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Florida Stories 2: The Adventures of Florida Man (and Woman)


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Just thought I'd drop this here.  Today Florida Man Rep. Matt Gaetz  thought Captain Kangaroo was part of a kangaroo court. 

 

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Operating a Segway While Intoxicated is still Operating While Intoxicated, as Florida Man discovered

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A man spotted riding a Segway in the wrong direction on a Florida road is facing a drunk driving charge, according to cops who report that the suspect admitted drinking nearly two bottles of wine before piloting the self-balancing vehicle.

Andy Sigears, 48, was busted Wednesday after a cop saw him “going head on” into cars on a road in Davenport, a city about 35 miles south of Orlando.

Sigears, who lives in Davenport, “made multiple spontaneous statements” about being drunk and being an alcoholic, a sheriff’s report notes.

Cops say Sigears smelled of booze and showed other signs of intoxication during field sobriety exercises. Subsequent tests showed Sigears’s breath alcohol level to be around three times the legal limit.

 

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Hey Florida Man, at least buy the toys and take them home if you want to copulate with them.  It will be a lot less expensive in the long run. 

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A Florida Man yesterday sexually assaulted a pair of “large stuffed animal toys” inside a Target store, according to police who arrested the fiend on a criminal mischief charge.

As detailed in a criminal complaint, Cody Christopher Meader, 20, entered the retailer around 2 PM Tuesday and approached a display of merchandise featuring characters from the Disney film “Frozen.”

Meader, seen at right, selected a “large Olaf stuffed animal” and proceeded to place it on the floor of the Target in Pinellas Park. He then began to “dry hump” the cinematic snowman “until he ejaculated on the merchandise,” a cop reported.

Meader returned the soiled Olaf back to the display before entering the toy department, where he “selected a large unicorn stuffed animal and began to ‘dry hump’ this item.”

 

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Got a fucking Florida trifecta here. Bibles. Guns. And Alcohol. 

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TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (WCTV) — The Leon County Sheriff's Office says it arrested a 31-year-old man after a debate about the Bible with his brother escalated into a fight where gunshots were fired into the ground. 

Michael Dean was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without the intent to kill, use of a firearm during a felony, criminal mischief property damage and harming a public servant or family member. 

When deputies first arrived on scene, Dean's brother told them they drank several alcoholic beverages on the front porch and were in a heated debate about the Bible, the affidavit said. The brother then told deputies Dean choked him, but he broke out of it and a fight started. 

When the short fight ended, Dean walked off the front porch, stood in the front yard and pulled out a handgun. According to the affidavit, Dean told his brother to leave the residence. He then told him if he stepped off the porch, he would kill him.


 

 

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On 10/31/2019 at 8:12 AM, 47of74 said:

According to the affidavit, Dean told his brother to leave the residence. He then told him if he stepped off the porch, he would kill him.

I'd put that in the Serious Dilemma category. 

Moving right along:  

ETA: to note that reddit has a Florida Man topic

Edited by Howl
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What a charmer. /sarcasm

Edited by GreyhoundFan
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Florida Man busted speeding home

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A Florida Man pulled over Sunday night for driving recklessly told police that he “needed to get home in a hurry because he was cheating on his wife,” according to an arrest affidavit.

Cops report that Jon Earl Pickard, 52, was behind the wheel of a 2015 Honda that was going in excess of 90 mph in a 55 mph zone on U.S. Route 19.

When stopped by a Tarpon Springs Police Department officer around 7:30 PM, Pickard was apparently en route to his Palm Harbor residence following an extramarital assignation. Pickard reportedly “indicated his driving was reckless and endangering because he needed to get home in a hurry because he was cheating on his wife.” 

Seen above, Pickard was busted for reckless driving, a misdemeanor. But when cops searched him post-arrest, they found a baggie with crack cocaine in his shirt pocket, leading to an additional felony drug possession count. Pickard, police reported, “spontaneously said he had just purchased it for $50.00.”

I guess he never heard of the Dan Kester approach.  Namely driving home in an orderly and safe manner and then when the wife asks where the fornicate he was answer that he was at some fundie religious revival.  Hell fundies are a dime a dozen down there.

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Florida Wind strikes again!

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-During a traffic stop, a Florida Man told police that the wind may have blown a “bag of cocaine residue” into his vehicle, according to an arrest affidavit.

Cops in Fort Pierce last month pulled over a vehicle driven by Joseph Zak, 37, after the car did not pause at a stop sign around 9:40 PM.

After Zak’s auto came to a stop, an officer approached the car and saw the suspect trying to conceal an open can of Budweiser. A subsequent search of the car turned up a glass crack pipe and a clear baggie “with a whitish residue, which tested positive for crack cocaine,” police reported.

