3 Kids, 3 Newly Adopted Kids and I WANT MORE!

[nelliebelle1197]

Why is this not seen as the mental health issue it so obviously must be?

From the I love my LARGE FAMILY rabbit hole on FB:

Just need to vent and share. I have 6 kids. 3 biological, and we adopted 3 more a couple of months ago. I want another baby. i know that I really can't share this desire with most of my friends as they think I'm crazy for having the 6. I'm 41, and I homeschool. Anyone in the same boat?

The responses are pretty supportive of her desire. Can't we just let the 3 newbies settle in before we start more breeding? Several responders have actually adopted multiple children at once. It this a race or a competition?

[dawbs]

'honeymoon phase' comes to mind.

[JenXer]

There is nothing inherently pathological about enjoying raising children and having a big family. There is also nothing inherently "wrong" with adopting more than one child at a time. Many sibling groups languish in foster care or are separated into different families.

But I agree that it's prudent to do some spacing and pacing, especially when several are adopted and old enough to be aware of the enormous changes in their lives.

So I'm hoping... hoping... that this lady means that she'd like another baby some day and is looking for solidarity among other moms of big families. I'm not optimistic, but I'm hoping.

[Mela99]

Oof... slow down, woman.

[crazyforkate]

Agreed. Nothing wrong with another kid if you can support it and give it the attention it deserves, but timing is an issue.

[longskirtlotsakids]

My take? THat she got a wild hair up her ass to do this and be competitive amongst fundie royalty... because it seems to me that the more extreme and tenuous the breeding is, the more appealing and "ideal" it becomes.

Hence, the path is to often just collect rapidfire so that they don;t really "settle in" and realize how hard it is to raise the 6 or 7 or 8 kids they have. No, better to get a shitload of kids all at once so you can't go back.

Only- they do go back, as evidenced by the "second chance adoption" shtick.

I'm hald tempted to call that place up and tell them I have six biological children under five, it was a bad idea, and I need to give them a second chance home. I wonder if they would take me seriously.

[chaotic life]

There IS something wrong with adopting multiple children at one time who are not siblings though. Statistically, it's associated with a high risk of disruptions in the adoptions, largely because it's EXTREMELY hard to integrate multiple non-related children at one time. Siblings have a pre-established bond between themselves. It's also hard to bond to a new adoptee if you land pregnant quickly. Your hormones go haywire and you are biologically geared to protect the one your body is nurturing. Makes it VERY hard to stay connected to one you aren't already fully bonded in inside your house, especially if they have any typically adjustment issues.

[JenXer]

I don't think it was clear from her post whether the three children she adopted a few months ago are siblings or not.

Would an agency even place three unrelated children into one household at the same time? I'm not saying they wouldn't, just that I've never heard of such a policy.

[nelliebelle1197]

There is nothing inherently pathological about enjoying raising children and having a big family. There is also nothing inherently "wrong" with adopting more than one child at a time. Many sibling groups languish in foster care or are separated into different families.

But I agree that it's prudent to do some spacing and pacing, especially when several are adopted and old enough to be aware of the enormous changes in their lives.

So I'm hoping... hoping... that this lady means that she'd like another baby some day and is looking for solidarity among other moms of big families. I'm not optimistic, but I'm hoping.

Dig up the Facebook page from which I pulled this. It really does seem like these women are competing with each other to pile up the most kids. This is same page where many of the women are talking about stretching food dollars because they cannot afford to feed their broods.

And yeah, I agree with your last bit and am afraid it is a no too :(

[nelliebelle1197]

Agreed. Nothing wrong with another kid if you can support it and give it the attention it deserves, but timing is an issue.

I think the timing thing is what I found so shocking, coupled with the 50 or so comments that told her to go for it.

[longskirtlotsakids]

See,this is what happens what female adrenaline junkies get oppressed and can't express their energy in skydiving, mountain biking, or other daredevil pursuits. Stifled and restless, they turn to extreme breeding.

[darkplumaged]

See,this is what happens what female adrenaline junkies get oppressed and can't express their energy in skydiving, mountain biking, or other daredevil pursuits. Stifled and restless, they turn to extreme breeding.

Interesting! I wouldn't have thought of it this way, but this makes sense to me.

My feeling about this is that she is longing for the relative simplicity of having one newborn to care for. Newborns may be demanding but usually wouldn't cause the kind of family tumult that adopting three older kids would. Having another baby would be a way for her to disconnect from all that. The baby would have to be her top priority because babies need so much care. She wouldn't be able to completely focus on whatever challenges have arisen from adopting the three kids.

[JenXer]

Dig up the Facebook page from which I pulled this.

Oh, I've been a member of that Facebook group for some time and the crazy... it burns.

In the thread about having too many kids to feed I mentioned some of the most maddening posts but it got buried in recipe responses.

You are absolutely right... there are nutters there who make some extremely baffling decisions. There is one today that is heartbreaking. They had/adopted more kids than they can handle and now mom is losing her sanity.

I have a big family but I'm a big believer in spacing and pacing. And prudence. And not taking on too much if you have no support system or money. I'm also a fan of modern medicine.

[nelliebelle1197]

So you are the naughty one who sent me down the rabbit hole! :nenner:

Oh, I've been a member of that Facebook group for some time and the crazy... it burns.

