advice for woman with gay husband

[clarinetpower]

Raine, please ignore my previous reply. I've since deleted it. It was written before I read what really was happening, and my kids distracted me before I could hit publish.

My heart goes out to you. I know you want to make this work, but I'd like to suggest something.

Imagine, just for a minute, what life would be like without these issues. What it would be like to just be Raine, and your son's mother. Who you would be.

What do you feel?

Now, are you sure you want to stay?

[lovefromgirl]

I'm not sure what I'm going to do right now. We've talked some over the past few days, and have plans to talk more and to try to find a counselor we both agree on. I know most people would just say leave, and I've found out he's been getting the same advice, but we do both want to stay together (not just because of our son, we still love each other and do still have good times, just a lot less than we used to - it's complicated).

It sounds like you two are trying to communicate more, and it also sounds like that's where most of the problems have been stemming from, as well as your father-in-law.

It almost doesn't matter what your husband's orientation is at this point. Right now, he is in a monogamous relationship with you. That's the focus. You two are absolutely right to be putting the kink/poly/whatnot discussion on hold. "Relationship broken? Add more people" is a bad joke for a reason.

He says a lot of the whole push to try new things was thinking that a change or some variety might make our relationship better (one of his dad's brilliant ideas), and that he thought being with other guys might help me get the attention and affection I needed that he didn't seem to be able to give me (I think he gets it now that it wasn't just that I want those things from anyone, I want them from him).

I feel you on that. Beloved and I have worked through something similar and concluded that, yes, it really is about who you're with, not just having a warm body. Sounds like a symptom of self-esteem issues on your husband's part--maybe he's feeling interchangeable. Not through anything you're doing! Humans have a remarkable ability to convince ourselves of totally nonsensical things.

Best of luck, and much love.

[gracegrace]

Big hugs and support from here.

I agree that there are elements of this that are emotionally abusive. I don't know where you live, but I'd suggest calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE); they can give you referrals to local resources where you are. That can include counseling for you, a chance to sort out what your options are, and just a listening ear. You definitely don't need to be in a physically violent relationship to call the hotline, so don't let that worry you.