HA Post: I Was An Abusive Homeschooling Mother

[GinaM]

I know Homeschoolers Anonymous has been mentioned in posts in the past,but i just read this today and saw how the Pearls plus a marriage with power imbalance plus isolation plus homeschooling created a perfect storm of abuse-- even if the crazy husband was not "fundie" in the religious sense of the word.

It just made me really sad for those kids.

homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/06/03/i-was-an-abusive-homeschooling-mother-brook-leyzoreks-story/

[Ariel]

I'm really curious as to what her tipping point was.

[fun2beme]

That was extremely troubling to read, and heart-breaking to imagine how many unknown wives/children there are like that out there. I'm curious about her tipping point as well, along with how she actually managed to get out. It seems she didn't have any real financial and emotional support to rely on.

[FeministShrew]

Am I imagining it, or wasn't there a FJ poster with a similar story? She was married to an older man & chose to be submissive, but that's all I remember. That story just seems very familiar to me.

[Black Aliss]

That was extremely troubling to read, and heart-breaking to imagine how many unknown wives/children there are like that out there. I'm curious about her tipping point as well, along with how she actually managed to get out. It seems she didn't have any real financial and emotional support to rely on.

There's a reason the Maxwell's can sell so many copies of "Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit"

[ILoveJellybeans]

That is sad :( Its also a very brave thing to admit, that you used to abuse your kids but then saw that it was wrong and stopped.

[Sweetpea1]

So, so sad for those children.

[Lainey]

Am I imagining it, or wasn't there a FJ poster with a similar story? She was married to an older man & chose to be submissive, but that's all I remember. That story just seems very familiar to me.

I don't remember a poster like this... ??? Now you've got me curious.

[ladyamylynn]

That turned my stomach. So much like the situation I grew up in, albeit way more extreme.

[formergothardite]

Am I imagining it, or wasn't there a FJ poster with a similar story? She was married to an older man & chose to be submissive, but that's all I remember. That story just seems very familiar to me.

It sounded really familiar to me too.

[NotALoserLikeYou]

It was familiar to me too but I just assumed it was because I read it months ago because it was published in June.

[Letgo]

There's a reason the Maxwell's can sell so many copies of "Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit"

Is it just me? Or does that title bother others? It puts images in my head of a long skirted mother with her head bowed, surrounded by terrified children, and a husband towering over her, shaking his finger at her and yelling. Or else children like lemmings, following blindly whatever Pearl-inspired command they have been given in homeschool that day.

[MissBeaufort]

Is it just me? Or does that title bother others? It puts images in my head of a long skirted mother with her head bowed, surrounded by terrified children, and a husband towering over her, shaking his finger at her and yelling. Or else children like lemmings, following blindly whatever Pearl-inspired command they have been given in homeschool that day.

Sounds to me like a fairly accurate description of what they're advocating.

[lizziesmom]

I have become very skeptical of these stories since the Razing Ruth scam. Fact or fiction? You decide.

[freethemall]

Wow, I'm glad she ended up getting her kids out of it and realizing what she did wrong, I hope her older daughter can forgive her and see that her mother was brainwashed. Really sad.

I love that blog, anytime I start reading it I end up on it for hours. Just looked at some of the "Story of a Sister-Mom" threads, they're really heartbreaking.

[bananacat]

It's important that this mother is taking responsibility for abusing her kids, and also that she recognizes that her ex-husband also abused the kids. But he also abused her even if he never hit her. He's a classic emotional abuser, and I think he never hit her because she's not as weak as a child, but when a child came along he decided that was the time to display his power trip physically. I'm glad that she got out and the children did as well.

[lemonhead]

I remember reading this story when it was originally posted at HA. It was very triggering for me, and I felt very conflicted about it. I'm glad she finally got out of that lifestyle, but as someone who suffers chronic, probably lifelong, issues from growing up in a household with similar dynamics, it's extremely difficult for me to feel compassion or empathy for her.

I guess maybe if my mother had ever expressed any sort of regret or shame, I would be able to approach this story differently. Maybe I'm a little jealous that this woman's children have a mother who was finally wiling to break free and renounce the abuse. But I realize that's my shit and I have to own it.

