Fundies and the sex talk?

[YPestis]

How do fundies give their kids "The Talk"? Quiverful families encourage early marriage. Their homeschooling probably don't include sex education. When the kids become engaged at around 20, they need to learn the birds and the bees. How do parents go from teaching that any skin above the ankle is sinful to discussing the act of sex? Do they get technical? Do they use euphemism and let the couples figure things out? Does anyone know what books they use? I'm often curious if they even discuss the physical aspects of sex (orgasm, penis, vagina etc).

If I was raised in that environment, I'd be embarrassed to even speak those words out loud. I'm curious if fundie kids, in their insular education, would even know certain terms. Can you imagine the Maxwell sons getting a sex talk by Dad? Well, anyway, things do get figured out. Almost every fundie marriage quickly produces a child.

[Guest Anonymous]

One of my best friends is fundy, and we talked about this. She learned the day of her wedding, in some sort of ceremonial talk, what her husband would expect that night. Terrified the bejebus out of her.

She said it was talk about "burying the rod in her womanly place" complete with expect pain like a good, godly wife.

[AnnieC 305]

http://www.boundless.org/2005/answers/a0001543.cfm

A candid conversation with an older married woman you trust would be helpful a few weeks before the wedding. You really don't need much time to prepare. And your fiancé will need even less. He should have a similar talk with a man he trusts (ideally you would be talking to married spouses) a few days before the wedding. Any sooner than that will just leave him tempted to fantasize.

Because even thinking about sex is SINFUL don'tcha know.

Also

http://www.stuffchristianculturelikes.c ... glide.html

Somewhere (was it here?) someone said that on/right before their wedding day their mother told them to go to the bathroom every night and put some down there to make it easier to endure.

So methinks that while they may be making babies right off, the women aren't enjoying the process. Which might explain the whole Quiverfull nonsense, if you don't have to put up with it while you're pregnant...

Edited to add: http://www.stuffchristianculturelikes.c ... g-sex.html

Because it's just so sad....

[luckystone]

What's wrong with scheduling sex? I do that sometimes, for various reasons.

[Deleted06]

Sometimes even non-fundies skip the talk. I'm 55 years old and my mom still hasn't told me anything! Maybe she thought that movie I saw back in 5th grade with the other girls explained it all?

[bananacat]

I figured they only need to tell the man how it works, as the woman will just be expected to obey anyway.

[pixydust]

What's wrong with scheduling sex? I do that sometimes, for various reasons.

We do, too. We have 3 kids, hubby works 50 hours a week (and sometime has to get up at 4:30 to go to work), so sometimes we have to do the "Ok, it's been a while....you don't have to go to work until 8 on Wednesday.....so Tuesday night it is!" otherwise, our busy lives get in the way.

BTW, I never got the "talk" (I got the period talk, but no sex talk) My sex ed came from reading a co-workers Cozmo and the first boyfriend I had a 17.

[OohLaLa]

My home wasn't full-on fundie in every respect, but my mom basically just gave me a section in some Dobson book that was very vague about what happens. Then lots of books on maintaining your purity, purity pledge, purity ring, blah blah blah. At least there was no purity ball. :?

Abstinence only sex education is so awful. I started having sex as soon as I got out of the house, I just didn't have a clue what I was doing or how to be safe about it.

[Claddagh]

BTW, I never got the "talk" (I got the period talk, but no sex talk) My sex ed came from reading a co-workers Cozmo and the first boyfriend I had a 17.

I got the period talk at a young age. My first "talk" was "nice girls don't do it." That went on until I was old enough to understand what "it" was.

[Swamptribe]

I get the impression that for a fundie woman to enjoy sex that would be tantamount to her being a slut. Sex is something that men require and their poor wives just have to put up with their beastly mates. A very Victorian idea, nice girls don't enjoy it, bad girls do. One has to wonder if these women ever have orgasm? Frankly, that type of thinking also takes any pressure to sexually satisfy their mates off the men. They once again get to be selfish bastards. With the whole 'keep sweet' thing, the women also have no encouragement to let their men know what they find sexually satisfying.

At work, I have looked through several 'marriage' manuals. Not one of them goes into any type of detail on the sex act. Not even technical information. All any of them cover is the usual purity and godliness nonsense. I've told hubbie that if we ever get invited to a fundie wedding we are giving the young couple copies of "The Joy of Sex" and the Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana (without the illustrations).

Growing up, all I got was a 'period' talk. And it was not very informative. I had kinda figured out what sex was on my own. Confirmed it with a school mate who used a 'hot dog and bun' analogy. Learned about the act itself by reading. Because of this, when my kids were young, I answered their questions when they asked 'em. We talked about sex. I wanted them to have correct information.

[Bookworm]

My mostly fundie parents did have regular talks with us as we grew up. I don't know if they ever mentioned the word orgasm aloud, though. A couple of times my mother told me to read a chapter in one of her sex manuals and give it back as soon as I was done with the chapter, like the rest was TMI and would cause me to fantasize or something. Of course, I had long since read most of the book through sneak peeks... She always said to ask her any question I had, and that sex was great, just it should be in marriage.

On the other hand, we never talked about periods or anything remotely "private" around guys and I was never supposed to read romance books that had sex in them. It's pretty easy to hide books, though.

