Adopting a failed abortion, then writing about it

[Full enough quiver]

I couldn't say why other people don't file a report, only why I didn't. Two years before, it came out that my grandfather had molested almost every female in the family. My mother asked if I was one of his victims, and I broke down and admitted it. I then (at age 12) got to experience the trauma at a medical exam, complete with photos. Then I got to give my statement to a police officer, who asked questions like "why didn't you tell anyone?" "did you say no, did you fight?" and after all that, he got off scot free. After that, I acted out. I was promiscuous, I drank, snuck out, etc. That night, I had been drinking, I had lied to my mom and was at a party where I want supposed to be. I was wearing something "slutty". I felt that I had "asked for it". When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. I was afraid no one would believe me. I didn't want to go through everything again. It was easier to just say I didn't know who the father was, and take being called a slut, because that's what I believed I was. I bet a lot of women feel that way, like it isn't worth it, like I wasn't worth it. I'm sure a lot of people will judge me for not bringing my attacker to justice, making sure he never hurt anyone else. But before you judge, walk a mile in my shoes. I was a terrified 14 year old. I had been raised to believe that "abortion clinics" would force me to abort. I was raised in "purity culture". I wasn't "pure", so I was worthless. I'm not surprised that so few victims report. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if its a lot higher than we think.

[dairyfreelife]

Sorry for thinking crime should be reported to the police and rapists should be tried. Yes, the rates of conviction are disgustingly low, but I don't see how not reporting it will make that better. There needs to be a serious change in the law regarding rapists and convictions, there's no doubt about that. The better question is what can we do about it?

And Full Enough Quiver, internet hugs. No one should have to go through it and you didn't deserve it at all. It's sickening that he did not get convicted. :hug: I don't know what we can do about these problems with rape conviction and the lies about asking for it or not telling sooner or other bullshit. Rape is rape and it's a serious crime. Something needs done. I just wish I knew what to do.

[Jinger Jar]

*****TRIGGER WARNING*****RAPE DISCUSSED*****TRIGGER WARNING*****RAPED DISCUSSED*****

I did go the police after I was raped. The detective said that I was well within my rights to report the attack, but there just a slim chance my ex-boyfriend, the rapist, would get convicted of anything. Because, you know, we'd dated for a couple of months and everything. Meanwhile, the detective said, there every chance the ex-boyfriend would stalk or otherwise harrass me for pressing charges, and there wasn't much the police could do unless he physically harmed me or damaged my property and they could prove it.

When I spoke with another detective a month later because the ex-boyfriend was calling me at all hours and following me to and from my classes, detective #2 said that the ex-boyfriend probably didn't want to physically hurt me, he was just making sure I knew he could get to me if I pressed charges against him for the rape. Dectective #2 assured me that, based on his experience, this kind of harrassment usually died down after a few months. He advised me to change my numbers and move, maybe take a self-defense class if I felt up to it, and if he was still stalking me to give the cops another call.

The counselor at the crises center me that I was really lucky I didn't sustain physical injuries from the rape, that women she usually saw needed stitches, dental work, or casts after their attacks. So I needed to count my blessings, right? And she reiterated what the police had told me about expecting retaliation if I pressed charges. She'd seen it happen, and the accused could get really vengeful...

So I dunno... A woman much braver than I could have stood up to her rapist, the cops, and the mental health system and pressed charges anyway. Me? I needed at least a semblance of a support system before I could have done that. :shrug:

[Hane]

Back to the adoption thing: A distant relative of mine adopted a baby boy who was found abandoned in a garbage can in New York City several decades ago. (The elderly woman who discovered him there--saving his life--wished she could have adopted him herself but realized she was far too old.) I'm sure that he eventually learned the circumstances of his abandonment and adoption (because, heck, even I know about it and I've never met him), but wonder how the knowledge affected his life. I often think of him and hope he's OK emotionally.

[Hane]

To all of you who have suffered such horrendous attacks: Love and peace. I can fully understand how it could be hell on earth to have to report a rape.

One day as I was walking to work in downtown New Haven, I noticed one of the many young women on her way to her office. She was in her 20s, beautiful, and had a nice figure--looked like a typical magazine model. She was wearing a nicely cut business suit with a knee-length skirt and high heels; it fit her well, but was by no means skin tight or suggestive.

And the first thing I thought was, "I hope that nobody sexually harasses that poor girl." Not "Oh, she must be a lawyer on her way to court" or "Does she work in my company's finance department?" It was scary how much I had internalized our society's fucked-up attitudes about women's appearance.

