You're 18, get out of my house! (Duggars)

[xReems]

So, this new episode of 19 kids and counting has already irked me, especially with JB's comment on how "a lot of families kick their kids out when they're 18." First off, parents do NOT kick their children out when they're 18. If anything, they want them to experience an independent life, find themself and learn how to take care of their themselves without relying on parents. My parents wanted my sister and I to move away for college because they wanted us to learn to be independent without having them hold our hand every step of the way. The Duggars and fundies in general think that by keeping their children at home until marriage, watching their every move, and making sure they're not left alone is a good thing but it's the complete opposite.

 

Sorry JB, get your facts straight before you decide to preach about us nonfundies who do not court, get "kicked" out of our homes, and have a normal life.

[Chrystal-J]

I saw that episode (or at least the part you're talking about). It's this type of brainwashing that creates fear in young adults to stay in the bunker rather than go to college.

[Kitty]

My mother tires her best to keep me at home, which is why I picked a university that's 4.5 hours away. She's far from fundie.

The Duggar kids don't seem to get out much...

[AlexIsAwake]

You know, the only kind of people I'm aware of who have the attitude of wanting to kick out the kids as soon as they turn 18 are lower class type people anyway. It seems obvious that normal, every-day families don't do that. But of course, the Duggars are so elite with their mentality that they probably do view the rest of the world who aren't like them as lower class.....so therefore, assuming that we all kick out our kids at 18 must be logical to them.

Ack.

[emmyfair]

I was 17 when I left. I wasn't kicked out exactly, but the situation was so bad I had to go.

So there, Jim Boob, some of us leave earlier. Dumbass.

[emmiedahl]

I have known a few parents that kick the kids out once they are 18 and graduated fro high school, but in every case the teen was being impossible to live with and doing dangerous things. Would the Duggars honestly let their kids stay if Jana was sneaking in a different boy every night or if the older boys were getting in fist fights with JimBob and each other? Didn't think so. I think wearing pants would be enough to get Jana evicted; it sounds like she keeps getting sent away over not being happy enough to scrub her dad's underwear.

[pomology]

I don't know anybody around my age (21) who is not welcome at their home for relatively long periods of time. And I also don't know anybody my age who felt forced out of their house at 18.

Most people choose to leave their house at 18 (or so) to go to college, but not that many are totally cut off financially and whatnot at that age. Yes, their parents expect them to be more independent, but they are not just kicked out.

[lilwriter85]

I haven't watched the new episode yet. But Jill said the same thing about "parents kicking out their kids after age 18." That comment annoyed me and hearing Boob say that again will annoy me again. I know two people who were told to move after they were 18 and had graduated high school. Most people I know moved away to college or to a job to learn to be independent. They weren't kicked out but they chose to move out after high school. I know several people who did live with their parents during college or trade school but they also were independent in some ways. These people had jobs while going to school and sometimes helped their parents with groceries and bills. Boob's daughters aren't learning anything about being independent.

[Rosa]

Not necessarily low-class, but working class for sure - it was a typical attitude for parents where I grew up.

It's not like there was a 100% cutoff, parents gave help or advice or a couch to land on if things went wrong. But definitely an expectation that you'd be out on your own by then. Since most kids got jobs at 14 or 16, it wasn't that harsh. My mom spent my whole senior year of high school talking about what she was going to do with my room when I moved out. Some of us got tuition help, I think I was pretty unique because my mom paid all of my tuition, but the kids getting student loans and working instead of getting help from their parents were the vast majority. Some of my friends with stepparents knew from an early age they wouldn't be welcome at home once they graduated.

I think there's a regional thing there too - if you can't get one of the few good jobs in my hometown, you HAVE to leave. At most you can do 2 years of community college and then you've got to get out. There's no living at home and going to university, or living at home getting started on a real career unless you're inheriting a small company or going into one of a few professions (teacher, lawyer, ag research scientist).

I bet when JimBob was growing up, 18 and out was typical for his friends and classmates. But didn't he stay on Mommy's apron strings for a long time?

