Shannon: another adoption crazy.

[LilMissMetaphor]

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 I will admit we didn't do any research on Ukraine adoptions 

Or, like, on any kind of adoptions at all??

 

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We never wanted the adoption to end this way, but If I could go back I would of never brought Z home all the red flags were there and my gut said leave him and adopt another child but my heart deceived me

I can't even.

Her blog is http://timsfan39.blogspot.com/

 

[Joyleaf]

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...then told him that when you turn 18 you can bring your Bio Mom over to live in America with you. When we heard this story we couldn't believe it, and told him they lied to you and she can't come to America to live.

Does the adoption make him a US citizen? And if that's the case, can he bring his mom, as immediate relative, to the US?
Or is she not his immediate relative then anymore because the adoption cuts the family ties?

[Lurky]

26 minutes ago, Joyleaf said:

Does the adoption make him a US citizen? And if that's the case, can he bring his mom, as immediate relative, to the US?
Or is she not his immediate relative then anymore because the adoption cuts the family ties?

I think the weirdest thing is that this woman adopted a teenager (an older teen?) who had a living parent.  I don't understand how she thought that would work?

[ladyamylynn]

It's interesting (horribly depressing)  to scroll back through her facebook photos to see everything she posted prior to the adoption and then just see the kid disappear like it never happened. She seems like a delightful blend of ultra-naive and over-confident.

[Anonymousguest]

57 minutes ago, Lurky said:

I think the weirdest thing is that this woman adopted a teenager (an older teen?) who had a living parent.  I don't understand how she thought that would work?

Many children in foreign orphanages are not orphans in the sense that they do not have living parents. They often have parents who are unable to care for them because of extreme poverty. They put them in orphanages with the hopes they will be adopted to wealthier countries. It's their way of giving their children opportunities they cannot provide (you know, like food). War and natural disaster torn areas they may be actual orphans, or may be separated from family. 

Some of these older kids do get adopted and keep in touch with their families and parents of origin. I know a family with 4 kids,  2 sets of siblings who who have made every effort for their kids to keep a relationship with their bio families, even taking them back to their birth country several times. The kids all plan to return after their educations to help their country in various ways (one is in medical school now, another plans to be a teacher another sells her art to raise awareness and sends the money to the orphanage she lived in). 

So anyway, yes, with the proper attitude and support it can work to adopt an older child with living parents. 

[elliha]

1 hour ago, Joyleaf said:

Does the adoption make him a US citizen? And if that's the case, can he bring his mom, as immediate relative, to the US?
Or is she not his immediate relative then anymore because the adoption cuts the family ties?

I don't know how it works in the US but in my country an adopted child could not do this as this relation is cut but the adoption. 

[freedom_for_all]

Ooof we adopted my baby sister when she was 1 from Eastern Europe. She is not an orphan and as far as I/my parents know was given up for adoption willing by her bio family.

[Mercer]

Let me get this straight. She adopted an older institutionalized child, having done virtually no research or preparation beforehand, and based this life-changing decision on the fact that his photo was cute... and she has the audacity to blame the child for what happened?

Don't get me wrong, Z sounds very difficult to parent, but she and her husband are the adults in this situation. It was their responsibility to make a good decision and see it through, neither of which they were able to do, and I see no accountability whatsoever for that fact.

I think it's very telling about her whole attitude that she refers to Z repeatedly as her "adopted son" while the other kids are just "our children."

[Carm_88]

Ick! I can't even deal with people like this. I can't even stand it when people adopt puppies without putting the work into researching the breed that they are getting/their needs. To take Z out of Ukraine, yes he's a handful, and expect him to just be fine, is silly. Poor Z. 

[dianapavelovna]

This is relatively minor, but, man, someone introduce that lady to paragraphs.

[Terrie]

There's a lot missing from her story. Were they already approved to adopt from Ukraine when they met Z? I don't believe those summer visit programs are intended to match children with families. She never mentions what information she was given on him. It's all about what he did, nothing about what she might have done differently. 

[alexandracabot]

It seems crazy that people are allowed to adopt older kids from institutions without doing any training or research to know what they're getting into.

Some of the comments from parents "supporting" her are so gross. Like this one, about RAD:

"I wish we had never adopted pre-teens from the Philippines. They are no longer a part of our family."

[LilMissMetaphor]

Of course she spouts off about not judging and "you don't know how hard it is until you've gone through it yourself."  It's not that I can't empathize; I can imagine it would be incredibly difficult.  But the way she proclaims that she's a Christian and yet she pitches the whole thing like it's an epic battle between her and her child and all she wants to do is "win"? Crush him under her heel? She admits that she didn't properly prepare, that (as Mercer noted above) she picked him out because his picture was cute? She doesn't take any responsibility for her mistakes, it's just all "look how hard this is for ME, how much money I'VE spent, how bad MY emotional turmoil has been."  So shitty.

[heidi]

I'm an adoptee and every single one of her posts makes me sick to my stomach. She is so incredibly selfish and self-centered. All she can think about is herself. That poor boy. He just wanted to bring his mother to live in American and when he was told no and shut down of course he lashed out. That poor, poor boy  Her latest post, crowing about how she "won" is absolutely horrifying. 

I hope she is haunted for the rest of her life by her actions. That not a day goes by where she doesn't wake up and realize that she's a shitty person.

[Jencendiary]

I wish I could unleash my moms (adoptive and biological) on these people. Asses would be whooped, Jesus would be invoked, fried chicken would be fed to all children in a 20 mile radius.

I have GOT to stop reading these threads. Of everything we discuss, I find these the most distressing.

