If you were in their shoes....? If You Were a SAHD

[luv2laugh]

What would you do if you were a Fundie young lady? Stay an old maid and be a Stay At Home Daughter for the rest of your life most likely or get married off to a Fundie guy that you weren't really attracted to and was controlling? I've always wondered what I would do if I was in their shoes.

[Guest Anonymous]

Well, I would run away...failing that I'd wink at the hottest fundie guy in my church and defraud him as soon as possible.

[Lillybee]

I think that depends of the parents. If I were a Maxwell girl, any husband, controlling or not, can not be worse than Steve.

[tehgoobster]

It's hard, if not impossible, for me to say what I'd have done if I'd been raised that way without actually having been raised that way. I'm fairly strong-willed, and I tend to question everything, so I think it's possible that I would have had doubts had I been raised in the movement. The thing is, it's possible that many SAHDs truly believe that the Bible endorses patriarchy, SAHDs, etc. That said, even if a SAHD like that disliked her situation and found it difficult, she would likely feel that living according to biblical precepts (her father's interpretation of biblical precepts, that is) trumped her personal feelings. That's got to be a difficult situation to be in, huh? On the other hand, I'm sure that there are some SAHDs who are genuinely content with the way things are, just as I'm sure that there are some who actively want out.

[Effie]

I think that if I were in their shoes, I would have nothing else to compare to. If my husband was controlling and someone I felt no attraction to, I would probably think that's how it's supposed to be like. How would I understand attraction if I had been protected my whole life from "lustful" thoughts?

As a fundie, my life ambition would probably be to get married, so I assume I would prefer that than staying home with my daddy my whole life. After all, fundies want their own children and their own house to clean...

[Witsec5]

I would be pathetic, quilting things and collecting items for my hope chest waiting for my Prince Charming to come. My wish for my intended would have been for him to be a rebel of course and order me out of the life so I wouldn't have to have ten children. So sad but I think my temperament and early abuse was made for this sort of exploitation. Thank Jebus that I didn't come from that kind of family and had a half a brain to figure things out as life went along before too much damage was done.

[apple1]

Most here would definitely call the way I was raised fundie. Actually, rather extreme fundie.

What I did: Got a college education (still working in that profession today). This was relatively accepted by my father because it is a predominantly female profession. And in spite of being fundie, my dad valued education. (I know, paradoxical). SAHD meant living at home, but not forgoing a job. There was also a HUGE work ethic; sitting at home would have been considered laziness. I only had 3 siblings.

I was, however, expected to live at home while working in my profession (for 2 years after getting my degree). I ended up meeting my husband (of 34 years now) and moving out that way, but I was in the process of planning to join the Air Force when I decided that things were getting serious with my husband. The AF would have been my out.

[debrand]

The Air Force would probably have been a good option for me. I grew up close to a large military base. I've met many people that escaped a bad home life by joining the military.

I have no idea though if I would have been strong enough to leave. As a teen, I was very romantic. The way Vision Forum idealizes their lifestyle might have influenced me. Sad to say, I probably wouldn't have asked a lot of questions until I was married, with ten kids and unable to leave.

[dormouse]

It is very hard to tell because, as someone said, I was not raised with a glamorized vision of marriage and children. Quite the contrary in fact, when I was a teen, my mother would tell me: "Never have children. I beg you, never have children. And especially not with a European." (lovely isn't it?)

So I guess my choice would be SAHD. I would probably start a fundie-approved home-business, and most of my income would be mine since I'd live with my parents. According to them, SAHDs still have many different activities in their life sucj as babysitting, helping the elderly, playing a musical instrument, etc., so I would prefer that to a monotonous life of diapers-changing, bread-making and floor-scrubbing. But what about sex you'd say? Well, for now, my needs are minimal so I could do without (though I can't talk for in a decade, when I'm 40... I heard women's sexuality goes through the roof at that age, at least according to a friend of mine who is recently single and finds it very difficult because of that), and if fundie men are as controlling as my ex, sexually and otherwise, thanks but no thanks.

[gilora]

Assuming I didn't run away, I would probably choose SAHD. At least Daddy wouldn't saddle me with 10 kids to raise single-handedly.

[MamaJunebug]

While I'd like to think I'd've been as courageous as mamamcd, I'd probably have rationalized my situation and stuck with whatever came about, not really feeling I could choose.

Because it doesn't appear that a girl child in a Dominionist/QF family really has a whole lot of say in the SAHD/marriage choice. I wanted children of my own, so I'd've been praying to Gothard that Dad would hear from Above to find me a husband. But then I wasn't the eldest of 8 or 9 or 10 born to parents who expected nanny services from the elder girls.

Jane Austen, in a similar but not really similar situation, chose the Regency version of SAHD-hood in genteel poverty in which she could write her works, over the physically plush life she'd've had if she married that one fellow and given up her writing.. Name escapes me.

Edited to remain on-topic.