Questioned about the baggie, Zak (seen above) denied ownership of the item and claimed that “the police or the wind must have placed it there.”

 

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Florida deputies made an interesting find during Florida Man’s intake 

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Following his arrest for possession of a hypodermic needle containing methamphetamine, a 380-pound Florida Man was hit with additional felony charges after jail personnel discovered a bag of meth “wedged deep within the belly button cavity of the defendant,” according to a court affidavit.

Police responding late Friday to a suspicious person call placed by employees of a McDonald’s in Clearwater arrested Martin Skelly when a search of the 41-year-old St. Petersburg resident turned up the loaded needle.

Following Skelly’s collar for possession of narcotics and drug paraphernalia, cops asked him if he was in possession of any other contraband, since he could face additional charges if he brought illegal items into the county jail. Seen above, Skelly denied having “any additional contraband on his person.”

However, during intake processing at the jail, Skelly was subjected to a thorough body search that resulted in the discovery of a small plastic bag containing 2.7 grams of meth. A jail deputy reported that the baggie was “wedged deep within the belly button cavity” of the 5’ 8” defendant.

Kind of unusual - I thought most meth baggies hitched a ride on the butthole express. 

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On 11/18/2019 at 10:04 AM, Howl said:

 

It seems like only in Florida do you read about eggnog, Reese’s, and meth being in the same sentence, let alone the same bag.

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Florida Bumper Sticker Fail

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A Florida Man whose Ford truck carries a “Don’t Drink & Drive” bumper sticker was arrested Friday night for drunk driving after he “rear ended a stopped vehicle in front of him,” cops report.

Sergio Ferreira, 56, was driving “about 35-40 mph” when he slammed into a car at an intersection near his home in Largo. The impact caused the second vehicle to go forward and strike another car.

The occupants of the other autos did not require hospital treatment.

When contacted by police, Ferreira “staggered as he walked, swayed as he stood” and smelled of alcohol. Seen above, Ferreira, who refused to provide a breath sample, was arrested after performing poorly on a series of field sobriety tests.

 

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Florida Man and Florida Woman and PDA (again)

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A 70-year-old woman and her 60-year-old mate are each jailed on a felony charge after they allegedly had sex on a Florida sidewalk in view of a 12-year-old child, police report.

According to investigators, Susan Roscillo and Robert Kellogg trysted around 8:45 PM Thursday in front of the Capitol Theater in downtown Clearwater. They were both subsequently arrested on a felony charge of lewd and lascivious exhibition for allegedly engaging in sexual conduct in the presence of the minor.

The victim, Clearwater police say, saw Roscillo “on her back with her legs up in the air and no pants on.” The septuagenarian was “actively masturbating Kellogg’s penis with her hand,” according to an arrest affidavit.

After being read his rights, Kellogg reportedly admitted to having sex in public with Roscillo, adding that she “did have his penis in her hand multiple times.” Kellogg, cops reported, apologized and said that he knew the Thanksgiving night encounter “was wrong."

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Florida Man got in to the Christmas spirit.  Unfortunately the cops took a dim view of his means of expressing that fact.

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A 67-year-old man was arrested Saturday for handing out an illicit Christmas gift to passersby in downtown St. Petersburg, police say.

Someone pointed St. Petersburg police to Richard Ellis Spurrier at about 11:30 p.m. Saturday and said he was handing out marijuana to people as they passed him at 16 Second St. near Central Avenue, according to an arrest affidavit.

When they approached Spurrier, officers noticed he had bits of marijuana hanging off his right shirt sleeve. In his backpack, they found a bag of marijuana that weighed 45 grams, or about 1½ ounces; a purple glass pipe; and a black digital scale, both with marijuana residue on them, according to the affidavit. They also found a prescription bottle with Spurrier’s name on it.

 

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Florida Man is a bad neighbor: "He was arrested for disturbing the peace with his lawn mower. His neighbors ‘could not take it anymore,’ police said."

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A Florida man spent Christmas Eve in jail for being a naughty neighbor.

Robert Wayne Miller of Zephyrhills, Fla., was arrested Sunday around 9 p.m. for disturbing the peace with his lawn mower, according to a Pasco County complaint affidavit. He faces misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

In body-camera footage obtained by WRIC, Miller’s lawn mower can be heard idling in the background as Deputy Michael O’Donnell, who responded to the complaint, approached Miller’s property. O’Donnell called out to Miller, and Miller revved the engine of his mower.

Miller had no-trespassing signs on his property, so O’Donnell tried to coax him to the patrol car to serve him his citation for disturbing the peace after being served a warning. Miller refused to go with O’Donnell, so he said he was placing Miller under arrest and warned him that things would get worse if he didn’t cooperate.

