Getting Birth Control from Parents

[darareaksmey]

My kids are getting ready to be right in this age zone. They've had plenty of talk from us about sexuality, and they've had some object lessons from classmates and kids they know about how an unplanned pregnancy can change your life, and often not in a good way. I expect when my son is driving, within the next year, we'll supply him with condoms; he will feel comfortble talking with his dad about it. Our daughter is only 12, but she is a total boy magnet. I do worry about her, but she tells me everything and I'm pretty sure she would ask for help and advice if the time came.

Had it not been for Planned Parenthood when I was a teen, I don't know what I would have done, as I got *no* talk or help at all from my mother, and it's not the kind of thing I would have talke d to Dad about. I jsut don't want my kids to have to go to strangers. They will totally get the "This is not the thing you should just randomly do unless you have serious intentions of a longterm relationship with this person" talk, but I firmly believe that they are going to have sex no matter what I say, so I just want them to be prepared.

[Austin]

Raine, the situation with your sister is heartbreaking.

Sunny, I am so sorry about the situation with your son & his gf. Wow - that's a lot to deal with and it totally sounds like they are not ready for a baby, to say the least. It sounds like you are having a terrible week ((((hugs))))

I am happy to hear so many people are simply talking to their children (novel idea!) about sex/contraception. And for those who have little ones - the opportunities for these discussions will happen soon enough as the groundwork, at least, is laid during the preschool years or even earlier. (I know when you have a baby, it's hard to imagine and it seems like a long, long way off but that's really not the case.)

I'm not suggesting anyone have "the talk" with their preschoolers, but one lays the foundation by talking openly about human anatomy and bodily functions and just in general, not shaming children about their bodies, nakedness, or for asking questions. I am not a fan of the concept of "the talk". It's better than no information, but far inferior to creating an open environment where the functions of one's body and sexuality are accepted as a natural part of life, and having a discussion that takes place over years, if not decades.

IMO, if you're a prude at heart (I am!), you need to learn to mask those feelings. If you're wired this way, imagine the most embarrassing thing your child or teen could ask you and imagine that conversation and practice not showing any real reaction. Prepare yourself to listen to the situation/question and answer openly, honestly, and in a non-judgmental way. If you screw this up b/c of squeamishness, your child may never come to you again. One must prepare in advance, at least mentally. I realized that regardless of my natural discomfort with some of these things, it is not about me.

And there are many parts of the country where there is no PP accessible to a 14 or 16 year old because of geography. So while it may seem like common sense that if a 16 year old is planning on having sex, they should be able to access their own birth control, it doesn't work that way in real life. If there is no PP, a girl may have to use the family doctor, which brings up consent issues and insurance issues. Some pharmacists/store clerks make it hard for young people to purchase contraception like birth control pills and condoms, and may go out of their way to embarrass them. However, a store clerk is not going to say a word to a 40 or 45 year old mom or dad buying a box of condoms, so I would suggest that parents at least just make condoms available. I just bought a box and put them in clear glass canister in the "boys' bathroom", just like I would a container of Q-tips or cotton balls. No need to make a big deal.

BTW, it's probably been two years since I did this, and it has not "caused" any of our sons to run out and have sex. As I said, we're an open family and they tend to tell us exactly how far things have progressed with different girlfriends (much to the discomfort of my inner prude :) ) and it hasn't gone quite that far yet. But they're ready when it does.

All of this prep still does not guarantee a good outcome, but I feel at least we've given our kids all the information and access they need. What they do with it still remains in their court.

[bananacat]

There are plenty of adults, even married ones with kids, who are embarrassed to buy condoms. Nobody would tell a 40 year-old that they shouldn't have sex if they can't buy condoms, so I wouldn't say the same thing to a teenager. I mean, how many women get embarrassed to buy tampons? I even get embarrassed when I buy Gas-x. And I would really hope that my kids would be able to buy these perfectly normal things without being embarrassed, but that's easier said than done.

