Fundamentalist? or Old Fashioned...?

[Imrlgoddess]

This has been turning over and over in my head since I stumbled upon all the various sites and stories. As with most things, we try to associate our own experiences to better understand the situations others are in or have been put in. I've known for years that my mother was abusive, physically and mentally...that was a wee bit obvious...what I didn't know was what "spiritual abuse" was/is. Reading various accounts of it, my question is: Where's the line between Fundamentalism and old fashioned/outdated behaviors?

I'm from a really small town, very Bible belt, very Protestant...memorizing bible verses for punishment was common. My mother didn't use that particular method but she was fond of letting us know that what we did/thought/said was "sinful"...therefore ultimately shameful. My family was one of the few oddball Catholic ones. My sister and I were taught from youth that men are vile. I found out later on that this was due to my mothers own personal experiences with a vulgar uncle and a much older beau when she was just out of high school. The sentiments are the same though, men can't control themselves, if a woman is dressed "inappropriately" or in the wrong place at the wrong time she is responsible for whatever he may do to her...etc. A similar idea was held by both my aunt (10 years older than my mom) and their mother (arranged marriage in the 1920's). Children born out of wedlock are a shameful blessing. Gender roles at home were very pronounced, my dad was born in the early '30's so things were very defined at home. Even though my parents were 16 years apart in age and mom worked (dad pulled a disability check), she did the housework along with my sister and I. Any adult was an authority figure and had to be listened to...very rarely did I see a child defended by a parent. Children are to be seen and not heard, they are inferior. My mother taught us early that negative emotion was never to be shown...it is a sign of weakness. The bits and pieces came from each parent, one born in the 30's....the other born in the late 40's...two completely different generations and ways of life.

Until I moved away and began traveling...I believed the majority of people (at least) my age were "spanked" with blunt objects, religiously shamed, and ensconced with gender roles. Well, at least in this part of the country. Having lived in various cities for the last 20 years, my mindset is totally different. I know I could never go back there and fit in.

Is it small town? Is the Bible belt influence? Is it just old fashioned ways of thinking?

[Mama Mia]

I'm sorry you went through all of that.

I don't think it can be explained by just old fashioned ways of thinking, although that probably contributes.

I grew up in a different part of the country ( San Francisco Bay Area - so very different ) and my experience with most of those aspects of child rearing/ rigid gender roles/ role of religion is a little different.

My parents were both born during WWII. They both had one parent who had grown up very poor, and one parent who had grown up wealthy. They were both raised lower middle class/ working class , in not very religious homes ( one grandmother was a religious seeker - jumped from Catholic to Christian Scientist to a very liberal church with a dozen other stops. Married to vehmenantly anti- religious ex- Catholic . Other side - nominally Lutheran, maybe?) . So the whole sin this, sin that wasnt a big part of their upbringing. And they didnt pass it along to us. We went to Sunday School with my grandma at an extremely liberal church that was non- literal and focused on "God is Love" . Frankly I think the only reason we wetre sent was so my folks could have Sunday morning off :) .

My parents were lefty political activists. A lot of my friends got hit by their parents, but our parents weren't hitters. I don't recall a lot of sex shaming. I think my dad thought he was far more pro-gender equality than he actually was. He was a pretty macho guy, who really didnt do much around the house when I was growing up - in fact I had to tell him how to use the washing machine whjen I was 10! In later years, with different partners/wives - who were born in the 50's - he seemed to be slightly less of a dick about housework- I think because they wouldnt tolerate it. He still though was always pretty patriarchial / domineering.

I don't think they had a " children should be seen but not heard attitude" . They were pretty hippyish though, so I think that's a lot of it. In school the teachers attitudes towards kids seemed to swing wildly between highly authoratian and super group project / meditation / unstructured / free choice.....it was interesting every fall to see what you would get :lol:

I grew up in the sixties / seventies.

[Imrlgoddess]

Thanks for the reply, it helps me sort out the definitions and structures to society. I never considered my family "fundamentalist" but having something to compare us to, I see that perhaps we were. It wasn't until I was in my late 20's & moved out of state that I realized not everyone was raised in a similar fashion to myself.

:) :)

[Mama Mia]

Thanks for the reply, it helps me sort out the definitions and structures to society. I never considered my family "fundamentalist" but having something to compare us to, I see that perhaps we were. It wasn't until I was in my late 20's & moved out of state that I realized not everyone was raised in a similar fashion to myself.

:) :)

I think a lot of it is probably regional. I've never lived in another County, let alone another part of the Country -- and I've learned a lot here about how different it seems to be in the Bible Belt.

[halcionne]

I started to reply to this thread a couple of days ago, but it got too personal and I changed my mind. I will say my experience looks a lot like yours, even down to my parents' ages. I was raised in California, but my parents have midwest and Ozark roots. I can't decide if their attitudes were formed from a religious perspective or just "that's the way things have always been done." I think in my family, they're one and the same.

[Imrlgoddess]

Halcionne, That was my reaction at first.

I mentioned this to an old college friend a few days ago...he told me he immediately thought of us as fundie when he heard my stories back in the day. It's kind of a lot to swallow...but I'm grateful for the eye opener.