Florida Stories 2: The Adventures of Florida Man (and Woman)

[47of74]

Here comes Florida Man roaring back to life after a few quiet months

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Florida cops allege that James Ransom--carrying open containers of Natural Light beer and Captain Morgan rum--caused a disturbance Thursday night on the boardwalk at Indian Rocks Beach, just west of St. Petersburg.

Ransom, 54, was allegedly seen accosting and “yelling loudly at citizens,” according to a sheriff’s deputy.

After being detained, Ransom repeatedly told cops that his name was “Michael Corleone.” But when deputies did a computer check on the name, they came up empty. It was only after Ransom was “submitted to a fingerprint scan” that investigators confirmed he did not actually share a name with Al Pacino’s character in the “Godfather” movies.

In addition to being charged with providing a false name to law enforcement, Ransom was also cited for disorderly intoxication. Ransom yesterday pleaded no contest to both misdemeanor counts. After entering his plea, Ransom was released from the county jail after serving two days in custody.

Almost full on #FloridaBingo there.

[47of74]

No pandemic is gonna keep Florida Mam down!

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Florida man was recently arrested for trying to cash in a winning lottery ticket at the same store that he had stolen it and several others from, according to police.

The man who attempted to cash in the stolen ticket was identified by police as Herbert McClellan, 27, of Clearwater, Florida. McClellan is accused of stealing 13 scratch-off lottery tickets from a Speedway convenience store on 32 Bay Esplanade, according to police. One of the tickets was a $30 winner, police said.

Shortly after going back to the same store, Speedway employees, who remembered him from before, called the Clearwater Police Department. He was arrested shortly after officers arrived at the Speedway, according to police.

 

[47of74]

Florida Man Bounty Cheramy got plowed and plowed into a sign

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The 22-year-old Florida resident was arrested for drunk driving early Sunday after allegedly slamming his Mazda into an electronic sign cautioning motorists to “Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over.”

According to a probable cause affidavit, cops found Cheramy outside his car around 12:30 AM on the Tamiami Trail in Port Charlotte on the state’s Gulf Coast. Cheramy’s auto had sustained “heavy front-end damage,” reported a deputy who also noted that “the county sign board trailer had been struck.”

Cheramy told police that he was talking on the phone when he “suddenly struck something,” but was unsure “what he had struck or how he hit it.”

The wrecked electronic sign is pictured below.

 

[Cartmann99]

On 9/2/2020 at 8:00 PM, 47of74 said:

Cheramy told police that he was talking on the phone when he “suddenly struck something,” but was unsure “what he had struck or how he hit it.”

[47of74]

Solicitation for murder is not a good idea for a from me to me gift, as Florida woman found out

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Ashley Spencer this month wanted to celebrate her 34th birthday with a bang, cops allege.

Specifically, the Florida Woman is accused of soliciting an accomplice to help kill her husband’s lover, a murder that Spencer wanted accomplished by her September 26 birthday, which “could be her birthday gift” to herself, according to an arrest affidavit.

Police began investigating Spencer in late-August after a friend reported that she was making threats against the woman, a corrections deputy with the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office. In an August 29 Snapchat message, Spencer asked the source, “You know of any felons that don’t give a damn about life and willing to do a job?”

 

 

[47of74]

More Florida woman, this time inside an adult business

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After taking a sex toy from a shelf at a Florida adult novelty store, a woman removed her clothes and began using the “pink colored” device inside the business, police charge.

A Fort Pierce cop was dispatched early Tuesday evening to the Lion's Den Adult Superstore “in reference to a disturbance,” according to an arrest affidavit. En route to the business, a dispatcher noted that “there was a female in the store wearing a purple shirt and had on no pants.”

Before the officer entered Lion's Den, a worker explained that the masturbating suspect had “removed a sex toy from the packaging and was now fully nude.” The woman, the worked added, had disappeared into a stock room with the sex toy.

When he entered the stock room, the officer found Theresa Stanley, 36, “sitting in an office chair with her feet up on the table.” Stanley had a “pink colored, penis shaped sex toy” in her hand and was using the device in a “masturbatory manner.”

 

[47of74]

Florida Man chucked the good book at a cop

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Robert Otis Hoskins, the alleged Bible thumper, was collared Tuesday afternoon following a confrontation at a residence in Summerfield, an Ocala suburb.

Charged with burglary, larceny, resisting, battery on a law enforcement officer, and criminal mischief, Hoskins, 39, is being held in the Marion County jail in lieu of $13,000 bond.

Police responding to a 911 call about a burglary encountered Hoskins--who was only wearing a pair of gray briefs--outside his residence, next door to the burglarized property. As a deputy sought to question Hoskins, he began shouting at the cop as he approached with a book in his right hand.

