Blog post on harms of courtship, from a male perspective?

[Purple]

Hi all,

I mostly just lurk here, but I'm looking for a specific blog post, and I haven't been able to find it by the search or by going back 50+ pages. I'm not even sure I found it through here, but someone probably knows it.

The ex-fundie female blogger wrote a post about how sexual attraction is important in healthy relationships (including marriage), and how courtship fosters unhappy marriages by encouraging people to marry partners they aren't attracted to. A male commenter wrote a very moving reply about how he bought into the whole 'attraction and love should come after marriage' bit, and is now trapped in a marriage to woman he can never truly love. He talked about his own unhappiness, but accepted responsibility for his poor decisions, and said that the real victim is his wife, who's done nothing wrong and deserves to have a husband who loves her.

The original blogger made that comment into another post, and that's the one I'm looking for. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of the blog, or where I found the link. Can someone here point me towards it?

Thanks! :)

[ILoveJellybeans]

I think I have read that one before-maybe on No Longer Quivering or Love Joy Feminism? Theyre the ones I read regularly anyway, so it probably is

[debrand]

patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2012/03/why-courtship-fails-a-males-perspective/

Is the above link what you are looking for?

[Arete]

This is a blog by a man who dated a woman who was in the Quiverfull movement. The relationship was destroyed by the woman's father before they got married and now this blogger has created a site to speak out against courtship and the entire ideology around it.

thecommandmentsofmen.blogspot.com/

[Bookworm]

Is this the post? brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2013/03/09/guest-post-a-mans-words-on-sexual-attraction-and-failed-courtship

[Purple]

It was that last one - thanks, everyone! The others also made for some extremely interesting reading. Thanks again!

*fades back into lurkdom*

[debrand]

Is this the post? brokendaughters.wordpress.com/2013/03/09/guest-post-a-mans-words-on-sexual-attraction-and-failed-courtship

That post is sad. When he was younger, the author followed his family's beliefs to the point that he married a woman that he feels no sexual attraction toward. That makes sense to me. If you are taught to flee sexual attraction, you end up hanging out with people who you have a brotherly or sisterly feeling toward. Those are men and women who you like and have fondness for-maybe even love but you don't think about them in any type of sexual manner. It makes sense that you end up married to such a person and then wonder why you have a passionless marriage.

[Mela99]

Wow...

Kinda gives it a new perspective. Heartbreaking for all.

Interesting that he says emails were sent and people talked to him because he wasn't having sex with his wife. Wouldn't it be HER fault for failing to arouse her husband?

[EmiGirl]

Wow...

Kinda gives it a new perspective. Heartbreaking for all.

Interesting that he says emails were sent and people talked to him because he wasn't having sex with his wife. Wouldn't it be HER fault for failing to arouse her husband?

Of course! Because we all CHOOSE who we are attracted to.

[debrand]

Wow...

Kinda gives it a new perspective. Heartbreaking for all.

Interesting that he says emails were sent and people talked to him because he wasn't having sex with his wife. Wouldn't it be HER fault for failing to arouse her husband?

Within two weeks I was being confronted by the father in law… something was wrong, since i was obviously not happy, not sleeping with his daughter…. emails were being sent back home to the pastors in the states… who also flew over eventually to meet me and my wife

All of these people involved in what wasn't there business anyway. The couple should have gone to trained professionals not have discuss their sex lives with their parents or pastors. Afterwards, if the young man couldn't be attracted to his bride they should have divorced. Mom and dad can just stay the heck out of it.

What the hell did her dad think he could do anyway? Before marriage, "You will NOT have sex with my daughter." After marriage, "You WILL have sex with my daughter."

[Just_Jane]

That was an incredibly sad read. He sounds like he is already in a hell.

The courtship model pushes away the notion of attraction. The ebil science says that attraction is there for a variety of reasons most of which have to do with bonding or finding a mate with greater difference in genes.

[roddma]

I wonder how many couples just stay together because of not wanting to rebel against authority. I cringe when I read about someone on 19K FB wanting courtship for their kids. It is very rare to see a courtship that works like the Duggars whre there seems to be an attraction, as far as we know anyway.

[Mela99]

Are they still married? I couldn't tell from the blog

[Just_Jane]

I couldn't tell if he was still married to his wife or not. I was thinking he might still be married to her just based on the writing. then again it was sort of hard to tell.

I was thinking on this more. Courtship seems to be a bit like marrying a blind date. My history of blind dates shows that my friends/family know nothing about what I find attractive.