Dillards 77: Sex Advice from Smoochie Sweetie Sweet Muffin

[HarleyQuinn]

2 hours ago, nst said:

https://people.com/tv/jill-duggar-discusses-sex-life-husband-derick-dillard-gives-tips/ and usmagazine as well

people magazine is covering it now.

i smell a cover brewing 

 

 

Ugh no. Dumb and Dumber shouldn't make money off her shitty advice.

[PainfullyAware]

I was pretty surprised by the advice to

-make your own decisions

- it's okay to abstain from sex for health/life reasons

- talk to a licensed (christian) counselor regularly 

-get away somewhere safe in an abusive relationship 

Which just shows what a low bar Gotthard set and the parental Duggars advertised.

But the fact that the joyfully available crap and fawning regularly shows how limited any progress has been.

Like drinking extra cups of coffee so you can give the proper amount of excited attention to anything and everything your husband wants to say after your day wrangling toddlers?! Or showering and putting on lotion in the evening just to advertise your continual availability... ugh!  Patriarchy always claims ownership over your bodily decisions first!

 

[Daisy0322]

So 3-4 times is pretty normal for me and my husband but I'm pregnant right now and I feel like shit so it's been about a month. But we still cuddle and things. I would hate to feel like I had to though. What a odd concept that you both have to have sex if you want to or not. At that point since they claim to not use birth control it's really just procreation. I am mostly a SAHM I work about 6 nights a month because I graduated when I was pregnant and like using my degree and I did teach our almost 2 year old to run to the window to wave at daddy as he pulls in the drive way but main because he kept getting knocked by the door when my husband came in ?. Some of her advice isn't all that bad but it just seems like a lot to remember. I sense that she feels a lot of pressure to be the perfect wife. Maybe not even from derek as much as her community?

[Perrierwithlemon]

3 minutes ago, Daisy0322 said:

I sense that she feels a lot of pressure to be the perfect wife. Maybe not even from derek as much as her community?

I have a lot of Christian friends acquaintances, and there seems to just be a lot of pressure in general (to get married, be a good wife, overshare your marriage on social media, etc.) I had to unfollow so many of them since it was flooding my social media with engagement announcements, wedding pictures, and lengthy posts about marriage. Since none of them are Quiverfull, there isn't much pressure (that I'm aware of) to have kids.

But I'd imagine that there is a lot of pressure on Jill. I have a small hunch that Derick may not be placing too much pressure on her right now since he is occupied with law school -- I've heard that the first year is more difficult. I only think this because of his tweet: "A godly mother is not recognized by donning skirts, having long hair, or tattoo-free skin..." Sure, that doesn't have anything to do with sex, but still... he seems pretty relaxed in terms of his physical standards. It's laughable that he said that because that goes against The Transformed Wife's viral blog post. As a side note -- I'm doing pre-law/undergrad right now, and I even can't imagine maintaining a marriage or a relationship (especially to Duggar standards).

But that pressure still exists. She may even be unconsciously placing pressure on herself because of how she was raised. Likely other women/mothers at her church are placing pressure on her, as well as her other influences (such as any blogs or books she may read). There are a number of Christian(ish) bloggers writing their versions of "sex-positive" blog posts. The scary thing with pressure is that it doesn't even need to be said -- just felt. So yeah, definitely agree. Most people don't just give unsolicited sex advice, so I think that there must have had to be some kind of pressure, right? And that pressure could have come from anywhere -- probably even a combination of sources. 

[squiddysquid]

I'd say if you want somebody waiting at the door, joyfully jumping into your arms every time you get home, get a dog.

Given the Duggar's track record with the mysteriously disappearing pets and Derick's cat incident - better not.

Edited June 4, 2019 by squiddysquid
Did some body else catch that bit with the tracking app? You know , so you have an exact ETA to give you enough time to prepare? Red.Flag.

[bella8050]

Yeah checking the gps on his phone to see exactly when he's going to be home  is creepy to me if its just for an average day at work/school. Also wondering if that's an easy excuse to check up on him. I bet Josh has to have that feature on 24/7, accountability and all.

[luv2laugh]

Derick asked everyone what he should write a blog post about. I wouldn’t put it past him to tell Jill to write about THE SEX. Why? He knew it would go viral and give him $$$$$. All of the clicks!!!

[lumpentheologie]

This post really just shows how emotionally and intellectually stunted Jill is.  She needs clear rules for everything so she can know she's doing the right thing.  Kiss for 6 seconds.  Have sex 3-4 times a week.  Put on lotion before bed.  Whether you feel like it or not.  Doing what's right for you in a given situation would require thinking, being in touch with your feelings, communicating with your partner, and making decisions, and those skills have all been trained out of her.  How sad to kiss your partner because you feel like you're supposed to and not because you want to. I wouldn't want to be kissed like that. 

[VelociRapture]

7 hours ago, Glasgowghirl said:

This, Jill seemed to love the fact her and Derick got married and conceived before Ben and Jessa did and I think she is jealous that Jessa had her second and third child before her and now has a daughter. Jessa and Ben have also had more stability in their first few years of marriage. No moving around, Ben as far as we know still works for Jim Bob and is doing some classes and isn't on social media every five minutes starting drama. 