(Possible) Stupidity Warning: Should I ever be the victim of rape, you know what would scare me the most? Somebody thinking, "Oh, she must be making it up--who would want to rape HER?" Because, you know, the only thing worse for a woman than men wanting to rape her is men NOT wanting to rape her. [/anger]

[OkToBeTakei]

So many healing thoughts to those who need.

It is shocking how difficult it is to get a rape conviction. I think it transcends geography.

This year we had a series of adverts on TV aimed at teenagers. They were generally shown after watershed and frequently. They are triggering, but I think they are good thing.

RzDr18UYO18

[Jinger Jar]

Just curious about this part - ARE there any risks to the developing infant to having a very young mother ? I know there are some increased risks for delivery for the mom - and maybe with miscarriage or still birth (probably due to bad prenatal care and/or risky behaviors or malnutrition ) .. but is there an increased risk of birth defects ? I can't think of why there would be...... just curious if anyone knows.

Taken from the [link=http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001516.htm]The National Institutes of Health[/link]:

"Adolescent pregnancy is associated with higher rates of illness and death for both the mother and infant. Death from violence is the second leading cause of death during pregnancy for teens, and is higher in teens than in any other group.

Pregnant teens are at much higher risk of having serious medical complications such as:

Placenta previa

Pregnancy-induced hypertension

Premature delivery

Significant anemia

Toxemia

Infants born to teens are 2 - 6 times more likely to have low birth weight than those born to mothers age 20 or older. Prematurity plays the greatest role in low birth weight, but intrauterine growth retardation (inadequate growth of the fetus during pregnancy) is also a factor.

Teen mothers are more likely to have unhealthy habits that place the infant at greater risk for inadequate growth, infection, or chemical dependence. The younger a mother is below age 20, the greater the risk of her infant dying during the first year of life.

It is very important for pregnant teens to have early and adequate prenatal care."

[longskirtlotsakids]

An excellent book is " Cry Rape" by Bill Lueders- about the Madison police forcing a blind rape vuctim- who was also sodomized- to recant her story and then going on to press charges against the VICTIM.

[Minerva]

Sorry for thinking crime should be reported to the police and rapists should be tried. Yes, the rates of conviction are disgustingly low, but I don't see how not reporting it will make that better. There needs to be a serious change in the law regarding rapists and convictions, there's no doubt about that. The better question is what can we do about it?

Shaming survivors into going to the police by blaming their rapist's future actions on them is not the solution, though. Making it easier and less stressful for survivors to report their rapes? Yes. Heaping even more blame on the victim? No.

[1004srs]

I went to the hospital with a friend who reported a rape in the military. Any person should not have to go through what she went through. It was awful. She had been drinking, so they treated her like it was her fault.

They took pictures, samples of her body hair, blood samples, gyn-type exam, etc. Gave her Plan B-type drug and antibiotics. Then, after several hours sent her back to the barracks. The same barracks that her attacker lived in.

The attacker followed her around for a while. Stalking.

Nothing happened to the attacker. She had been drinking, afterall. She never felt safe and felt that the military let her down. After a 3 day session in a locked behavioral health ward (only place she felt safe), she asked to be discharged. They did.

What a bunch of crap...... What good was reporting it? None, nada, nothing.

[J'ean Skirt]

So, if malpractice never happens at abortion clinics, then how do you explain the death at Gosnell's clinic and the Germantown, MD clinic? Abortion clinics in PA weren't inspected for YEARS --- that was proven at Gosnell's trial. Let's face it, there is dishonesty on both sides.

Gosnell was an unlicensed butcher that preyed on women who were prevented from getting legal abortions by the myriad of road blocks thrown up by the anti-abortion folks. He is the REASON we need open access to abortion in licensed clinics.

The State of PA refuses to accept complaints from 3rd parties about abortion clinics. This is probably due to the myriad false and harassing reports filed by the anti-abortion crowd. Once again, the anti-abortion people created the situation that resulted in his ability to prey on the poor and underserviced.

I didn't say malpractice never happened at abortion clinics. I pointed out that if the article was true, then there was malpractice. And that should have been reported. Likewise, the malpractice at the Gosnell clinic should have been reported and investigated.

As for the Germantown clinic, the death of a patient was a horrible tragedy. But there is no evidence of malpractice or substandard care. There are unfavorable outcomes when we're talking about health problems. I took a perfectly healthy animal in for a spay and she died under anesthesia. The vet didn't screw up, there is a real risk.

It's not like prohibitions against abortion actually prevent deaths. Look at the case in Ireland where the prohibition on abortion led directly to the death of Savita Halappanavar.

Pregnancy is dangerous for some women some of the time. Allowing women, and their doctors, to handle the care and feeding of their pregnancy is the right answer. Preventing certain parts of health care kills women, and babies, as the Gosnell case demonstrates so horribly.