In college, I always made sure I bought condoms on my weekly trips to the grocery store, where I could just put them in the cart and pay for them with everything else. If I forgot, the only option was to get them from the 7-11 where they were kept behind the counter because they are so easy to shoplift. So I would have had to stand there staring for 5 minutes deciding which kind I want, and then I'd have to ask the cashier in front of everyone. I'm generally very open but even I was too embarrassed to do that. It doesn't mean I wasn't ready to have sex.

As for making an appointment for the doctor, there's more to that than just being ready for sex. If I had had to do that in high school, it would have been very weird simply because I had never done that before. I never made the appointments when I had strep throat or needed a physical, so it would have been really awkward for me. On top of that, since my mom was driving me I would have to fit it around her schedule anyway, so it was better for her to decide what time the appointment should be. She had to take off work for the appointment but it was during the summer so I didn't have school or other obligations.

I just think I'd rather make it as easy as possible for my teenager rather than wait for a pregnancy to happen and then say "If you couldn't by condoms you shouldn't have had sex". Yes, ideally they would be able to handle this themselves but I'd choose pregnancy prevention over idealism every time.

[fundiefan]

There are plenty of adults, even married ones with kids, who are embarrassed to buy condoms. Nobody would tell a 40 year-old that they shouldn't have sex if they can't buy condoms, so I wouldn't say the same thing to a teenager. I mean, how many women get embarrassed to buy tampons? I even get embarrassed when I buy Gas-x. And I would really hope that my kids would be able to buy these perfectly normal things without being embarrassed, but that's easier said than done.

In college, I always made sure I bought condoms on my weekly trips to the grocery store, where I could just put them in the cart and pay for them with everything else. If I forgot, the only option was to get them from the 7-11 where they were kept behind the counter because they are so easy to shoplift. So I would have had to stand there staring for 5 minutes deciding which kind I want, and then I'd have to ask the cashier in front of everyone. I'm generally very open but even I was too embarrassed to do that. It doesn't mean I wasn't ready to have sex.

As for making an appointment for the doctor, there's more to that than just being ready for sex. If I had had to do that in high school, it would have been very weird simply because I had never done that before. I never made the appointments when I had strep throat or needed a physical, so it would have been really awkward for me. On top of that, since my mom was driving me I would have to fit it around her schedule anyway, so it was better for her to decide what time the appointment should be. She had to take off work for the appointment but it was during the summer so I didn't have school or other obligations.

I just think I'd rather make it as easy as possible for my teenager rather than wait for a pregnancy to happen and then say "If you couldn't by condoms you shouldn't have had sex". Yes, ideally they would be able to handle this themselves but I'd choose pregnancy prevention over idealism every time.

I'm in my 40's. When I decided to divorce, one of the first things I did was buy condoms. When I was stocking up on other things like shampoo and soap and laundry detergent, I tossed them in the cart. I wasn't going to be caught without them and I wasn't going to make a last minute run for just those. I had no need of birth control while married so it was almost new to me, all over again. I was embarrassed. I thought anyone who saw me buy them would know my entire life story and say 'look, she just barely even filed for divorce and is buying condoms already'. Oddly enough, or maybe not?, a friend of mine took my funny, embarrassing 'story' and ran with it. The next time she went on a household stock up shopping trip, she bought several boxes of condoms and they are kept in each bathroom of her house and in the trunk of the car her teenagers use with other emergency supplies. She said she would never forgive herself if she became a grandmother because her kids were too embarrassed to do what was necessary.

[Austin]

There are plenty of adults, even married ones with kids, who are embarrassed to buy condoms. Nobody would tell a 40 year-old that they shouldn't have sex if they can't buy condoms, so I wouldn't say the same thing to a teenager. I mean, how many women get embarrassed to buy tampons? I even get embarrassed when I buy Gas-x. And I would really hope that my kids would be able to buy these perfectly normal things without being embarrassed, but that's easier said than done.

