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Orthodox Jewish College Email to Abuse Survivor


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Ugh. I don't want to live on this planet anymore. Why can't victim-blaming dickbags just all live on their own island or something?

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....and this is why only my closest friends (and Internet strangers) know that I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

OOPS, ETA that I'm not blaming the woman who came out for doing so. Just that the horrible reactions have always made me too scared to speak out. I commend her for doing so.

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I think the more of us that"come out" about our past abuse, the more others will have the courage to do so. And the more it comes to light, the more we will realize that we have nothing to be ashamed of. The more support there is for people, the more likely they will be to report abuse, and stop it from happening to anyone else. So here goes: when I was a kid, I was abused be a relative from the age of 3-13. I didn't tell anyone because I thought it was my fault. When it stopped, in my messed up mind, I felt rejected. So I "seduced" my neighbor. Then, when I was 14, I snuck out to go to a party. I got drunk, and was raped. This is how I conceived my daughter, and I thank god every day for her. She saved me. Before I had her, I thought the only way anyone would love me was if I had sex with them. Because of what happened to me, I never protected myself. I never felt I was worth protecting. Many victims are victimized more than once, and I believe that this lack of self preservation could be the reason.

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I had to share this on FB. I mean, what the Absolute Fuck?

It's just proving the thing in the photo.

I'm a survivor. Most of my friends know. Most of my family don't.

I *want* to be more open, but when I tried at 18, to confront my abuser - my stepbrother - I was told by my dad and step-monster that I was obviously lying. Because nothing like that would happen in *our* family.

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I'm a survivor as well and I've gotten the "Well you weren't raped, so It doesn't count" by non-survivours and they wounder why I'm not more forthcoming.

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I guess theological seminary in this context = let's keep it all mystical and theoretical and fuck helping people. Is that teaching the students to handle abuse victims with compassion and love not taught at Hebrew Theological College? And that is a shame. And calling an abuse victim less than human? Seriously what the hell theology do these sick bastards teach? I am livid. Frankly this is inexcusable.

I got the you weren't raped and it doesn't count crap too. Like "just" being sexually assaulted is somehow making me into a slut? It.does.not. the bastard with a knife who slit the screen was still an evil bastard with a knife. That talk is a dealbreaker and I will walk away from "friends" who get that stuck on stupid. (((hugs))) to SA survivors.

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Her Ph.D. is in Public Policy Analysis, NOT in any sort of psychology.

Honestly, it sounds as though she listened to an unqualified pop lecture on "moving on" from abuse from someone with a similar lack of qualifications, and somehow twisted it into this garbage.

If she had stopped at a warning about oversharing online in general, that would be one thing. This, though, is just so supremely insensitive and hurtful and clueless. I'm sure we'll hear "I was misunderstood" or something like that, but you know what? You write the words, you own them. She is the dean. She is writing to a student - a young woman who has just disclosed sexual abuse and is undoubtedly vulnerable. This onus is on her to act like a human being. [To be fair, I don't think she meant that the student was less than human because she was abused, but that by calling herself a survivor of abuse she was defining herself by the abuse. It's still bullshit, but it is a line that I've seen before.]

While I hate to use this as a comparison....I found an old article of hers, where she freely talks about growing up with "survivors of the Holocaust". Would she ever suggest that it would be inappropriate for someone to identify themselves that way?

Off to write an email, if her server hasn't already crashed....

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Oh dear god.

What this comes down to is others being uncomfortable that such a thing would happen to someone they know, someone they might identify common similarities with, because that brings it closer to them.

This poor young woman has shown immense bravery, and by talking about her experience has taken a step closer to healing. Hiding these things to make life more palatable for others is not healthy, and talking about them is NOT inappropriate, or 'wallowing'.

Whilst I was not abused as a child, I was raped as a young woman and only narrowly avoided a complete mental breakdown. How did I avoid it? By talking about what happened to me and by trying to get the bastard put away for what he did. The case was dropped, but my sanity was saved by knowing I had done all I could to try and take a rapist out of the public, and by always remembering I said no. The support I received from my family, friends and the police was invaluable. I don't know if I would have got through it the same if my experience had been delegitimised in such a way.

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I'm a survivor as well and I've gotten the "Well you weren't raped, so It doesn't count" by non-survivours and they wounder why I'm not more forthcoming.

I'm another survivor who was told "Well, it only happened a couple of times, so it's not as bad" by my mom so it's no wonder I'm not so forthcoming. Only a small group of people know I'm a survivor, and I did spend time in therapy to deal with the effects of the abuse, which included ending up in an abusive marriage.

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I'm another survivor who was told "Well, it only happened a couple of times, so it's not as bad" by my mom so it's no wonder I'm not so forthcoming. Only a small group of people know I'm a survivor, and I did spend time in therapy to deal with the effects of the abuse, which included ending up in an abusive marriage.

Yup. One of my best friends literally said, "Well, it could have been worse."