[J'ean Skirt]

I'm confused. Why would someone who was raped not file a police report? If you don't file a report, they can't do anything about it and the person or persons who did the crime will continue to walk free to possibly do the same thing to someone else. It surprises me who was raped wouldn't want the person caught. If it were my child, I would sure as hell be at the police station demanding action against whoever had violated my 13yo that way. But to each their own. :shrug:

There are a lot of reasons not to file a police report.

"Are you sure you said no?"

"Are you sure you didn't lead him on?"

"Did you invite him into your house?"

"Were you drinking?"

"Did you fight him?"

"Why did you let him touch you?"

"It's your word against his, and we have no evidence you were raped."

Yeah, billions of reasons to not report.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

This is a really good blog post about why women might not report: http://www.liberateyourself.co.uk/survi ... t-my-rape/ (Link not broken because I doubt they would mind us reading.)

Here are the reasons she posted:

1. Because at 17 I didn’t know it was rape.

2. Because I was taught that sex is never much fun for women.

3. Because I was taught that sex is dirty and not something nice girls talk about.

4. Because I was in a relationship with my rapist.

5. Because we did have consensual sex, see below.

6. Because my rapist used coercive methods to make me have sex with him.

7. Because my rapist used coercive methods to make me turn up at his house naked under my coat.

8. Because my rapist used coercive methods to make me wear ‘sexy’ clothes.

9. Because the above would be used against me in public and in court.

10. Because it was a generally abusive relationship.

11. Because I went to my rapist’s house willingly, even after the rape and multiple other sexual assaults.

12. Because his house was safer than home.

13. Because he knows where my mother lives.

14. Because he knows my friends and other people that know me.

15. Because he is well respected in my mother’s church and the local community.

16. Because he is a ‘good’ man and so unable (in the eyes of society) to have committed rape and assault.

17. Because I will lose my right to anonymity and confidentially by the right of the accused to know who their accuser is.

18. Because I will be slut shammed very, very publically.

19. Because I will be victim blamed very, very publically.

20. Because my family will be harassed.

21. Because my family will slut shame and victim blame me.

22. Because the above will be done by ‘good’ people, whose righteousness is founded on their ‘goodness’ making them above criticism.

23. Because it might become potentially dangerous for me to go out in my home town. Anywhere and at anytime.

24. Because other people were complicit in the maintenance of the relationship, even when they expressed concern about his treatment of me.

25. Because I have since had sex with other people and this will be used against me.

26. Because I have a medical condition that makes sex painful and this might be used against me to justify rape as consensual sex that hurt because of my nerve damaged vulva.

27. Because I am a little bit kinky.

28. Because I didn’t fight back so it can’t be rape.

29. Because I wore skirts to his house.

30. Because he ignored me when I said no, but I didn’t scream or cry.

31. Because consent must be actively withdrawn, silence and non-responsiveness is not always understood as a withdrawal of consent by the courts.

32. Because I am already victim blamed by faux feminists who say that a woman has the right to fight back and imply that if you don’t it is your fault.

33. Because I am already victim blamed by ‘left’ activists who see it as an activist’s responsibility to always call out their attackers and if you don’t you are a bad leftie.

34. Because my rape is historic so there is no physical evidence.

35. Because I would have to prove that I withdrew consent making it my word against his.

36. Because the conviction rate is so low.

37. Because it is not my responsibility to protect future victims.

[Mama Mia]

Taken from the [link=http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001516.htm]The National Institutes of Health[/link]:

"Adolescent pregnancy is associated with higher rates of illness and death for both the mother and infant. Death from violence is the second leading cause of death during pregnancy for teens, and is higher in teens than in any other group.

Pregnant teens are at much higher risk of having serious medical complications such as:

Placenta previa

Pregnancy-induced hypertension

Premature delivery

Significant anemia

Toxemia

Infants born to teens are 2 - 6 times more likely to have low birth weight than those born to mothers age 20 or older. Prematurity plays the greatest role in low birth weight, but intrauterine growth retardation (inadequate growth of the fetus during pregnancy) is also a factor.

Teen mothers are more likely to have unhealthy habits that place the infant at greater risk for inadequate growth, infection, or chemical dependence. The younger a mother is below age 20, the greater the risk of her infant dying during the first year of life.

It is very important for pregnant teens to have early and adequate prenatal care."

Yeah, those are all things I thought could be an issue - but someone said the attempted abortion cause the baby to be "malformed" and JFC thought the malformation would be more likely due to the mothers age. I'm just wondering if actual birth defects are more likely due to a very young mother. I could see learning disabilities due to prematurity - but am wondering if what we typically think of birth defects would be more common - since those tend to be related more to aging eggs.

