Worst thing about being an ex fundie...

[Deleted08]

I can't remember if we've done a thread like this.

For me it's avoiding headbands because they look like headcoverings.

I feel kind of scared to get more religious again because I'll worry about falling into

fundiesm again if my mood swings (bipolar) make me weird.

There are so many devout people but I'm really having a hard time getting back to God. When I followed

Quakerism it helped me get out of the final hurdle of fundamentalism but I've just been all over the map.

I feel like ever since leaving my brain is just muddled and all, or it's because I'm rapid cycling tonight

and spamming Tumblr LOL.

What's the worst thing for you all?

[dairyfreelife]

It was figuring out where I stood, for awhile I just didn't know what to think or believe. Leaving it though has been a major benefit. It's made me really open my eyes to the world around me, made me more empathetic and understanding.

The worst thing would have to be the questions. People ask what happened, what changed, why, etc. At that time, I was still trying to figure things out and didn't have much of an answer. Skirts. I still won't wear a skirt, even four years later.

[GenerationCedarchip]

I can't remember if we've done a thread like this.

For me it's avoiding headbands because they look like headcoverings.

I feel kind of scared to get more religious again because I'll worry about falling into

fundiesm again if my mood swings (bipolar) make me weird.

There are so many devout people but I'm really having a hard time getting back to God. When I followed

Quakerism it helped me get out of the final hurdle of fundamentalism but I've just been all over the map.

I feel like ever since leaving my brain is just muddled and all, or it's because I'm rapid cycling tonight

and spamming Tumblr LOL.

What's the worst thing for you all?

For me, it was being able to believe that people could love you even if you broke the rules sometimes.

Also, learning how to make decisions without worrying about what other people in my church might think.

[AmyP]

For me, it was being able to believe that people could love you even if you broke the rules sometimes.

Also, learning how to make decisions without worrying about what other people in my church might think.

wow. reading that just made me really sad. :(

[Angri-la]

For me it is the former fundie relatives who will not give up proselytizing and stalking me online like they are Scientologists, lo a decade and change since I, quite literally, ran away from them.

[emilymea]

For me it's never being able to know who I can trust. It's so engrained in me that "the world" isn't trust worthy and experience has told me that many religious people can't be trusted with confidences.

Luckily I have some friends who are proving to me that I can trust them. It's hard learning what healthy bondaries are after having your bounderies disregarded.

[snarkbillie]

Losing 100% of my friends. I only had friends at church because you didn't want to be friends with "unbelievers" because they might cause you to stumble. They're all gone now. I am slowly making new friends but it's a lot of baggage seeing how my old friends dropped me, I'm really guarded now.

[holierthanyou]

I find the worst thing is that I worry I will never be able to fully leave it. Part of the guilt and questioning will always be in the back of my mind I think,

[alysee]

The aunts and uncles were the worst. They blamed my parents because all three of us no longer go to church. I wear skirts but my sister doesn't and there is a lot of passive-aggressive conversations. The hardest part personally was figuring out who I was, and what were my OWN beliefs about the hard things.

[Deleted08]

I really appreciate all your replies, I don't feel so lost with everything.

I wear skirts but jeans if I want to. Vulvodynia makes my crotch hurt so

loose clothes are nice.

I want to be closer to God but I avoid anyone or anything I feel has an agenda.

I am so damned distrusting of everyone minus my immediate family, oy it's annoying.

[pixydust]

Figuring out what I believed for myself, and what rules would apply to my family.

[Veronica Mars Rover]

Changing details or making up entire stories about my childhood to avoid the ridicule of people who weren't fundie and would never understand. Depending on the audience, it's just easier to say, "Oh, my high school mascot was a Trojan!" or "My favorite Halloween costume was a frog!" than to explain that I was homeschooled and that trick-or-treating was forbidden.

The hardest thing right now is that I'm in a good place, but my fundie relatives are judging the hell out of everything that brings me joy. So I feel in between--not quite unfundie, because I have this background and these little guilts and thoughts that follow me around, but not at all fundie, either.

[kittypie]

Figuring out grace. How to be graceful instead of a judgmental bitch.

[alysee]

Figuring out what I believed for myself, and what rules would apply to my family.

Can I get an AMEN! LOL I had to question everything about what I was taught and now what I believed.

[Snickerdoodle]

Figuring out grace. How to be graceful instead of a judgmental bitch.

I would imagine that for people who leave fundamentalism but stay Christians, this is a big challenge, because you've been raised to believe that God's love is contingent on following rules and regulations, rather being loved just because you're loved.

[pixydust]

Can I get an AMEN! LOL I had to question everything about what I was taught and now what I believed.

