Parts of fundiedom you miss?

[GenerationCedarchip]

I know there are several fundie-lite or ex-fundie folks on here, so I figured you might think about this, too. Most folks on here would probably consider me fundie-lite nowadays, but I was raised in Reformed fundie and like some in that corner of fundie, I grew up skirts only, headcovering in church, very closely supervised, lots of time spent on learning all the rules of good fundie maiden behavior, scary church discipline  etc...

Without going into my whole journey away from some of that, I have to say that even though I am happy in my beliefs, there are times when I do miss parts of fundie-dom. I miss the closeknit community(not every fundie church is off the rails and dysfunctional - though mine certainly had its times of being so). Unlike some churches where folks are told to stick to their own families, close friendships were valued in my old church and I do miss that - the crazy discipline stuff that came down from the elders unnerved me but I did love my small group.  I sometimes miss the feeling of purpose that worship and church life took on in fundiedom.

I'm sure I'll think of more later, but there's where I will start. 

[AmazonGrace]

I was never full out fundie if it's defined skirts only, head covering in church, closely supervised. But  I miss the music at church... and that there was always somewhere to go on Saturday nights.

[Gimme a Free RV]

10 minutes ago, GenerationCedarchip said:

I was raised in Reformed fundie and like some in that corner of fundie, I grew up skirts only, headcovering in church, very closely supervised, lots of time spent on learning all the rules of good fundie maiden behavior, scary church discipline  etc...

 

May I guess?  (You don't have to tell me if I'm right or not.)  Mennonite Brethren?  Beachy Amish?

My parents have switched from being Southern Baptists to Independent Baptists (think "Bob Jones" type).  I have to admit.  There are some musically talented people in their church!

[SledCat]

I grew up IFB, and left when I was an older teenager (my parents remained in the church). I felt a great sense of relief when I left.

I will say though that one thing I did always admire was that members seemed to be looked out for. I'd describe several members of the church as a bit "quirky". They almost certainly would have had a rough time maintaining friendships in "the real world". I'll give it to the church. They always seemed to be a good support system: didn't show up for Sunday service for a few weeks? They'd make a call to check in. Not feeling well this week? Someone has taken some home cooked meals for your freezer, and offered you a ride to the doctor. That kind of thing. I think that's genuinely kind.

[GenerationCedarchip]

27 minutes ago, SledCat said:

I grew up IFB, and left when I was an older teenager (my parents remained in the church). I felt a great sense of relief when I left.

I will say though that one thing I did always admire was that members seemed to be looked out for. I'd describe several members of the church as a bit "quirky". They almost certainly would have had a rough time maintaining friendships in "the real world". I'll give it to the church. They always seemed to be a good support system: didn't show up for Sunday service for a few weeks? They'd make a call to check in. Not feeling well this week? Someone has taken some home cooked meals for your freezer, and offered you a ride to the doctor. That kind of thing. I think that's genuinely kind.

Yes. There was a lot of this in my old church as well.  It made for a very closeknit circle, and I did love that.  

 

@Gimme a Free RV - I didn't come from any of the Amish/Mennonite/Brethren churches.  My family was in a reformed Presbyterian church. There's lots of variance in practice, even among the conservative Presby denominations, but my church's members tended to run fundie-lite to fundie, with a gloss of Vision Forum legalism thrown in. 

[Hane]

Former mainstream Catholic, now UU, never been remotely fundie here:. The sense of belonging is what I like most about the little church I attend now (we have some 100 members, plus kids and friends who visit).  When I had pneumatic a few years ago, the pastor called to check in with me and asked if there were anything I needed.

[polecat]

I grew up IFB, and yes, that sense of community was strong. People were so warm and friendly, and they'd bring casseroles over after birth, host wedding/ baby showers, "love bomb" you ... And when you leave, you're gone. You're dead to them. They don't call or visit to see you anymore, and if they see you out in town, they either politely nod and say hi briefly or they pass right by without "seeing" you. I miss the friendships even though I know in my heart they were illusory and conditional.

[samurai_sarah]

1 hour ago, polecat said:

I grew up IFB, and yes, that sense of community was strong. People were so warm and friendly, and they'd bring casseroles over after birth, host wedding/ baby showers, "love bomb" you ... And when you leave, you're gone. You're dead to them. They don't call or visit to see you anymore, and if they see you out in town, they either politely nod and say hi briefly or they pass right by without "seeing" you. I miss the friendships even though I know in my heart they were illusory and conditional.

That sounds terribly cruel. I'm sorry you went through that.

[Jingerbread]

I was raised in church, to be something like fundy lite by parents who say they made a lot of mistakes and wanted to prevent me from making the same mistakes, I guess since I was the girl and girls have the babies.  Funny though that I was the kid who wasn't ever in trouble, but my brothers were.

I do miss the sense of community in church, but I didn't care for ignoring people who left.  We were taught they were going the wrong way, and would pull us down.  I was eventually that person shunned, but I do miss the feeling of belonging.

