Dillards 77: Sex Advice from Smoochie Sweetie Sweet Muffin

[bella8050]

I clearly have too much time on my hands because I don't have a husband to greet at the door and fawn over:

 

Spoiler

 

[Deleorean88mph]

4 hours ago, HermioneSparrow said:

I thought she was preggo, now I wish I never opened this thread. Ewww

That which has been seen cannot be unseen!

[BachelorToTheRapture]

She also fails to mention other forms of intimacy. My husband often prefers back rubs, showers together (which sometimes lead to more) or cuddling to sex, especially if I'm not 100% feeling it. Beyond her internalized misogyny, she just misses that there is more to intimacy than sex.

I also hate that she says not to share your insecurities about your body. A good husband will help you with those things. In my experience (including anecdotes from friends), they often cant see what we think is a bad change, or even like the parts of our bodies we're insecure about, and if they know they can point out what they like about things we're insecure about. (Ignore how awkwardly I worded all that as though the world is a group marriage ?)

The idea of always being available is awful for so so many reasons. Physical, emotional, plus it does not help you bond and see sex as a good thing. Also, if she's going to focus on sex so much perhaps she should mention that you should be able to laugh about things that don't work as they should or weird bodily noises that happen. Those kinds of things eventually happen, it's important to deal with them together and not let them be an issue. 

In my opinion, it makes it seem like her marriage is bad that they are constantly looking for marriage advice and watching videos/filling out workbooks about improving their marriage. Either she exaggerates how often they do it or their marriage is far more difficult than most. 

Really, the only good advice she has is to seek out a licensed counselor. 

[Beermeet]

3 hours ago, nickelodeon said:

No, having all your kids gather round the front door to welcome Papi home with adoring cheers lest he forget for a moment that he’s the most important person on the planet! Though I’m sure Michelle would be very proud of the Dillard kids taking after her and becoming cheerleaders.

Generally, this naturally happens when your kids are young and you're home with them all day. I've been there and it was fun and sweet. The kids get so exited when daddy comes home! I was stoked and happy to have another adult. It goes away as they get older. My daughter is 12 and still greets either one of us all happy after spending the day apart. My son to lesser degree at 16 but, he still loves us and enjoys all of us being back home together.  Neither need to be crazy happy like they were at 3. That would be weird to force. We are secure in our love. 

[HideousGreenShirt]

4 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

 sad, weird, and unhealthy. 

The unfortunate tagline for the Dillard family. 

[Kayleigh83]

Huh. Just so, so much to unpack here.... wow.

-the urging to have as much sex as possible regardless of what you actually want is just.... ?? If you WANT to have that much sex, great. But if you feel like you need to go to a counselor because you don’t feel like having sex ALL the time,  that might not actually be what you should be going to a counselor for.....

-going out of your way (within reason) to show appreciation and do little things for your partner is great, but so much of this seems OTT and needless... like showering before bed for him? 

-some of the advice I think isn’t too bad even for normies like us lol.... not “parenting” your partner in either direction, not brushing fights under the rug, not letting your kids call the shots in your home etc.

Some of the advice is an interesting look at how Jill was raised vs how Derrick was and what they each expected from marriage and had to navigate. Like the not always asking for permission stuff especially. It made me think she must have been VERY subservient and clingy in the beginning (even more so than now) and even Derrick may have been overwhelmed by such a dependent wife.

Makes me wonder if some of the seeming strain between him and Ma and Pa Duggar came from his frustration with them over encouraging that behavior in Jill. BUT, interesting that it seems it was only this behavior he eventually discouraged in Jill (ie: behavior that put more responsibility for decisions and “adulting” back on Derrick) but not other behaviors like being available for sex 24/7 or staring in unbridled devotion the entire time he talks. He let that carry on as is it seems...

