Doug Phillips tells us how to...

[NurseNell]

How to Watch a Movie As a Family

1. Gather family

2. Sit on couch

3. Hit play

4. Stay awake

I don't see how you could make that anymore complicated

The popcorn, when do you make the popcorn?

[Minerva]

The popcorn, when do you make the popcorn?

Popcorn-making is women's work, and therefore not of concern to Doug Phillips is a tool.

[RosyDaisy]

He left out "How to be a tool"

[Guest Anonymous]

He left out "How to be a tool"

S-s-s-h-h, he thinks we don't already know.

[NjoyingNsanity]

With how dumb he seems to think his readers are I'm surprised he doesn't have lessons on how to walk and chew gum at the same time.

[Mountain Girl]

Decorations teach character? Here I was just putting aesthetically pleasing things and nostalgic photos on my walls.

[blisterine]

I think we need the following additions to the list of things Dougie is going to tell us how to do...

How to Navigate Traffic In Seattle

How to Keep Calm In The Face of Zombie Apocalypse

How to Trip Your Friend With An Orange Peel

How to Vomit Discreetly At The Dinner Table

How to Arrange A Sacrifice Party

How to Get Drool Stains Out of a Pillow

How to Blend In At A Redneck Wedding

How to Pin Your Cable Theft on Your Neighbour

How to Catch Diseases From An Alpaca

and How to Profit From Writing Completely Useless Articles

don't forget...

How to Peel a Banana Without Using Your Hands

[blisterine]

The popcorn, when do you make the popcorn?

do we dress up like rich fictional characters from the movie before or after we make the popcorn?

if the movie is bambi, who gets to pantomine shooting his mother? safari clothing NOT optional!

this just illustrates why this instruction is so important!

[NjoyingNsanity]

How to Organize Your Home to Promote Family Unity Teach kids to clean up after themselves so that mom doesn't go postal after cleaning up everyone's mess all day long.

How to Cultivate a Love of Reading with Your Children Read to them and let them see you reading. Buy books that engage their imagination don't just force them to read the Bible 24/7.

How to Make Mealtime Meaningful Talk to each other, and get everyone involved with meal preparation not just your helpmeet and SAHD slaves.

How to Prepare for a Year of Home Education Find books and educational materiasl that are either close to what your local school system is teaching, or here's an idea save yourself the trouble and send them to school.

How to Take Children Safely Through an Airport Most people of normal intelligence with minimal parenting skills can figure this one out on thier own the Duggars however could use a few lessons.

How to Involve the Whole Family in Family Worship Even the littlest kids can learn to say "Hail Satan" no seriously encourage your kids to sing or if they have the interest play an instrument. Try not to threaten them with physical harm when your teenagers can't make it through a congregational singing of "He Touched Me" without snickering.

How to Address the Plague of “Jive Talk†in Your Home Sorry can't help you here I was just a wee baby in the late 1970's, and like most people I'm no longer living in that decade.

How to Encourage Masculinity in Sons How about just letting them be themselves?

How to Encourage Femininity in Daughters Ditto of course I'm raising my daughters to be feminists so....

How to Handle a Social Worker Visit How about not beating the shit out of your kids. You could start this by throwing the Pearl's book into a nice roaring bonfire. If you are not neglectful or abusive this shouldn't be an issue.

How to Wage War on Sibling Rivalry It's annoying as Hell but normal behavior as long as no one needs a trip to the ER and one kid is not becoming a total bully let them sort out their differences themselves it teaches them social skills like cooperation and diplomacy. If they are really driving you nuts make them hug each other. Be forewarned they may try to kill each other with kindness of epic bear hug proportions.

How to Use Household Decorations to Teach Character I guess Dougie the Tool's house is full of those motivational posters that employers love to put up in offices.

How to Talk to Your Children about Miscarriage Well if you wait a few months instead of of announcing that you're knocked up again before the pee has dried on the stick you might not have to explain anything. If the worst does happen try be open and honest with any questions and allow everyone to grieve in their own way. Try to avoid having a mega funeral for a fetus that died before reaching the point of viability.

How to Involve the Whole Family in Hospitality Teach your kids common kindness and manners regardless of how they may differ from the person they are offering hospitality to.

How to Build an Entrepreneurial Spirit in Your Children Ever heard of a piggy bank and a lemonade stand. Let your special snowflakes participate in things like Girl or Boy Scouts believe me they will learn how to sell stuff.