My abuser was a family member whom everyone in the family idolized, and has since sainted (he passed away a few years ago). I myself still miss him and mourn him sometimes, which is a giant mindfuck for me. I haven't told because it would completely tear my family apart. I just can't do it.

ETA: I was also a victim of date rape while drunk. That is also a fun experience to share with people. "Well, it was just date rape." "Well, you WERE drunk." Etc. :x

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What people don't get is that you do move on, get on with your life. But something inside you is broken, and all the therapy in the world won't fix it. You may seem ok, but something in your soul will never be ok again.

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What people don't get is that you do move on, get on with your life. But something inside you is broken, and all the therapy in the world won't fix it. You may seem ok, but something in your soul will never be ok again.

QFT.

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How dare you, Esther Shkop! The contents of that student's Facebook page are, first of all, none of your damned business. And to say her admission of past sexual abuse not only dehumanizes her but “besmirch[es her] peers†because she openly admits to attending the HTC even while discussing her past victimization? The phrase, “You should be ashamed of yourself,†doesn't even do this justice.

You're just a fucking bitch, Shkop – and I pray to Almighty God you get a good earful of the scorn you deserve.

I'm lucky in that I never suffered sexual abuse as a child. If I had, the answer I would have gotten for sharing is that 'we don't talk about those things; it happens to many people; leave it alone.'

I thought the attitude was cultural. Turns out it just boils down to the fact some people are assholes.

About a year ago now, my mother – graduate of the same school of cultural stoicism that created a thing like me – made an admission that caused my blood to run cold. I fear to over-share anywhere, but especially on the internet, but perhaps it is time for anyone thus wronged to stand up and be counted. I wish I could do so under my usual name, but I do not have my mother's permission and my name here is tied to my actual name IRL.

I was borne of a sexual assault – one even US politicians would recognize as “legitimate†rape. My mother thought I would hate her; blame her. I told her I was glad she finally said this thing, so I could assure her it was not her fault – that the perpetrator has 100% of all the blame and none left to go around. In an odd way, it seemed to calm her and now she carries herself a bit differently – just a small fraction taller than she once did.

Was my birth merely a continuation of his crime, I wondered? My mother says no. But I don't wholly believe her. I cannot imagine she would ever say yes.

Look at what silence did to my mother; how it left her prey to a cruel man like the one she married merely because she thought she was damaged goods. And it impacted my life as well, long before I ever realized how or why.

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What people don't get is that you do move on, get on with your life. But something inside you is broken, and all the therapy in the world won't fix it. You may seem ok, but something in your soul will never be ok again.

THIS!

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I was appalled by the fact that this email was sent by a woman--and a Jew. One of my closest friends is Jewish, and I always associated Judaism with kindness and compassion.

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I was appalled by the fact that this email was sent by a woman--and a Jew. One of my closest friends is Jewish, and I always associated Judaism with kindness and compassion.

We're not really immune from dickishness. ;) Fundies are fundies. When Jewish fundies have power they do the same shit as any other fundies. See: Mea Shearim.

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I read that mail. Sickening. I have noticed in life, that if people complain about abuse, people turn their backs to them. They treat them like leper, and they empathize with the abuser. I don't know why. Such open nastiness is rare and seldom, people tend to give complainers the silent treatment. *That'll teach them.* I can't figure out why, why people are often on the abuser's side.

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I read that mail. Sickening. I have noticed in life, that if people complain about abuse, people turn their backs to them. They treat them like leper, and they empathize with the abuser. I don't know why. Such open nastiness is rare and seldom, people tend to give complainers the silent treatment. *That'll teach them.* I can't figure out why, why people are often on the abuser's side.

At least when it comes to childhood sexual abuse, I think people do this because the alternative would be to admit and confront something truly horrifying - that the family, where we like to think children are safest, is often the most dangerous place on earth.

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UPDATE:

The principal has issued an apology, which has been accepted by the student. Read the details at the link below:

http://dusiznies.blogspot.ca/2013/03/es ... d-sex.html

"Kaylie" is a wonderful human being. I am not at all sure I could forgive in this way and I hope the change they claim will take place will take place. I do still have issues with Dr. Shokp claiming that she shouldn't talk about such things because of modesty. Modesty is why, at age 7, she didn't have the words to say what had happened to her.

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Modesty and forgiveness are the two virtues that are so often twisted into "Don't tell" by many establishments trying their hardest not to have to acknowledge the abuse that goes on within their organisations. It is about time that those who spend their lives speaking on" behalf" of God acknowledge that loving and standing up for the vulnerable whatever the cost to themselves and their peers is absolutely at the heart of the belief systems that they shout so loudly about...

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"Kaylie" is a wonderful human being. I am not at all sure I could forgive in this way and I hope the change they claim will take place will take place. I do still have issues with Dr. Shokp claiming that she shouldn't talk about such things because of modesty. Modesty is why, at age 7, she didn't have the words to say what had happened to her.

I don't think she's forgiven her as such but accepted her apology. But I agree with you, "Kaylie" is one hell of a strong woman and wonderful human being.

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