I wasn't talking about the young person being embarrassed necessarily. I was referring to the fact that check out clerks and even pharmacists can make it difficult for teens to buy BC, even with a prescription. I live in a very conservative area. I can easily imagine some self-righteous checkout clerk saying something negative or shaming to a 16 year old buying condoms.

[Kelya]

I wasn't talking about the young person being embarrassed necessarily. I was referring to the fact that check out clerks and even pharmacists can make it difficult for teens to buy BC, even with a prescription. I live in a very conservative area. I can easily imagine some self-righteous checkout clerk saying something negative or shaming to a 16 year old buying condoms.

Ah, see, some of this is my liberal area speaking. I've always lived in States with simple birth control and abortion access.Condoms were always available in school, and I took a friend to get BC when we were 15 and it was actually fairly boring. If I lived in an area where access was restricted or attitudes were different than mine, I'd definitely take this appraoch.

[MrsKay]

My mom took me to the doctor to get birth control pills - after the epic scandal of my first pregnancy scare at age 13 (date rape, but I was too naive to call it that). You can bet your ass that she was VERY open about sex after that. My daughter is 14, and given the added issue of endometriosis that runs haywire in our family, knows all about the Pill, and knows she can come to me at any time, and I'll TRY not to freak out where she can see or hear me.

Oh - I also would have loved it if my mom had known about BCP helping endo earlier, when I was dying every month with cramps that made me vomit. All I knew was that they were supposed to prevent me from getting pregnant, so when I was surprised by my period - NO CRAMPS! - I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! That was the reason for me explaining BCPs to DD at age 10 (the age I was when I started my period).

[duplessis3]

I'm an Our Whole Lives facilitator (OWL for short) which is a human sexuality course developed by the UUs and the UCC. The first course is kindergarten age and then there are various ages after that, including adult. The longest and most intense course is for 7-9 graders. It is 90% relationships, outcomes, emotional health etc. This helped me to be open with my sons. I got a book on human reproduction for my then 8 yr old, who promptly read it to his 4 yr old brother so...that was right there. But I do talk about things like "don't put things in your butt without a flange" and "don't put anything around your neck" as it comes up. (I listen to NPR a lot and when David Carradine died it came up pretty naturally - because I couldn't believe a guy with all that money wouldn't hire someone to watch in case he couldn't get himself out.) One of the things OWL stresses is that if you don't want to get pregnant, use two forms of birth control. And condoms always if you are not in a committed monogamous relationship. (Male or female. GLB kids have a higher risk of pregnancy/getting someone pregnant if they are closeted.)

The pill is not enough. Who wants to get HPV? or syphilis or chlamydia? And of course the bc pill is not the answer for every woman. It is horrible for me. (side effect: I got Crohns. A very rare side effect and I guess I did it so you don't have to but...)

I hope that my sons will feel comfortable to come to my husband or me before they decide to become sexually active. (And I know how little thought can play in that decision.)

[Staceyjw]

I hope my kids can come to me, I would want them too. (I obey have 1 DS, but am hoping for more)

As uncomfortable of a topic as this is, it's critical for a parent to get over it and talk to their kids as early, and often, as you can. The info out there now is more accurate, and the resources for teens are better, but the pressures are also stronger. You don't know what your kids actually know about sexual activity, and ignorance in these matters can be deadly, or permanently life changing. There is no easy way out of unplanned pregnancy, especially for a girl, and some diseases are fatal, or lifelong.

Besides the issues of disease and pregnancy, there are other vitally important concepts: proper role of sex in a relationship, respecting your body, respecting your partner, creating and maintaining boundaries, not being pressured into things you don't want to do, whats normal and whats not, the concept of consent, legalities (like age differences), assault and rape, body image, porn, other expectations, virginity, etc, etc, etc. I could go on and on.

