If I Were the Devil

[SpeakNow]

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Nothing quite like flipping through the radio and stumbling on this (there was a Christian radio show discussing this clip).

If I were the Devil . . . I mean, if I were the Prince of Darkness, I would of course, want to engulf the whole earth in darkness. I would have a third of its real estate and four-fifths of its population, but I would not be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the tree, so I should set about however necessary to take over the United States.

I would begin with a campaign of whispers. With the wisdom of a serpent, I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve: "Do as you please." "Do as you please." To the young, I would whisper, "The Bible is a myth." I would convince them that man created God instead of the other way around. I would confide that what is bad is good, and what is good is "square". In the ears of the young marrieds, I would whisper that work is debasing, that cocktail parties are good for you. I would caution them not to be extreme in religion, in patriotism, in moral conduct. And the old, I would teach to pray. I would teach them to say after me: "Our Father, which art in Washington" . . .

If I were the Devil, I'd educate authors in how to make lurid literature exciting so that anything else would appear dull an uninteresting. I'd threaten T.V. with dirtier movies and vice versa. And then, if I were the devil, I'd get organized. I'd infiltrate unions and urge more loafing and less work, because idle hands usually work for me. I'd peddle narcotics to whom I could. I'd sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction. And I'd tranquilize the rest with pills.

If I were the Devil, I would encourage schools to refine yound intellects but neglect to discipline emotions . . . let those run wild. I would designate an athiest to front for me before the highest courts in the land and I would get preachers to say "she's right." With flattery and promises of power, I could get the courts to rule what I construe as against God and in favor of pornography, and thus, I would evict God from the courthouse, and then from the school house, and then from the houses of Congress and then, in His own churches I would substitute psychology for religion, and I would deify science because that way men would become smart enough to create super weapons, but not wise enough to control them.

If I were Satan, I'd make the symbol of Easter an egg, and the symbol of Christmas, a bottle.

If I were the Devil, I would take from those who have and I would give to those who wanted, until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious.

And then, my police state would force everybody back to work. Then, I could separate families, putting children in uniform, women in coal mines, and objectors in slave camps.

In other words, if I were Satan, I'd just keep on doing what he's doing.

Paul Harvey, Good Day.

Edited to add the transcript

[rock_girl]

If I were the Devil, I would take from those who have and I would give to those who wanted, until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious.

Because nothing says Satan's handiwork like seeing a struggling family gain access to affordable medical care or be able to put food on the table 3 meals a day, 7 days a week.

[linnea27]

If I were the Devil, I would take from those who have and I would give to those who wanted, until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious.

My mother in law sent us this link a while back, asking us to pay attention to a certain part, which turned out to be the above quote. I wanted to scream at her YOU ARE LIVING ON WELFARE. Where would you be right now if the government didn't "give to those who want it"?

[Dinorah]

Because nothing says Satan's handiwork like seeing a struggling family gain access to affordable medical care or be able to put food on the table 3 meals a day, 7 days a week.

, I seem to remember that the gospel's pretty clear about helping the poor and being wary of the rich... and I recall nothing about the importance of being ambitious. But maybe the Catholic bible's different, right.

[lawfulevil]

If I were the Devil . . . I mean, if I were the Prince of Darkness, I would of course, want to engulf the whole earth in darkness. I would have a third of its real estate and four-fifths of its population, but I would not be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the tree, so I should set about however necessary to take over the United States.

There are five kinds of people. People who can't read, people who don't read, people who read one book at a time, people who read multiple books at a time, and people who shouldn't.

Sir, put down the C.S. Lewis and Ayn Rand and back away slowly. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will definitely be used against you in the Court of Snark.

[JesusFightClub]

Nothing quite like flipping through the radio and stumbling on this (there was a Christian radio show discussing this clip).

Edited to add the transcript

As you point out, that is fucking shitty theology and worse politics. How do these guys get away with it?

As lawfulevil also pointed out so correctly, that's a fusion of Ayn Rand and CS Lewis. It also contains a hefty dose of paranoid fantasising. Putting children in uniform is called "going to school". It isn't creepy and hasn't been for the last hundred years. I wore a uniform to school my whole life and while I didn't always love it, it didn't ONOEZ CRUSH MY SPIRIT. Or make me hate my parents (that's called being a teenager, you get over it) or do anything else. It was a set of clothing you put on to attend a particular place. Does he have the same objection to business suits? Can I wear my t-shirt with a picture of Trotsky, a East German border guard's hat and a pair of underpants and nothing else to work?

ETA: Eh, that posted too quick. Also, every time I see the initials ETA I think of these guys: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ETA

[rock_girl]

Ooh, I missed the uniform part. I've always thought that uniforms were a great leveller - parents don't have to stress about getting kiddo the latest fashions and kiddo doesn't have to stress about being made fun of because his parents just can't afford the latest fashions. What's wrong with making it harder to bully children whose families don't have the means or inclination to provide them with trendy clothes?

Aye. So much silliness, so little Christian charity.

[luckystone]

Because nothing says Satan's handiwork like seeing a struggling family gain access to affordable medical care or be able to put food on the table 3 meals a day, 7 days a week.

Jesus never said to help those less fortunate either!

[gilora]

It I were the devil I'd hang out at FJ and troll anti-feminist blogs. Oh wait ... :oops:

[Artemis]

If I were the devil I would encourage all fundamentalist Christians to be as bigoted, intolerant, unloving, hating, judgemental, ignorant, illogical, uneducated, and violent as I could.

Then I'd sit back and laugh as Jesus wept for the way they perverted the simple message of 'Love your deity, love your neighbour and do good.'

