Getting Birth Control from Parents

[GenerationCedarchip]

I don't have children yet, but I'd like to think that I'd be able to talk about these things openly. For whatever reason, when I was in my late teens/early 20s, I was the one that all my cousins came to with their questions. My personal favorite was when one of my cousins started asking all kinds of "condoms gone wrong" questions as he came down the stairs of my parents' house - not realizing that our hyperuptight fundie pastor and his wife were standing at the bottom! :oops:

[SquirrelySquirrel]

I learned what sexual intercourse was by looking it up in the encyclopedia. For you young pups, this is where we had to go for information before the internet came about. ;) My mom gave me the period talk, but never talked about sex. I plan to be completely different with my daughter (only child). I want to be as open and non-judgmental as possible so that she can come to me with anything, or at the very least, be armed with enough facts to make the right decisions independent of me. I'll take her for BC, I'll buy condoms, whatever it takes. Her father is on the same page as well.

[Cassandra]

I learned what sexual intercourse was by looking it up in the encyclopedia. For you young pups, this is where we had to go for information before the internet came about. ;)

I learned the mechanics of sex because when I was 7 or 8 I used to steal my mom's romance novels and read them at night-because she told me they were forbidden. She read the kind with a lot of euphemisms so it took me 2 books to figure out exactly what a 'throbbing member' was.

[SunnyAndrsn]

Raine, do you feel comfortable sharing what happened with your sister's pregnancy?

My almost 20 year old just told us his 19 year old girlfriend is pregnant. We believe his was rather intentional on her part...since, according to him, and against our better judgement, she was "in charge of the birth control." We tried to drill it into him that HE was responsible for it as well.

Girlfriend is not stable, and he'd been threatening to break up with her. Go figure she turns up pregnant. Not a dime between the two of them, or a job to generate dimes. She's agoraphobic, doesn't have a high school diploma, lives with her mother who has severe anxiety and has become handicapped physically as a result of her anxiety....it's a terrible situation.

DS's bio family is thrilled. Us, as the adoptive family are being written off. At least until someone needs money.

Sorry to de-rail the thread, I'm a little disgruntled this week.

Moms to sons--do whatever it takes to make sure your sons take charge of birth control. PERIOD.

My mom had me put on the Depo shot within a week of my first period, because my sister got pregnant at 13 and she didn't want to go through that again. I think that was a little over the top, but wouldn't have known where to get any sort of birth control in my hometown at the time. I was on my parents' insurance, so I would have had to go through them if I got a doctor's appointment and probably would have been to embarrassed or spur of the moment to buy condoms or anything like that if I'd had sex earlier than I did.

If I had a daughter, I would definitely want her to feel like she could come to me for birth control if she needed it, and to feel like she could be honest about things going on in her life.

[Feberin]

My son is only a year old so I should have a little while before I have to worry about him having sex but I hope that he will be open with my husband and I. We plan to explain everything as it comes up in an age appropriate manner. We'll see how well that works in practice but I hope that it will lead to us being open and him able to feel like he can ask us anything. My family talked about sex a lot and I knew I could ask whatever and it would be explained. My in-laws never talked to their kids about sex past the "don't do it until you're married"! Two of their children had kids before they were out of high school (they chose adoption for the babies).

[Kaylee]

Raine, do you feel comfortable sharing what happened with your sister's pregnancy?

I've mentioned it before, I think. The guy she was with freaked out & dumped her (he was in his 20s). My mom was worried it would look bad on her, so they sent my sister off to one of the Roloff homes, which then placed her in another facility that was supposed to be for ages 18+ and she was forced to give up her baby for adoption through that home. She has never found her daughter.

[nonymouse]

I'm so sorry to hear it, Sunny. My thoughts will be with your family, especially with your son.

[StarrieEyedKat]

I've mentioned it before, I think. The guy she was with freaked out & dumped her (he was in his 20s). My mom was worried it would look bad on her, so they sent my sister off to one of the Roloff homes, which then placed her in another facility that was supposed to be for ages 18+ and she was forced to give up her baby for adoption through that home. She has never found her daughter.

That's heartbreaking. :cry:

Sunny - best wishes to you and yours, that sounds like a nightmare of a situation right now.

My oldest isn't even 3 yet, but when it comes to bodies and explaining all the wonderful things that can and do happen, I plan on being very forthright. I hope and pray both my son and daughter will feel comfortable enough to come to me if they need anything - BC, condoms, someone to talk to - at whatever age. I slept with my boyfriend when I was 16 and ended up getting a UTI not too long after. My mom, who is thankfully a non-judgmental nurse, asked if I needed to start taking BC and I accepted. Both of my parents have always been completely open to any and all conversations that came up. (I told my husband that if I could only have one person in the room for our kids birth - in the event of a c-section - it would be my mom. He had no problem with that. My dad wanted to be there for my daughter's birth, but ended up not getting off work in time. Most people find that icky and weird, but I just shrugged when he asked.)

