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GeoBQn

Fake Jew Passover Central

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GeoBQn

I started this thread to serve as a place to report all of the weirdo shit that Fake Jew fundies have come up with for Passover this year. Unfortunately, some of our more prominent bloggers in this area have shut down their blogs or are blogging infrequently, but there is still stuff out there.

 

For example, this little tidbit from Messianic Keepers at Home:

 

Quote
My husband likes to use the store bought matzah because it has the piercings and the stripes on the matzah that can/do represent how Yeshua was striped and pierced for us.

Wow. I don't think even ultra-Orthodox Jews have come up with a deep mystical meaning for the tiny holes in store-bought matzah. And it can't/doesn't represent something just because you say so. The only thing the "piercings" represent are the drying process.

 

After the holiday, there will probably be tons of comments of ways that they've (inappropriately) incorporated symbols of slavery and servitude into the seder, like eating while standing up and washing the headship's feet.

Edited by OnceUponATime
adding tags

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FaustianSlip

Well, the ultra-Orthodox Jews haven't come up with any secret store-bought matzah codes because everyone knows that the really machmir (stringent) crowd uses shmura (handmade) matzah.

I actually think that shmura matzah tastes better, myself, but it's super expensive, so I just opt for the regular stuff.

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lagenialester
Well, the ultra-Orthodox Jews haven't come up with any secret store-bought matzah codes because everyone knows that the really machmir (stringent) crowd uses shmura (handmade) matzah.

I actually think that shmura matzah tastes better, myself, but it's super expensive, so I just opt for the regular stuff.

Oh I can't stand shmura matzah! I got a couple of super burned packages from Chabad in college and I've never been quite the same. Haha

This thread is going to fuel me with rage as I clean my house for REAL Passover!

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2xx1xy1JD

Do they put up striped curtains during the faux seder too? "Oh look, it has stripes, there are holes on top - MUST BE JESUS"

As for shmurah matzah - if you are really craving burnt cardboard box but can't find any, it makes a nice substitute.

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Ralar

Oh I can't stand shmura matzah! I got a couple of super burned packages from Chabad in college and I've never been quite the same. Haha

This thread is going to fuel me with rage as I clean my house for REAL Passover!

My friends baked matzo last night at a local Modern Orthodox synagogue. My family will get to taste it since we will be joining them for the second seder.

post-481-14451997177153_thumb.jpg

They are also planning to serve "soft matza" which is a sephardic tradition, but also approved for ashkenazi. http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/839486

We are doing our own real seder on Monday and going to the friends (she is ashkenazi, he is sephardic -- so many traditions I'm not accustomed to) on Tuesday.

House cleaning is set for this weekend. Then I get to start baking and cooking.

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lagenialester

I hope the Fundies plan on going through with all of our blood libel rituals. Really the cornerstone of the Passover celebration. :roll:

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Buzzard

Everyone's favorite fake rabbi charlatan Torah wearing asshole, Ralph Messer is selling tickets to his "battle" themed passover for the low, low price of $329. Because nothing says "Passover" like apocalyptic battles.

torah.tv/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=208&Itemid=155

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darkplumaged
For example, this little tidbit from Messianic Keepers at Home:

Attention, fake Jews! Passover has nothing to do with Jesus. The exodus from Egypt took place more than 1000 years before Jesus' birth. That is all.

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dora

I'm looking forward to celebrating Passover next week with my real Jewish friends. I did take part in a Christian Passover once with fellow Catholics, but I have now learnt how offensive that is so I wouldn't do it again. It's much more authentic with real Jews.

I love Judaism but don't try to be Jewish, I prefer to love and respect my Jewish friends. I think my kids are lucky to be able to grow up knowing and respecting other faiths. Helps prevent crazy ideas like 'my way is the right way and you're all going to hell!'

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GeoBQn
Well, the ultra-Orthodox Jews haven't come up with any secret store-bought matzah codes because everyone knows that the really machmir (stringent) crowd uses shmura (handmade) matzah.

I actually think that shmura matzah tastes better, myself, but it's super expensive, so I just opt for the regular stuff.

My aunt started using shmurah matzah when she began leading the seders after my grandfather died. That would lead to the following conversation.

Aunt: Shmurah matzah is very special. It's watched over carefully during the harvesting and baking process. Women don't touch it during that time.

Me: Why?

Aunt: Because they are unclean.

Me: Why?

Aunt: Because they have periods.

Me: Why would that make a woman unfit to bake matzah?

Aunt: I don't know. Can we just get through this part of the seder?

After several years of repeating this conversation, my aunt stopped mentioning that detail about not being touched by women. Still, this memory caused me to prefer non-misogynistic store-bought matzah.

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lagenialester

My aunt started using shmurah matzah when she began leading the seders after my grandfather died. That would lead to the following conversation.