 

Again with the claims about Jill being jealous she doesn’t have a daughter. As far as I recall there is no evidence to support that statement or to suggest she’s not happy with her two boys. The most I remember is Cathy being a bit of an ass during the sex reveal for Sam and Jill seeming uncomfortable because of that - which, to be fair, is a pretty valid way to react considering she was being filmed for the show and she’s never seemed like the type of person who is good with confrontation. 

[HarleyQuinn]

37 minutes ago, VelociRapture said:

Again with the claims about Jill being jealous she doesn’t have a daughter. As far as I recall there is no evidence to support that statement or to suggest she’s not happy with her two boys. The most I remember is Cathy being a bit of an ass during the sex reveal for Sam and Jill seeming uncomfortable because of that - which, to be fair, is a pretty valid way to react considering she was being filmed for the show and she’s never seemed like the type of person who is good with confrontation. 

Eh, I think there's been enough passive aggressive things to read into to support that statement tbh. Plus I tend to think anyone who tweets with the #boymom hashtag are the ones salty they don't have one of each or a girl, at least with my experience. 

[finnlassie]

I think I feel more uncomfortable knowing the fact that one of my best friends has sex pretty much every day at least twice a day, than reading what Jill just blurted out.

(There's some more details to my friend having lots of sex with her hubs but I'll spare you all)

[church_of_dog]

Years ago, I had a short relationship with a guy who turned out to be a huge dumpster fire (nearly literally ).  We lived in adjacent towns and I would sometimes come to his place prepared to stay a day or two.  I would walk through the door with an overnight bag on one arm, the dog on her leash in the other hand, the dog bed tucked under an arm, plus any groceries etc I had picked up.  My friend would come greet me/open the door and embrace me -- not for a brief welcome kiss but it would go on and on, a full-on making out kiss.  I would think "could we possibly wait until I put down all the stuff?"  Of course by itself this is super minor, but it did turn out to be a good indication of his inability to put things in perspective or understand another person's point of view.

[karen77]

5 hours ago, luv2laugh said:

Derick asked everyone what he should write a blog post about. I wouldn’t put it past him to tell Jill to write about THE SEX. Why? He knew it would go viral and give him $$$$$. All of the clicks!!!

I misread this as "All of the dicks!!!" lmao!

[SassyPants]

Last night, during my usual bout of insomnia, I was thinking about this. Does anyone think Michelle wedged these concepts in between perpendicular and bankruptcy at the SOTDRT? Were they part of an actual exam?

Your husband ( or you, if you’re a male) walk through the door after work (ha ha), how long should your wife kiss you?  Please give your answer in seconds.

[squiddysquid]

Well, Michelle had an ovulation calendar. However, her daughters would be the ones to remind her to have sex that day

[Jinder Roles]

I’m fixated on Jill’s point of seeking help for “struggling with sex”. 

Evangelicalism (even when they don't outright demonize sex) encourages you to shut down thoughts, urges & desires until marriage. We’ve heard them talk about desires that can’t be “righteously fulfilled” 

There’s also a core belief of the “flesh” getting in the way of your spiritual growth in God (your purest form). Then all of a sudden you’re married and Boom! It’s just supposed to switch on. 

Now combine that with pressure to please your husband. Your sexuality is never your own. Your sexual self can literally only exist when it’s attached your spouse (see Jill’s point about masturbation). And you exist in this weird duality between frequent sexual intimacy and separating yourself from your “wicked flesh” for God. 

This type of teaching is a breeding ground for all types of repression and sexual trauma. Which you can’t even talk about because you’re now expected to be please your headship and get off from that. Ugh. 

[luv2laugh]

51 minutes ago, SassyPants said:

Last night, during my usual bout of insomnia, I was thinking about this. Does anyone think Michelle wedged these concepts in between perpendicular and bankruptcy at the SOTDRT? Were they part of an actual exam?

Your husband ( or you, if you’re a male) walk through the door after work (ha ha), how long should your wife kiss you?  Please give your answer in seconds.

I bet Michelle quizzed Jill on this with the pre-marital workbook.

[19tacos&counting]

If D and Jill are having sex 3-4 times a week every week, every month, every year, I’m pretty sure they have to be doing some NFP. 

Secondary infertility is a real thing but you would think if they were actually 100% leaving it up to god, and weren’t pregnant after almost 2 years of unprotected sex 3-4 times a week, something would be a little off. 

 

 

[BlondeIdol]

This whole thing makes Jill seem like she hasn’t grown up yet. I find it sad that she wrote this like she thinks she had some kind of authority on fundie marriage. She probably thinks she is an authority on all marriage, I guess.

Some of it wasn’t bad advice but a lot of that I’d throw into the common sense pile. Also, now I know that Jill has trouble separating JB and her husband and that is just ew. 

Dillards! You don’t need a social media presence. You just like attention. Pls stop.