[nomoxian]

I was never fundie, but I did go to Mormon church as a kid. The only thing I really miss is the non-religious group activities like baseball, bowling or board games. I even miss the cheesy square dances. I haven't been able to find a secular version of that!!

[Marshmallow World]

There are time when I miss the closed-mindedness. Let me explain: I was taught to accept everything I was told, and ignore or disregard things that contradict it (like science and sociology). I've changed a lot, but I have to admit that life was a lot easier when everything was black and white. I would never go back to that worldview, but it was nice to think that this is wrong and that is right. It was especially comforting when someone passed away - they were in heaven. Which is good.

Heh, I shouldn't try to be philosophical after work

 

[Geechee Girl]

I miss different thing from different churches.

COGIC/SB/AOG: charismatic worship, Holy Ghost ring shout, revivals, church band & gospel choirs

SDA: keeping Sabbath w/community

[onlyme]

3 hours ago, polecat said:

I grew up IFB, and yes, that sense of community was strong. People were so warm and friendly, and they'd bring casseroles over after birth, host wedding/ baby showers, "love bomb" you ... And when you leave, you're gone. You're dead to them. They don't call or visit to see you anymore, and if they see you out in town, they either politely nod and say hi briefly or they pass right by without "seeing" you. I miss the friendships even though I know in my heart they were illusory and conditional.

This. 

I did like the music in our church. The familiarity of it all. The feeling that there might be community, though that was all illusion. Actually I was never more lonely than I was those years. But sometimes I wish it could have been what I hoped it would be in the beginning. 

[Evangeline]

I miss individual people. We had a really fun youth group, but that was specific to my church, not an IFB thing. I miss the KJV because I do think it's the most beautiful, poetic translation. I left ages ago and post lots of liberal things on Facebook. My IFB friends may be despairing for my soul, but I'm not shunned. We didn't shun in my church. My church had a lot of beliefs I now find actively harmful, but it wasn't cult-y or anywhere near as awful as the churches I've read about here.

 

[SledCat]

That's very interesting. I didn't think about the "shunning" aspect for those that left the church. That's probably because I was quite young, left willingly, and didn't want to maintain a relationship with anyone there (though I did have some friends, we grew apart).

I can think of an anecdote of a couple of people that left the church, and went to a more liberal Baptist church. They were actively "prayed for" (imo, gossiped about) for quite some time in our circles. I hadn't thought about it, but I suppose it's very true what @polecat mentioned, that the support the church offers is conditional.

[Catey]

I miss the fun youth activities, the late night bowling, the scavenger hunts and a small nerdy part of me misses getting a good role in the Christmas play and the ladies measuring me for my outfit/costume for it.

Though one year I had to be a sheep, seriously a sheep all because the Pastor had 5 girls all close in age to me so Mary and the angels were all filled that year....

[BackseatMom]

The thought of the relationships being conditional really makes me think. I've always been a tiny bit jealous of the close knit communities that many fundies seem to have.

[purple_summer]

I also miss the community and the built in friends. It's hard being out in the "real world" and finding people who can understand your upbringing (and be supportive/respectful) when you're not used to having to work at relationships. I miss the predictability of life and not having the same level of uncertainty in day to day life.

I wouldn't want to go back but I don't think it was all bad. 

[O Latin]

I was never really fundie, but I did go through a wannabe fundie phase where I wore long skirts from the thrift store and wrote blog posts about modesty and saving myself for marriage. The one thing I miss from that phase is not being brand conscious. When my fundie phase ended, I went completely in the other direction clothes-wise, wearing only new name brand stuff. It's been years and I'm still trying to convince myself it's okay to wear no name jeans now an then. 

[foreign fundie]

I think in my heart I have never been fundie. Actually neither was my family. But we lived in a fundie area where school and churches were mostly fundie too. I did have a phase where I tried to keep all their rules in order to be fully approved (my family was viewed with suspicion and I wanted acceptance), but that ended when I found a fundie light husband who could not be approved by the church and who was't going to spend his life trying.

I never left the church but moved far enough away that I could no longer attend. That was a great relief in some ways. What I miss is the predictable routine of the weekend. Meeting friends to sing together on Saturday evening. The euphoric feeling when church was finally over and we could enjoy good food with friends and family. The Sunday afternoon walks in the forest. The quiet Sunday evenings reading by the fire or playing board games. Sunday was really different from other days. A true break in the week. No TV or other media,  no shopping,  no homework,  not leaving town. Time to meet people and talk. Although I still attend church every week, there is much less distinction and my weeks are one big blur of activities.

[mama4cor]

8 hours ago, polecat said:

I grew up IFB, and yes, that sense of community was strong. People were so warm and friendly, and they'd bring casseroles over after birth, host wedding/ baby showers, "love bomb" you ... And when you leave, you're gone. You're dead to them. They don't call or visit to see you anymore, and if they see you out in town, they either politely nod and say hi briefly or they pass right by without "seeing" you. I miss the friendships even though I know in my heart they were illusory and conditional.