[Jess]

I really hate foreign adoptions. These couples all raise 20k+ to fund the adoption. When so often the children could stay with their family's of origin if that money was used to help feed and care for the child at home. I honestly wish more countries would ban international adoption or increases costs and give money to organizations that work to keep children in heir homes.

[Lurky]

4 hours ago, Jess said:

I really hate foreign adoptions. These couples all raise 20k+ to fund the adoption. When so often the children could stay with their family's of origin if that money was used to help feed and care for the child at home. I honestly wish more countries would ban international adoption or increases costs and give money to organizations that work to keep children in heir homes.

I wish I could favourite this a thousand times.

I absolutely understand that parents give babies up for adoption that they can't parent (my partner who's adopted, for instance), and that some international orphanages are better options for children than starving with their parents, so older children get sent to them - but I can't understand how people genuinely think the expense of an international adoption, taking children away from their culture, so often even their native language, etc etc, is better than supporting the child to live with their parents, when the only reason they can't is financial. 

Adopting babies (while working to keep them connected to their culture) - of course I'm behind that.  But adopting older children, who know that their birth parents really want them, but can't afford them - that seems such a recipe for disaster, in so many ways.  Maybe the kids grow up fine, but wow, there must be emotional scars there.  I hated it when Madonna did it, and I hate it when the Fundies do it.

[Soulhuntress]

I have no problem with international adoptions IF the adoptive family recognizes the child comes with a language and culture and they make every effort to keep the child connected.  And IF they work through a reputable agency and have support systems and will advocate for said kid.  A child is not Ore-Ida instant mashed potatoes where you add water and Poof you are a family.  It is a long haul and huge props to foster and adoptive families.

[CrazyLurkerLady]

I really don't get why there's such an obsession with international adoption in these groups. Is it because there's less oversight? Or because they can introduce them to Jesus? There are so many kids in foster care right here in the US and it would be easier, cheaper, and less disruptive to the kids to adopt domestically. 

ETA: XH and I investigated both options when we had such a hard time getting pregnant and the difference was striking. I still haven't ruled out adopting a child sometime in the future (like maybe in a decade) and I would definitely adopt from the foster system.

[Jencendiary]

45 minutes ago, CrazyLurkerLady said:

I really don't get why there's such an obsession with international adoption in these groups. Is it because there's less oversight? Or because they can introduce them to Jesus? There are so many kids in foster care right here in the US and it would be easier, cheaper, and less disruptive to the kids to adopt domestically.

From my understanding, the disruption is a feature, not a bug. With kids that come from impoverished parents overseas, there's less of a chance a biological father or other family member can come back into the kids' lives or try and take custody. Explaining to prospective adoptive parents that kids' pasts aren't wiped clean when you take them home was my least favorite part of interacting with the adoption community online while I was searching for my bio-family.

[smittykins]

There used to be a show on the old Discovery Health Network called Adoption Stories, and I remember on one of the episodes,the  prospective parents said explicitly that the reason they were pursuing international adoption was so they wouldn't have to deal with birth parents. 

[crawfishgirl]

1 hour ago, smittykins said:

There used to be a show on the old Discovery Health Network called Adoption Stories, and I remember on one of the episodes,the  prospective parents said explicitly that the reason they were pursuing international adoption was so they wouldn't have to deal with birth parents. 

A former coworker of mine adopted internationally, and she had a similar concern.  She said that in America that a birth parent has one year to change their minds, and she said that she couldn't handle the uncertainty of a year of wondering if her child would be taken from her.  I understand both sides of that argument.  I'm not overly familiar with how the adoption process works, but I wonder if it would be beneficial to all parties if that timeframe was decreased.  

Back on the original topic - I can't imagine someone stupid enough to make such a huge life-changing decision such as adopting an older child internationally without doing a ton of research first.  Hell, I research everything before I move forward.  Even something as minor as getting a fitbit at Christmas caused me an hour of research so that I could determine which model would be best for me.  It would take me many, many months of research, professional consultations, etc., before making such a life-altering decision as adoption - no one wants to go into a situation with blinders on (except for that adoptive mom, of course...) and cause such a major screw-up.

[SnazzyNazzy]

I think it was last year, that Netflix had a documentary about a family that adopted three Russian kids at once, The Dark Matter of Love was what it was called.

I found the movie to be quite sad, and a visual interpretation of "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". The thing that stood out to me the most, was the crippling language barrier. It was almost like the American parents had the attitude of "I don't need to learn Russian, because these kids will be speaking English", while the kids had the attitude of "why are they making me give up my own language".

I truly felt for those three kids. It has to be a mindfuck of epic proportions, to go from everything that they know, to something entirely different, with absolutely no way to effectively talk about it because of the language barrier. 

Man, that movie gave me the serious sads.

[heidi]

1 hour ago, crawfishgirl said:

A former coworker of mine adopted internationally, and she had a similar concern.  She said that in America that a birth parent has one year to change their minds, and she said that she couldn't handle the uncertainty of a year of wondering if her child would be taken from her.  I understand both sides of that argument.  I'm not overly familiar with how the adoption process works, but I wonder if it would be beneficial to all parties if that timeframe was decreased.  

That's not true? Once the adoption papers are signed the adoption is finalized. The adoptee is even reissued a new birth certificate with their adoptive parents listed as their parents. Was your coworker maybe talking about fostering?

[NakedKnees]

Wow, this woman is infuriating. I'm not an expert on any of this, but no matter how hard, dangerous, and unfair your circumstance is- the adoptive parent is the party in power, and it's wrong to paint a minor child as an offender and the adoptive parent as a victim. "Won the battle"... wtf?? 

That kid has been through the wringer. I hope he gets real help before his life becomes impossible to repair. And shame on every person and institute and teaching that allowed such clueless parents to adopt a 13 year old from the other side of the world.