This is guarding your heart?

[Burris]

As much as I dislike Smuggar, I do think that he loves Anna (and she loves him back). My problem with fundie courtships is that they're built up as the ultimate in romance, when in reality it's much closer to an arranged marriage borne out of practicality. It builds up false expectations of what love looks like in practice.

Both Anna and Smuggar grew up in large families, so they did get an eyeful of what love looks like in practice.

This might sound puritanical, but love - at first, anyway - looks like mutual service and mutual acceptance.

If two people are willing to help each other through thick and thin, and if they accept each other flaws and all, then they can probably marry and fall in love.

[Dinaberries]

Browngrl, your story sounds amazing!

My husband and I started talking online in April of 09, but didn't start talking regularly until May. We met in person in August of 09, since he had to fly from Sydney to Hawaii to see me. Between May and August, we had started to talk about how we wanted to see if a relationship would work between us. Within an hour of meeting me in person, he told me was in love with me, and I told him I felt the same. A month later, I flew to Sydney to stay with him for three months. Then I went home for a couple of months to tie up loose ends, say goodbye to people and ship some of my things over. In March of 2010, I came out here for good and we moved into our own place (prior to that, he had a roommate, who fortunately was totally cool about me staying with them for three months haha). In September of 2010, we got engaged, and we were married in February of 2011. I got pregnant the following month, and our son was born in December. So many of my friends and family thought I was absolutely insane to move to another country so quickly, to be with somebody I had only known for a few months, but I just knew it was the right thing. Our road to marriage wasn't as quick as it is for some, but it definitely was a lot faster than it was for any of our friends and family members.

But what makes it so different from fundie courtships and marriages is the fact that we both went into this with our eyes open. We had been in relationships in the past, and had learned from them. We made our decisions entirely on our own, and our families were not involved in them. We lived together before we got married, which was a lifesaver, since I got pregnant so quickly after the wedding, and I can't imagine getting used to living with a new person while being pregnant. The first year of marriage could have been a really stressful one for us, but it actually went very smoothly because we had already set up a home together and were accustomed to each other in a way that you can't be unless you have been living with someone. We also went into our relationship as equals and we remain so. And while we both feel very deeply that we will be together until death do us part, I know that if he did turn into an abusive asshole, that I would leave. Most of these women who are raised fundie are taught that you never, ever divorce under any circumstances. The way the men and women in this movement are brought up already lays the groundwork for unhealthy marriages, and when you combine that with courtship, there's so much opportunity for things to get ugly.

[atheistjd]

Oh my goodness - I love hearing all of these sweet "whirlwind romance" stories - the best part is that they are born of choice and consent and adult love though. And Browngrl, the 5 hours you spent getting to know your SO is probably much longer than many of these people get to spend together before marriage, sadly.

(me, we took the long route... married 7 years to the day after our first date, although we definitely knew it was meant to be after 6 months or less)

[nokidsmom]

Interesting stories, here. Very cool of everyone to share.

Mr. Nokidsmom and I met in September 1982 (at jury duty off all things!), but didn't go until our first date until the following month. I sorta knew after a few dates that he was "the One". We got officially engaged the following April of 1983 and married a year after that. Would have married sooner probably, but had to go through the whole wedding stuff to keep the families happy. I didn't expect to get married so soon, but frankly thought it would be a major mistake to pass it up. We are about to hit the 28 year mark next month.

We had both relationships prior to that so really knew what we wanted by the time we met. Actually, I was in an on-again/off again relationship with someone else at the time I met him, with things being "off" at the time. By the time, we went out, the other guy had decided that he wanted things to be "on" again, but I was tired of being with someone who couldn't quite decide, was afraid of marriage and I didn't have that issue with Mr. Nokidsmom. He went in with no hesitations; he really wanted to be with me.

[browngrl]

Interesting stories, here. Very cool of everyone to share.

I kind of love hearing everyone's stories.

On the other hand - fundie stories of courtship seem so contrived. They splash love, roses, romance and glitter all over their courtship story posts but for all their protests to the contrary I just don't find their stories heartwarming. It must be because all the real courtship is between daddy and future husband.

[emmiedahl]

My husband and I joke that we had an arranged marriage. I found out I was losing my housing in a week, he was the friend of a friend who had an extra room. He was a single dad and had not actively looked for a renter, but I just needed a place for my son and I to live for a month while I found a new apartment. I vaguely knew who he was and vice-versa because of the common friends. Anywho, I moved in and within a week we were functioning like a family, splitting chores and stuff. We loved each other's kids. The thought of moving out was difficult because everything just clicked. At some point we started dating and sleeping together and figured, why not make it legal? So I married a man who was twice my age within months of meeting him. It's a little scandalous, but whatever.

It sounds bad, but I loved him in that warm family way. I have romantic feelings for a lot of people, but Mr. Emmiedahl was The One. Here we are, more than a decade later, still happy.

