Worst thing about being an ex fundie...

[alysee]

I still struggle with being honest and upfront and non-judgemental. My upbringing, with all the ridiculous rules, judgement, womanly submission, and shame and humiliation-based parenting taught me nothing better than how to hide and lie and manipulate. I am 20 years out and I still have OMG moments during clinical encounters where my non-rational brain thinks 'wow, I can't believe you'd admit to doing that!!'. I don't know why it still happens, I have done a zillion "sinful" things myself and have no holier-than-thou left, it just seems to be a deeply ingrained rule not to talk about personal 'failings'. My rational brain has to do the smack-down on that impulse unpleasantly regularly.

And I still have a hard time confronting issues in a blunt and honest fashion, rather than 'staying in my place' and dropping hints and manipulative suggestions and 'bless your heart' comments.

During my second semester of school(only been out of it for about 5 months) I had a friend say straight out that I was being really judgemental(it was about a girl who was having sex with a couple different guys) and it really caught me off-guard. It really taught me a lesson, don't judge people. Everyone has to make decisions for themselves that they feel are right for them.

[Deleted08]

Figuring out grace. How to be graceful instead of a judgmental bitch.

I think you pegged what I'm having issues with.

Grace instead of rules. It's so simple but with fundiem salvation seemed so hard.

[The Larch]

For me it's the guilt constantly niggling at the back of my brain. No matter what I do or say or wear, there's some reason (not GOOD reasons, necessarily, but they're still there) for me to feel guilty about it. And our fundie relatives know it, and use guilt trips constantly because I'm awful about letting it get to me. Sometimes I feel confident about the choices that we're making and can forget about it all, but then other times...

It's exhausting. :(

Also, figuring out what to wear has been hard, though not the worst thing. I just feel really fashion-stupid.

[synchroswimr]

I just want to say thanks to all who are sharing in this thread. **big hugs** to all of you

[mrs]

For me it's the guilt constantly niggling at the back of my brain. No matter what I do or say or wear, there's some reason (not GOOD reasons, necessarily, but they're still there) for me to feel guilty about it. And our fundie relatives know it, and use guilt trips constantly because I'm awful about letting it get to me. Sometimes I feel confident about the choices that we're making and can forget about it all, but then other times...

It's exhausting. :(

Also, figuring out what to wear has been hard, though not the worst thing. I just feel really fashion-stupid.

I was not raised fundy but I am challenged with fashion. I try to buy one new/new to me piece of clothing each month. It's hard to go shopping "all at once" for a new wardrobe. I have found it to be less overwhelming if I do it one garment at a time. I also, limit my trips to one store when shopping.

[kittypie]

I still struggle with being honest and upfront and non-judgemental. My upbringing, with all the ridiculous rules, judgement, womanly submission, and shame and humiliation-based parenting taught me nothing better than how to hide and lie and manipulate. I am 20 years out and I still have OMG moments during clinical encounters where my non-rational brain thinks 'wow, I can't believe you'd admit to doing that!!'. I don't know why it still happens, I have done a zillion "sinful" things myself and have no holier-than-thou left, it just seems to be a deeply ingrained rule not to talk about personal 'failings'. My rational brain has to do the smack-down on that impulse unpleasantly regularly.

And I still have a hard time confronting issues in a blunt and honest fashion, rather than 'staying in my place' and dropping hints and manipulative suggestions and 'bless your heart' comments.

I totally relate.

[GenerationCedarchip]

wow. reading that just made me really sad. :(

Actually, I should clarify and say these were the hardest parts of coming out of fundie-ism for me because after all those years of indoctrination, it's hard to just throw off those old thought patterns and fears.

[Bookworm]

Feeling like flirting is bad. I have far fewer issues about modesty, sex, lust, etc., than I do with doing anything that can possibly be called flirting. The worst part is I can think of tons of flirty things to say but have no idea how other people flirt or what is okay at different stages.

[jesssnerch]

Seriously, I look back on some of the things I "believed" with whole and blind faith. I don't know how the curious and seeking brain of mine was so deadened that I was able to wholly accept that the world was 6K years old, dinosaurs and humans co-existed. The Arc. Adam and Eve and the snake. That I could ignore Science is something I am still ashamed of. I wasn't even homeschooled! But I was weaned on the koolaid, and this was pre-internet, so my information stream was very limited.

If you want to know the truth, I never bought that men were stronger than women. I choked on the word "obey" at my first wedding, and believe me, people noticed. I saw what the women in my world were responsible for, and required to have a happy demeanor. Men were allowed to be cranky after a day sitting in an office, or at least my father was, but my mother? Had to do it all and never complain. I always knew there was something wrong with the "Headship" model, but I didn't have the proper nomenclature for what I was feeling.