[JesusFightClub]

Mrs S2004, I think I was thinking about build (and if I'm totally off track, which I may well be, I apologise).

My mum is very little and even though she was an adult when she gave birth, the first two births (me and my brother) had complications. I can't imagine a 13 year old child would have it easier at any stage of the pregnancy, that she was eating right to support the child (who does at 13?) and I was guessing that this has caused some "special needs" (though it is hard to be sure because the special needs are not specified). I was thinking also if she was trying to hide it or ashamed of how it happened she might have made some unwise decisions about her lifestyle? When I was 13 we were big into two-litre bottles of cider* in the local park with boys. Nowt wrong with that, but if you are pregnant, possibly not a good idea.

I was so sad to hear what people were saying about rape and Hane, the reaction you were worried about actually happens. I know people who were assaulted, reported it and got the reaction "No offence, but you're not much of a looker." :pink-shock:

*Cider's alcohol in Scotland.

[DarkAnts]

I am happy that my rape induced pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was 13 and not emotionally read to deal with children. I did not understand what had happen to me at the time. I blocked the memory for many years. I think the doctors inadvertently caused the miscarriage. The did not run a pregnancy test before they did an x-ray test for ulcers. I was having bad abdominal cramps so they tested for ulcers first. They did not know about the rape incident. It was not something that was talked about. The pregnancy test was done a few days later. It was positive but the fetus was miscarried a few weeks later.

No child should have to go through what I went though.

[Full enough quiver]

I am happy that my rape induced pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was 13 and not emotionally read to deal with children. I did not understand what had happen to me at the time. I blocked the memory for many years. I think the doctors inadvertently caused the miscarriage. The did not run a pregnancy test before they did an x-ray test for ulcers. I was having bad abdominal cramps so they tested for ulcers first. They did not know about the rape incident. It was not something that was talked about. The pregnancy test was done a few days later. It was positive but the fetus was miscarried a few weeks later.

No child should have to go through what I went though.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know what it's like to be a scared, pregnant teen. Even though the miscarriage was a positive thing for you, I'm sure it was probably an added trauma while it was happening. I hope you had the support to get through it. It amazes me how supposedly "rare" pregnancy from rape is, but I count three on this board. I wonder if these politicians who spout off about rape ever had it happen to their daughter or sister, if they might change their minds. I chose to have and raise my child, and it was healing for me, and she is a blessing, but I would hate to see my choices forced on everyone.

[Widget]

It amazes me how supposedly "rare" pregnancy from rape is, but I count three on this board.

Four. :cry:

[2xx1xy1JD]

It is very traumatizing to go to trial and only a small percenatge of cases even win. Look at what happened to this young woman, she lost a stautory rape case because she didn't scream.

viewtopic.php?f=8&t=17955i

That's not what the actual article said.

It couldn't be prosecuted as statutory rape in the regular courts of that state, because the accused was too close in age to the woman.

The prosecution was in a military court, and the article does not say why the charge was not successful.

In the family case, which came afterward, the guardian ad litem for the child asked the woman the "why didn't you scream" question. Still inappropriate, but it was not related to the criminal case.

[2xx1xy1JD]

For those that didn't report, would any of the following have made a difference:

- rape shield law making it illegal to every publish a victim's name

- standard bail terms prohibiting the accused from having any contact with the victim

- more public service ads about sexual assault/abuse, clarifying that date rape is a crime, meaning of consent, etc.

- better trained and equipped police officers on special sexual assault victim teams, and attempts to use methods that are more humane

- laws prohibiting defense lawyers from asking questions about sexual history

I can't blame someone for not wanting to go through some of the more grueling parts of the criminal justice system. At the same time....I have to be grateful for those who have reported, and made the rest of us safer as a result. Someone close to me was molested years ago, and we later found out that the molester had victimized someone else in the family years earlier. The primary blame rests on the molester, and on his evil wife who bullied the first victim into silence. At the same time, while I understand the psychological violence that was taking place, part of me was enraged by the whole culture of silence. The fact that the first assault was hushed up and that the victim's mother knew this but never mentioned the incident meant that the girl I knew became a victim. The same culture of silence almost succeeded in hushing up that incident as well, and it was only mandatory child abuse reporting laws that prevented it. So, I don't blame the victims....but I do have huge issues with the culture of silence.

[patsymae]

For those that didn't report, would any of the following have made a difference:

- rape shield law making it illegal to every publish a victim's name

- standard bail terms prohibiting the accused from having any contact with the victim

- more public service ads about sexual assault/abuse, clarifying that date rape is a crime, meaning of consent, etc.