[bananacat]

If I had been raised fundie, I doubt I would have survived until adulthood. I was an extremely stubborn child. I was well-behaved overall, but not by fundie standards. I never got in trouble at school or hit other kids, but I absolutely did not joyfully obey when my mom told me to clean my room or eat my vegetables. It would have taken a lot of "chastisement" with an entire hardware store's worth of plumbing line to break my will. It probably would have killed me before actually making me obedient and I would have been one of those horror stories in the news.

If I somehow managed to survive to adulthood, I would plan everything out, try to hide away some money, and then run away on my 18th birthday. I would sneak around as much as possible to find resources, and maybe even steal small amounts of money here and there. I would keep the stash on me at all times so it couldn't found. I would memorize the phone number of a shelter or even just some person that I thought could help me. But I would act very casually so nobody would suspect anything. I'd pretend to go along with all the fundie stuff then one day, I would just be gone.

[fundiefan]

I have no idea. If I were raised in that environment and knew no better, I'd probably do exactly what the fundie daughters we talk about do - exactly what daddy says. If I'd ever had a taste of real life, and depending on how much, I'd walk out the door and not look back. I did that with the live I was living as a kid/teenager, and was out when I was 16. I knew there was more to life than what was going on in my home and I knew enough of myself that I needed, wanted and deserved more/better. But, lots of fundie girls don't know that because they have no exposure to life or other people or other values so, how can she believe there is something more when her entire life is what she's been told? If you don't know you are worth something on your own and simply because of who you are, then how would you have the confidence to take the risks and chances that come with walking away from your family and all you've ever known?

So, I guess I can't answer at all because I am not in their shoes.

[Austin]

I don't know for sure, having never been in that situation, but I am not very easily convinced of things (this was true of me from very young childhood, if family lore is accurate) and am just a natural skeptic. I'm also a very strong-willed person and always was the kid who asked the no-no questions in church. My folks were amused by this as opposed to my Sunday school teachers. But maybe if I had been switched as an infant and beaten into submission as a young child, my spirit could have been broken. I just don't know.

I would like to think I would escape. I would like to think that I would be counting down the days to my 18th birthday and high-tail it right out of there at 12:01 a.m. I realize that would be difficult, as normally these parents isolate their children from society, but I would hope that I could find a way to an organization or some people that would help me. I admire Ruth from Razing Ruth for this so much. She greatly feared her parents, particularly her father, but she still found the gumption to break away, even with the realization that she might never be able to come back. That takes real courage, and I would hope that I would have it.

[Joykins]

I find it very difficult to say what I'd do and I was raised mainstream/conservative evangelical. However, I was also raised in a family of very strong, educated, working women (my mother and aunt have graduate degrees, and both my grandmothers worked outside the home), who valued education and had books by Bertrand Russell shelved right next to their religious books. I don't know how much of my argumentativeness, snark, and irreverence is a product of that environment vs. my personality, because I am IRL a conflict-avoidant person. I'd probably go along with the outer life for a while and have this totally contradictory inner life and end up divorcing early or something because I couldn't take it anymore, which would suck for my kids (and I'd have kids. When I don't use birth control I am ridiculously fertile).

[JesusFightClub]

SAHD I think, and partly because fundie men always seem so ick. I would say that God hadn't laid it on my heart whenever presented with a suitor, and try and carve out a space in my life for my own interests. In time, I imagine I would make the break from fundieism, but it would be gradual, not dramatic.

[Guest Anonymous]

What would you do if you were a Fundie young lady? Stay an old maid and be a Stay At Home Daughter for the rest of your life most likely or get married off to a Fundie guy that you weren't really attracted to and was controlling? I've always wondered what I would do if I was in their shoes.

I pretty much did option two. My home life was utter hell, I didn't think getting married could be worse. It was. Married at 18, it took me four years to get myself together enough to divorce and leave.

[TMS]

Definitely the Air Force, or another branch of military (AF would be my first choice). I'm glad that is an option for a healthy woman looking for a way to escape.

[Austin]

I could be wrong about this, but with the military option, there's really not much parents can do about it once the commitment papers are signed. So they could throw a hissy until the [formerly] SAHD went to bootcamp, but they wouldn't have control over it.

I do wonder, though, if some of these girls even have enough education for the military. The military, from what I understand, does not just take anybody any more. Even when my brother chose the AF in 1989, he had to pass a fairly rigorous entrance exam. Maybe other branches are less stringent, I idk.

[Rosa]

I would have been beaten to death, I think. My dad is a drunk with a bad temper; i was a kid with ADHD. The Dobson-encouraged spankings were bad enough, if someone had handed him To Train Up a Child when I was a toddler, it would have been meat tenderizer time.