It took me a very long time to get over the assertion that not being able to bake a baby to full term was a punishment from God for something I did wrong, and that is the one thing I can never forgive the fundies for.

I'm not the overly touchy-feely type, but I just want to give you a hug for having to have felt like that.

[Maggie Mae]

I wasn't raised fundie, exactly, but my parents are older (at least once a year they were refered to as my grandparents) and they are/were religious. My dad more so than my mom (at least when I was a child). And I finally told my mom yesterday that I had a boyfriend. I'm 29, and that was the first time I was able to say "my boyfriend" to my mom. I can talk about my feelings on planned parenthood (good! choice=good!) and helping people with AIDS and welfare and politics, but I can't imagine talking about sex with my mom. And my dad was like "have you had a physical since you met this boy?" and i'm like ewwwww. I'm still afraid of the judgement. Which is stupid, but somehow part of me feels guilty and embarrassed.

[Godlesspanther-2-]

I was never in a xtian or any other major religious group. I did get into some New Age, Rainbow Family, hippie woo-woo garbage for a while.

Is there anything I miss about it? Honestly, no. Do I regret it? Not that either.

I guess I just see it as something that I did for a while and I don't anymore.

[emmyfair]

I grew up fundie-Catholic, Opus Dei and all that fun stuff. I struggle with scrupulosity like you would not believe. The guilt and second-guessing can be crushing at times, and I have nightmare after nightmare now that I'm out of the church, my soul really is going to burn in hell for all of eternity. Too many mortal sins to count. I wonder if I will ever get to simply be myself, without all of this conditioning tagging along. Hopefully.

[Angri-la]

":fqqt2v0x]I was never in a xtian or any other major religious group. I did get into some New Age, Rainbow Family, hippie woo-woo garbage for a while.

Is there anything I miss about it? Honestly, no. Do I regret it? Not that either.

I guess I just see it as something that I did for a while and I don't anymore.

Are you comparing spending a couple of summers doing 'shrooms, dancing around a fire for the Goddess, and wearing patchouli to being forcibly in a patriarchal fundamentalist Christian lifestyle? Because, honestly, in my mind, it is trivializing what others have gone through. Were you forced? Did you have to obey a man and follow a bunch of rules? I've hung out, tertiarially, with The Rainbow Family, and it was nothing like being forced into submission by preacher/father/husband.

If this was your idea of a joke, I didn't get it.

[Ex 2x2]

Hi all, LONG time lurker, first time poster. Hope it's ok to just jump in! For me, probably the worst thing is the lost relationships. It also bothers me that they all think I'm going to hell now. I don't lose sleep over it (anymore), but occasionally it bugs me. For years after leaving, I did lose sleep over it, and constantly worried that they were right and I was going to hell.

There's also something weird about knowing that other people don't understand the way I grew up. I wouldn't say that it's hard exactly. It's more that it's strange. The group I was in is not very well-known, so sometimes I think people think I'm making it up. It was actually a huge relief to me several years ago to find a lot of ex members online and even current members. I knew I wasn't making it up (lol), but sometimes the fact that no one has heard of them could make me feel alone. Or weird. I don't know how to explain it exactly. Sometimes I consider visiting just so my husband can see what it was like, but I'm afraid I'd get sucked back in. Very unlikely, but I know it would still feel somewhat like coming home to me.

Edited to ask: is my email address visible? It's highly unlikely, but I wouldn't necessarily want members of the group I was in to know that I'm posting about them.

[Triplet3]

Edited to ask: is my email address visible? It's highly unlikely, but I wouldn't necessarily want members of the group I was in to know that I'm posting about them.

No, it isn't. :)

[Kaylee]

The hardest part for me is in figuring out what I really do believe. I guess I really only went from extreme fundie to fundie-lite (or just regular fundie) by most standards, but there have been a lot of changes for me over the past few years. I worry that I'm still clinging to certain things and certain beliefs because I'm used to them, but that they are wrong and distorting the truth, but then I'm also afraid that some of my newer beliefs are just a reaction against extreme fundamentalism and they may be wrong, too.

I don't want to be judgmental and condemning but I am also scared at times that I might be accepting things that really are sinful and then leading others to think they're OK. It's really tempting to go back into my older fundamentalist worldview where everything was black and white because the answers seem easier there, but then I think of how many people have been hurt by it and that seems wrong, too.

It's like the world would make more sense if I could either believe totally in line with one of the fundamentalist churches/groups I've been around or just totally write off the idea of God altogether, but this idea of actually having to think for myself and figure out some sort of religious truth, combined with the idea that if I am wrong and lead someone down the wrong path that I could be part of the chain of events that condemns them to hell, scares the crap out of me at times.