I worry about my brothers, though, because I'm pretty sure they are still incredibly ignorant. Fundie sex ed and attempted control of the sex drive is cruel to the men. It is assumed that they have much stronger drives and so the restrictions are much harsher on them than on the girls in an attempt to somehow raise them to adulthood and marriage without them having lustful thoughts about anyone. And when they DO have lustful thoughts, it makes them afraid they are horrible perverts. Literally, I have heard many a sermon about how watching any porn will turn a guy into an addict and probably he'll become a pedophile or gay or both. The girls can get away with a lot more just because we are assumed to be less lustful. The guys are indeed "supposed" to only have an in-depth talk like the day before the wedding, which I cannot imagine how that would lead to a nice wedding night.

Re: female siblings I have made it my business to give links to Scarleteen and such and there have been several conversations, so I feel better about the knowledge/preparedness level there. I'm still getting used to how openly normal people can talk about sex and not even blush. That's one of the things that has stuck the most with me from my upbringing and it's a bit irritating.

[mockingbird]

My mom gave me a pretty normal sex/puberty talk I think and just various conversations about how they advised against sex before marriage but no matter what, be safe. When we had sex ed at my Catholic school, though, we had this program about purity. It was something about a treasure box and not giving away the key before you are married. We needed a permission slip to participate and my mom refused to sign it because she thought it would get too uncomfortable/embarrassing. The only other kid who didn't get to go was the religious director's kid which I find hilarious now. The more I read about the purity movement the more thankful I am I didn't have to do that program. We had regular like "facts of life" sex/puberty ed too (I don't think anything about protection besides abstinence - I got that at my public middle school though), so at least they didn't totally skimp on that.

[Closed Womb]

Didn't 19KAC show Josh and Anna listening to some audio book about the subject?

I can't remember which thread mentioned it, I read some reviews on a Christian what to expect on your wedding night type book. If I can recall, the reviews said the beginning was technical but the rest was appropriate primer for the virginal wedding night. Does anyone know what book I am thinking of?

I cannot imagine any of the fundies having a talk with their kids. Well, maybe Penis-in-Vagina, but nothing more than technicalities.

[nolongerIFBx]

I was nine when "The Talk" came up. One of my friends- a quiverfull IFB pastor's daughter- passed on some information to me which my mom tried to correct. Then she gave me a novel- "Just Like Ice Cream" to read and explained the sex scene in it. I actually think I was too young emotionally to handle it all and all I took away from it was that sex hurts and that truly was not what she focused on. I ended up reading a lot of bodice-rippers (I've never understood why my reading was not more closely monitored. I can't even understand why my library would let an 11 year old check out those books!). I spent the next (way too many) years claiming that I did not want to get married and ended up being branded a homosexual (there isn't any further you can fall in the IFB movement) all because I was scared. I don't blame her; I think she tried. It was probably really progressive of her to try to talk to me so early and so bluntly. I was/am just weird like that. Hey, I still ask for Emla cream when I have to get my blood drawn! I have Pain-o-phobia. (-;

[Olive Plant]

Most of the fundy homeschoolers I knew had animals. You spend enough time around animals, you figure out sex and pregnancy, and you even might help deliver animals. Of course, you know nothing about sexual pleasure until you research it on your own somehow (possibly after moving away), but the technical details can be pretty obvious. And, oh yeah, all the "sexually immorality is bad, blah blah blah" that you get in church somehow enlightens you a little bit too. What is this sexual immorality you speak of? Oh, mating, like the animals. You're supposed to get married first if you're a human being. Some people don't, because they're sinful, and they're focused on momentary pleasure. (translation = sex can be fun)

The Bible is sort of sexual at times. Song of Solomon was probably the most sexual book in my house.

[Sister Mozz]

I received "the talk" after I started my period at 9. A neighbor had already explained a little about periods, so I didn't freak out when I saw the blood. The talk was simple and straightforward... and the only one ever given. Everything else I learned on my own.

[ladidah]

The Quiverfull folks I grew up with were very open about sex--and not just procreative sex, but dating, making out, the whole wide range of sexual behaviors that curious kids want to ask about. Ditto with the exact details of childbirth (natch!). I was a little jealous of how much their young kids knew that I only started to figure out around age 8 or so.

I grew up around a lot of fundamentalists and hyper-conservative evangelicals, and none of our crowd would have needed a "talk" by the time we hit our teens, let alone got married. So I do think a lot depends on specific sub-cultures and family dynamics.

[pixydust]

The Bible is sort of sexual at times. Song of Solomon was probably the most sexual book in my house.

I was informed at about 12 that I was not allowed to read SoS until I was married! Heaven forbid that I should read about some man loving his partners breasts! Of coarse I read it in no time flat. I still love that book of the Bible.

[formergothardite]

I was about 10ish and my mom sat me down said that once a couple gets married that a man can put his penis inside a woman's vagina and that was how babies were made. Except it was really vague and I still had no idea what sex was.

[bernadette]

I was about 12 or 13 when I got a book handed to me with a section about the menstrual cycle marked off for me to read. That was it. No sex talk ever either. I learned how things worked by reading in the medical encyclopedia we had, and a book I found on the shelf about how babies are made.