Hoskins then wound up and threw the Good Book at the officer, who was struck in the face and jaw by the volume. As seen above, the Bible tossing was captured by a body cam worn by a cop who was not in the line of fire.

He wound up getting tazed and arrested.  Of course if he was anything other than a white male he probably would have been shot.

[47of74]

The Florida version of a Less Filling Tastes Great Argument 

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An argument over whether almond milk or whole milk was the superior milk turned violent when a Florida Man allegedly slashed his cousin with a pocket knife, according to an arrest report.

Police responding Sunday afternoon to a disturbance at a home in Lehigh Acres arrested Justin Garcia, 30, for aggravated battery, a felony. Garcia, seen below, was freed yesterday from the Lee County jail after posting $25,000 bond.

According to the victim, he and Garcia engaged “in a verbal argument about what milk is better, almond milk, or whole milk.” The dispute became physical “when Garcia became enraged at the victim for disagreeing with him.”

Police and court records do not indicate which man was advocating in favor of which milk.

 

[47of74]

Jesus Christ Florida Men have been busy this week

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According to investigators, Larry Stothers, 41, accused the victim of stealing a backpack. So Stothers and a cohort, 31-year-old Jayson Rappa, allegedly confronted the man Saturday afternoon in Largo, Florida.

“A fight occurred between all parties,” according to an arrest affidavit. “And in the course of the fight a prosthetic leg was taken from the victim.” The man whose leg was stolen fled the scene and sought police assistance.

 

[47of74]

What the fuck is going on down in Florida these days?

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Patrons at a 7-Eleven in Florida were treated yesterday to a lewd display by a 28-year-old woman who allegedly exposed and pleasured herself near the front doors of the convenience store.

Police allege that Vanessa Lee Jones did “intentionally masturbate” while outside a 7-Eleven in St. Petersburg around 11 AM Wednesday.

Seen at right, Jones was arrested for lewd and lascivious exhibition, a felony, since she allegedly “continuously rubbed her vagina” in the presence of a minor.

 

[47of74]

Hey this ain't meth, it's oregano!

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After purchasing a bag of methamphetamine, a Florida Woman turned the narcotics over to police “because it was ‘junk,’” according to an arrest report.

Investigators allege that Beth Ann Franchak, 52, provided the meth to a sheriff’s deputy Thursday afternoon at her residence in St. Pete Beach.

Franchak, cops say, told the deputy that she “purchased $20.00 worth of methamphetamine and would like to turn it over to the police because it was ‘junk.’”

Seen above, Franchak handed the cop a small plastic bag containing about a quarter-gram of a “white, crystal like substance resembling methamphetamine.” A subsequent test came back positive for meth.

Nice try Florida Woman.

[Cartmann99]

On 9/30/2020 at 2:04 PM, 47of74 said:

Police and court records do not indicate which man was advocating in favor of which milk.

Well, I'm sure as hell not going to get any rest until this mystery is cleared up.

On 9/8/2020 at 3:46 PM, 47of74 said:

A Fort Pierce cop was dispatched early Tuesday evening to the Lion's Den Adult Superstore “in reference to a disturbance,” according to an arrest affidavit. En route to the business, a dispatcher noted that “there was a female in the store wearing a purple shirt and had on no pants.”

If you enjoyed Sleepless in Seattle, don't miss Pantless in Fort Pierce!

[47of74]

Hey asshole if you don't like a Yelp review of your business try contacting Yelp and at least try having them take it down cause it came from your girlfriend's son instead of getting in further legal trouble yourself.

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Incensed over a pair of scathing reviews on Yelp, the owner of a Florida BBQ joint last night allegedly physically attacked his suspected online critic, according to cops who arrested the restaurateur.

Investigators charge that Daniel Ahrens, 60, jumped atop the male victim and struck him several times while outside a residence in Largo, a city in the Tampa Bay area.

According to an arrest affidavit, the confrontation Tuesday evening began when the victim, whose name has been redacted by police, arrived at the Largo home. The victim is apparently the son of Ahrens’s girlfriend.

The victim, cops reported, sought to speak with his mother about “threatening” communications sent to him by Ahrens. In addition to texts, Ahrens allegedly called the man “several times in regards to ‘wanting to beat his ass’ about a ‘restaurant review.’”

I say further legal trouble cause he's no stranger to the law enforcement in those parts.

[Cartmann99]

2 hours ago, 47of74 said:

Hey asshole if you don't like a Yelp review of your business try contacting Yelp and at least try having them take it down cause it came from your girlfriend's son instead of getting in further legal trouble yourself.

I say further legal trouble cause he's no stranger to the law enforcement in those parts.

If you live in Florida and own a BBQ joint, state law says you can only assault another person with a rack of ribs.