But I was a working woman with my head on my shoulders. And our families did not approve this match for a while. His parents were really weirded out by the situation and my family just did not like him at first.

[mockingbird]

I love hearing all the whirlwind romance stories too! And I love all of them, but Emmiedahl, yours just stood out to me, I feel like that would make a great plot for a romantic movie! I could just see everything playing out in my head. LOL Sorry if that's weird. Probably just means you did a good job describing it.

But I agree that simply by functioning in normal society all of you had a better idea of what you were getting into - what love is vs. infatuation, what you wanted in a partner (besides fake fundy romance), goals for yourself, etc. The fundies don't even get the chance to really get to know themselves and figure out if what they want to do in life matches up with their parents' beliefs. I also don't think they have a healthy set of boundaries and probably don't listen to their gut feelings of something being wrong because they've never been given other options. I'd venture to say that even a person-raised-in-secular-society who hasn't dated at all probably has a healthier and more realistic ideas about relationships than fundies do. I haven't so maybe that's just a big assumption, but I feel like I know what my red flags would be thanks to past friendships and just being raised to know it's okay to listen to my gut in creepy or controlling situations. Like, I DON'T think it's okay for a future boyfriend/partner to control everything I do and would probably run if he seriously suggested I should be more submissive. I could see myself committing to someone pretty quickly if I got the right feeling. I had a random roommate this year, and after about a week of living together I knew we would be really close friends (and I was right). That's not the first time I've had that feeling with someone - sometimes you just click with people. But I know the difference between really "clicking" with someone (or loving them) and thinking they are hot or deciding you're meant to be just because they're the first person to show serious romantic interest in you.

[Anise]

I think a major differences between the stories shared here and the courtships are that the relationships were not forced, but naturally happened rather than artificially created as in courtships.

[Sola]

There are quite a few people who would look down on Mr Sola and I. You see he was married when we met. I will qualify that by saying when we actually got together he was separated.

It was my first job after leaving uni, I started there in the September and met Mr Sola the first day. And I hated his guts! He seemed overbearing, loud, obnoxious and I was more than a little nervous as it was my first day. He cracked at joke at my expense at break time and I tore a strip off him!

At that time he was still living with his wife but they had separated and reconciled many times (she's a bit of a bunny boiling psycho). In the October they separated again, then reconciled only to separate again in the December. We had the office party a few weeks later and that was when Mr Sola and I got together. We spent the next couple of weeks alternating between having a great time and wondering how his soon-to-be-ex wife would take it. In between Christmas and New year we succumbed to our libidos and did the dirty deed and in the first week of January he moved out of his mother's house (where he had moved out to when he separated from Psycho-ex) and moved in with me. His divorce came through in the August and we got married 3 years later.

He had a hell of a time getting his divorce, his ex was a bunny boiling psycho from hell who did everything to stop the divorce. In the end the only way he could get one without waiting for a no fault divorce was to agree to admit adultery. Technically I suppose he did commit adultery, he was still legally married to her but separated when we got together. In the end she was being so obstructive that I told him to agree to it, as in the grand scheme of things it didn't matter. It got the divorce and she got to feed her persecution complex.

We're still VERY happily married twenty years later.

[debrand]

Both Anna and Smuggar grew up in large families, so they did get an eyeful of what love looks like in practice.

This might sound puritanical, but love - at first, anyway - looks like mutual service and mutual acceptance.

If two people are willing to help each other through thick and thin, and if they accept each other flaws and all, then they can probably marry and fall in love.

If you respect one another and have a sexual attraction, you can probably fall in love.

My husband and I had one of those love at first sight moments. We got engaged on the first date, four days after meeting one another. But we also had a rocky engagement as we fall in and out of love with another. We fought a lot and were sometimes spitful with one another. When we married, it took two years until we stoppped fighting with one another. Because the beginning of our marriage was based more on lust than real love, we had problems.

After coming very close to divorce, we simply decided that we were tired of all the arguments. We changed our way of disagreeing and learned to respect on another. Once we learned to respect one another, we fell in real love.

We still argue but those passionate, over the top arguments are thankfully gone

[gravelmonkey]

Has anyone ever done any research on how this type of very rapid courtship and marriage fares in the long run? These folks look happy in their pictures and they post happy, but don't any of them ever later think that it went too fast? That he/she isn't as nice as he/she seemed?

These girls seem to meet someone who has expressed a desire to court and marry and, lo and behold, they're in love!!!111!!!!! And he is the best EVER!!! So manly, so sweet, so strong, so godly; daddy picked such a great guy! When the initial infatuation wears off, what happens? I can't see that they ALL actually do find that their new brides/grooms are just as wonderful as they were in the beginning. Can all of them really end up loving each other?

I think that for some, they just repeat that they are in love and are happy until they believe it. Ann Voskam did have a story about panicking after marriage and growing to love her husband.

aholyexperience.com/2010/06/5-ways-to-make-marriage-last/

(warning: blog contains background music)