[nst]

do you all think this is her wedding anniversary gift to us - entertaining us 5 years later ?even more than wedding 

[VelociRapture]

35 minutes ago, Beermeet said:

Generally, this naturally happens when your kids are young and you're home with them all day. I've been there and it was fun and sweet. The kids get so exited when daddy comes home! I was stoked and happy to have another adult. It goes away as they get older. My daughter is 12 and still greets either one of us all happy after spending the day apart. My son to lesser degree at 16 but, he still loves us and enjoys all of us being back home together.  Neither need to be crazy happy like they were at 3. That would be weird to force. We are secure in our love. 

I’m a SAHM with an almost 2.5 year old and a dog. They LOVE to excitedly greet my husband when he comes home each night. I usually join in because it’s just funny how excited they both get and it puts a huge smile on my husband’s face to see everyone all happy to see him like that. My siblings and I did the same thing with our dogs and dad when we were little too. So that part of the post actually seemed pretty normal to me. 

I also got the sense that she wasn’t saying the kids should cheer you on as you kiss. I think she was saying adding a kiss into that kind of welcome home that’s already happening naturally is a nice way to greet him after a day apart. I can’t disagree with that if that was what she meant, though giving a specific length of time to kiss for is definitely weird. 

ETA: She does seem to explain a bit more in the Instagram comments that intimacy and closeness is more than just being available for sex. She responded to some comments mentioning that carving out time together to do stuff like enjoy a treat or bake cookies or listen to a podcast can be great ways to connect with one another too. I’d actually agree with that, as well as the other things mentioned by posters here as well. Feeling connected to your spouse or partner can look different for everyone, so my advice would be to just do what feels right for your relationship rather than take advice from a former reality star who is married to a massive tool. 

And I do think it’s good that she at least seems comfortable talking about sex, even though some of the advice is weird or sad. I would be interested to see what type of advice Derick would offer to husbands though, mostly because I’m curious just how many times I’d end up saying “What the fuck?!”

Edited June 4, 2019 by VelociRapture

[feministxtian]

1 hour ago, SillyDillys said:

I'm still repulsed that my parents had a sex life when they were married and I'm almost 23. That is just so weird. I can imagine jill telling Israel and samuel "okay when I kiss daddy what do we say? YAAY!"

Fucking total gagfest 

I know my parents had sex at least twice. I'm 55 and it still grosses me out. 

[nst]

https://people.com/tv/jill-duggar-discusses-sex-life-husband-derick-dillard-gives-tips/ and usmagazine as well

people magazine is covering it now.

i smell a cover brewing 

 

 

[Beermeet]

3 minutes ago, VelociRapture said:

 

I also got the sense that she wasn’t saying the kids should cheer you on as you kiss. I think she was saying adding a kiss into that kind of welcome home that’s already happening naturally is a nice way to greet him after a day apart. I can’t disagree with that if that was what she meant, though giving a specific length of time to kiss for is definitely weird. 

Agree on the cheering on the kissing. I'm not gonna lie, I was so appreciative of my husband when I was a SAHM. My grandmother said, treat him like a king! And, I did. Not Duggar style, but in our own way. I loved being a SAHM. My husband loved it too. We're always saying we were born in the wrong time. Lol! But, I really don't think so. I had a choice. We had a choice. And, that is gold!  

Enjoy this time @VelociRapture. It's an amazing time in one's life if that is what you want and can afford to. I felt very lucky and I did love the traditional, old timey way of doing family when the kids were young. I only worked 2 days a week for years after youngest turned 3. I just loved it. I'm glad you can have this time in your family as you and husband are mutually wanting.  Hope you are feeling well in your pregnancy!  Best time of my life, what you are doing right now. I miss it. 

[VelociRapture]

3 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

I know my parents had sex at least twice. I'm 55 and it still grosses me out. 

My grandma had a very bad case of Pneumonia about ten years ago and she became quite loopy for a while as a result*. My uncle - her youngest child - was visiting at some point while she was loopy and she made some sort of comment about sex. I don’t remember what it was, but my uncle’s response was to jokingly state that his parents only had sex four times and each time resulted in a baby**. Your comment made me laugh because it just reminded me of that. ?

*She thankfully made a full recovery and is still happily trucking along at the age of 87.  

