Orthodox Jewish College Email to Abuse Survivor

[dpndetfarm]

What ever happened to "I am so sorry, what can I/we do to help?" I mean she has a phd for cripes sake. I have only a masters and I know enough to respond appropriately. :angry-banghead: :angry-banghead:

As an aside, why do people respond that "you" weren't raped? Is it that technically you were not penetrated? Isn't that a little irrelevant since a minor cannot consent to anything? And it only happened a few times or it could have been worse? I am not able to wrap my head around any of these responses. I am so sorry that you all have had to go through both the initial abuse and then the verbal abuse on top of it.

[rward]

What ever happened to "I am so sorry, what can I/we do to help?" I mean she has a phd for cripes sake. I have only a masters and I know enough to respond appropriately. :angry-banghead: :angry-banghead:

As an aside, why do people respond that "you" weren't raped? Is it that technically you were not penetrated? Isn't that a little irrelevant since a minor cannot consent to anything? And it only happened a few times or it could have been worse? I am not able to wrap my head around any of these responses. I am so sorry that you all have had to go through both the initial abuse and then the verbal abuse on top of it.

I was told the constant bullying I endured for a decade wasn't bad because nobody hit me. But I'm sure if somebody hit me, it wouldn't be so bad because they only hit me once. If they hit me every day, hey, did you hear about that kid that got dragged behind a truck?

There's always something worse you can point to, which has jack all to do with any of these brave women's pain.

[dpndetfarm]

I was told the constant bullying I endured for a decade wasn't bad because nobody hit me. But I'm sure if somebody hit me, it wouldn't be so bad because they only hit me once. If they hit me every day, hey, did you hear about that kid that got dragged behind a truck?

There's always something worse you can point to, which has jack all to do with any of these brave women's pain.

Those people are thoughtless dickheads. They need to go to empathy school stat.

[2xx1xy1JD]

"Kaylie" is a wonderful human being. I am not at all sure I could forgive in this way and I hope the change they claim will take place will take place. I do still have issues with Dr. Shokp claiming that she shouldn't talk about such things because of modesty. Modesty is why, at age 7, she didn't have the words to say what had happened to her.

I agree. Modesty is about intentional behavior, not shaming.

The community needs to have a hard look at the ways in which certain ideas and practices can make children more vulnerable, and take active steps to protect them. Children need to be taught the right words for their body, and to be taught that nobody else has the right to do things to them. They need to be taught that it's ok to say no, to yell and fight back. They need to know who they can tell if someone does something to them, and that telling is not bad. They need to know that an adult should not be telling a child to keep anything a secret. The community needs to be very, very clear about the fact that silence breeds further abuse, and prevents healing.

[Full enough quiver]

How dare you, Esther Shkop! The contents of that student's Facebook page are, first of all, none of your damned business. And to say her admission of past sexual abuse not only dehumanizes her but “besmirch[es her] peers†because she openly admits to attending the HTC even while discussing her past victimization? The phrase, “You should be ashamed of yourself,†doesn't even do this justice.

You're just a fucking bitch, Shkop – and I pray to Almighty God you get a good earful of the scorn you deserve.

I'm lucky in that I never suffered sexual abuse as a child. If I had, the answer I would have gotten for sharing is that 'we don't talk about those things; it happens to many people; leave it alone.'

I thought the attitude was cultural. Turns out it just boils down to the fact some people are assholes.

About a year ago now, my mother – graduate of the same school of cultural stoicism that created a thing like me – made an admission that caused my blood to run cold. I fear to over-share anywhere, but especially on the internet, but perhaps it is time for anyone thus wronged to stand up and be counted. I wish I could do so under my usual name, but I do not have my mother's permission and my name here is tied to my actual name IRL.

I was borne of a sexual assault – one even US politicians would recognize as “legitimate†rape. My mother thought I would hate her; blame her. I told her I was glad she finally said this thing, so I could assure her it was not her fault – that the perpetrator has 100% of all the blame and none left to go around. In an odd way, it seemed to calm her and now she carries herself a bit differently – just a small fraction taller than she once did.

Was my birth merely a continuation of his crime, I wondered? My mother says no. But I don't wholly believe her. I cannot imagine she would ever say yes.

Look at what silence did to my mother; how it left her prey to a cruel man like the one she married merely because she thought she was damaged goods. And it impacted my life as well, long before I ever realized how or why.

I'm so sorry for what happened to your mother. I hate when politicians try to tell people how they should feel. Everyone handles a situation like that differently, and i wouldnt dream of judging anyone who felt they needed to have an abortion or place their child for adoption. One thing I can tell you is that in raising my daughter, I have never felt anything but love for her. I have never, ever looked at her and felt victimized again. When I look at her, I see beauty from ashes. Out of my pain came my greatest joy. My daughter saved me, and I am privileged to be her mother. I wouldn't be surprised if your mother felt the same.

[notablesquid]

What people don't get is that you do move on, get on with your life. But something inside you is broken, and all the therapy in the world won't fix it. You may seem ok, but something in your soul will never be ok again.

Exactly. I was drugged and raped on New Year's eve many years ago. I was told it was my fault and that it sounded like I was (and I do quote my doctor here): 'just being promiscuous.' A clergy member told me I shouldn't have gone out that night. A friend talked me out of reporting it to the police because we were regulars at the restaurant/bar it happened at and she didn't want the bar to get in trouble. So I shut it up and shut it down for over ten years. I gained enough weight to make sure no one could possibly find me attractive. I stopped dating. I became a recluse.

Eventually, I went to therapy and after months of back and forth, my therapist finally told me to stop talking and told me that I was dead, dead wrong and that what happened to me was rape and it wasn't my fault and even though I couldn't believe that, it was still true. It took me months after that to be able to say the words, "I was raped and it wasn't my fault." I'm deeply grateful for her patience and companionship or I don't know that I would have ever moved out of that self blaming mode.

It seems so obvious. I work with college students. I know shit happens on campus and that some of the students I know and love have been raped. If any of them told me my own story, there wouldn't be a moment's hesitation or an inch of disbelief. But because of the trauma, I was not able to see clearly and the people I thought I could trust (doctor, clergy, friends) all burned me, so I had to be the problem.

I am healing, I am not so broken anymore. But like a broken bone that sets differently, I'll never be the way I was. I will carry the effects with me forever, though they don't have to be so powerful anymore.

I never want someone to go through what I did in order to understand how their victim blaming can demoralize and wound someone so deeply.

But I do want survivors to be heard and trusted when we talk. I don't know how to make that happen this world anymore.

[AVENues]

Modesty and forgiveness are the two virtues that are so often twisted into "Don't tell" by many establishments trying their hardest not to have to acknowledge the abuse that goes on within their organisations. It is about time that those who spend their lives speaking on" behalf" of God acknowledge that loving and standing up for the vulnerable whatever the cost to themselves and their peers is absolutely at the heart of the belief systems that they shout so loudly about...

QFFT!