How to Watch a Movie As a Family Really is sitting down and pressing play that hard for you Dougie?

How to Cultivate a Love of Meaningful Poetry with Your Children, and Why Doing So Is Important. Reading them something besides the Psalms would probably be helpful.

How to Prepare Your Children to Listen to a Symphony. Like this "This is Pachelbel's Canon in D or Mozart's Ode to Joy isn't it beautiful."

How to Take a Road Trip with Your Family Get in the minivan or in your case commercial bus make sure headship doesn't drive off the road and kill you all while yelling at siblings in the back to stop trying to kill each other or to stop them from singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" for the 49th time since you left the driveway.

How to Select the Best Locations for Family Vacations Come on Dougie we all know the only vacations you're going to recommend is to one of your Bible camps, conferences or manly men retreats to not quite as dangerous as you make them out to be places.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Seriously??? How to watch a movie with your family is something he is creating an article about?? What is so hard about finding a movie suitable for the whole family, putting the TV on, putting the DVD in the DVD player...

And how to handle a social worker visit? Does this happen that often with fundies? How about "Do not beat your kids and you wouldnt have to worry about that"

[Minerva]

Decorations teach character? Here I was just putting aesthetically pleasing things and nostalgic photos on my walls.

So...propaganda posters, then? I really don't see how else home decor can teach kids stuff.

Doug Phillips is a tool.

[Mountain Girl]

Maybe we're supposed to be draping Confederate flags over the furniture? Oh, and be sure to avoid evil Catholic art.

[NjoyingNsanity]

How to Cultivate a Love of Meaningful Poetry with Your Children, and Why Doing So Is Important. With Meaningful poetry that hold deep truths about life like this one. Roses are red, Violets are blue, Hammers are tools, and Doug is one too.

[Mountain Girl]

He doesn't seem to understand that children are people, not robots. You can "cultivate" things in them when they're young and provide every opportunity for them to learn and experience things like books, music, sports, or whatever else. They will still grow up and develop their own likes and dislikes. I get the feeling he also "cultivates" guilt in his children if they express dislike for the things he wants them to do.

[AnnieC 305]

How the Maltheist family does it/will do it/did it in the past

How to Organize Your Home to Promote Family Unity - Put up the card table in the corner for board games/puzzles, leave enough room on one end of the living room for toys.

How to Cultivate a Love of Reading with Your Children - Read. Read to them and around them from day 1. Also, own a lot of books, many more than will fit on one shelf (glares at Candy) Also, library visits and audiobooks.

How to Make Mealtime Meaningful - "So, what did St. Maddow have to say today?"

How to Prepare for a Year of Home Education - The same way you would prepare for a year of public school education, only without the Christian harassment.

How to Take Children Safely Through an Airport - F**k the TSA, take a train.

How to Involve the Whole Family in Family Worship - F**k that s**t

How to Address the Plague of “Jive Talk†in Your Home - If this means ghetto/rap talk, whatever it's called, take the spray bottle of water used to train cats and apply liberally every time you hear that c**p. If this means cursing, start with Mom and Dad.

How to Encourage Masculinity in Sons - Don't, they'll figure it out. Then love them as they are.

How to Encourage Femininity in Daughters - Don't, they'll figure it out. Then love them as they are.

How to Handle a Social Worker Visit - Offer coffee.

How to Wage War on Sibling Rivalry - See above, re spray bottle. (It works when the cats fight)

How to Use Household Decorations to Teach Character - I thought that was the parent's job.

How to Talk to Your Children about Miscarriage - The same way you teach them about death

How to Involve the Whole Family in Hospitality - See above, re spray bottle.

How to Build an Entrepreneurial Spirit in Your Children - Teach them that they can do whatever they want to do, even the girls

How to Watch a Movie As a Family - With popcorn

How to Cultivate a Love of Meaningful Poetry with Your Children, and Why Doing So Is Important - We're not big poetry fans. Literature on the other hand....

How to Prepare Your Children to Listen to a Symphony - Take them to one. Also to lots of other live music. Let them develop their own favorites.

How to Take a Road Trip with Your Family - See attached, pages 2-8

How to Select the Best Locations for Family Vacations - See attached, pages 2-8 (Also, Mom tends to over pack and over plan)

[hoipolloi]

The ridiculous list of how-to crap & making a $ off it is nothing new for Doug Phillips Is A Tool. He knows that the simpletons who make up his followers are too stupid to think for themselves but would spend their last dimes to pay Dougie for instructions on how to do anything.

