Home is Where the Hurt is: a haunting blog

[shaylahc]

I only read the first few parts and was meh. I am with the pp who said she was abused growing up. I was, too. I have to say the mental abuse was far worse than the pain of the physical abuse. Bruises heal, but the words your parents tell you eat away at you forever. I will forever feel stupid, ugly, unwanted and unlovable. My mother was narcissist, and a cruel one at that. I haven't spoken to her in 7 years, and it's an incredible relief not to have that kind of "soul eating cancer" in my life anymore.

Huge ((((HUGS)))) to those who have suffered a similar fate.

[martian]

I don't talk about it because the few times I did, I was embarrassed and ashamed at my listener's horror. Yes, someone else's horror and sympathy makes me feel ashamed. When I disclosed to a counselor, getting a pat on the head, being urged to cry, compassionate comforting, all make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Not comforted. I don't have the desire to cry, but they think I should. Am I supposed to? - gulag

Me, too. In my case, I'm also really impatient with other people crying. Sometimes angered. I've been doing a lot of reading about attachment theory and parenting (such a weird concept for me - like reading sociology texts about the parenting practices of alien life forms) and what you're describing and I also experience fits the markers of a particular form of damaged attachment. I don't have the books handy or I'd give you a direct reference.

There's a pretty good age difference between my siblings and I, so I wonder if that's why some of us remember things the others don't. Also, I think it also was dependant on our personalities as well. - GodsKnickers

Patches of amnesia and dissociative symptoms are really common among childhood abuse survivors - it's a survival mechanism. A fact I only recently discovered applied to me. I actually have talked about my childhood so infrequently over the years that I had little basis of comparison to what normal people remember. Every now and then I'd be around friends or other family going on and on about kid hijinks and I'd feel sort of bemused about it, like, wow, so MANY stories, but I didn't really grasp how abnormal the long stretches of fog were in my own memories.

It's been disorienting figuring out that I escaped even less unscathed than I thought. Ignorance might really be a tiny bit more blissful. That "Home" blog was triggering as hell. If she didn't go through it herself, she knows an unholy amount about what it's like.

I can't believe this was the topic that brought me out of lurking.

[GodsKnickers]

Well I'm glad you came out of lurking. When you ever come across those books, I'd be very interested in getting the titles/authors from you, if you wouldn't mind terribly. Thanks for the insight on the amnesia/dissociative stuff - I appreciate that. Something for me to look into.

[martian]

I'd be happy to, GodsKnickers. I'm finding attachment theory, the research stuff, to be really eye opening but a bit of a kick in the gut at times. It's been, as I said, a bit disorienting and weirdly awkward feeling to see my personality described in lists of traits for a subtype of disordered attachment - even things that it never occured to me were problematic - but strangely freeing too, once I got to thinking about it. It gave me an unexpected, fresh perspective about myself.

[Evilbad]

My brothers were never treated as badly as I was; I was the stepchild, they were the beloved sons of a firstborn son and therefore golden.

I don't blame them for any of it, but it hurts for them to roll their eyes and tell me it wasn't THAT bad because they didn't receive the same as me. I have been ostracized for distancing myself and it hurts but it is what I have to do to keep my son away from it, it's a small price to pay.

[Vex]

I'm not convinced this is actually a true story, or at least an embellished account. I know that horrific abuse happens but something just seems a bit off to me, it reads more like a story to me than the accounts of abuse I've read about on nolongerquivering, books on religious child abuse or ex-CO$/Sea Org sites. I hope I'm right and that none of this ever happened.

[luv2run]

I seriously want to cry....and never raise my voice to my kids again.

Reading everyone else's story here makes me want to hug you all. I want to punch the crap out of that mother so badly, and the father. Ugh.

My parents are narcissistic for sure, and we used to get spanked with a paddle. My name was on one side, my sisters on the other. They would separate us and spank us in different rooms. I still remember listening to my sister scream and wanting to bust in there, grab the paddle from my dad, and hit him with it and see how he felt. It was always, 'this hurts me more than it hurts you'. I still hate that. But not as bad as it could have been I guess.