Aunt: Shmurah matzah is very special. It's watched over carefully during the harvesting and baking process. Women don't touch it during that time.

Me: Why?

Aunt: Because they are unclean.

Me: Why?

Aunt: Because they have periods.

Me: Why would that make a woman unfit to bake matzah?

Aunt: I don't know. Can we just get through this part of the seder?

After several years of repeating this conversation, my aunt stopped mentioning that detail about not being touched by women. Still, this memory caused me to prefer non-misogynistic store-bought matzah.

This totally sounds like something that would happen in my family. I can just see my Bubbe saying something like that every single year.

I thought the idea of it being shmurah referred more to the timing in which the wheat was harvested? Something about making sure it didn't dry out and start to turn into chametz when rained on or something....It's weird that they would consider menstruating women to not be kosher l'pesach, but still kosher in general. haha

Anyway, I never really got it because shmurah just means "supervised" and I'm pretty sure they have to supervise all KFP matzah baking.

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2xx1xy1JD

This totally sounds like something that would happen in my family. I can just see my Bubbe saying something like that every single year.

I thought the idea of it being shmurah referred more to the timing in which the wheat was harvested? Something about making sure it didn't dry out and start to turn into chametz when rained on or something....It's weird that they would consider menstruating women to not be kosher l'pesach, but still kosher in general. haha

Anyway, I never really got it because shmurah just means "supervised" and I'm pretty sure they have to supervise all KFP matzah baking.

GeoBBQ:

No disrespect to your aunt, but she was not just sexist but also flat-out wrong about the shmura matzah.

Women ARE involved in the process of making it.

I found a description of the Lubavitch shmura matzah factory in Brooklyn:

Each of the approximately two dozen women accepts a clump of dough and begins to work. Rabbi Epstein informs us that the women exchange the rolling pin, which resembles a skinny piece of broomstick, for a freshly sanded one after every rolled-out matzoh. This precludes the chance that dough from a previous batch might get mixed in with the new and cause it to be hametz.

from here: http://www.nyu.edu/classes/tourist/matzo.html

What makes it shmura (guarded) is the fact that it is supervised not just from the time that it is ground into flour, as regular matzah is, but from the time that it is ready for harvest. Lubavitch also makes the shmura matzah by hand, not by machine.

Shmura matzah still tastes like really expensive burnt cardboard - but at least it's not SEXIST burnt cardboard. lol.

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2xx1xy1JD

My friends baked matzo last night at a local Modern Orthodox synagogue. My family will get to taste it since we will be joining them for the second seder.

[attachment=0]480990_10151558983436125_1196354773_n.jpg[/attachment]

They are also planning to serve "soft matza" which is a sephardic tradition, but also approved for ashkenazi. http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/839486

We are doing our own real seder on Monday and going to the friends (she is ashkenazi, he is sephardic -- so many traditions I'm not accustomed to) on Tuesday.

House cleaning is set for this weekend. Then I get to start baking and cooking.

Are your Sephardic friends serving kitniot? I didn't care how sexist it sounded - the moment I got married, I declared that since my FIL is Iraqi, I would now be following their traditions instead of my family's European ones....because Iraqis get to eat rice, hummus, mustard, soy and all kinds of stuff on Passover.

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lagenialester

Yeah, we're Ashkenazi and this year I propositioned DH to become Sephardi. haha It's not so much the rice and hummus that I miss, it's just that EVERYTHING has corn syrup in it and we don't live in an area that has a huge KFP section of the grocery store or anything. We end up eating pretty healthy foods because we have to make everything from scratch, but it's so much WORK. (I just want some of those little jelly fruit slices....)

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GeoBQn

Thanks for clearing that up, 2xx1xy1JD. My aunt was odd in that way. She lead all the family home rituals because she cared about it and was the most knowledgable, yet she would get annoyed at things like being called up for a joint aliyah with my uncle at a bar mitzvah because she thought women shouldn't be called up for aliyot.

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Hestia

My family as well as being charismatic and fundie were also fake jews (I mean we do have someone ancestry but nothing that counts as far as legitimacy goes). These are things my family did, and I have no idea if they are weird or not because I'm not jewish and have never been to a jewish passover. I stopped caring when I left home.

1. not using the egg because eggs were pagan.

2. The matzah thing, yup, was used as a symbol of the body of christ

3. They replaced the meaning of one of the cups of wine (3rd I think) with the "this is my blood drink it in rememberance of me" and so bought in "Jesus as the passover lamb" that way. There was a whole list of things that Jesus did that made him the same as the passover lamb.

4. One year someone bought muffins for dessert.

5. Elijah was linked to one of the prophets in revelations so we read that bit out.

6. the plagues were linked to revelations plagues.

