Maxwell 29: You Can Leave Your Vest On, Second Verse Same as the First

[anachronistic]

I love homemade cake and I make some really good ones. The more frosting, the better. But sometimes I just crave a box cake and a can of icing.....it has something in it that satisfies a craving like nothing else. Pure sugar overload, pure bliss. Then I’m all set for the next 6-8 months without touching it.

the difference I see between FJites and the Maxwells is that we can all articulate why we like or dislike certain items, and we have all been exposed to the homemade as well as the store bought and are able to figure out when we’d prefer what. The Maxwells literally don’t have a choice. They can’t, for example, get a store bought ice cream cake on their birthday because it’s not what they’ve always done. They don’t realize that you can substitute mayonnaise or butter or milk in a box cake mix to make it moister. They just continue on with their sad little cakes in their sad little lives.

[fundiefan]

On 3/6/2019 at 9:45 AM, AverageGiraffe said:

My guess is one of the girls gets married on the 16th or 17th!! 

Okay, okay, probably not. Here are my real guesses: 

1. Jesse is courting or engaged (and specifically asked for it to be posted, since they don't normally do that after Joe's failed courtship)

2. Sarah is announcing she's beginning a new book

3. Steve and Teri are going to a conference or have written a new book that they want you to buy (How to Keep Your Daughters at Home Forever, perhaps, or maybe 50 Ways to Keep Your Lives Fun Free). 

4. Someone is pregnant. Probably NR Anna. I think this is the most likely one. 

I honestly doubt it's a cookbook, and only because that sounds like WAY too much work for them-- testing recipes, photographing, writing them up in a coherent way... all seems like it would be too much for their "busy" schedules. Plus they honestly don't have a very niche way to market it. 8 kids is a lot, but they had that big gap in them and it isn't THAT many, so they don't have the cooking-for-a-big-family-with-small-children angle. 

They don't make pregnancy announcements anymore, and they certainly wouldn't do a save the date to announce one now. They vaguely hint (big sister t-shirts, etc) and wait for people to "guess", or when it's Chelsy and both she and her family have already announced it they find they have no choice but it's half-assed and you know they only do it to keep up appearances. 

They don't actually announce, in the technical sense, anything other than self-promotion. Rewriting/designing/bundling their books & wares, speaking at a conference...it's always a sad, pathetic "announcement" when they go out of their way to set up anticipation. 

Things like engagements & weddings are private so they don't get their asses handed to them with another child losing pieces of his/her heart after god orchestrated the perfect courtship with the first love of his/her life. No boy is left to buy a home debt free. 

Pretty much it will be announcement worthy only in Steve's mind and not in any actual sense. Just like every other one since Joseph's first true love broke their hasty engagement. 

[Granwych]

20 hours ago, Lisafer said:

Hey hey hey, I use Betty Crocker Super Moist for all my cake-baking needs! I also do awful things like make Jello salads with buttermilk and Cool Whip!

Of course, I never claimed to be a "good" homemaker. Us heathen working women have to cut corners somewhere...?

The Cake Doctor books have places in my cookbook case.  Along with the Cake Bible, the Pastry Bible, and probably every one of Rose Levy Beranbaum's books.

[sparkles]

On 3/4/2019 at 8:06 PM, Hane said:

Note to Kitchen Aid mixer fans: If you have an old one, hang on to it and get it serviced if it needs repairs. My 1991 model can run rings around my 2015 one!

Mine is a Hobart era model that I’ve had since 1980. Total workhorse, never needed service and you’d have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands. The only downside is that it’s a bit too small for some of my bread recipes so I also have an Ankarsrum mixer (which the Maxwells also have—an older model—and which I coincidentally bought from Pleasant Hill Grain way before Swift Otter redid their website).

A Cool Whip/raw egg mousse is a big no for me. I’m certainly not above Cool Whip but texture-wise I think it’s too insubstantial for a really rich mousse. The Maxwell mousse looks more like a whipped cream frosting. It always amazes me that they’ll make their own tortillas but take the semi-homemade route with so many other things that are significantly better when made from scratch. 

 

[MamaJunebug]

5 hours ago, anachronistic said:

The Maxwells literally don’t have a choice. They can’t, for example, get a store bought ice cream cake on their birthday because it’s not what they’ve always done. They don’t realize that you can substitute mayonnaise or butter or milk in a box cake mix to make it moister. They just continue on with their sad little cakes in their sad little lives.

Can’t belueve nobody else has mentioned Buttercream frosting. Great Rufus In The Forest, if it lacks buttercream, it’s not going on the “calories consumed” part of my schedule today!  (See what I (tried to do), there? Hee)

It occurred to me today that they get only a tiny number of comments on most blog posts.  If they let us talk over there, their fans might have reason to respond, defend, get their stats up. 

As is, it’s too un-wintery a day for me to continue to follow the poor lemmings for a while! I’ve escaped SADD in spite of the extended winter and am taking a break from the bleakness of Maxhell, out of gratitude.  Also a feeling of mild foreboding. You never know when a bit of dreary news might shove me into gloom.)