- better trained and equipped police officers on special sexual assault victim teams, and attempts to use methods that are more humane

- laws prohibiting defense lawyers from asking questions about sexual history

I can't blame someone for not wanting to go through some of the more grueling parts of the criminal justice system. At the same time....I have to be grateful for those who have reported, and made the rest of us safer as a result. Someone close to me was molested years ago, and we later found out that the molester had victimized someone else in the family years earlier. The primary blame rests on the molester, and on his evil wife who bullied the first victim into silence. At the same time, while I understand the psychological violence that was taking place, part of me was enraged by the whole culture of silence. The fact that the first assault was hushed up and that the victim's mother knew this but never mentioned the incident meant that the girl I knew became a victim. The same culture of silence almost succeeded in hushing up that incident as well, and it was only mandatory child abuse reporting laws that prevented it. So, I don't blame the victims....but I do have huge issues with the culture of silence.

I did report, and the only person who got hurt as a consequence was me and no one was a bit safer because of what I went through. IMO, there has to be an entire cultural shift--1) the biggie, from assuming that rape has anything to do with sexuality; 2) from assuming that women lie about being raped more often than people lie about being the victim of other crimes (for example, falsely reporting thefts to collect insurance money), 3) from blaming the victim, which also happens in other crimes and IMO comes from fear--if she got raped because she was drinking/wearing a short skirt/dating a guy she met on the Internet/walking alone...and I don't do any of those things, then I won't get raped, 4)... well, I'm sure there are more. And when it comes to men/boys being raped, there's a whole other pile of worms. The culture of silence exists because victims are not protected by the larger culture.

[desertvixen]

I did report, and the only person who got hurt as a consequence was me and no one was a bit safer because of what I went through. IMO, there has to be an entire cultural shift--1) the biggie, from assuming that rape has anything to do with sexuality; 2) from assuming that women lie about being raped more often than people lie about being the victim of other crimes (for example, falsely reporting thefts to collect insurance money), 3) from blaming the victim, which also happens in other crimes and IMO comes from fear--if she got raped because she was drinking/wearing a short skirt/dating a guy she met on the Internet/walking alone...and I don't do any of those things, then I won't get raped, 4)... well, I'm sure there are more. And when it comes to men/boys being raped, there's a whole other pile of worms. The culture of silence exists because victims are not protected by the larger culture.

I have not been a victim, but you are right, especially on #3.

[DarkAnts]

For those that didn't report, would any of the following have made a difference:

- rape shield law making it illegal to every publish a victim's name

- standard bail terms prohibiting the accused from having any contact with the victim

- more public service ads about sexual assault/abuse, clarifying that date rape is a crime, meaning of consent, etc.

- better trained and equipped police officers on special sexual assault victim teams, and attempts to use methods that are more humane

- laws prohibiting defense lawyers from asking questions about sexual history

I can't blame someone for not wanting to go through some of the more grueling parts of the criminal justice system. At the same time....I have to be grateful for those who have reported, and made the rest of us safer as a result. Someone close to me was molested years ago, and we later found out that the molester had victimized someone else in the family years earlier. The primary blame rests on the molester, and on his evil wife who bullied the first victim into silence. At the same time, while I understand the psychological violence that was taking place, part of me was enraged by the whole culture of silence. The fact that the first assault was hushed up and that the victim's mother knew this but never mentioned the incident meant that the girl I knew became a victim. The same culture of silence almost succeeded in hushing up that incident as well, and it was only mandatory child abuse reporting laws that prevented it. So, I don't blame the victims....but I do have huge issues with the culture of silence.

Some people dont report because they have no actual memory of the event. Our brains do have a tendency to hide traumatic events for us. Sometimes, a person may remember the event or parts of the event, but, not the people involved. That makes it hard to find the people who harmed them.

[wild little fox]

I can barely get through a Gyno exam, by a woman or man doctor. It is extremely traumatic for me. I cannot imagine going through an exam after being raped. Also, when someone in authority questions my honesty it is a huge PTSD trigger for me. I couldn't do it. Either way I think I would have to spend time instutuonalized. I'm more likely to shoot and kill the bastard than to report it.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

Nothing in the legal system/society could have altered my decision not to report my sexual abuse. I chose not to report it for the sake of my family. I don't have siblings, and the family member who did it did not have access to other children, so I'm fairly certain that I was his last victim, if not the only one.

I didn't report my date rape because I believed it was my fault for getting drunk and going home with a guy I had just started dating. Looking back on it, I still don't know if I would be willing to go through the wringer to report this incident.