**My kids better not say that because I’ll very happily explain just how much their father and I enjoy having sex if they do. Part of being a parent is occasionally traumatizing your children after all. Lol!

[onekidanddone]

2 hours ago, QuiverFullofBooks said:

Clutching my pearls...can’t say the thread title didn’t warn me. Some thoughts on reading the full blog post:

* Their five-year anniversary is coming up. We’re going to be hearing a lot about that. Wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a pregnancy announcement.

* Mandatory Jesus blather. Now on with the sex talk! She’s totally hinting that everybody should do oral sex. 

* Some decent advice: communicate, go to counseling, don’t stay in an abusive relationship, don’t interrupt (I’ll bet she had to work on that one), don’t put each other down (I’ll bet he had to work on that one).

* Putting on lotion lets him know you’re up for fun! Oh God, Jill, that’s way too much information.

* Then there are several suggestions for keeping your husband happy that make me a little uncomfortable, especially put together. It’s easy to infer that Derick dislikes it when Jill delegates tasks to him, spends money, fails to appear fascinated by his blathering, or doesn’t heap praise on him for everything.

* It seems pretty clear that Derick has understandably convinced her to text emojis instead of calling him constantly. But using Find My Friends to coordinate the nightly welcome-home ceremony is still way too clingy!

* Try to keep the kids on a sleep schedule so you can have time alone in the evening. (Lacking older children in the house, they can’t just go to the bedroom while the kids run wild like her parents.) 

* She has to pray for the ability to give him her undivided attention! He’s boring and you’re busy, Jill. It’s cool.

* This is way too long. There’s a reading list at the end. It’s great that she’s working on the marriage, but I wonder if it’s a sign that there are serious problems. 

I’d love to get honest reactions from the other Duggars on the talking heads! Too bad that won’t happen.

My husband, daughter and I all have the find my friends app on our phones.  I wanted to have an idea where my kid was once she stared going places with friends and walking around town on her own. 

Hubby and I don’t really need to stalk each other, but knowing we could find each other in an emergency is a good thing. 

Sometimes Mr. OneKid will share his Waze trip with me if he is out of town and driving home. No I don’t go running to greet him and OneKid is 15 so he is lucky if he gets a grunt from behind a closed door 

[feministxtian]

Just now, VelociRapture said:

snip

**My kids better not say that because I’ll very happily explain just how much their father and I enjoy having sex if they do. Part of being a parent is occasionally traumatizing your children after all. Lol!

Oh yes...when the kids could hear us enjoying ourselves...it was wonderful!!! 

[onekidanddone]

9 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

I know my parents had sex at least twice. I'm 55 and it still grosses me out. 

La la la can’t hear you

[Beermeet]

Whenever I'm like, "the kids could hear!" He was all " that's what headphones are for. It's our house so be it"  lmao. 

Super funny family story ( oh yeah, it spread). My 40 yr old cousin walked in on her parents, who were about 75-80, having sex. She just assumed that wouldn't be happening.  Never assume! My great Auntie was ON TOP!  My cousin fled and called her siblings to freak out with because, if she had to go through it, so did they!  Ha! Go granny.  It's a yuck and a go on with your bad self thing all rolled into one. Oh, the elders cared not at the intrusion, just um, please knock next time!  Ha! Rufus bless it. We should all be so lucky!!!

[Bazinga]

Ok, with all this talk on kids hearing parents having sex, I need a quick poll of your kids' friends hearing you have sex. I'm still traumatized over hearing my best friends parents having very LOUD sex (I'm talking moaning, dirty talk, wall hitting, the whole nine yards) when I was staying over. I'm still super squicked out about it. So what say you, yay or neigh to sex when the friends are over?

[Sacrilicious Twerk-a-Work]

20 bucks they conceived their kids after running a Yahoo search.
Joyfully, of course. 

 

[Beermeet]

5 minutes ago, Bazinga said:

Ok, with all this talk on kids hearing parents having sex, I need a quick poll of your kids' friends hearing you have sex. I'm still traumatized over hearing my best friends parents having very LOUD sex (I'm talking moaning, dirty talk, wall hitting, the whole nine yards) when I was staying over. I'm still super squicked out about it. So what say you, yay or neigh to sex when the friends are over?