In the thread about having too many kids to feed I mentioned some of the most maddening posts but it got buried in recipe responses.

You are absolutely right... there are nutters there who make some extremely baffling decisions. There is one today that is heartbreaking. They had/adopted more kids than they can handle and now mom is losing her sanity.

I have a big family but I'm a big believer in spacing and pacing. And prudence. And not taking on too much if you have no support system or money. I'm also a fan of modern medicine.

[chaotic life]

No adoption agency I ever worked with would allow three unrelated children being adopted at the same time. However, plenty of less ethical agencies, lots of so-called Christian agencies, and that's before you realize that Ukraine STILL uses facilitators and not agencies. It's possible to find a way to adopt many unrelated children at once. It's a disgusting habit, imo. There's NO WAY to properly prepare and integrate that many children who don't have a common bond to each other at the very least. Further, if they aren't related then there is no reason to force an environment that lends itself to problems.

I too have a large family and am an advocate for large families and for adoptions. It FELT crazy growing our family and we added nine kids in 13 years. I cannot imagine the pace some of these people add children and how unhealthy that is for ALL of the children involved.

[djibouti]

I can't imagine how chaotic that would be! I had my 4th in May and find it hard enough to keep up with him, my 2 year old and two 6 year olds. I can't imagine adding it three children at once, especially via adoption which comes with it's own challenges, and then having a 4th bio kid! :shock:

[bananacat]

This is what happens when our society views adoption as something for the parents and not for the children. Nobody is entitle to a child, and frankly it doesn't matter what the parents want; it matters what is best for the kids.

[lizziesmom]

This is what happens when our society views adoption as something for the parents and not for the children. Nobody is entitle to a child, and frankly it doesn't matter what the parents want; it matters what is best for the kids.

Unfortunately most of our society still views children as property of their parents. What's best for the kids is usually not even considered in the majority of situations -- whatever mama and daddy say goes.

[SoybeanQueen]

I went from one kid to 5 within a year. We were matched with a sibling group of 3, and a week after they moved in I found out I was pregnant. I knew from the moment I met my kids that they were mine and I wouldn't let them go once they came to our house. Several people made comments to me after I announced my pregnancy that made me think they expected us to send the kids back into foster care and not finalize our adoption. It was never even an option for us.

In some ways, I think the new baby helped the kids establish a bond in our family. They were getting a baby brother! Baby brother has never known life without four older siblings, and he adores every one of them.

However, I would not have *chosen* to have a newborn while helping three kids establish roots in our family. Nor would I recommend that path to others. It was an exhausting year for everyone. I agree with the previous poster who said it's not crazy to want a big family, but one's approach to building the family can definitely be crazy. As someone who managed by the grace of God and a whole herd of therapists/doctors/social workers to get through it, I have to say you'd need to be pretty crazy to purposefully add a newborn within a few months of adopting older kids.

[nelliebelle1197]

I went from one kid to 5 within a year. We were matched with a sibling group of 3, and a week after they moved in I found out I was pregnant. I knew from the moment I met my kids that they were mine and I wouldn't let them go once they came to our house. Several people made comments to me after I announced my pregnancy that made me think they expected us to send the kids back into foster care and not finalize our adoption. It was never even an option for us.

In some ways, I think the new baby helped the kids establish a bond in our family. They were getting a baby brother! Baby brother has never known life without four older siblings, and he adores every one of them.

However, I would not have *chosen* to have a newborn while helping three kids establish roots in our family. Nor would I recommend that path to others. It was an exhausting year for everyone. I agree with the previous poster who said it's not crazy to want a big family, but one's approach to building the family can definitely be crazy. As someone who managed by the grace of God and a whole herd of therapists/doctors/social workers to get through it, I have to say you'd need to be pretty crazy to purposefully add a newborn within a few months of adopting older kids.

I really cannot believe people expected you to send kids back to foster care, especially after you were lucky enough to keep them together. I am shocked, though why behavior shocks me anymore, I can't tell you. But it sounds like you handled it well. I think you hit the nail on the head- it is the intention vs the accident!

Another poster above noted that s/he feels kids are seen too much as the property of the parent as opposed to independent beings (my paraphrase), and that is the other thing bothering me on that Facebook post and the blogs of many of these people. The adoptions and multiple births are about them- especially the mother- not about all the children. You can contrast posts on here by moms with lots of kids - adopted and otherwise- and the language and intentions seem so very different. Make sense?

[SoybeanQueen]

Another poster above noted that s/he feels kids are seen too much as the property of the parent as opposed to independent beings (my paraphrase), and that is the other thing bothering me on that Facebook post and the blogs of many of these people. The adoptions and multiple births are about them- especially the mother- not about all the children.

Yup. That's one reason I don't tend to hang out much in the "adoptive mom" circles. I know a few who have made adoption and talking about adoption and pointing out that their kids are adopted their entire focus of a social life. It makes me uncomfortable because they're all about bringing it up but heaven help another person if they cluelessly ask anything about how that family came to be. It's definitely all about the moms.

Plus, I don't have any of the t-shirts with Bible verses about orphans, so I wouldn't fit in. :lol: