stare/gawk/laugh. However, she expects people to be supernaturally unaware of her differences, including children. That's asking a little too much.

As much as she might want it to be this way, she is not going to be able to go through life with people not noticing her difference (barring some sort of widespread event that damages the skin of the masses). I think NieNie is a hurt collector who wears her persecution, real or imagined, like a badge.

That said, wanting to hit someone who was staring/laughing is a normal reaction.