NAY!! I mean, have it but be very very quiet and super stealth. Which is sexy too!   I would also like to add ,at night only. Imho.

Once, my friends mom and her bf took us to the bar/restaurant, mostly bar with video games. Mid to late 80's, totes normal.  Well, when we got back to their house, they holed up in their room for hours. Not much noise but, yeah. I had to call my dad to come get me. They were supposed to drive me home. My dad asked why. I totally forget what I said.  Ew. My poor friend was way more disturbed and embarrassed than I was. I was just trying to smooth it over to make it easier on her. 

[nst]

10 minutes ago, Bazinga said:

Ok, with all this talk on kids hearing parents having sex, I need a quick poll of your kids' friends hearing you have sex. I'm still traumatized over hearing my best friends parents having very LOUD sex (I'm talking moaning, dirty talk, wall hitting, the whole nine yards) when I was staying over. I'm still super squicked out about it. So what say you, yay or neigh to sex when the friends are over?

i have heard fellow neighbors having sex on numerous occasions. The first time I had to go sleep in the kitchen because our bedrooms were so close together. They did it all afternoon and night. 

the second time I heard a girl having sex next door she kept repeating to him - come for me come for me

I ended up sleeping on my hallway floor.  

 

[Bazinga]

4 minutes ago, nst said:

i have heard fellow neighbors having sex on numerous occasions. The first time I had to go sleep in the kitchen because our bedrooms were so close together. They did it all afternoon and night. 

the second time I heard a girl having sex next door she kept repeating to him - come for me come for me

I ended up sleeping on my hallway floor.  

 

Oh man, this brings me back to my college days. So many late nights having to be subjected to my neighbors sexcapades. Always made for some awkward hellos when we would leave for class around the same time.

Edited June 4, 2019 by Bazinga

[nst]

3 minutes ago, Bazinga said:

Oh man, this brings me back to my college days. So many late nights having to be subjected to my neighbors. Always made for some always hellos when we would leave for class around the same time.

the first neighbor knocked on my door for something the next day. I couldn't look him in the eye. 

the second I hated because she was a notorious party animal. . I complained to council about her...needless to say nothing happened and i sold my apartment because of her and we were supposed to be bought out by a big real estate company and i lost out on $900k and was only able to sell it for $500k...which means when a payout is imminent find a way to keep it until the payout will eventually come.  

 

 

Edited June 4, 2019 by nst

[SportsgalAnnie]

Jill, Repeat after me:

I am a strong independent, capable woman who has her own mind and can do what I want. 

I own my body.

My opinion matters, If I say no I mean NO. 

[Smee]

I swear, one of the biggest advantages to our sex life was losing the shame around masturbation. Jill’s “do it ALL THE TIME so he doesn’t do it himself” is exhausting and damaging thinking. My version of being “joyfully available” is taking some pics or something when I AM in the mood, so he and Mrs Palmer have some encouragement when I’m not. That way he feels like I’m a part of things and supportive of his sexuality, and I don’t have to put out when I don’t feel like it.

Also, I remember a few times as an older teen when my sister and I planned to run down the hall, give our dad a hug and say “hi daddy!” when he got home. It was amusing to do on rare occasion, because he’d look at us warily and go “what did you do?”

[Glasgowghirl]

5 hours ago, Lurker said:

Her desperate need for attention goads her into doing stupider things than usual whenever Jessa is involved.  She must be so pea green jealous of Jessa that just delivered an adorable baby girl without a C Section.  Jessa is even getting positive feedback on the name  she chose.  

 

 

This, Jill seemed to love the fact her and Derick got married and conceived before Ben and Jessa did and I think she is jealous that Jessa had her second and third child before her and now has a daughter. Jessa and Ben have also had more stability in their first few years of marriage. No moving around, Ben as far as we know still works for Jim Bob and is doing some classes and isn't on social media every five minutes starting drama.