[freejoytoo]

Don't you believe that people are already set to being elect or non-elect? How could your actions affect their fate?

[FlorenceHamilton]

Raine,

FWIW, I think that your feelings are normal. You are coming out of a system that frowns on thinking for oneself and you probably don't have a fully developed skill set for this. It will come in time. For now, try to hang on to the idea that being erroneous is not a sin. When you find a comfortable place in your belief, it will all fall into place.

Your post really made me want to give you a hug.

[Godlesspanther-2-]

Are you comparing spending a couple of summers doing 'shrooms, dancing around a fire for the Goddess, and wearing patchouli to being forcibly in a patriarchal fundamentalist Christian lifestyle? Because, honestly, in my mind, it is trivializing what others have gone through. Were you forced? Did you have to obey a man and follow a bunch of rules? I've hung out, tertiarially, with The Rainbow Family, and it was nothing like being forced into submission by preacher/father/husband.

If this was your idea of a joke, I didn't get it.

Not my intention to offend anyone or trivialize anything.

This is just my experience with religion. In comparison it's nothing. I'm aware of that.

[Kaylee]

Don't you believe that people are already set to being elect or non-elect? How could your actions affect their fate?

Yes, but there's still a disconnect there. I know I'm personally not going to be the deciding factor in a person going to hell or not, but I don't even want to be a part of the chain of events that leads up it, if that makes any sense. I guess I'm scared of ending up before God and hearing "You know when you told all those people I was OK with _____? You were wrong, and this is all the good stuff they missed out on because they listened to you."

[dairyfreelife]

During my second semester of school(only been out of it for about 5 months) I had a friend say straight out that I was being really judgemental(it was about a girl who was having sex with a couple different guys) and it really caught me off-guard. It really taught me a lesson, don't judge people. Everyone has to make decisions for themselves that they feel are right for them.

I look back and literally cringe when I think of how judgmental I was. I thought I wasn't, but I was. I was a Christian, I was doing the "right" things, I was right, they were all doing it wrong. Even if I didn't say it, I thought it. I don't regret that I was a part of it, because I can understand it and then better. The experience has made me a better person. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm better. It's a difficult transition, but so many things skived me out and occasionally still do, that aren't that bad. Being honest and not trying to get someone to see your way manipulatively was difficult for me as well. I still struggle at times with this.

[gingernut]

The hardest part for me is to come to my own ideas of who God is, if He or She exists, etc. I feel at peace most of the time but still have those moments of panic that I will burn in hell. Oh, and I am lonely. I lost all my friends, too.

[Angri-la]

":dqrjwz23]

Not my intention to offend anyone or trivialize anything.

This is just my experience with religion. In comparison it's nothing. I'm aware of that.

I appreciate your response and thank you for clarifying. I wasn't offended, but this is a sensitive subject, and I couldn't tell where you were coming from. I was trying to understand, as this was a thread about being an ex-fundie, and I could only imagine that you'd have to be into some crazy neo-hippie Moonie offshoot, if, indeed, your experience was somehow fundamentalist. That would be a fascinating read.

[holierthanyou]

The hardest part for me is in figuring out what I really do believe. I guess I really only went from extreme fundie to fundie-lite (or just regular fundie) by most standards, but there have been a lot of changes for me over the past few years. I worry that I'm still clinging to certain things and certain beliefs because I'm used to them, but that they are wrong and distorting the truth, but then I'm also afraid that some of my newer beliefs are just a reaction against extreme fundamentalism and they may be wrong, too.

I don't want to be judgmental and condemning but I am also scared at times that I might be accepting things that really are sinful and then leading others to think they're OK. It's really tempting to go back into my older fundamentalist worldview where everything was black and white because the answers seem easier there, but then I think of how many people have been hurt by it and that seems wrong, too.

It's like the world would make more sense if I could either believe totally in line with one of the fundamentalist churches/groups I've been around or just totally write off the idea of God altogether, but this idea of actually having to think for myself and figure out some sort of religious truth, combined with the idea that if I am wrong and lead someone down the wrong path that I could be part of the chain of events that condemns them to hell, scares the crap out of me at times.

Hugs.

ps. You are always one of my favourite posters.

[jjmennonite]

Low self esteem. I still struggle with this, after about 40 years of being out. Maybe this is not just a fundie issue but it is ingrained in the Mennonite religion - 'do not be proud' . Also, being raised by a strong woman who had to submit to a weak man made for a lot of passive/aggressive crap and manipulation, and made our family very dysfunctional. Also, having to raise myself, after rejecting the religion - no advice on safe drinking, safe sex . . .

Sorry, that is 3 worst things.