What floored me also was the huge ode to Michael Billings. WTF is up with that? Hey, Dougie - you left your closet door open.

Obama Electoral College Doug Phillips Is A Tool Romney Florida Vote

[Mango]

I'm looking for the crazy christain guy that tells you just how to do that. Give me a few days and you all will have a whole new level of crazy to see.

Maybe that's a thing for the Poopin' Preacher?

[jan9206]

DOUG PHILLIPS IS A TOOL!

[lilith]

Miscarriage wouldnt be such a big part of their kids lives if their mothers didn't keep trying to have babies past their mid forties and after a dozen children.

Most people I know got through their childhood without having to think about miscarriages. It's not the sort of thing every family needs to prepare their children for, and if they didn't announce their pregnancies the second the wee was dry on the stick then tell their children that their new sibling had died when the pregnancy didn't continue it would be much more simple.

[FaustianSlip]

This was my favorite.

"Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don't want no help, chump don't get no help!"

[TheSassyOne]

Gawds, I listened to 23 minutes before he started talking about "jive talking".

Go to 23:25. http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/gene ... 42579.html

I just hit "play". But you can listen to podcast or mp3 versions.

Dang, the Disney Channel and the Wizards of Waverly Place are part of jive talking and leads to a lost of respect. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. He also said others had to tell him there's another connotation to jive talking. :roll:

[lilith]

Gawds, I listened to 23 minutes before he started talking about "jive talking".

Go to 23:25. http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/gene ... 42579.html

I just hit "play". But you can listen to podcast or mp3 versions.

Dang, the Disney Channel and the Wizards of Waverly Place are part of jive talking and leads to a lost of respect. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. He also said others had to tell him there's another connotation to jive talking. :roll:

The sickly sweet, sanitised beyond all belief disney channel that makes even nickelodeon look edgy? Really?

[Dark Matters]

Now I have the Bee Gees running through my head.

[Anxious Girl]

Here are some additional tips, Tooly Tool:

Let your kids express themselves, and don't make them feel bad/guilty/punish them for liking/supporting different ideals tastes than you do. Kids aren't mindless robots.

Don't interrogate your kids with the prayer closet. Believe it or not, if you don't ask them every hour of the day if they're hiding something from you, they might actually want to talk to you about what they like, what you like, their insecurities and such. Then this list of How to Spend Time With Your Kids While There is no Cultish Events isn't necessary.

Accept your kids' differences. If they want to, le gasp * :o * date somebody who's a different race than them, a different religion than them, the same sex, or doesn't want to do courtship or incestual purity balls, accept that. Kids aren't puppets that you can stuff beliefs into and just expect them to spiritually agree and listen to your beliefs 24/7.

Give your kids a good education. By good, I mean non-indoctrinated. While some kids accept religious education, (I went to CCD once a week) indoctrination every single minute of every single hour of every single day is not healthy and it just makes kids feel inferior if they're told that "normal" is totally "unormal to God" to the point that they can't do anything without asking you if that's what God thinks is appropriate/normal. It might be a surprise to you that not all of your kids like religious education; if so, they're not rebelling, they just have different thoughts than. Surprising, right? Follow your state's curriculeum, (sp?) buy real history and science textbooks, not ABEKA. Teach your kids how to anaylze and use their critical thinking. Teach them to respect those who don't abide by your beliefs. If you can't teach them all of these subjects, hire a tutor. If not, send them to public schools. The majority of jobs today require people to have go to college. How can you expect your sons to be the breadwinners from their family, and pay for their insurence and taxes when they have a mediocor job?

Teach them that moral is subjective from culture to culture. Just because your brand of Christianity finds LGBT sex icky; doesn't mean that other Christians/religions do.

Let your daughters do what they want, and don't blame mens' actions on women. If men are so strong anyway, why do they need their wives to make sure they behave? If they can't control their behavior, then that's their problem, not a woman's, because she's not the one thinking that. Pretty hard concept, I know.

Not like you'll take this advice. After all, God Gothard knows best, amirite?

[DarkAnts]

How to Address the Plague of “Jive Talk†in Your Home

My housemates and I have mastered this one. We dont ask questions about each others sex lives unless we want the explicit answer. Thats why I continue to ignore the large spool of new red silk rope that is in the kitchen. I dont think I am old enough to know what its for :think: :lol: .