[Katiebug]

We have a daughter, so I've thought a bit about this. She's only one, but they say sex ed should start young - even with just teaching children the appropriate names for body parts. When she's a teen I would like for our daughter to feel comfortable coming to me if she's in need of birth control. I'd want to get her to an OBGYN for a well woman exam, but wouldn't insist on being in the room with her unless she wanted me to be. The Pill is well and good but I would also want to encourage her to always use a condom, even in a monogamous relationship - both as a backup contraceptive and to protect herself from STIs. I think when we have older teens we'll make them aware of where condoms are in the house and let them know that if they need them they are there for the taking and we will not judge or be angry. We would honestly prefer our kids wait until they're older and are in long-term, monogamous relationships, but better to provide birth control than become a grandma when your kid is 17, you know?

Neither Mr. Bug or I had "the talk" from our parents. My experience consisted of my mother handing me a book about getting one's period when I was around 8 and asking me to talk to her if I had any questions. I didn't. Then she left age-appropriate books about sex lying around. When it came to birth control she assumed that I learned what I needed to know from sex ed in high school (which fortunately was comprehensive). She knew I went on the Pill at 20, but it was ostensibly to regulate my cycle. When I was 21, my now-husband and I had been dating for more than 2 years and my mother asked me one day if we were having "marital relations". Talk about awkward! :lol: I told her honestly that yes we were, and we were very careful about birth control - we didn't speak of these things again for years (not until I got pregnant).

[fundifugee]

It is my goal to have an open, honest and non-judgemental relationship with my daughter. I hope she can talk with me about that stuff and can ask for what she needs (from her parents AND from her SO).

However, I am also going to be sure she knows that medical info is confidential and that if there is anything of concern that she feels she cannot discuss with me, she should feel confident going and getting help/meds/etc.

My daughter's godmother is one of the coolest women I know. I chose her as a godmother because she has exactly the kind of open, accepting relationship with her daughter that I did NOT have with my mother. She went a step further than the birth control, and told her daughter that if she felt ready to have sex, she should feel welcome to bring the boyfriend to sleepovers at her house. My friend admitted feeling squicked out about the whole scenario but felt her daughter would be in a position of power, able to say no or use a condom or whatever else, with her parent(s) down the hall, rather than in the back seat of a car or some such place. She made sure she had condoms in the house.

[aelar]

There's an interesting article in the NY Times today about teenage sex, sleepovers, and a study that compared attitudes and outcomes in the Netherlands versus here.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/24/opini ... 381963AE3C

My daughter is three weeks old, so I have a -long- time before I have to worry about this, but I hope that I will have a relationship where she feels comfortable asking me for and about anything. My mom was a hippie and way too open for me (I'm a born prude) about nudity and sex. She taught me all the scientific names for my body parts, gave me The Show Me Book (no longer able to be found, it's considered child pornography now, sadly, but it was a great book full of naked people and kids, discussing things very matter-of-factly) when I was just in kindergarten, pointed me toward the bookshelf with Joy of Sex on it as a tween, and celebrated my 'womanhood' far more than I did with pretty underthings and a box of condoms, not just pads and tampons. I still ended up going to Planned Parenthood, not her, when I started having sex and wanting birth control, but that was my hang-up, I was already in college also, and at least I had options and information, even if I chose not to take advantage of them.

[lovefromgirl]

So it comes up a lot in threads, in sex ed., and even in some episodes of Roseanne (love!) but it seems like a lot of people have gone to their parents for information about birth control.

Now I never got a sex talk (my mom was too fucked up for that), and we never had sex ed in school. I learned through experimenting/growing up, the internet, and friends, not the best combo. So I'm a big fan of age appropriate sex ed and talking and everything and will do that with my kids.

But the idea of a child actually coming to me for access to birth control is just, well, weird. If you and your partner are having sex I don't particularly want to know. If you're not in a relationship and having sex I don't particularly want to know. If you're mature enough to have sex, you're mature enough to see a physician, go to clinic, or purchase condoms/diaphragms/whatever.

It just seems like overshare. I guess if my kid was too young to access these things they'd need me to help, and of course i would, and also have serious "you're 13 years old wtf" talks, but young adults who are generally competent...why would they need me in such a private, personal decision?