[47of74]

This Florida Woman's name did not pass the sniff test

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A Florida Woman arrested for trespassing was hit with a second criminal charge when, after being asked to identify herself, she repeatedly told cops that her name was “My butt just farted,” records show.

Melinda Lynn Guerrero, 33, was collared Wednesday evening after refusing to leave a Mobil gas station in St. Petersburg.

Following her arrest, Guerrero refused to provide her name to police, according to a criminal complaint. Cops asked “multiple times,” but “defendant repeatedly said, ‘My name is my butt just farted.”

Officers subsequently identified Guerrero as the accused trespasser--likely due to the fact that her photo and fingerprints are on file in connection with a series of arrests over the past several years. Also, she has “Guerrero” tattooed on her back.

 

 

[Cartmann99]

5 hours ago, 47of74 said:

This Florida Woman's name did not pass the sniff test

You know how some people like to make a portmanteau of their name and their significant other's? My butt just farted is going to have the problem of way too many results.

 

Edited October 17, 2020 by Cartmann99

[47of74]

Alien invasions are not a valid reason to call 911

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Meet James Fleurant.

The 28-year-old Florida Man was arrested early yesterday for misuse of the 911 system after he placed a bizarre 1:45 AM call to the police emergency line.

Fleurant told an operator that he was “seeing aliens, little ones flying low to the ground,” according to an arrest affidavit.

The Vero Beach resident added that he did not want “to go Independence Day on them,” an apparent reference to the movie starring Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, and Bill Pullman.

 

[Cartmann99]

16 hours ago, 47of74 said:

Alien invasions are not a valid reason to call 911

You take all the fun out of life!

[47of74]

6 hours ago, Cartmann99 said:

You take all the fun out of life!

Sorry.  Just trying to keep us all off a free legal tips page. 

[Howl]

On 10/17/2020 at 5:10 PM, Cartmann99 said:

You know how some people like to make a portmanteau of their name and their significant other's? My butt just farted is going to have the problem of way too many results.

MyBuJuFar has a certain...something.  However, I can't say what, exactly.

[47of74]

Florida Man was told he had a small penis.  Florida Man pretty much reacted as one would expect him to;

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Cops said Dustin Kouns, 21, revved his Jeep’s engine in Key West traffic, leading Toby Keaton to step out of his own vehicle and say, “You must have a small d---,” the Florida Keys Keynoter reported. Kouns responded by whipping out his 9-millimeter Smith & Wesson handgun, according to police.

Keaton told the cops that he exchanged words with Kouns after the engine rev, but didn’t tell them about any impotent insults, according to the Keynoter. Kouns told police he was just protecting himself when he pulled the gun

Kouns was formally charged with three felonies: aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, carrying a concealed weapon and dealing in stolen property, the Keynoter reported. He was also charged with driving without a valid license, a misdemeanor.

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by 47of74

[Cartmann99]

1 hour ago, 47of74 said:

Cops said Dustin Kouns, 21, revved his Jeep’s engine in Key West traffic, leading Toby Keaton to step out of his own vehicle and say, “You must have a small d---,” the Florida Keys Keynoter reported. Kouns responded by whipping out his 9-millimeter Smith & Wesson handgun, according to police.

 So, to recap, Dustin made his engine go vroom-vroom because he's so manly, and then Toby inferred that Dustin's penis was Trump-sized, so Dustin went all macho man by pulling out his gun.

Rufus bless, I'm tempted to track down the two biggest dildos I can find and send them to these two idiots.

[Howl]

 

[47of74]

Florida Man and Florida Woman decided to put on a roadside show for the motoring public

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According to a felony criminal complaint, “many drivers” observed Amber Gormley, 39, and Shawn McClelland, 30, as they trysted adjacent to a roadway in Largo, a city in the Tampa Bay area.

Gormley (seen at right) and McClelland were spotted, cops say, around 2:45 PM in an “open area location of a busy area where all drivers could see then having intercourse.”

One motorist said he observed McClelland performing oral sex on Gormley, as well as certain penetrative acts.

Following the pair’s arrest, McClelland reportedly “confirmed he had oral sex” and engaged in the alleged digital pursuits. “According to both parties,” police reported, the sexual activity “was all consensual.”

You'd think they'd know better by now given all the PDA stories in Florida but guess not.

[Cartmann99]

14 hours ago, 47of74 said:

According to a felony criminal complaint, “many drivers” observed Amber Gormley, 39, and Shawn McClelland, 30, as they trysted adjacent to a roadway in Largo, a city in the Tampa Bay area.

Gormley (seen at right) and McClelland were spotted, cops say, around 2:45 PM in an “open area location of a busy area where all drivers could see then having intercourse.”

If this incident had happened at night, we could have said they trysted the night away.

*ducks and runs away*