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Florida Stories 2: The Adventures of Florida Man (and Woman)


laPapessaGiovanna
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Florida Man's been busy this week. 

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A Florida Man arrested yesterday for indecent exposure told police that he was “protesting for civil rights by showing his penis to traffic,” according to a criminal complaint.

Cops charge that Riley James Cushman, 23, was spotted alongside a roadway in Palm Harbor, a Tampa suburb, with “his pants down to his knees holding his penis while facing traffic in a vulgar manner.”

Upon spotting a sheriff’s deputy around 3:30 PM, Cushman pulled up his pants and began walking away. When subsequently confronted by the cop, Cushman reportedly explained that he was “protesting for civil rights by showing his penis to traffic, but was now finished and wanted to go home.”

Story goes on to say that he is a registered Republican.  Of course.  Probably the private citizen from Florida is one of his big heroes. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

If you're on twitter, the entire thread is worth a read, because birds drop things on people, like rabbits and poop.  Also, open sunroofs are not necessarily a good idea in Florida. 

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4 hours ago, Howl said:

If you're on twitter, the entire thread is worth a read, because birds drop things on people, like rabbits and poop.  Also, open sunroofs are not necessarily a good idea in Florida. 

I find this hysterical. I just moved to this state, I can't imagine what my reaction would be if this happened to me!

But I do find myself saying "fucking Florida" multiple times a week.

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My fave Florida thing is raccoon taking down a very large iguana in a parking lot.  It was videoed of course. 

Also, posting this here because it is Florida Man/Woman kindred spirit stuff. Note that these two people were total strangers who got into it when they passed each other on a boardwalk: 

Edinburgh woman bit off man’s tongue in street brawl before seagull swooped down and ate it. A man who had a large chunk of his tongue bitten off by a female thug was left horrified when a seagull swooped down and ate it.

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6 hours ago, Howl said:

My fave Florida thing is raccoon taking down a very large iguana in a parking lot. 

Jill did what? Did she give it a tract and ask it to say the sinner's prayer? Was the iguana named Daniel?

Oh, you meant an actual raccoon.

Never mind.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A subcategory perhaps: SRSLY Florida, Da Fuq?

To be clear, the couch was falling off a truck and not from the sky. 

Edited by Howl
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Is that a gun in yer pocket Florida Man?

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It was when the police pat down reached his groin region that Michael Phillips offered an explanation for the hard item in his underwear.

“That’s my dick,” the 20-year-old Florida Man told a deputy with the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.

But it was not, in fact, Phillips's dick, according to an arrest report.

Phillips, who was a passenger in a stolen 2015 Chevrolet Equinox that got pulled over Saturday night in St. Petersburg, was actually packing a Glock 23 holding a magazine with 22 rounds.

Of course people treat them like metal penis extensions. 

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On 3/8/2021 at 12:23 AM, Howl said:

A subcategory perhaps: SRSLY Florida, Da Fuq?

To be clear, the couch was falling off a truck and not from the sky. 

Yeah I'd be appealing that one. 

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A pickle popping perv was busted down in Florida

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A pantless Florida Man was arrested yesterday after police spotted him pleasuring himself with a pickle while on a private premise, according to an arrest affidavit.

Responding to a suspicious person call around 4 PM, a cop saw Eric Detiege, 47, lying on his back in front of a townhouse in Oldsmar, a city in the Tampa Bay area.

Detiege, unencumbered by pants or underwear, had his penis in one hand and “a large uneaten pickle in his other hand.” Detiege, the cop added, was “using the pickle to penetrate his rectum while he was masturbating.”

Seen above, Detiege was arrested on a misdemeanor exposure of sexual organs charge. He is being held in the Pinellas County jail in lieu of $150 bond.

 

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They seem nice

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Along with the drunken collegians rampaging across Florida this weekend, a couple in their forties allegedly engaged in an illicit spring break encounter that ended with their arrest for lewd behavior in public, records show.

According to police, Grant Mulder, 48, and Lauren Baugh, 41, were spotted Saturday afternoon around 1:45 PM trysting in Largo Central Park in Largo, a city in the Tampa Bay area. The couple, cops say, were spotted near a veterans memorial inside the 70-acre park (seen below).

Mulder and Baugh, the patrolman reported, were visible to park patrons as well as pedestrians and motorists passing by on a “highly trafficked roadway” adjacent to the park. The affidavits state that there was an “indication of alcohol influence” with regard to both defendants.