Do you expect your kids to go to you for birth control? Do you expect to know if they're having sex? What is your expectation around this area?

ETA: this might be better in chatter, sorry.

Eh, well, it's here now. :)

My family was always open about sexuality and the potential for same when it came to me. My parents passed down to me a sense that one should remain available to one's child, should that child wish to talk about these things. If my child doesn't come to me, where will s/he go? What other adults does s/he trust? Increasingly, the "adult" is a computer with an Internet connection, or a television. I'd rather any child of mine trusted me over the media, at least enough to approach me about making a doctor's appointment.

My high school waited until well after I knew about sex to actually bother teaching it, and well after when the kids around me were experimenting. I hope those kids were able to talk to their parents as well; we weren't that Puritan in my town. What if someone had been raped? Abused? Coerced? Would s/he have understood the event as atypical and aberrant? Would s/he have had a context of healthy sexuality in which to frame abuse? And what about the expression of said healthy sexuality? Saying "don't do it until you're married" just plain doesn't work, even among our conservative "royalty". (Exhibit A: the entire Palin family.) I'm about as pro-choice as they come, but I don't want a child to have to make that choice unless and until s/he is able to enter into a consensual sexual relationship, preferably with someone who won't get thrown in jail because of it, fully aware of options and consequences. I want to be there for any child of mine, or be able to help that child access appropriate resources, and I can't do that where there is no trust and no talking.

I would be a hypocrite not to provide as much information as possible in the name of risk reduction and, yes, openness about sexuality. Such inaction would dishonor my own parents' choices, which I respect and appreciate from where I sit: 25, never been pregnant, never had a scare, never had to feel shame over the natural workings of my own body. I wish that for everyone.

[lovefromgirl]

I learned the mechanics of sex because when I was 7 or 8 I used to steal my mom's romance novels and read them at night-because she told me they were forbidden. She read the kind with a lot of euphemisms so it took me 2 books to figure out exactly what a 'throbbing member' was.

Those things never, ever get the placement of the hymen right! Biggest pet peeve ever!

...granted, at eight, I much preferred the clinical explanations in the cast-off medical textbooks I got from "Aunt" Kim. (What? I wanted to be a doctor.) I didn't get into the heaving bosoms until I was ten, and we brought home Outlander from the library. *snerk*

[Cassandra]

Those things never, ever get the placement of the hymen right! Biggest pet peeve ever!

...granted, at eight, I much preferred the clinical explanations in the cast-off medical textbooks I got from "Aunt" Kim. (What? I wanted to be a doctor.) I didn't get into the heaving bosoms until I was ten, and we brought home Outlander from the library. *snerk*

:D

My mom brought it on herself. I've always been a curious bookworm, and anything forbidden MUST be worth reading.

[Guest Anonymous]

Sex ed is progressive. It starts with kids asking where babies come from and parents providing age appropriate answers. It progress as the child ages. Its not just about making sure your daughter has reliable contraception, but that she also knows that condoms are a must regardless of whether your on the pill. My DD went on the pill early due to her periods, but she's from a condom culture, and at the age of 26 she won't risk her life for an orgasm with a man.The girls in her village were all raised knowing the importance of barriers for STDs and reliable contraception. I do know four of them have also experimented with female condoms. Being able to discuss sex with your kid means that if there is a contraceptive failure they know what to do about it, they can depend on you to be nonjudgemental and unconditionally loving. If there is a pregnancy you can discuss options like adults, not like those whack jobs on16andpreggers.

[lilah]

I remember when my mom was pregnant with my sister and I was three I asked the old "where babies are made" and my parents gave me the full explanation, sperms, egg, utuerus. I don't remember any of this but my parents have charming story about me asking my mom if dad had more sperm after my baby sister was born.

They've always been pretty honest about sex, I think we even talked about things like consent, bdsm, LBGT isssues. I think the one time my mom was too embarrassed to answer one of my questions was when I asked what the slang words were for genitals since my family had always used vagina/penis. My dad rattled off a few without issue. My mom also told me and my friends not to wait to have sex until after I was married, she told me sex was a fundamental part of a relationship and it was too important to know if you were compatible with your partner. I remember my friend just about *died* of embarssment from mom telling her these things, she was raised to be a pretty conservative baptist, had taken a true love waits pledge and everything. But she eventually came around to my mom's way of thinking.

My parents didn't really talk about contraception, I barely dated in high school so I guess they figured they could cross that bridge when they came to it? I regret not really having any formal education in contraception. Anyway I still remember trying to summon up the courage to tell my mom I needed to go on the Pill and then blurting it out. She was a bit taken aback but very cool about it.