[FeministShrew]

Ah, that's why it's familiar to me! I have read it before.

But still, wasn't there a poster here who said she married a much older man & chooses to be submissive because she has trouble making decisions, and because she never had a strong father? I don't think she had kids (or she didn't mention them), but she was very defensive about being a submissive stay-at-home wife.

[formergothardite]

Ah, that's why it's familiar to me! I have read it before.

But still, wasn't there a poster here who said she married a much older man & chooses to be submissive because she has trouble making decisions, and because she never had a strong father? I don't think she had kids (or she didn't mention them), but she was very defensive about being a submissive stay-at-home wife.

Pretty sure there was, but I don't remember any other details.

[Lainey]

I feel conflicted about this story. I feel bad for her, and I'm glad she got herself and her children out of there. You can feel her regret as you read her words. But I've been learning more and more recently about the health consequences of childhood abuse, once the abused child becomes an adult. It contributes to a whole host of nasty health problems, like hypertension, obesity, chronic pain, IBS, depression...even things like allergies and asthma. So it's really not enough to say she's sorry now--she's set her children up for these health problems by having participated in the abuse.

On the other hand, what good does it do now that she realizes what she's done to bash her for it? She clearly feels terrible already.

[maybeizfundie]

I don't know about this specific story, but I do find it totally believeable. It is absolutely a very clear teaching of the Pearls that mom MUST back dad up. There is even one story where they suggest that mom should be *harsher* on the children if they run to her because they felt dad's punishment was harsh. From reading those books, and from personal experience, I can understand how she fell into that, and I agree with those who say she also was being abused by her husband. There may be an element of her feelign at the time that if she was hard enough on the children, she could save them from even worse punishment from their father. Which is twisted, and a really bad response to abuse, but people who are being abused aren't always able to see things rationally, especially if they are isolated from sane people and surrounded by messages that they are bad/crazy/over-emotional/soft etc. :(

[bookiewookie]

I have become very skeptical of these stories since the Razing Ruth scam. Fact or fiction? You decide.

I think that's probably one of the worst things about the Razing Ruth scam - it causes doubt about other similar stories. An abused spouse or child should never have to fight to be believed, yet a**holes like "Ruth" guarantee that they still do.

Note: this isn't a dig at lizziesmom or anyone else except for "Ruth" - I'm just voicing my frustration at "Ruth's" toxic web of untruths.

[sewingmom2]

I feel conflicted about this story. I feel bad for her, and I'm glad she got herself and her children out of there. You can feel her regret as you read her words. But I've been learning more and more recently about the health consequences of childhood abuse, once the abused child becomes an adult. It contributes to a whole host of nasty health problems, like hypertension, obesity, chronic pain, IBS, depression...even things like allergies and asthma. So it's really not enough to say she's sorry now--she's set her children up for these health problems by having participated in the abuse.

On the other hand, what good does it do now that she realizes what she's done to bash her for it? She clearly feels terrible already.

I would also include eating disorders, heart palpitations, panic attacks, anxiety, sleep disorders, substance abuse, and codependency.

[AuntCloud]

I would also include eating disorders, heart palpitations, panic attacks, anxiety, sleep disorders, substance abuse, and codependency.

MIL grew in a (mostly) emotionally abusive house, although nothing got close to the horrors in those isolationist religious nutty families - she had a seemingly normal 40's and 50's childhood, at least to outsiders. She is emotionally stunted and deeply unhappy, has never come close to fulfilling her considerable talents and potential, stuck in a loveless marriage and her children are essentially disconnected from her and each other. Nothing serious on the outside - they look like a normal, functioning family, DH and his siblings are all professionals and in serious long-term relationships, but scratch the surface and see the disconnect and hostility unfold. Her brother had life-long substance abuse problems, two failed relationships, no career other than odd jobs and has died a sad, lonely and way too early death. And that's just your garden-variety emotional abuse.

[polecat]

I would also include eating disorders, heart palpitations, panic attacks, anxiety, sleep disorders, substance abuse, and codependency.

And chronic migraines.

Not to mention whatever lingering pain and disability may be linked to previous injuries/damage.