My parents were/are emotionally void of any love and emotion, and I swear did not like me. Even my husband noticed it after we got married. I have twin brothers who were born when I was nine. They are 27 now and can still do no wrong. I got into a lot of trouble in high school, and ended up getting pregnant senior year. My dad basically told me I was an unfit mother and that he and my mom were going to sue for full custody of the child. I told them no way, and had an abortion. They kicked me out (they had actually just converted to Catholicism), and it's just a lot of crap for years after that. When I did move back home, I was in psychotherapy. I was a mess. I remember my parents wanted me to pay rent, but I was paying the therapist. My dad said, 'Have you thought about just getting better and paying your rent instead?' My therapist hated them.

Anyway, not the same as others here...but, my heart goes out to you. It makes me want to run to social services and take one of those kids who are being abused and let them live here. Lots of love, warm bed, good food... *sigh*

[Marianne]

Is there any history of alcohol or drugs in this story ? I can't stand when there is. Before I know, I don't dare read. Thank you.

[MysteryHaggis]

Is there any history of alcohol or drugs in this story ? I can't stand when there is. Before I know, I don't dare read. Thank you.

Not so far (7 parts of 10 done). :smile:

[martian]

My parents were/are emotionally void of any love and emotion, and I swear did not like me. Even my husband noticed it after we got married. {snip}

Anyway, not the same as others here...but, my heart goes out to you. It makes me want to run to social services and take one of those kids who are being abused and let them live here. Lots of love, warm bed, good food... *sigh* - luv2run

Just so you know, it's incredibly awful not to be even liked by the people who are supposed to love you no matter what. Emotional abuse can be just as or even more devastating than physical abuse. You deserve all the hugs in the world if you want them. Minimizing is a reflex they build into us young. Or maybe it's just a way to survive and feel somewhat normal for us - I don't know.

I feel like a monster if I even speak sharply to my kids. It's hard to work things out for yourself from scratch. I hope they can't tell. That's like my life life goal right there - making it so nobody can tell. Passing.

[DuggarsTheEndIsNear]

I read all the way to part 7, which is the latest added. I have one problem with believing this. Her mom has a 4th child, Henry, before being diagnosed with a thyroid issue. After part 1, Henry is never seen or heard from again. "Mary" was somewhere around 4 or 5 when Henry was born based on the babysitter. So, when Mary was 9, Henry should have been 4 or 5. So, why are Abby, Mary, and John the only ones in the story?

[ILoveJellybeans]

Henry is mentioned in one of the other parts, about the "drills" and how he and John didnt get their rooms clean in time.

But Ive heard that sometimes in abusive families, some of the children get more beatings than others, and some are more favoured by the parents and get less.

Hopefully it isnt true though, cause no child should ever have to go through that

[DuggarsTheEndIsNear]

Henry is mentioned in one of the other parts, about the "drills" and how he and John didnt get their rooms clean in time.

But Ive heard that sometimes in abusive families, some of the children get more beatings than others, and some are more favoured by the parents and get less.

Hopefully it isnt true though, cause no child should ever have to go through that

I must have missed that one. But it seems to me that if 1 of 4 werent being abused, there would be some strong resentment on the part of the abused children towards the favored child. Even if they dont wish that any of them were abused, those feelings would still exist (just as they do whenever a child suspects any type of favoritism). Its seems strange that that topic wouldn't be touched on.

[salsa]

Is there any history of alcohol or drugs in this story ? I can't stand when there is. Before I know, I don't dare read. Thank you.

I've wondered about the mother's "headaches," myself. They sound like sleeping-it-off to me. When a person drinks all day, they often need to take "naps" because they "didn't sleep well." There are all kinds of ways to drink without people knowing - especially children. Although it's possible that her thyroid disease was not treated properly.

There's something I can't really put my finger on that makes me question the story's veracity. The baby is never mentioned, for one, and it's extreme even by the most sadistic standards. There's a Dave Pelzer ring to it. Graphic enough for those who, for whatever reason, like hearing about people being hurt.

The rape dream is odd, but understandable. There is some kind of cross-over of sexual desire and abuse for developing teens. I felt it, myself, craving a whipping almost as if I wanted it (which I didn't then and don't now), but there was an odd sort of wishing for it even though I hated it.