[liltwinstar]

Heh, I'm 30 years old and married, and I *still* wouldn't tell/ask my mom about birth control!!

It's weird, I grew up in Quiverfull culture (even though my parents weren't QF), yet my folks were pretty open about the fact that my dad had a vasectomy, that mom had been off and on the pill for various reasons, etc. Even though premarital sex wasn't allowed, nor was birth control per our religious beliefs, I still knew the basics of contraception and such. So it was kind of a strange situation.

That said, my mom *hates* birth control pills because they've caused problems for her. We have a family member who went through a pretty serious mental health crisis a few years back and mom blamed that relative's use of birth control pills for causing the problem - even when said family member was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which has nothing to do with BC pills. Mom also believed that the pill "caused abortions" although I don't know if she still believes that because we don't talk about it.

I *love* my birth control pills and wish I had been on them from the time I was 12 years old - I had very painful periods which have totally cleared up with BC usage. If I had known that there was something out there that would take the pain away, I would have used my allowance to buy it, morals be damned. It makes me angry that my parents would see me white as a sheet, curled up in bed in agony every month, and wouldn't take me to a doctor to try to get some relief.

[muffynbear]

I *love* my birth control pills and wish I had been on them from the time I was 12 years old - I had very painful periods which have totally cleared up with BC usage. If I had known that there was something out there that would take the pain away, I would have used my allowance to buy it, morals be damned. It makes me angry that my parents would see me white as a sheet, curled up in bed in agony every month, and wouldn't take me to a doctor to try to get some relief.

I love my BC pills too. I don't know how I ever managed without them. I was 9 years old when I first got my period. I was 18 when I was put on BC. Not because I was sexually active, but because my OB/GYN found an ovarian cyst.This was my first exam ever. My mom took me. He suggested I take the Pill. Being young and naive, I said "Okay, but can I ask my mom?" and we called my mom into the room and she agreed that I should take the Pill. I've been on it ever since. I love it because I know exactly when I'm getting my period, like clock work. Whereas before, my periods were irregular and painful.

I'm honestly confused as to why some people are morally opposed to the Pill. It doesn't terminate a pregnancy like those pesky Duggars would have you believe. I do have a conservative relative who disagrees with me taking the Pill. I do know that if I ever have a daughter, I'm going to be extremely open about discussing birth control because I don't feel it's something that one should be ashamed to discuss. I also support Planned Parenthood because I feel that it's a great resource for both men and women when it comes to sexual health *NOT JUST ABORTION*. It's been a great resource for me when I needed birth control and I couldn't afford it.

[Kelya]

Interesting responses!

I think I mentioned in the OP that I'll of course talk to my kids about sex. I guess I just think if you're 16 years old and contemplating sex, you're old enough to arrange your own birth control, and that doing so is a sign of responsibility.

However, responsibility can be tough, so I'd rather help than not and see the results.

[Avalondaughter]

I always said that if I had kids and they wanted birth control, I would want to teach them responsibility and maturity on all levels. If they're adult enough to have sex, then they're adult enough to do the footwork. I would drive my daughter to the doctor if she needed a ride, and use my insurance to help pay for the pills, but it would be up to her to make the appointment with the gyno and she, not I, would have to directly ask the doctor for the pill. If my kids wanted to buy condoms, they would have to take it off the shelf of the store and take it to the register themselves. Maybe I'd drive them to the store, but it would not be my job to make it easy for them. If you're adult enough to have sex, own up to it.

[debrand]

The problem is that kids sometimes have sex long before they are emotionally and mentally mature. I'd rather buy my son a condom than end up with a grandchild. It isn't embarrassing to me to buy a condom but an unwanted child could be disastrous for everyone including the child.

When my grandmother discovered that my brother was having sex, she bought him a box of condoms and kept him supplied. My mom was a single mother and we had very little money. The chance that another child would be born into poverty was just too great for my grandmother. Plus, she knew that my brother was immature. Thankfully, her constant preaching at him worked and he ended up finishing college. He is financially succesful now. That would have been much harder, although not impossible, if he had gotten a girl pregnant.

[valsa]

The problem is that kids sometimes have sex long before they are emotionally and mentally mature.

Exactly. There is nothing that stops a teenager who is mentally and emotionally very immature from having sex. Immaturity doesn't magically slap a chastity belt on kids and it's exactly the immature ones who won't go through the hassle of getting protection if it's not freely available.