[mythoughtis]

I'm around 8 years older than JB and Michelle... when I graduated high school, I went to college. My parents and I split the cost, but at some point it became too much and I went to work full time. I moved out after a few months of that... but I had a full time job. Many of my friends did the same thing.... but that was when you could get a REAL job at 19, the kind that you could expect to have for years.... such as factories, or office work. I wasn't forced out, and in fact, my siblings and I boomeranged back to home a couple times over the next couple of years. But, as some have commented, I had lower middle class blue collar parents.

Now, it is different. Very few high school graduates are going to find jobs that will allow them to move out. My younger son graduated a year ago... his friends are in colllege (like him) or in the service. Those that manged to find work aren't making enough to move out... and they've not been asked to do.

so. However, I have seen some fundie postings where they do pretty much ask their boys to support themselves by 18 and to pay for their own college. So maybe it is that way in the Duggar circle. JB and Michelle do make considerably more than their friends do.

[ThisOlGirl]

Total speculation on my part, but it sounds to me like the subject of one of the kids leaving home has come up off camera, and this is just Boob's way of laying a guilt trip. Kinda like "You just don't know how good you have it. Most parents kick their kids out at 18. I'm letting you stay until you get married, and all you can think about is leaving? You're being really selfish right now!"

Free room and board until they marry, and all they have to do in return is cook, clean, raise kids, and let Daddy do all their thinking for them.

[Guest Anonymous]

I'm around 8 years older than JB and Michelle... when I graduated high school, I went to college. My parents and I split the cost, but at some point it became too much and I went to work full time. I moved out after a few months of that... but I had a full time job. Many of my friends did the same thing.... but that was when you could get a REAL job at 19, the kind that you could expect to have for years.... such as factories, or office work. I wasn't forced out, and in fact, my siblings and I boomeranged back to home a couple times over the next couple of years. But, as some have commented, I had lower middle class blue collar parents.

Now, it is different. Very few high school graduates are going to find jobs that will allow them to move out. My younger son graduated a year ago... his friends are in colllege (like him) or in the service. Those that manged to find work aren't making enough to move out... and they've not been asked to do.

so. However, I have seen some fundie postings where they do pretty much ask their boys to support themselves by 18 and to pay for their own college. So maybe it is that way in the Duggar circle. JB and Michelle do make considerably more than their friends do.

My family (Russian and Polish) have a tradition of kids staying home until they have saved enough to buy their own place. Home ownership is highly valued in the culture I grew up in, and it is uncommon for a child to move on their own prior to reaching this goal. I have a brother who is 2 years older than I am and he and I were the only ones among many cousins to leave prior to buying our first homes.

My daughter stayed home until she was 21, and established in her career (chef). It was delightful for me, because I was single parent, and it gave me the opportunity to share adult time with her.

[JenniferJuniper]

I know times are tough, but I think the sooner adults leave the parental home the better off they'll ultimately be. Life skills and independence are best learned young, and frankly, with a 16 year old, it scares me to see so many late 20 and 30 somethings living with Mom and Dad. At 18 you are at your physical peak. Working 2 or 3 part-time jobs is more do-able at that age and sharing an apartment with other young people, while not as comfy as being at home, is an excellent way to gain truly important life skills you'll never learn under your parents roof.

I wouldn't kick an 18 year old out if she was going to school full time or working to save for a deposit and first and last month's rent, but I would gently, yet consistently, be stressing the need for her to be planning for a more independent life. I want my daughter to be a successful, confident and independent woman, and it's my job to help get her there.

I absolutely would kick out an able bodied 18 year old who refused to work or go to school. My darlings already know this, so I don't anticipate it being much of a problem. :P

[EmmieJ]

What would people like the Duggars do with all their time if they stopped using it to feel superior to others?

Some parents may indeed push their children out the door when they turn 18 -- but they are in the minority. In fact, I hear more often about fundamentalists who excommunicate their adult children from the family for such things as a) coming out as gay or lesbian; or b) leaving the parents' religion (yes Anna's parents, I'm looking at you here), or otherwise doing something that goes against the parents' wishes.