According to court records, Baugh has previously been convicted of burglary, theft, trespassing, and possession of an open container. Mulder has an extensive rap sheet that includes convictions for aggravated assault; grand theft; battery; disorderly intoxication; marijuana possession; burglary; and multiple DUI counts. Mulder has served four separate state prison terms, including a five-year stretch that ended in December 2019.

 

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Oh, and then Florida woman stepped up to the drive through plate

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After transporting a Florida Woman to jail following her arrest on DUI charges at a McDonald’s drive-thru, cops discovered that she had an eight-pack of vodka stuffed in her bra, according to an arrest report.

Responding to a 911 call about a “drunk female that is driving all over the drive thru,” police Monday night found Brandi Stanley, 31, behind the wheel of a Pontiac SUV idling outside the McDonald’s in Lady Lake, a town about 60 miles from Orlando.

Upon arriving at the county lockup, Stanley “continued to yell and scream” at cops, resulting in “several deputies assisting in removing the defendant from the vehicle.”

It was only after Stanley was extracted from the cruiser that police located an eight-pack of Deep Eddy Vodka under her bra. One bottle was missing from the pack, cops reported.

 

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55 minutes ago, 47of74 said:
 

It was only after Stanley was extracted from the cruiser that police located an eight-pack of Deep Eddy Vodka under her bra. One bottle was missing from the pack, cops reported.

This is why some businesses have those signs about not accepting money that was stored in one's bra or shoe.  :pb_confused:

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On 2/22/2021 at 3:25 PM, front hugs > duggs said:

I find this hysterical. I just moved to this state, I can't imagine what my reaction would be if this happened to me!

But I do find myself saying "fucking Florida" multiple times a week.

I moved here in November and that is mostly what I say too, especially while driving. No one here knows how to drive at all and God help us now that it's snowbird and spring break season. 

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2 minutes ago, Coconutwater said:

I moved here in November and that is mostly what I say too, especially while driving. No one here knows how to drive at all and God help us now that it's snowbird and spring break season. 

Yes ! The wrecklessness I see on the road! Let's go from far left lane to the exit in 1/16 of a mile across four lanes! Fun!

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17 minutes ago, front hugs > duggs said:

Yes ! The wrecklessness I see on the road! Let's go from far left lane to the exit in 1/16 of a mile across four lanes! Fun!

YES! Every time I see an out of state tag I scream "There's STILL a pandemic going on! Go home 'insert state here'" I had a guy cross three lanes and cut me off yesterday going home and then do a u turn and almost hit 4 cars in the process...local car *eye roll*

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4 hours ago, Coconutwater said:

I moved here in November and that is mostly what I say too, especially while driving. No one here knows how to drive at all and God help us now that it's snowbird and spring break season. 

No one knows how to drive there?  Wisconsin and Illinois both say hold my beer.  I find myself saying what the FUCK are you doing at vehicles bearing license plates from both states on a fairly regular basis.  To be fair, I say the same thing to vehicles with Iowa license plates as well.

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4 hours ago, Coconutwater said:

YES! Every time I see an out of state tag I scream "There's STILL a pandemic going on! Go home 'insert state here'" I had a guy cross three lanes and cut me off yesterday going home and then do a u turn and almost hit 4 cars in the process...local car *eye roll*

Unfortunately, that's what happens when Florida Man who is the governor pretends there's no pandemic and had Disneyworld and other Covidiot, I mean tourist traps like Disneyworld open. As far as driving goes, California drivers don't know how to drive in the rain, especially during that first storm of the season. It's why when it rains, I have to give myself at least an extra 30 minutes to my morning commute because of the inevitable accidents.

Edited by ADoyle90815
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11 hours ago, 47of74 said:

No one knows how to drive there?  Wisconsin and Illinois both say hold my beer.  I find myself saying what the FUCK are you doing at vehicles bearing license plates from both states on a fairly regular basis.  To be fair, I say the same thing to vehicles with Iowa license plates as well.

It's a cluster fuck where I am in central Florida. Between actual tourists who are unfortunately coming from all over the country right now, to a lot of people who have moved here from various places, mixed with a healthy dose of a booming construction and infrastructure period.

But what do I know. I'm from New Jersey so I'm obviously the BEST driver ?

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12 hours ago, ADoyle90815 said:

Unfortunately, that's what happens when Florida Man who is the governor pretends there's no pandemic and had Disneyworld and other Covidiot, I mean tourist traps like Disneyworld open. As far as driving goes, California drivers don't know how to drive in the rain, especially during that first storm of the season. It's why when it rains, I have to give myself at least an extra 30 minutes to my morning commute because of the inevitable accidents.