[nutella addict]

My mom always insisted we could come to her about these things but I've always found all of those conversations to be painfully awkward (and it didn't help that my mom would try to have them in public places, like over a meal out). She took my sister to the gyno when she was in high school to start on the pill because my sister asked. My mom forced me to start annual gyno appointments at 18 even though I wasn't sexually active (abstinent), and fully supported me starting on the pill at 21 on the advice of my doctor and gyno after a decade of irregular/painful periods and severe acne. Now that I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years (we're 23), nobody cares what we do or bothers to ask anymore, and I'm glad as I like to keep those things private. As for my little brother, the family joke is we'll worry about it after he finds a girl. When we dropped him off at college I said "Don't get so drunk you die, and don't knock anyone up." He had the same health/sex-ed teacher as me so I know he knows everything he needs to, and I'm sure he'd rather google it than ask any of us, and colleges tend to give out free condoms anyway. And I know I've talked to him about how I feel it's not to be taken lightly, and I'm sure my sister has given him her take as well, and I know they talked about it in Sunday school too. He's got a good head on his shoulders, I'm not worried about him. He can make his own mind up, and I know he definitely doesn't want to risk having a kid.

[fundiefan]

I don't honestly remember how I got my education or where it came from. I don't remember conversations with my mom and I don't remember learning it in school. While I know we had health class in high school where we learned the basics and were probably given birth control information (I did go to an evil public school in the 80's) I don't specifically remember a single conversation with a single person about sex or birth control. While I know it had to happen in some form with someone, these many years later I just don't recall. It just seems like I've always known (I know that isn't the case, it just seems that way). I do doubt it came from my mom since the one personal matter I do remember learning about - the use of tampons when I first got my period - was discussed and learned from my sister who is a year & a half older than I am.

When I was 16 my mom took me to my first gyno, but she did so because I had a yeast infection. I didn't know what it was and I remember kind of freaking out about it. I went to my mom's room crying because I was so miserable. I 'showed' her and the next day we were off to the gyno. While there, the gyno and I discussed my period and the hell it made of my life. It really was a horribly miserable thing for me - so heavy and painful and even made me vomit. She brought my mom into the exam room and we all discussed options. I went on the pill then to give more control and some relief. It was, to me, a magic little pill.

But, it wasn't a birth control decision and it wasn't something I discussed with my mom in that context. At least not that I recall. At that point I had already had my first sexual experience. It was not continued though; a one time thing that didn't become part of life in any way for another couple of years. At which point I was already off the pill because while it was magic for my periods it was hell on the rest of me. I tried again about five or six years later with the same bad side effects and have not been on the pill or any other hormonal birth control since.

From where I stand now, looking back, my birth control experience and education was entirely through trial and error and my own experience. I know that can't be the case, but I just do not remember specific conversations about it. Learning about it wasn't traumatic or life changing enough for me to note in my memory. It just...was...is. I have never had sex without some form of birth control. Even the first encounter before my first gyno visit. It's just always been a given, for whatever reason and however it came about.

I can say that my mom was is not the type of person anyone would go to for advice or information though. I can't imagine I got any information from her or having discussions about it with her.

I don't have kids so there won't ever be a need for such discussions. I do, however, have nieces and nephews and godsons and if any of them came to me for any reason under any circumstance, I would be honest with them and, if needed, I'd buy them condoms. I don't have the rights or ability for them to go to the gyno for the pill, but I would give them info about Planned Parenthood and other public agencies that provide information and services. And I would of course encourage them to go to their parents. I wouldn't 'tell on them' but I would pester them relentlessly to talk to their parents.

[Katiebug]

I had comprehensive sex ed in high school - most took it during their sophomore year, I was a junior (half of the year was "health" and the other half was First Aid/CPR and I was already certified in both so I skipped both classes my sophomore year and took an extra science elective instead). The class emphasized that abstinence was the only 100% effective way of preventing pregnancy and STDs, but we had a full and accurate explanation of male and female reproductive anatomy, different methods of BC and their effectiveness rates, and different STDs. The teacher was pregnant with her first child at the time and liked to talk about how wonderful it was to know that her baby was conceived in a moment of true love and in the context of a stable marriage. While she had to teach the full curriculum it was clear what her personal views were.

We had one girl in my health class who had become a mom at the age of 15. She was still in school because her mother took care of the baby. However she had to quit sports, had to get a part time job, and had no help or support from the baby's father. Her honest explanation of what her life was like - how she loved her baby more than anything but that it was incredibly hard - was far more effective of a message than what our teacher was saying.

Also, there was a film strip (seriously!) of pictures of genitalia affected by herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, etc. This would have been in the mid-90s and I remember being amazed that they could show us those pictures and horrified at how they looked.