How a secular woman drinks the fundy Kool aid

[meda]

So it has taken me far too long to connect the dots, but I finally realized that I grew up with a woman who is married to a rising star Reverend in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA, the fundie Presby's) and has become completely emeshed in the lifestyle.

Growing up, my parents were friends with another couple who had several girls. We were all quite close in age, with me right in the middle. This family was middle class, both parents worked, the girls received an excellent public school education, and they were observant but not socially conservative Catholics. We all grew up in the northeast US with no exposure to evangelical Christianity, or any sort of overt religious presence in our lives. In both of our families education and achievement were stressed, and all three of us went to elite universities and earned degrees. The younger daughter and I both went on to obtain graduate degrees and have had fairly successful careers. She and I both had some personal ups and downs in our 20's, but we have both settled down in long term relationships, and the younger daughter recently married her live in boyfriend. In other words, a fairly typical trajectory for a couple of women with our backgrounds.

The older daughter took a very different path. She joined a Christian youth group in college, met a marine ROTC student from a nearby university, left the Catholic church, found Jesus, and became engaged to the marine. They informed the girl's parents at her college graduation at the wedding would happen that summer, with no drinking or dancing. The thank you card my parents received for their wedding gift contained a tract. The marine went on to earn a doctoral degree in Divinity in Scotland, and they now live in the UK as church planting missionaries. He is all over the web decrying women in leadership positions and ecumenicalism, is a guest preacher at large PCA churches, and is otherwise a twit. She has 6 kids, is skirts only, homeschools, and appears as the perfect wife in church pictures. They refused to attend her younger sisters wedding because it was a secular ceremony and the sister had lived in sin with her intended. I am just amazed at her life choices given her upbringing and I really wonder what led her down that path. She was a bit of a perfectionist "good girl" growing up, but nothing to suggest the type of person she has apparently become.

[Minerva]

I know several people who became fundie light after encountering Christian youth groups in high school/university. One of whom wouldn't exist if it weren't for reproductive technologies. It's not a phenomenon I understand.

[MamaJunebug]

I'd expect to find an assortment of personality traits and significant life experiences that combined to lure an otherwise-sane Catholic girl into the VF/NCFIC/IBLP-type life.

A tendency to be serious-minded; a young heart that took the Law of God very very seriously; a sense of fearfulness that the Gospel of J.Christ wasn't really enough and that we have to earn our salvation in supplemental ways; a desire to please beloved elders (parents, teachers, others) when those elders never quite seemed entirely pleased with us; a tendency toward darkness emotionally; a timidity or lack of self-confidence at the prospect of making it on one's own in the world -- which would make it seem to be a wonderful relief to find a highly structured and demanding overseer (husband, guru, swami, leader, priest) who set out failsafe rules of behavior, etc.

I'm just guessing with all of the above, and yes, relying on my own experiences or the observation of people close to me who've gone down a sad road.

Is there a way to prevent such a slide into (what we see as) a joyless existence? Probably not. IOW, unless you are a beloved elder of the young woman who was dismissive toward her early attempts at your approval, you really couldn't have done much to change things. And if you are, what's done is done, and you did your best.

Best thing to be done now is to pray for her (or send up good thoughts if you're not theistic) and be ready to welcome her generously should she ever make an overture about meeting you on neutral ground, or your ground, again.

Hugs, srsly.

[NurseNell]

And look at Zsu, she was secular. She had no interest in the PP the first time she met him. So what happened to make her move to a new country to visit a man she barely knew. And then marry him and become the complete opposite of secular?

[contrary]

I don't really understand the slide into fundamentalism either, but maybe because I just don't want to. It's so foreign to me, that I just don't see how ANYBODY gets from Point A to Point B.

That's all well and good, but boycotting your sister's wedding because you disagree with some element of their life or ceremony, is just being a shitty-ass person.

[meda]

That's all well and good, but boycotting your sister's wedding because you disagree with some element of their life or ceremony, is just being a shitty-ass person.

This is where I'm at with it. Her parents and sister are good people, and her parents worked their asses off to give her oportunities...which she has since turned around and thrown back in their faces. I understand leaving the church of your birth, but I don't get the decision to embrace a holier-than-thou life being a brood mare for a man who condescends to your parents because they're not Christian enough.

[valsa]

Someone else already mentioned this but I think a big part of it is fear. Fear and being a shitty person who needs to feel superior to people. I think those are definitely two traits anyone who gets sucked into legalistic fundementalism need to be vulnerable to it.

[alysee]

Not sure this was mentioned but also fear and anxiety about making decisions. It's so much easier to have your headship telling you what to do than make a decision for yourself. It was the one thing I struggled with when I escaped because of my fear and anxiety about life.

[QAF_Rocks]

I would guess that meeting manipulative evangelists at a vulnerable time in life (transition to college) also has a lot to do with it. I think they tend to prey on uncertain young people and build on their childhood indoctrination (which was, in this case, moderate Catholicism) to instill a sense of fear about the consequences of not accepting a certain type of religion.