[PBrooke]

I have probably never been called "headstrong" in my life. I have been called "manipulative," "diplomatic" and other similar words. I would probably either try to work the system to my advantage - find and marry a guy I knew was not super-into the whole submission thing - or otherwise try to find subtle ways of improving my life. That is, if I didn't totally sully my reputation beforehand. For a girl who didn't have sex til after high school, with the guy she would marry, I still managed to let my hormones get me into all sorts of hot-and-heavy situations. Knowing teens - no, humans - the way I do, I figure there's got to be a lot less "guarding of hearts" than is let on.

[liltwinstar]

I was in their shoes, and if I'd stayed there, I would be dead by now. Maybe not physically dead (although there's a high probability of that), but emotionally/spiritually dead for sure.

I believed everything I was taught - that I was a horrible sinner, that I had to follow "god's will" no matter what, that the only way I'd marry was if God literally dropped someone in my lap, the whole thing. I went through a terrible depression at 14-15 because I had no hope for myself. Then I figured that if life was hopeless, I should just go join a convent (my family had converted to a fringe-type of Eastern Orthodoxy by then) and spend the rest of my life preparing for my death. I wanted to die, but suicide is an unforgivable sin...so, the convent was my plan.

Anyway, fortunately, the convent thing didn't work out (long story), and I ended up starting at community college at 18, totally clueless, still trying to hang on to the patrio beliefs I had been taught but also trying to carve out a life for myself...it was a really rocky road there but I did eventually emerge a better and stronger person.

I think I'm lucky in a lot of ways because my parents came out of fundiedom at roughly the same time I did. It was - well, still is - a rough road for me sometimes, and I've gone to many years of counseling, but it gets better. I've been out for around 9 years now, and it's AWESOME.

But my heart breaks when I think about Sarah Maxwell, or the Botkin girls, or the other, less-well-known girls still trying to make it in that system. I hope they can find freedom and peace.

[Avalondaughter]

Honestly, I could see myself getting married.

I've always been a little insecure and growing up I definitely romanticized and dreamed of marriage. I wanted it so badly. I was also flirting a bit with evangelical Christianity in my teens, so I really wanted to keep my virginity for marriage (although I was also flirting with feminism, so I could couch my decision to not have sex in feminist terms so I didn't sound too prudish). I wanted the wedding, the wedding night, the happily ever after.

If I continued trying to pursue a religious path, I think I would never have wised up about love and marriage. I could imagine that if I was a fundie girl, teetering on the brink of permanent SAHD-hood, a Quiverfull old maid, Sarah Maxwell/Anna Sofia Botkin, I would likely marry the guy. I would do whatever mental gymnastics it took to convince myself I was in love with him. I'd suck it up and take whatever positives I could muster out of the relationship and consider them to be virtues of our great marriage.

[lilah]

My sister (who is part of a totally mainstream, liberal Jewish family) is currently living at home for purely pragmatic reasons. Like many college grads she can't get a job with a living salary. She's fortunate that she has a job but it's in a field with super high turnover. She doesn't complain much about living at home but I can tell she isn't happy. I wish she could find work and be free to live on her own. She seems to be in a state of arrested adolescence, especially in how she relates to our parents.

I know I would be miserable as a SAHD. I'd probably be a lot like Jasmine Baucham. I love my parents very much but I'd be miserable living under their authority as an adult. I'd be a terrible fundie daughter. My independent, individualistic, strong willed tendencies would probably be beaten/disciplined out of me. My curiosity and love of learning would be channeled into only the most innocuous forms. I'd probably be a lot like Jasmine, in that regard, maybe not in taking the initiative to write a book or blog but that smugness that I was the sad little queen of a sad little hill, because I was poisoned to believe that I had gone as far as I can go, and not think about all other things I could be doing.

I think that as a SAHD I'd probably be stuck at home, miserably re-reading Pride and Prejudice for the ten billionth time and losing hope that I could meet my fundie dreamboat husband. I think that like some fundie girls I'd have built an idol of marriage up so high that I couldn't fathom marrying a guy unless he was 100% perfect husband material.

[Kitty]

I would be very miserable as an SAHD. I'd be even more miserable as a Wife. I was always well-behaved, and I'm quiet, but I'm very stubborn and independent at the same time. I don't deal well with people either, and quite frankly, having ONE sibling like my younger sister is enough, I don't need 10 more of her.

I also have had to deal with anxiety disorders from a pretty early age, it was hard enough dealing with them as a Southern Baptist In Name Only, and now it's only slightly easier as an atheist. I'd be paralyzed with fear in a fundy life with no way out.

I also have ADHD, co-morbid with Tourette's Syndrome. I've been medicated for both, though I'm no longer on the medications since I've found better ways to deal with them through diet. I have had various minor ailments on top of the psychological/neurological mess of a brain I have, and while forgoing makeup (for acne), bar soap (for general skin problems), caffeine (tourette's), definitely helped, if my parents were fundies they'd try all sorts of stupid shit first, rather than taking me to a doctor.

I'd also be stuck in my awful, awful hometown, but only exposed to like-minded people. I'd never get the hell out of there, even if I got married.

Edited to make a sentence actually make some sense.