Was it hard for you to let go of certain things, like creationism, the flood, or dinosaurs? I just had a logical think-out of the flood about 2 months ago! (I was reading "Water For Elephants", and Jacob was talking about how no one carries the water for the elephants, they drink too much...it was an aha moment if I ever had one! A boat with 2 elephants, 2 hippos, 2 giraffes, etc....it would sink with all of the fresh water that they would need for 40 days!). I haven't been in a church since I was 19, I'm 34 and I'm still figuring stuff out!

[fakepigtails73]

Losing 100% of my friends. I only had friends at church because you didn't want to be friends with "unbelievers" because they might cause you to stumble. They're all gone now. I am slowly making new friends but it's a lot of baggage seeing how my old friends dropped me, I'm really guarded now.

Sorry to read that.

You're brave to have quit it all, knowing you'd lose your friends in the process.

[alysee]

Sorry to read that.

You're brave to have quit it all, knowing you'd lose your friends in the process.

I lost all of my high school friends as well, luckily I had college that really I found my place.

I really struggled with the how do I feel about sex, homosexuality and gender roles. My fiancee and I didn't have sex until 5 years after we left the church. Way too much baggage.

[nolongerIFBx]

Losing the extremism without losing my faith.

[snarkbillie]

Was it hard for you to let go of certain things, like creationism, the flood, or dinosaurs? I just had a logical think-out of the flood about 2 months ago! (I was reading "Water For Elephants", and Jacob was talking about how no one carries the water for the elephants, they drink too much...it was an aha moment if I ever had one! A boat with 2 elephants, 2 hippos, 2 giraffes, etc....it would sink with all of the fresh water that they would need for 40 days!). I haven't been in a church since I was 19, I'm 34 and I'm still figuring stuff out!

It rained for 40 days, they were on there for 2 years. The more you read the story, the more you're like "WTF?!". I can't believe I totally thought it happened. :oops:

[Glass Cowcatcher]

It rained for 40 days, they were on there for 2 years. The more you read the story, the more you're like "WTF?!". I can't believe I totally thought it happened. :oops:

It was really hard for me to let go of the idea of demons, that certain things could invite demonic activity or possession.

[Angri-la]

It rained for 40 days, they were on there for 2 years. The more you read the story, the more you're like "WTF?!". I can't believe I totally thought it happened. :oops:

Seriously, I look back on some of the things I "believed" with whole and blind faith. I don't know how the curious and seeking brain of mine was so deadened that I was able to wholly accept that the world was 6K years old, dinosaurs and humans co-existed. The Arc. Adam and Eve and the snake. That I could ignore Science is something I am still ashamed of. I wasn't even homeschooled! But I was weaned on the koolaid, and this was pre-internet, so my information stream was very limited.

If you want to know the truth, I never bought that men were stronger than women. I choked on the word "obey" at my first wedding, and believe me, people noticed. I saw what the women in my world were responsible for, and required to have a happy demeanor. Men were allowed to be cranky after a day sitting in an office, or at least my father was, but my mother? Had to do it all and never complain. I always knew there was something wrong with the "Headship" model, but I didn't have the proper nomenclature for what I was feeling.

It took me a very long time to get over the assertion that not being able to bake a baby to full term was a punishment from God for something I did wrong, and that is the one thing I can never forgive the fundies for.

[alysee]

It took me a very long time to get over the assertion that not being able to bake a baby to full term was a punishment from God for something I did wrong, and that is the one thing I can never forgive the fundies for.

My deepest sympathies go out to you! My mother spent most days in prayer during her 20s, 30s and 40s praying the endometriosis away(not actually diagnosed til she was 45) and whatever else kept her from cooking a baby for very long. After about 45 she pretty much just let it go.

[Angri-la]

My deepest sympathies go out to you! My mother spent most days in prayer during her 20s, 30s and 40s praying the endometriosis away(not actually diagnosed til she was 45) and whatever else kept her from cooking a baby for very long. After about 45 she pretty much just let it go.

Appreciate it. I went out and bought one (*joke, she was chosen and adopted at 4) that was already made, so it worked out for me, but the guilt! I feel really sorry for women who remain in the movement and are barren; their whole identity is wrapped in fecundity.

[fundifugee]

I still struggle with being honest and upfront and non-judgemental. My upbringing, with all the ridiculous rules, judgement, womanly submission, and shame and humiliation-based parenting taught me nothing better than how to hide and lie and manipulate. I am 20 years out and I still have OMG moments during clinical encounters where my non-rational brain thinks 'wow, I can't believe you'd admit to doing that!!'. I don't know why it still happens, I have done a zillion "sinful" things myself and have no holier-than-thou left, it just seems to be a deeply ingrained rule not to talk about personal 'failings'. My rational brain has to do the smack-down on that impulse unpleasantly regularly.

And I still have a hard time confronting issues in a blunt and honest fashion, rather than 'staying in my place' and dropping hints and manipulative suggestions and 'bless your heart' comments.