On the other hand, children are often singled out as either the "good" kid or the "bad" kid. When Dave Pelzer was removed by children's services, his oldest brother became the target. Or, conversely, it's possible to have a group of abused kids and one who's prized and pampered. That may be why we haven't heard about baby Henry; he may have been in the background and only the older 3 were targets. .... 'twill be interesting if he reenters the storyline.

[martian]

There's a fifth child mentioned in the latest installment. Hope. The writer is very protective of her younger sister. It wouldn't be surprising if she was similarly protective towards the other littles rather than resentful. She seems to have more expressed ambivalence or hostility towards her older brother. And my impression was that Henry was punished, too.

To be clear, I'm not arguing for the absolute truth of her story. I've been disturbed by her willingness to be so explicit about her sexual awakening. How distorted it is by her trauma rings completely true to me, though. It's just astounding to me that she'd willingly share it - it feels almost exploitative. If none of it's factually true - as in, her own experiences - I'd like to know where she got her insight into the emotional truths she's writing. And there isn't any incident that stands out to me as unbelievable, but I'm biased. Her openness is the only thing that gives me pause, not what she's recounting.

[salsa]

I must have missed that one. But it seems to me that if 1 of 4 werent being abused, there would be some strong resentment on the part of the abused children towards the favored child. Even if they dont wish that any of them were abused, those feelings would still exist (just as they do whenever a child suspects any type of favoritism). Its seems strange that that topic wouldn't be touched on.

Yes, it does seem strange. Also no mention of his death, if somehow he died. Maybe he's just in the background of their experience. Still, with all the focus the parents have on those 3, who was taking care of the little one?

The whole arbitrariness to the regime indicates a serious mental illness or substance abuse. School isn't important during the day; they have to have drills and chores and stand in the corner, and then all of a sudden at 10 o'clock at night, school is so paramount that they are required to do a ton of work and not sleep. ... it's whatever the sick mind lights on at the time.

[salsa]

Came back to say that I think she was abused, but there is an element to the story that gives me pause and I think I figured it out.

Even the most abusive parents are nice sometimes. It's what makes abuse so confusing; life is horrible and these people are horrible to you and then they are nice to you or give you treats and it makes you feel positively serene. Maybe her parents really were all bad all the time. She expresses anger and hatred and that's good. She hasn't expressed confusion.

[polabear]

I just read up to part 7, and I recognize so much from my childhood. WE weren't home schooled (thank god), or even paddled that often. But, the yelling. The constant, constant yelling. The being forced to spend hours in a corner over tiny infractions. The completely unreasonable expectations. I could never sweep the floor correctly either. We'd have to sit around the table on weekends and listen to our mother scream at us. The "if you loved me, you'd do things correctly" talks. The refusing to cry or show pain, because at least that was something I could hold back. I even ran away when I was small, like the the author.

Luckily, my mom worked full time an we went to school, so it wasn't non stop. There were natural breaks, and we weren't starved. We were often forced to eat things that no one liked (canned spinach, for example, or liver).

Did nice things happen? Probably, but I don't remember them. I just remember hating my mother and counting the days until I could leave. I swore I'd never have kids until I didn't yell and lose my temper. I don't have kids.

[martian]

She did mention them being nice to her on her birthday in one of the earlier installments - I can't go back and look for it, sorry. It was after a day of abuse, but still. They gave her a gift and a card they made themselves, and she said it made her feel happy and like she loved them.

From the personal possessions mentioned during the bonfire scene, it seemed to me that there must have been days where they saw family, celebrated events. John almost had the BB gun he'd been given for his birthday put on the fire. So birthdays were celebrated.

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I actually felt a twinge almost of jealousy over the bathtub scene where the sisters played in the tub with their Barbies. Like, you got to take baths and you had Barbies? That doesn't sound so bad. Goddamn does that ever look pathetic when I write it out. And for reals, my childhood was not this gothic. Just...stuff.

You know, I really only registered for Free Jinger the minute registration reopened so I could get back to obsessively following the Sparkling Adventures thread.

[polabear]

She did mention them being nice to her on her birthday in one of the earlier installments - I can't go back and look for it, sorry. It was after a day of abuse, but still. They gave her a gift and a card they made themselves, and she said it made her feel happy and like she loved them.