There's a difference between allegedly "pushing your children out the door at 18" and raising them to become independent adults who will naturally want to move out and live on their own at some point in time. For many, college is a way for the young adults to learn how to live somewhat on their own, while still in a safer environment of a dorm. For others, they may move out right away and then realize they aren't ready (financially very often) to live on their own and return to their parents' home. I moved back home each summer between college terms, and then again once when I was even more fully an adult. Each time, my parents welcomed me back. My mom and I would take turns cooking, and I would buy groceries, help clean the house and do light yard work (because my mom wouldn't accept any rent).

The Duggars' view of "most people" is completely out of touch with reality. The real truth is that Michele would freak out if all of her daughters over 18 suddenly up and moved out and left her with the raising of her own children. She can barely take care of even one of her own kids.

[marmalade]

Total speculation on my part, but it sounds to me like the subject of one of the kids leaving home has come up off camera, and this is just Boob's way of laying a guilt trip. Kinda like "You just don't know how good you have it. Most parents kick their kids out at 18. I'm letting you stay until you get married, and all you can think about is leaving? You're being really selfish right now!"

Free room and board until they marry, and all they have to do in return is cook, clean, raise kids, and let Daddy do all their thinking for them.

I think his TH was a CYA for the criticism the Bateses got when Lawson was shown buying groceries for the family. Sean knew they had to have the scene with JD renting the heavy equipment and buying the (now dead) flowers and Boob's statements about how kids "pitch in as part of the family until IT'S TIME to leave" was uber disturbing on so many levels. He didn't mention that it's only "time" when they get married, or whether JD paid for that stuff out of pocket with no hope of being reimbursed by his millionaire cheapskate of a father. After that CYA, I now wonder how much (if any) money JD gets to keep from his barely breathing towing business. Frankly, the CYA TH segment dug the Duggars an even bigger hole with their typical vague responses.

FWIW, I'm in a lame debate with a Duggar lover on TWOP (a newbie who doesn't know better) about the stupid perinneal flowers they planted. She seems to think the Duggars wanted beauty and the flowers will grow back. Dumbshit sheeple.

[lilwriter85]

I think his TH was a CYA for the criticism the Bateses got when Lawson was shown buying groceries for the family. Sean knew they had to have the scene with JD renting the heavy equipment and buying the (now dead) flowers and Boob's statements about how kids "pitch in as part of the family until IT'S TIME to leave" was uber disturbing on so many levels. He didn't mention that it's only "time" when they get married, or whether JD paid for that stuff out of pocket with no hope of being reimbursed by his millionaire cheapskate of a father. After that CYA, I now wonder how much (if any) money JD gets to keep from his barely breathing towing business. Frankly, the CYA TH segment dug the Duggars an even bigger hole with their typical vague responses.

FWIW, I'm in a lame debate with a Duggar lover on TWOP (a newbie who doesn't know better) about the stupid perinneal flowers they planted. She seems to think the Duggars wanted beauty and the flowers will grow back. Dumbshit sheeple.

Aww the Duggar lovers on twop. I have noticed that some Duggar lovers don't post much on twop. This newbie might not stick around.

[emmiedahl]

I know times are tough, but I think the sooner adults leave the parental home the better off they'll ultimately be. Life skills and independence are best learned young, and frankly, with a 16 year old, it scares me to see so many late 20 and 30 somethings living with Mom and Dad.

I think part of it is cultural as well. My mother's family is Central Asian and Eastern European Jew. Extended family living situations are normal, and totally how I grew up. When my youngest sister moved out at 18, she moved to my house. It's nice that we had a few decades in which American children could leave home with minimal education and make it on their own, but that time is past. No use beating a dead horse.

I have had a few rebounders and late leavers among my stepchildren. Living in your family home as an adult is no fun, as the Duggar's older children likely know. There are so many reasons to move out that I have never felt the need to supply more.

[anniebgood]

My son will be 24 this week. He was working full time and then got laid off. He's been job hunting for over a year. He's at home because he can't afford anything here on his unemployment. His sister works full time and goes to school 1/2 time. She will be the one who leaves first. Most of his friends work and live at home.