I don't know why the fundies are patrolling their boundaries looking for Satan pissing in.

He's already inside, pissing out.

The wolf is already inside the fold, wearing sheep's clothing, infecting their sheepdogs with rabies, tupping their maiden ewes and savaging their lambs.

[ILoveJellybeans]

I totally agree Artemis. Fundies are doing a better job of scaring people away from Christianity than Satan could ever try.

[Guest Anonymous]

If I were the Devil . . . I mean, if I were the Prince of Darkness, I would of course wipe Israel and its puppy 'Merica off the face of this earth.

[Arete]

If I were the Devil . . . I mean, if I were the Prince of Darkness, I would of course wipe Israel and its puppy 'Merica off the face of this earth.

:roll: What a very original thought you just had, dear.

[Guest Anonymous]

:roll: What a very original thought you just had, dear.

I want world peace.

Israel and the USA does not.

It's simple.

[Dark Matters]

I think Lucifer has gotten a bad rap. After all, he was created by god and does nothing without his permission.

[ILoveJellybeans]

The devil doesnt want world peace though, he is meant to be evil.

Although maybe its a bit mixed up, as in the Bible he actually kills less people than God, and he is supposed to punish people who sin, which actually sounds like he is working for good.

[Wolfie]

I want world peace.

Israel and the USA does not.

It's simple.

WTF? Way to paint everybody with the same brush.

[Swamptribe]

If I were the Devil, I'd play the religious fundamentalists everywhere. Their self-righteous religious indignation paranoia and judgmental prejudice would be the lever I'd use to cause confusion and chaos. What's the old saying "Even the Devil can quote the Bible". Course, Fundies never see the irony in that.

[wtfrenchtoast]

I think Lucifer has gotten a bad rap. After all, he was created by god and does nothing without his permission.

That. He's just a pawn in god's greater plan. A scapegoat.

[Burris]

If I were the Devil, I would do my best to convince people that might makes right; that cruelty, if undertaken in service to God, is an objective good; that the letter of the Law is more important than its spirit; that the tribalism and ancient curses are legitimate reasons for warfare; that things which happen next door or half-a-world away are 'not my problem'; that compassion is for suckers; that pastors are indeed entitled to devour widows' houses; and, of course, that everyone who suffers did something to deserve it - unless the person suffering is you.

In short, if I were the Devil, I would have created the modern Christian right then sat back to admire my handiwork.

[FlorenceHamilton]

If I was the devil I would create a system and call it "good". I would tell the masses not to fear death because if they accept me as their personal messiah, I will take them to eternal paradise. I would pepper it with doctrine that gives incentive to bring others under my dominion and convince them all that they are doomed for all eternity if they do not worship as I say. It doesn't matter whether they are good human beings and respect all living creatures and the Earth the best they can. It only matters that they accept me I to their hearts and I will save them from eternal death.

I would make people believe that certain people who look a certain way. Are less deserving than others. I would encourage the privileged to constantly vilify the others to prove that their lower status is deserved. I would take half the population and place them at servitude to the other half. I would tell them that becoming empowered is evil.

I would make my system have circular logic so that the use of critical thinking is defined as evil.

Then I would laugh as the minions follow my nonsensical approach to life on earth and watch as they destroy other humans, each other and the planet.

[Maggie Mae]

Ooh, I missed the uniform part. I've always thought that uniforms were a great leveller - parents don't have to stress about getting kiddo the latest fashions and kiddo doesn't have to stress about being made fun of because his parents just can't afford the latest fashions. What's wrong with making it harder to bully children whose families don't have the means or inclination to provide them with trendy clothes?

Aye. So much silliness, so little Christian charity.

We still knew perfectly well who had the latest fashions and who was on scholarship. I like uniforms and all, but I don't think they are that effective in preventing bullying. Kids just had to be more creative in their bullying. Like 'so and so stuffs' or 'so and so ate dog biscuits last night'. Uniforms are good at saving money and time. I support them for that reason alone.

[J'ean Skirt]

I spent many, many years in catholic school, so I don't really understand why so many people are anti-uniform. My biggest complaint about uniforms was how cold I always was. We were required to wear sweaters, but they were of such pathetic construction they offered no warmth at all. As someone who has problems thermoregulating I spent most of my high school career cold. This did not help my learning at all.

[pixydust]

We still knew perfectly well who had the latest fashions and who was on scholarship. I like uniforms and all, but I don't think they are that effective in preventing bullying. Kids just had to be more creative in their bullying. Like 'so and so stuffs' or 'so and so ate dog biscuits last night'. Uniforms are good at saving money and time. I support them for that reason alone.

They don't prevent bullying, as least in the US....uniforms are sold everywhere, from Walmart ($5 shirt, $10 pants) to Ralph Loren and Lacoste (or however it is spelled), and yes the shirts have the little logo, so everyone can tell where you got your uniform.

[JesusFightClub]

Hmm, when I was little (and also older, I had to wear uniform until I was 18) there was a special uniform shop you went to in order to get the uniform. If your parents were on benefits you got a voucher to purchase it with.

I had two years in a private and somewhat religious school, and the rest of the time before and after I was in a state primary and a state comprehensive. At the private school you didn't get vouchers but the dress code was very strict (you would get in trouble for having a ladder in your tights, and we are talking about eight year olds here). At the state primary you had to wear a blazer and be "smartly dressed at all times". At the comprehensive you had to wear uniform but they were relaxed about what you did with it - we had a fashion to shred our ties, some girls wore fishnet tights, people rolled skirts up to their midriff practically and boys cut off their trousers (hey, it was the Nineties).

But yeah, it never prevented competition. Can anything, right now?