[Peas n carrots]

Not sure this was mentioned but also fear and anxiety about making decisions. It's so much easier to have your headship telling you what to do than make a decision for yourself. It was the one thing I struggled with when I escaped because of my fear and anxiety about life.

I would guess that meeting manipulative evangelists at a vulnerable time in life (transition to college) also has a lot to do with it. I think they tend to prey on uncertain young people and build on their childhood indoctrination (which was, in this case, moderate Catholicism) to instill a sense of fear about the consequences of not accepting a certain type of religion.

I tend to agree with both these statements. If someone is timid and unsure of themselves and are scared of the decisions they are expected to make upon adulthood, I can see where this lifestyle...or any lifestyle where you do not have to make the decisions...is appealing. You can say the same about the Manson Girls...some of the girls were quite highly educated, but insecurities (and a lot of drugs) drew them to Charlie Manson. As MamaJunebug pointed out, for people with these types of issues it doesn't have to be a fundie preacher they are drawn towards.

[samurai_sarah]

One of my cousins, also a former Catholic, went there. She used to be very secular and "worldly", until she ended up in hospital for a serious disease. Before that she was sort of adrift, and then met someone who was Bible-bashing. She bought it wholesale, and went fundie-lite.

[luckystone]

And look at Zsu, she was secular. She had no interest in the PP the first time she met him. So what happened to make her move to a new country to visit a man she barely knew. And then marry him and become the complete opposite of secular?

What did happen? I don't know Zsu's story.

In both the OP and this story there is the element of meeting a guy and falling in love...you'd have to be already with some sort of leaning that way to find that kind of lifestyle appealing though, surely?

[SealFan1963]

Our old neighbors were both former alcoholics/drug abusers. To recover, they both went to AA two or three times a week for years. When they had their kids, they quit going to AA and started going to this very small Baptist church (they had never gone to church before). They are now extremely fundie (she's now a big haired frumper wearer - when she used to wear jeans, makeup and had short hair). She was also a big proponent of the Pearls book and had two of the meanest little boys.

To me it seemed like the switched one crutch (for lack of a better word, I realize AA is a program that has helped thousands of people) for another.

[nokidsmom]

Deleted, accidentally double posted

[nokidsmom]

Crap, double posted again. Sorry guys!

[nokidsmom]

I don't really understand the slide into fundamentalism either, but maybe because I just don't want to. It's so foreign to me, that I just don't see how ANYBODY gets from Point A to Point B.

Years ago, I had a young cousin that went fundie. She lived a pretty wild life, was pretty much unsupervised by her parents. My uncle traveled a lot, my aunt was hanging out with her "friend" which turned out to be a boyfriend and they got divorced. Around the time of the divorce, she (the cousin) and her boyfriend found a small local fundie church, which only followed KJV, and while that helped them both to clean up their acts, they became a major PITA to be around. BF who was a real a-hole to be around before became even more of one afterward, because he had the Big Sky Daddy on his side.

When they got married, both of them had to give their testimonies. Cousin denounced her first Lutheran baptism in front of her whole family, her godparents sitting right there. Cousins new husband told us all we were going to hell (great way to start off with your in-law family, dude). Pastor gave a long lecture on "obeying" to all "you feminists sitting here." Our whole family was treated as evil heathen outsiders by the church members.

I am supposing that with all the turmoil in my cousin's life that fundamentalism provided some answers and some badly needed structure. I guess, in a way that was a good thing, but it did a major number on her family relationships, especially her relationship with my sister, to whom she had been close. She and her husband moved out of state for work shortly after the wedding. She came back for visits twice but over the last 15 years she has not been back at all, even for her two half-sister's weddings.

[sippin0nsunshine]

Someone else already mentioned this but I think a big part of it is fear. Fear and being a shitty person who needs to feel superior to people. I think those are definitely two traits anyone who gets sucked into legalistic fundementalism need to be vulnerable to it.

I agree fear has a lot to do with it.

My older sister recently made the transition from slightly-religious-bitch, to fundiedom, and it makes me sad. Her father was abusive, and she had a rough childhood, so when she discovered religion, she clung to it. Mostly because she was insecure in life and needed a reason to be better than anybody else, but also because she thought religion would keep the "bad stuff" out of her life. She's always been "holier than thou" even as a child, and would snitch on her siblings and cousins given the chance. High school rolled around and she got caught up in the religious boom in the late 90's, and has been a snotty little christian since, as opposed to just a snotty little bitch. She's 31 now, recently got married to her bf of 12 years (with whom she was living in sin and has an 8 year old son) and now she's a MARRIED snotty christian, who judges (and insults) anybody who isn't like her. She thinks evolution is a lie, public schools should be Christian based, and didn't even blink when her "husband" called me a loser for not graduating high school, and being an atheist. Not to mention just a month before they got married she admitted she cheated on him and he was calling her every name in the book, and threatening to take her son away.

I think the religion added some stability to her life at a time where her dad wasn't around and she wasn't mom's golden girl anymore because I was the baby now instead of her. Her friends started sucking her into the church life and telling her she'd go to hell unless she was saved, blah blah blah.

Personally, I think people using religion as grounds to treat people like shit, is the main reason I turned away from it.