Here in LA it's not the easiest to find affordable housing. We live in what's considered a not so good city and pay $1900 rent for a duplex. Across the street in the better zip code, we'd be looking at 2300 and up for what we have here. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

[lilwriter85]

My son will be 24 this week. He was working full time and then got laid off. He's been job hunting for over a year. He's at home because he can't afford anything here on his unemployment. His sister works full time and goes to school 1/2 time. She will be the one who leaves first. Most of his friends work and live at home.

Here in LA it's not the easiest to find affordable housing. We live in what's considered a not so good city and pay $1900 rent for a duplex. Across the street in the better zip code, we'd be looking at 2300 and up for what we have here. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

I have friends and relatives who are in their 20's and in the same situation and they moved back with their parents due to job loss, problems finding jobs, high rent or not making enough money to pay high rent.

[latraviata]

You know, the only kind of people I'm aware of who have the attitude of wanting to kick out the kids as soon as they turn 18 are lower class type people anyway. It seems obvious that normal, every-day families don't do that. But of course, the Duggars are so elite with their mentality that they probably do view the rest of the world who aren't like them as lower class.....so therefore, assuming that we all kick out our kids at 18 must be logical to them.

Ack.

Well I am not exactly from a low class family and I didn't kick my children out at 18, but I encouraged them to leave the nest.

In my country children going to university start living on their own. Children from the lower class families and first generation going to university prefer to stay at home.

[FlorenceHamilton]

I enjoyed reading the responses to this thread. My own experience was awkward. My parents felt that it was too much of a financial burden to send me away to college. And although they were certainly not fundie in any way, they had a weird thing about young female adults living outside the home. So I lived at home and commuted to a major University in a large city. I also held a part time job to pay for my clothing, entertainment and personal things. It becamse very uncomfortable and even miserable as those four years progressed. At 21, after graduation, I moved out. This my parents still interpret as "running away from home".

Anyway, I think that the college years...or anyone's years between 18-21 or so are years that a person needs to make a little bit of space from their parents. They need to live on their own and learn the skills a person needs to be an individual in the world and to survive and thrive. Those years are also a time that parents still provide quite a bit of support, emotionally and financially, as they are gradually more and more able to fly on their own.

The concept of 18 years olds being thrown out of "worldly" people's homes is a flat out lie intended to frighten the kids into submission. Wordly parents introduce independence the same way they introduce every other part of child rearing. They encourage and teach the skills that are needed and then have the child try it out themselves. Growing up is a stepwise process and parents guide the child through the steps until the child is independent. It starts way before adulthood.

Now that I am thinking about it, the Duggars and other QF families give the children opportunity to learn certain growing up skills at a very young age. Domestic duties for girls and repair chores for boys are common. What they do not get are experiences such as managing a small bank account on their own, managing their own time, learning to think critically about a situation and make independent decisions, coping with uncomfortable emotions, and interacting with people who are very different than themselves.

[Justme]

Shelly was 17 when they married. How old was Boob? Wasn't he 18 or 19? I wonder if they lived with parents when first married.

[lilwriter85]

Shelly was 17 when they married. How old was Boob? Wasn't he 18 or 19? I wonder if they lived with parents when first married.

I think Boob was already 18. I remember hearing that when they first married they moved into one of Boob's parents' rental properties. But I might be wrong.

[bananacat]

The Duggars are such hypocrites. For those families that kick their kids out at 18, JB accuses them of being cruel and un-loving. For the families that support their kids well past 18, JB acts like he's better than them because his kids are so speshul that they can support themselves and a family at a younger age (which isn't actually true). Basically no matter what you do, JB will disapprove.

[marmalade]

Boob was 19 and Mulllet was a month shy of 18. Boob NOW is delusional, parroting the party line about "throwing your kids out when they're 18 or 21" (that was his direct quote). He went on to say that kids shouldn't leave the home until it's "time" and that until then, they "contribute" to the home. As I said earlier, I think they added his commentary later, in the wake of the Bates mess. He was very careful not to mention financial matters, but his voice over accompanied scenes of JD working and paying for stuff at the garden center. The implicit hint was pretty clear.