Until March 18. I’ll check in on March 18. 

(Meanwhile, if dimebody makes a break for daylight, will a kind FJ-Er please PM me? You’re all peaches!)

[Hane]

@Lisafer , the best and easiest non-confectioners’-sugar frosting is the chocolate ganache recipe I got from “The Cake Bible”: Grind up 12 ounces of bittersweet or semisweet chocolate in a food processor. Blend in 1 2/3 cups boiling heavy cream. Pour into a bowl and let it cool off. It will gradually thicken into the most sublime frosting ever.

”The Cake Bible” also has a heavenly recipe for mousseline buttercream, which involves beating egg whites and whipping melted sugar into it, then beating in softened butter and flavorings. It’s magnificent, but tricky and a rip-roaring pain in the @$$ to make. I only make it for people I REALLY love.

[freethekahlo]

That is NOT chocolate Mousse

[kpmom]

I'm a very lazy cook, so boxed cake mix and Cool Whip is def something I would do.

But, gee whiz, there are 6 adults in that house, they brag how busy they are, the females are supposed to aspire to be homemakers, so why all the convenience foods?

[anachronistic]

I love love love frosting. My favorite is a whipped cream frosting, which in the recipe I use also has cream cheese and sugar and vanilla in it. Like this https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/140837/sturdy-whipped-cream-frosting/

Its better than pure whipped cream because it’s more stable and can actually be used on a cake without falling off. It can even be piped, and I’m pretty sure that you could flavor it with chocolate or any extracts you desire, too.

[PennySycamore]

On 3/8/2019 at 7:45 PM, Lisafer said:

Is there a good way to make homemade icing without powdered sugar? I find the taste absolutely vile, no matter what I do...yet every recipe seems to call for the stuff.

Yes, there are several great ways to make icing with granulated sugar.  One is a good old fashioned boiled icing, another is a simpler Seven Minute Frosting and the one most like buttercream icings is Gravy Icing and its variants:  Miracle Icing or Ermine Frosting.  Ermine Frosting is the traditional icing for Red Velvet Cake.  I found a recipe for Ermine Icing on New York Times Cooking:

Ermine Icing

To eliminate any graininess in the frosting, you can add the sugar to the flour/milk mixture before you cook it (that's what I saw on America's Test Kitchen and what Alton Brown suggests) or use caster (superfine) sugar that is beaten with the butter.  I've made the icing before just using granulated sugar beaten with the butter and it was not really grainy.  

Gravy/Ermine Icing might be the most delicious icing I've ever eaten.  

I need to send the recipe to my daughter who enters barbecue competitions with her husband.  She often makes desserts to enter into the dessert competition and this frosting stands up well to heat.

@Hane,  how could I have forgotten ganache?  It is divine!

[mango_fandango]

Omg I looooove buttercream icing. I have been known to make (small) quantities and just eat it, sans cake...  

I haven’t made any on a proper, cake-making scale for ages though. The last time I made a cake was back in December, which did require icing but not buttercream, it used royal instead (it was a Christmas cake). 

Powdered/confectioner’s sugar is just called icing sugar over here in the U.K. 

[Hane]

@anachronistic, thanks for sharing that great recipe! I had to giggle at one of its reviews, though: The reviewer stressed the “importance” of making sure there’s no speck of grease on your bowl or beaters or “the cream can’t whip.” Honey, the cream is full of fat—that rule’s for egg whites. I also was told about a woman who insisted her whipped cream came out well because she added cream of tartar to it. Again—that’s for beaten egg whites!

*BEC slinks away*

[Lisafer]

20 minutes ago, Hane said:

@anachronistic, thanks for sharing that great recipe! I had to giggle at one of its reviews, though: The reviewer stressed the “importance” of making sure there’s no speck of grease on your bowl or beaters or “the cream can’t whip.” Honey, the cream is full of fat—that rule’s for egg whites. I also was told about a woman who insisted her whipped cream came out well because she added cream of tartar to it. Again—that’s for beaten egg whites!

*BEC slinks away*

You know how, when making yeast bread, you need to "proof" the yeast first? My mother calls it "poofing." I busted up laughing when I heard her say it, but she insisted that "poofing" made sense because it bubbles!

[VVV]

This is my absolute favorite thread drift ever in the history of the world.

[fundiefan]

They just keep getting worse! That chocoloate slop they make is not chocolate mousse. 

I have nothing against Cool Whip and it works as a whipped cream topping in many circumstances. But, it does not work as a substitute for actual heavy cream in chocolate mousse!

In typical Maxwell fashion, their laziness and unwillingness to look something up that isn't about Jesus gives them disgusting results. 

[Lgirlrocks]

@fundiefan are they even allowed to look recipes up? They might find out that people eat meat in their burritos and Steve can’t have that! 

[Hane]

I keep thinking of the reason why they “don’t like lobster”:  as I recall, Stevehovah microwaved some leftover lobster from a restaurant or someplace and they all agreed it was gross. Hey, I love lobster and know that’s the perfect way to render it unpalatable!