Sexual behavior is complex, and it's unfair to send your teen into it with only media images to guide them. I don't want my kids to have a warped view of sex, as I believe it's as powerful and beautiful as it can be dangerous. Society feeds them two opposing ideals- sex is dirty and sinful, and everyone does it and you should too, if you want to be loved. Awful stuff! I know our sexualized culture is influential, and images of women and porn are all over, but I am hoping I can give my kid(s) tools so they can enjoy sex in a healthy way. There's only so much I can do about it, I know, but I am not going to give up my small chance to make a difference.

Hopefully, all of our kids will not be having sex before they are adults, and can handle the consequences physically and psycologically. Until they are grown and independent, a teens sex life IS a parents business. As much as this sucks. And it does, I agree. If you don't know what to say, you can use media as a way to break into the topic. Watch a show like "Teen Mom" with them, and talk about it. The are plenty of shows and movies that can be a good springboard to discussion. You can't help, or influence, without talking about it. You can also enlist other trusted adults or older teens to help you get the message across.

My Mom was always open, and I could go to her for these things. Since her belief was no sex until marriage, and she says they were virgins at their honeymoon (they still say this!), so she didn't have much to say about navigating the modern sexual world. At first, I didnt to bother her about it, because I didnt want a lecture or to upset her. So I went to a Planned Parenthood style clinic alone. I think I was 13, but was very savvy. When I was a few years older, I had her take me. She wasn't thrilled, but she did it. (She still mentions this, and Im 35 and married with a kid!) Just knowing I could go to her with anything was important.

Sorry for the novel! It's a topic thats important to me.

[susanmr5]

When I first started having sex condoms were his deal, but we'd been in a relationship for awhile and I made it clear that it was up to him to have them if we were going to have sex. This was partly because I lived with snoopy parents, didn't have a car, and lived out in the country. Buying condoms from anywhere other than a gas station vending machine was pretty tough. After we'd been in a relationship for awhile I talked to another sexually active friend who'd gotten on pills. She told me where to go/how to get them and by then I had a car but it was still tough to get to town. "Oh! You're going into town? What for? I have errands to run, I'll come with!" Umm... I'd rather you not mom.

At some point my mom asked if I was having sex and when I told her I was she said she'd help me get the pills. I still went through our area's version of Planned Parenthood so that it wouldn't show up on our insurance. My dad would have FLIPPED if he knew I was having sex.

It was horribly embarrassing and if I could have avoided telling her at all I would have but I'd be more than willing to do the same for my own children. I don't want them having sex at 16 or whatever but I know that's not always how things work and I'd much rather them be protected than end up with an STD or a child. Yes, they should be able to get those items themselves but sometimes the best option, especially for girls, requires a doctor and that is a lot harder.

[dcmhejbl62]

All boys here, and we've always been open about sex. I do suggest starting that openness as soon as possible; one of ours clammed up at about 12 and we haven't been able to bring up even the topic of girls since. If I hadn't started the sex talks years before I'd be a little panicky about now.

Besides talking early and using a few of those goofy "What Every Teen Guy Should Know" books I picked up to spur conversation, I watch Oprah, Dr. Phil, 20/20, etc. shows with them, from a pretty early age, 8, 9, 10 years old, when there is a topic like teen pregnancy, domestic violence, drug abuse, cult survivors... anything with real people that we can watch together and discuss. Again, I like to hit topics before they actually have to encounter them themselves, so they have plenty of time to absorb the subject and develop their own ideas and plans of action.

We haven't had to deal with birth control yet, but we have discussed it a lot, particularly the consequences of early pregnancy, the responsibility aspect, and how when girls agree to sex because they are "in love" they are generally expecting a relationship to last forever or damned close. I think I'd prefer to teach them (or have their dads teach them) how to get their own condoms, teach a man to fish and all that, lol, but it would depend on the situation... I'd far prefer buying my immature teen condoms than taking care of his baby.

[contrary]

i was fairly late (for my crowd) in "losing it", but my mom knew that my friends were sexually active. i was not yet, and she took me to the doctor and got me on the pill "for my acne".

In retrospect, i think it was her way of making sure i had what i needed to protect myself, and i'm grateful. it did also help with the acne...