From the personal possessions mentioned during the bonfire scene, it seemed to me that there must have been days where they saw family, celebrated events. John almost had the BB gun he'd been given for his birthday put on the fire. So birthdays were celebrated.

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I actually felt a twinge almost of jealousy over the bathtub scene where the sisters played in the tub with their Barbies. Like, you got to take baths and you had Barbies? That doesn't sound so bad. Goddamn does that ever look pathetic when I write it out. And for reals, my childhood was not this gothic. Just...stuff.

You know, I really only registered for Free Jinger the minute registration reopened so I could get back to obsessively following the Sparkling Adventures thread.

I was jealous over that part too. My sister and I spent most of our childhood at odds at each other. She was mad I couldn't do things right, and I was mad that it seemed like she'd purposefully poke at our mom to make her madder. Then we had stepbrothers, and that was its own shit show. Plus, I'm a screamer like my mom (and her mom, and her mom's mom, from all accounts), so when my mom wasn't yelling, I was often yelling too. :(

[ILoveJellybeans]

There's a fifth child mentioned in the latest installment. Hope. The writer is very protective of her younger sister. It wouldn't be surprising if she was similarly protective towards the other littles rather than resentful. She seems to have more expressed ambivalence or hostility towards her older brother. And my impression was that Henry was punished, too.

To be clear, I'm not arguing for the absolute truth of her story. I've been disturbed by her willingness to be so explicit about her sexual awakening. How distorted it is by her trauma rings completely true to me, though. It's just astounding to me that she'd willingly share it - it feels almost exploitative. If none of it's factually true - as in, her own experiences - I'd like to know where she got her insight into the emotional truths she's writing. And there isn't any incident that stands out to me as unbelievable, but I'm biased. Her openness is the only thing that gives me pause, not what she's recounting.

I always presumed Hope was Abby's real name, cause she changed the names for the story but could have accidentally slipped up for that one bit, as it would be strange if there was a fifth child who was never mentioned before.

[salex]

I get the feeling these pieces are almost lifted from a longer journal like piece, that might be more.

While I hope that this isn't true, or is representative, I also recognize that this and worse happen to kids all the time. Last summer in our area 2 children were found locked in closets and starved almost to death, later another older teen was found chained in a basement. Kids end up dead at their parents and step parents hands and we hear about these--usually, but--all that would really be required is to move often enough and no one in the new place would know how many kids you had last month. I believe more abuse goes on than we can guess.

My sister and I occasionally get together to wonder at how really good we had it as kids, compared to the stories we hear about (mostly emotional) abuse from friends, coworkers and aquaintances. I have heard a few things when I was younger that I questioned, but now, I take most memories at face value.

[martian]

Maybe you're right Jellybeans. I'd assumed that another child had been born in the span of years that is going by and that Hope was a toddler not yet involved much in the drama.

I was jealous over that part too. My sister and I spent most of our childhood at odds at each other. She was mad I couldn't do things right, and I was mad that it seemed like she'd purposefully poke at our mom to make her madder. Then we had stepbrothers, and that was its own shit show. Plus, I'm a screamer like my mom (and her mom, and her mom's mom, from all accounts), so when my mom wasn't yelling, I was often yelling too. :( - polabear

We each of us did the best we could, right? I shudder thinking back on some of the things I did and said to my sister. Mean as a snake, I could be. My sister and I chose diametrically opposed ways of coping. I went the stoic little soldier of the resistance route and she seemed to me to be a snivelly weasel of a collaborator. She said I was a robot and that I had no feelings. As an adult, I can see clearly that yielding and appeasing was a perfectly rational way to survive and there's nothing morally wrong with a little kid just doing what she needs to do, but, still, the damage to our relationship has been lasting. I think we'll never be actually close.

[VaSportsMom]

I always presumed Hope was Abby's real name, cause she changed the names for the story but could have accidentally slipped up for that one bit, as it would be strange if there was a fifth child who was never mentioned before.

In part 4 her, Abby & John are standing in the corner and she says "Mom left the room for a minute to go check on the little ones eating their lunch" so I assume that Henry & Hope are the "little ones".

But please, please, please say this story isn't real. It is so horrific that I can't even imagine how the writer survived it.

[fundiefun]

This is the fundie version of A Child Called It with religion thrown in.