This rings so true to my experience. I grew up JW. It was a close knit and caring community. I was disfellowshipped at 17, and I lost everyone and everything that I had for all those years. It was devastating. Even after all these years I still sometimes miss that feeling of community & it sometimes still hurts that those who I considered friends could just walk away and act as though I never existed.

[Trynn]

I miss adventist veggie meat. I'm jonesing for fri chick.

But most of all, I miss having friends who loved me.

[Gimme a Free RV]

Still affiliated (somewhat) with the SBC but not deeply involved, I can tell you what I don't miss:  "prayer request" time.  It would go something like this:

Hey, will ya'll please pray for Susan and Dan's oldest son?  He's left home and gotten in with the wrong crowd.  I saw him the other day, holding hands with one of the married mothers at my child's elementary school.  They got in her car together and drove off.  Someone saw him with a meth pipe in a back alley the other evening but I don't think he saw them. Susan's been losing sleep over this and her's and Dan's relationship is suffering because of it.  They fight over silly things and are sleeping in separate bedrooms, now.  He left home for a week to visit his sister and didn't bother to call Susan that entire time.  She found an empty bottle of Tequila in his car when he came back but he swore he had picked it up off the road to keep cars from running over it and shattering it and he meant to find a dumpster to throw it in.  Add to that, Susan's mom is in the hospital with a gangrenous toenail that needs to be removed and her mother doesn't have insurance, so they aren't sure they can pay for her stay but she'll lose her toe if they don't remove the nail soon.  My own nerves are just shattered, worrying and praying for this family and I've been losing sleep, waking up late, getting to work late, and I've been called into my supervisor's office over it a couple of times, adding to my stress.  I cried in front of my supervisor and I think he felt sorry for me.  He gave me a tissue, sat beside me, and put his hand on my knee to comfort me.  Well, I reported him to our HR department for sexual harassment and he's been placed on probationary status until the grievance committee can meet and decide on the action that needs to be taken.  The other people in the office aren't talking to me and I feel like I'm being persecuted.  Someone left a Gideon New Testament open on my desk to the part where Jesus says "Let him among you who is without sin cast the first stone."  What is that supposed to mean?  Am I being blamed for reporting my supervisor's advances?  I've gained 10 pounds over the last month and don't have the extra money for weekly weigh-ins and meetings at Weight Watchers.  Plus, the price of gas just went up 10 cents a gallon and I'm having to cut back on my trips into town, except for church on Sundays and Wednesdays, of course.

So...if ya'll could just remember to pray for Susan and Dan.  Thank you.

[manda b]

I didn't grow up fundie, but I did grow up in SBC. I miss singing the hymns.

[foreign fundie]

34 minutes ago, Gimme a Free RV said:

Still affiliated (somewhat) with the SBC but not deeply involved, I can tell you what I don't miss:  "prayer request" time.  It would go something like this:

Hey, will ya'll please pray for Susan and Dan's oldest son?  He's left home and gotten in with the wrong crowd.  I saw him the other day, holding hands with one of the married mothers at my child's elementary school.  They got in her car together and drove off.  Someone saw him with a meth pipe in a back alley the other evening but I don't think he saw them. Susan's been losing sleep over this and her's and Dan's relationship is suffering because of it.  They fight over silly things and are sleeping in separate bedrooms, now.  He left home for a week to visit his sister and didn't bother to call Susan that entire time.  She found an empty bottle of Tequila in his car when he came back but he swore he had picked it up off the road to keep cars from running over it and shattering it and he meant to find a dumpster to throw it in.  Add to that, Susan's mom is in the hospital with a gangrenous toenail that needs to be removed and her mother doesn't have insurance, so they aren't sure they can pay for her stay but she'll lose her toe if they don't remove the nail soon.  My own nerves are just shattered, worrying and praying for this family and I've been losing sleep, waking up late, getting to work late, and I've been called into my supervisor's office over it a couple of times, adding to my stress.  I cried in front of my supervisor and I think he felt sorry for me.  He gave me a tissue, sat beside me, and put his hand on my knee to comfort me.  Well, I reported him to our HR department for sexual harassment and he's been placed on probationary status until the grievance committee can meet and decide on the action that needs to be taken.  The other people in the office aren't talking to me and I feel like I'm being persecuted.  Someone left a Gideon New Testament open on my desk to the part where Jesus says "Let him among you who is without sin cast the first stone."  What is that supposed to mean?  Am I being blamed for reporting my supervisor's advances?  I've gained 10 pounds over the last month and don't have the extra money for weekly weigh-ins and meetings at Weight Watchers.  Plus, the price of gas just went up 10 cents a gallon and I'm having to cut back on my trips into town, except for church on Sundays and Wednesdays, of course.

So...if ya'll could just remember to pray for Susan and Dan.  Thank you.

I have been in many similar meetings. The difference being that people's own problems were either external (broken car type issues) or conveniently in the past. I used to get mad with friends sharing how God helped them mightily through a horrendous time of testing in their faith/ marriage/ family life, yet while going through this time of testing they pretended all was well so you felt like you were the only one struggling.