[luv2laugh]

I don’t think Derick and Jill are Quiverfull. Jill has become very close with Cathy and Cathy was not Quiverfull. I don’t think Derick wants a ton of kids and I believe he told Jill that he wanted to do NFP, “pull out”, or some sort of BC... I think Jill is really sad and her marriage is not what she expected.

Edited June 4, 2019 by luv2laugh

[Markie]

I think Jill and Derrick went to counseling and the therapist suggested she not ask for permission from Derrick for every little thing and to not mother him. Those were two of Jill’s recommendations. I imagine it is hard going from being ruled on every minute thing in your life by your father to getting married and expected to make decisions for yourself. Jill was the second sibling married in her family. She saw Josh and Anna’s marriage where Anna did not make any real decisions in her life. Not the best example of marriage!!! I can see that would be a source of conflict for her and Derrick. He was not raised like that and probably didn’t care whether Jill cleaned the house on Monday or Tuesday. I bet he encouraged Jill to join some of the church groups. It’s hard to retrain a Stage 5 Clinger. I imagine he encouraged Jill to select clothes she liked. The frequent texts and emojis, as well as the cutsie pet names seem to be clingy. Fundy couples are not the only ones who do this. 

[Georgiana]

40 minutes ago, BlondeIdol said:

Some of it wasn’t bad advice but a lot of that I’d throw into the common sense pile. Also, now I know that Jill has trouble separating JB and her husband and that is just ew. 

Dillards! You don’t need a social media presence. You just like attention. Pls stop.

I don't think it's Jill's fault that she has/had some blurred lines between daddy/husband.  That's just fundie kool-aid.

Fundies teach their children to treat their opposing gender parent as a "practice" spouse.  Fathers are keepers of their daughter's purity until they transition that authority to the husband.  Daughters are to respect and honor their fathers as practice for how they will eventually respect and honor their future spouse.  Daughters are taught they should be looking to marry a man like their father and whom their father approves of.  Fathers are essentially a fundie girl's first/practice husband.  And in some cases, like Jill Rodrigues and Timothy, boys are encouraged to see their mothers as their first/practice wife.  

So it makes sense that people who are raised to conflate daddy/husband have issues after marriage separating that out into two distinct roles and individuals.  You ask a girl to treat her father like she will eventually treat her husband, it's a natural conclusion that at first, she will then treat her husband like her father.  It's really not Jill who conflated those roles.

It's JB.  And HE'S the one who should get the push-back for what Jill wrote when it comes to daddy/husband because HE was the adult who forced this ideology on a child and created the resulting problem.  Once again, Jill's only real sin was trusting what her parents taught her, and now SHE looks like the creep when really, she was the victim of JB and Michelle's poor choices.  

Jill was raised in this garbage.  She should think more critically, but she doesn't because she was raised in this garbage.  JB and Michelle were the adults who chose this freely as adults and then subjected their kids to this.  This really should be a commentary not on Jill, but on the emotional incest that is basically built in and encouraged in many fundie doctrines.  And it should be a commentary on Michelle and JB for freely choosing to raise their kids in such a harmful belief system and actively encouraging improper boundaries that ill-prepared their children for adult relationships and likely harmed their marriages.  

[Sullie06]

When I walk in the door from work (both hubby and I work full time but I get out later than him) the last thing I want is to be bombarded with people running at me for 6 second kisses and praise. I'm sure my husband feels the same way. While I agree some of her advice was shockingly important (the counseling and abuse portion) most of this is ridiculous. 

[nickelodeon]

2 hours ago, squiddysquid said:

Well, Michelle had an ovulation calendar. However, her daughters would be the ones to remind her to have sex that day

I’ve never heard that particular bit of freakiness before. I’m pretty sure that the ovulation calendar that everyone’s “sure they saw in an episode” is a mass FJ hallucination, like the Berenstein Bears. And that when Michelle said her daughters would know she was pregnant before she did because they “watched the calendar like a hawk” she was insinuating that they noticed when her period was late, not that they had access to a chart of her daily basal temperature or whatever.

[SassyPants]

2 minutes ago, Sullie06 said:

When I walk in the door from work (both hubby and I work full time but I get out later than him) the last thing I want is to be bombarded with people running at me for 6 second kisses and praise. I'm sure my husband feels the same way. While I agree some of her advice was shockingly important (the counseling and abuse portion) most of this is ridiculous. 

Exactly. One of best things about working was the 30 mile car ride home. No people, no talking, no radio. Silence and decompression. After that ride, I could face the rest of the evening. 

1 minute ago, nickelodeon said:

I’ve never heard that particular bit of freakiness before. I’m pretty sure that the ovulation calendar that everyone’s “sure they saw in an episode” is a mass FJ hallucination, like the Berenstein Bears. And that when Michelle said her daughters would know she was pregnant before she did because they “watched the calendar like a hawk” she was insinuating that they noticed when her period was late, not that they had access to a chart of her daily basal temperature or whatever.

The most likely scenario was which ever slave had the parents’ BR and BA cleaning jurisdiction mentioned the absence or presence of certain refuse, and spread the word.