“I’m placing you under arrest for disturbing the peace, so either you come out of here or I’m going to drop more charges on you,” O’Donnell told him. “You can either go now, or I’m going to have more charges for you and you’re going to have us up here every night.”

“For what?” Miller replied.

“For disturbing the peace.” O’Donnell said. Then the deputy appears to point to houses around the neighborhood. “I’ve had your neighbor there come out and tell me she can’t take it anymore, I’ve had that neighbor, I’ve had that neighbor, I’ve had that neighbor; I’ve had four people come out and tell me that they can’t take it anymore.”

“Whatever,” Miller replied. Then he went back and turned on his lawn mower again.

O’Donnell asked Miller to exit his property a few more times before Miller retreated into his home, according to the affidavit. Miller was ultimately arrested for refusing to stop his disturbing behavior and for not complying with a law enforcement officer’s command, O’Donnell’s statement said.

One neighbor told the officer that the noise from Miller’s mower prevented his infants and ailing wife from sleeping, the deputy wrote. Another neighbor complained that he also couldn’t sleep because of the noise. A third simply said she “could not take it anymore.”

One of the four neighbors who complained to the officer was Dwaine White, who lives across the street from Miller.

White told WRIC that Miller prompted 114 calls to the sheriff’s office in the past six months, many having to do with the lawn mower and loud music. He also installed audio and video recording cameras outside his home to document Miller’s behavior.

“It does take a mental strain on you to continue to go through this for such a long period of time,” he told the station.

Miller has been charged with other annoying behaviors, such as allowing an animal to roam around the neighborhood and letting debris accumulate on his property, according to public records.

Miller’s attorney didn’t respond to a request for comment. If convicted on the current charges, he could spend up to a year and a half in jail and be fined up to $1,500.

As of Christmas Eve, Miller was in custody on $155 bond, and his neighbors were enjoying a peaceful night.

image.png.da9e63b372d9ad0f06c34192487d7c64.png

 

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Florida Man got rather punchy the other day

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When deputies got Hunter Thomas Bleich booked into the Naples Jail Center, they said he began punching a concrete wall.

According to an arrest report reviewed by the Miami Herald, it wasn’t his first punch of the night.

Deputies said gas pumps first caught the brunt of his fists, followed by equipment inside of a drive-thru car wash. By the time deputies arrived at the Mobil gas station on the evening of Dec. 21, Bleich had allegedly already thrown hands at a nearby tree.

They found him sitting on a curb smoking a cigarette outside his car with the doors open. Inside the car, they found his girlfriend, Destinee Fernandez.

If he's hitting inanimate objects and not his S.O. at least there's that.

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Florida Man took your way right away to an extreme

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Two Burger King employees were attacked yesterday by a Grubhub deliveryman who “became agitated when informed that his order was not ready for pick up,” according to police reports.

Investigators say that Daniel Delellis, 43, arrived at a Burger King in Clearwater, Florida around 5:20 PM Saturday to “pick up an order” for Grubhub, the online food ordering business.

But when told he would have to wait for the order, Delellis allegedly walked outside and picked up a “3 foot in height hard plastic ash tray” and swung it at the restaurant’s front doors. Delellis, seen at right, then struck a male employee in the chest with the ash tray.

When a 20-year-old female worker told Delellis that he had to leave the property, Delellis allegedly “swung his left hand and struck the victim on the right cheek leaving a red mark,” according to cops.

 

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Yeah, telling cops you're a professional drinker will not get you out of a DUI rap, as one Florida Man can attest.

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George Emmanuel, 54, was collared late Wednesday evening after a sheriff’s deputy spotted his vehicle speeding in a 35 mph zone.

After being pulled over, Emmanuel--who was wobbly and had “watery and glassy” eyes--performed poorly on a series of field sobriety tests. Additionally, his blood alcohol contest was measured at .218 and .211 (.08 is the legal limit).

After being read his rights, Emmanuel “admitted to consuming 1-2 shots of whiskey prior to driving,” according to an arrest affidavit. The Gulfport resident also reportedly declared, “I’m a professional drinker.”

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

The One Who Knocks Down In Florida is in a bit of trouble with the law (again).

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A Florida Man named Walter White was arrested Wednesday and charged with violating terms of a probation sentence he received last month following his conviction on a felony methamphetamine charge, records show.

White, 29, was collared by Lake County Sheriff’s Office deputies in connection with a warrant issued in neighboring Polk County, where White was convicted in December of possessing meth and drug paraphernalia.

At White’s December 10 sentencing, he was placed on probation for 18 months and ordered to pay fines and court costs. Special conditions of his probation include a 10 PM to 6 AM curfew, random urinalysis testing, and an alcohol ban.

Court records do not indicate how White allegedly violated terms of his probation.

 

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