Where I am in Iowa it's common to see out of state plates just because of all the commuters coming over for work or shopping from Wisconsin or Illinois.  Neither state puts county names on plates so it's hard to tell where a vehicle is from just looking at the plates.  (Although here in Iowa if a person moves from one county to another they just keep the plates they have unless they want to spend money on new plates so the county isn't always a good indicator of where a person actually lives). 

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12 hours ago, ADoyle90815 said:

Unfortunately, that's what happens when Florida Man who is the governor pretends there's no pandemic and had Disneyworld and other Covidiot, I mean tourist traps like Disneyworld open. As far as driving goes, California drivers don't know how to drive in the rain, especially during that first storm of the season. It's why when it rains, I have to give myself at least an extra 30 minutes to my morning commute because of the inevitable accidents.

This. Florida drivers do NOT know how to drive in the rain either, it's like all basic common sense goes out of the window the moment a raindrop hits the windshield. (I'm from Birmingham and it's not much better there, maybe it's a Southern thing?) DeathSantis doesn't care at all about the pandemic, he thinks it's a hoax and reopened the whole state (hasn't done what Texas has yet, but it's coming) 

 

13 hours ago, 47of74 said:

No one knows how to drive there?  Wisconsin and Illinois both say hold my beer.  I find myself saying what the FUCK are you doing at vehicles bearing license plates from both states on a fairly regular basis.  To be fair, I say the same thing to vehicles with Iowa license plates as well.

It's like all common sense goes out the window the moment anyone enters into Florida, we're not the best drivers to begin with (lights aren't synced and the roads are a clusterfuck), but add in snowbirds and spring breakers and it's a nightmare. I live close to the beach so I can't get away from it...

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20 hours ago, 47of74 said:

No one knows how to drive there?  Wisconsin and Illinois both say hold my beer.  I find myself saying what the FUCK are you doing at vehicles bearing license plates from both states on a fairly regular basis.  To be fair, I say the same thing to vehicles with Iowa license plates as well.

Honestly, I don't think anyone knows how to drive ANYWHERE.  I and my kids have lived in 8 states and we have driven through many more and there are idiot drivers EVERYWHERE!

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8 hours ago, 47of74 said:

Neither state puts county names on plates so it's hard to tell where a vehicle is from just looking at the plates.  (Although here in Iowa if a person moves from one county to another they just keep the plates they have unless they want to spend money on new plates so the county isn't always a good indicator of where a person actually lives). 

Idaho puts the county on the "regular" license plates, just not the specialty ones. So, 1A drivers are worried about 2C drivers, but 2C drivers are afraid of 2O drivers. That's just in the southwestern part of the state.

I guess people can get their plates in any county, though, as long as they give their proper address. (The larger counties require emissions tests, so some people try to avoid having one by giving an address in a county with a smaller population and no test.) If I had a job where I needed to travel to some of our rural counties, I would probably pay the extra money to get plates with no county markings. Some folks in the rural communities really loathe our largest city and most populous county and a 1A plate might make an awfully tempting target.

ETA--My favorite 2 Idaho specialty license plates. 

Spoiler

plate-bluebird.jpg.7785cd29e02d42c27fb5e1373c7bc191.jpg

plate-trout.jpg.249a9c168a63104639854e4da7f5cdff.jpg

 

Edited by WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?
eta and pics
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2 hours ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

Idaho puts the county on the "regular" license plates, just not the specialty ones. So, 1A drivers are worried about 2C drivers, but 2C drivers are afraid of 2O drivers. That's just in the southwestern part of the state.

I guess people can get their plates in any county, though, as long as they give their proper address. (The larger counties require emissions tests, so some people try to avoid having one by giving an address in a county with a smaller population and no test.) If I had a job where I needed to travel to some of our rural counties, I would probably pay the extra money to get plates with no county markings. Some folks in the rural communities really loathe our largest city and most populous county and a 1A plate might make an awfully tempting target.

ETA--My favorite 2 Idaho specialty license plates. 

  Hide contents

plate-bluebird.jpg.7785cd29e02d42c27fb5e1373c7bc191.jpg

plate-trout.jpg.249a9c168a63104639854e4da7f5cdff.jpg

 

Iowa puts the county on most of its regular plates and some specialty plates - such as the black and white plates.  I have college plates on my ride so it doesn't have the county listed.  There are I think about two dozen different specialty plates for different colleges in the state.  I have one for my undergrad (UD) that's blue and white.  There are at least 200 other people in Iowa who wanted a set of those plates, which is the minimum size to do a run of those plates. 

CollegePlates.jpg.ae07a1bb13a983b43252f34ba6788e45.jpg

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