[kpmom]

49 minutes ago, Hane said:

I keep thinking of the reason why they “don’t like lobster”:  as I recall, Stevehovah microwaved some leftover lobster from a restaurant or someplace and they all agreed it was gross. Hey, I love lobster and know that’s the perfect way to render it unpalatable!

ITA

Since that post was so long ago I might not be remembering correctly, but I don't think they had any drawn butter for dipping either.

If they'd had it properly, at a sit down restaurant instead of standing around the microwave in Uriah, they might have come to a different conclusion.

[ViolaSebastian]

On 3/9/2019 at 5:20 PM, Hane said:

@Lisafer , the best and easiest non-confectioners’-sugar frosting is the chocolate ganache recipe I got from “The Cake Bible”: Grind up 12 ounces of bittersweet or semisweet chocolate in a food processor. Blend in 1 2/3 cups boiling heavy cream. Pour into a bowl and let it cool off. It will gradually thicken into the most sublime frosting ever.

”The Cake Bible” also has a heavenly recipe for mousseline buttercream, which involves beating egg whites and whipping melted sugar into it, then beating in softened butter and flavorings. It’s magnificent, but tricky and a rip-roaring pain in the @$$ to make. I only make it for people I REALLY love.

Thank you! I’m making a birthday cake I’ve made three years in a row (by popular demand) later this March and I always jack up the chocolate ganache part of it somehow. I’m going to give yours a go. 

My current issue is that it’s a layer cake, and I can never get the “seam” between the two cakes to play nice so that it doesn’t cave in slightly where they meet. Any tips would be much appreciated. 

[SPHASH]

45 minutes ago, kpmom said:

ITA

Since that post was so long ago I might not be remembering correctly, but I don't think they had any drawn butter for dipping either.

If they'd had it properly, at a sit down restaurant instead of standing around the microwave in Uriah, they might have come to a different conclusion.

I think Coward Steve ruined that lobster experience deliberately so the kids wouldn't want to develop an "appetite" for it.

[Black Aliss]

On 3/8/2019 at 9:59 AM, Dru said:

Sadly I know people who prefer Cool Whip over actual whipping cream.

So do I. They also like margarine and hate the taste and texture of butter. They prefer non-dairy creamer over half and half in their coffee, and they would just as soon have that coffee  be Folgers instead of the locally roasted beans that I grind and brew.  Even though they are family, I now meet them at the restaurant of their choice, rather than inviting them to my house for a meal. I just can't stand to see good food dumped into the garbage because they find my cooking inedible.

2 hours ago, Hane said:

I keep thinking of the reason why they “don’t like lobster”:  as I recall, Stevehovah microwaved some leftover lobster from a restaurant or someplace and they all agreed it was gross. Hey, I love lobster and know that’s the perfect way to render it unpalatable!

I thought it was a lobster roll that Steve bought at one of those roadside places and made everyone take one bite.

[Black Aliss]

On 3/8/2019 at 11:28 AM, JermajestyDuggar said:

Of course I prefer homemade whipped cream. But if cool whip is all that’s offered, I will very happily plop a huge dollop of it on my pie. 

Same here. Manufactured foods like cool whip have no place in my kitchen but I will cheerfully shut up and eat whatever is put in front of me, any time, any place. Jello, Cool Whip, Frozen lasagna, I don't GAF. I'm there for the company anyway.

[Hane]

2 hours ago, ViolaSebastian said:

 

My current issue is that it’s a layer cake, and I can never get the “seam” between the two cakes to play nice so that it doesn’t cave in slightly where they meet. Any tips would be much appreciated. 

Yeah—that can be a huge pain. I often use Bake Even Cake Strips (insulated cotton strips you moisten and wrap around the outer edge of layer cake pans) so my layers don’t “dome” so much, but even they don’t guarantee 100% flat layers. I often settle for cooling the layers and sawing the domes off. Domes=Hunks of snack cake for later, or add-ins for trifle!

[Lisafer]

2 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

So do I. They also like margarine and hate the taste and texture of butter. They prefer non-dairy creamer over half and half in their coffee, and they would just as soon have that coffee  be Folgers instead of the locally roasted beans that I grind and brew.  Even though they are family, I now meet them at the restaurant of their choice, rather than inviting them to my house for a meal. I just can't stand to see good food dumped into the garbage because they find my cooking inedible.

Barring any allergies or sensory issues, I don't understand why people can't just eat what you cooked for them. I mean, will they gag on real butter or half and half in their coffee? How can they be so picky? 

But then again, I'm a mother of young children. If somebody else is cooking, I don't care what it is, I'll eat it!

[PennySycamore]

@Hane,  I need some of those strips to help prevent doming, but I also need one of those cake splitter things which I think you can adjust to cut the dome off cakes.  I've got this wonderful recipe from Martha Stewart for a Zebra Cake.  Both times I've made it, I've cut the shit out of my hands from  trying to trim the dome off the cake.  The first time was worse and my daughter had to finish frosting the cake for me.  Blood does not enhance the taste of frosting.  

ETA:  I'd love to have a cake dome to eat right now.