7. we used to say next year in heaven instead of next year in jerusalem.

8. we changed the lyrics in most of the traditional songs to makes them more "yeshua focused"

in retrospect number 7 is actually really creepy.

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AuntCloud
Well, the ultra-Orthodox Jews haven't come up with any secret store-bought matzah codes because everyone knows that the really machmir (stringent) crowd uses shmura (handmade) matzah.

I actually think that shmura matzah tastes better, myself, but it's super expensive, so I just opt for the regular stuff.

Regular matzah for moi, with Nutella, please.

Does matzah-related constipation have a deep religious meaning? How about kneidlach, these must mean something.

Are your Sephardic friends serving kitniot? I didn't care how sexist it sounded - the moment I got married, I declared that since my FIL is Iraqi, I would now be following their traditions instead of my family's European ones....because Iraqis get to eat rice, hummus, mustard, soy and all kinds of stuff on Passover.

My parents are very strictly Ashkenazi in their Pessach menu. They basically subsist on matzah, potatoes, eggs and various meats for 7 days. No kitniyot, no pickles, no peas at the table (kitniyot!). I had to convince them peanuts were ok. Which leads us to eggs: these are indispensable, haven't heard of a passover table with no eggs - it's part of the Seder, after all.

No cleaning here. I'm visiting my family for CloudLet's Bat-Mitzvah, and we had a nasty sand-storm and hamsin today. No matter how well you cleaned last week, you will have a pile of sand on your floors tomorrow. It's a Passover tradition.

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lagenialester

Regular matzah for moi, with Nutella, please.

Does matzah-related constipation have a deep religious meaning? How about kneidlach, these must mean something.

Obviously the matzah-induced constipation correlates to how much our body and mind suffer when our sins are kept inside of us. We can only feel relief once these sins are confessed and our heart/colon is released of the heavy burden.

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AuntCloud

Obviously the matzah-induced constipation correlates to how much our body and mind suffer when our sins are kept inside of us. We can only feel relief once these sins are confessed and our heart/colon is released of the heavy burden.

That makes so much sense! Your avatar coupled with your post-count title makes me chuckle.

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GeoBQn
My family as well as being charismatic and fundie were also fake jews (I mean we do have someone ancestry but nothing that counts as far as legitimacy goes). These are things my family did, and I have no idea if they are weird or not because I'm not jewish and have never been to a jewish passover. I stopped caring when I left home.

1. not using the egg because eggs were pagan.

2. The matzah thing, yup, was used as a symbol of the body of christ

3. They replaced the meaning of one of the cups of wine (3rd I think) with the "this is my blood drink it in rememberance of me" and so bought in "Jesus as the passover lamb" that way. There was a whole list of things that Jesus did that made him the same as the passover lamb.

4. One year someone bought muffins for dessert.

5. Elijah was linked to one of the prophets in revelations so we read that bit out.

6. the plagues were linked to revelations plagues.

7. we used to say next year in heaven instead of next year in jerusalem.

8. we changed the lyrics in most of the traditional songs to makes them more "yeshua focused"

in retrospect number 7 is actually really creepy.

1. Yeah, this is weird. The egg is one of the symbolic foods on the seder plate, representing the festival sacrifice at the Temple. Many families also have a tradition of eating slices of hardboiled egg in saltwater before the start of the meal.

2-3. Pretty obviously wrong.

4. There are kosher-for-Passover cake mixes that allow for baking muffins, but I doubt that someone attending a fake seder would go through the trouble.

5-6 Revelations is not a part of the Jewish Biblical canon.

7. Creepy, and Judaism has a complicated relationship with the afterlife. When we say "next year in Jerusalem," the hope is to be there alive (whether through making aliyah or the Messiah bringing all living and raised-from-the-dead Jews there.)

8. See #2-3.

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GeoBQn

A Messianic Seder in 30 minutes or less!

orhaolam.com/uploads/Haggadah30Minute.pdf

Hide the afikomen matzo long before guests arrive

The kids are supposed to hide the afikomen. Way to remove a huge source of fun. In some families, the youngest hide the afikomen, then "hold it for ransom." My husband and his brothers had a game where one person would "officially" hide it, then over the course of the evening they kept finding excuses to leave the table, find the afikomen, then hide it in a new place. This would go on over the course of the evening until by the time they had to get it, they really had no idea where it ended up.

The Matzah is pierced, and striped and it is broken, hidden, and returned later, just as Yeshua was pierced, and striped, broken, hidden and will return.

This must be where the mystical magical meaning of store-bought matzah came from.

Yes, they add a line in Dayenu about Jesus.

Wide hole in argument that they are doing this to be close to Jesus--they specify horseradish for the maror. Horseradish doesn't actually meet any requirements for maror, and its use is an Ashkenazi tradition. The original maror specified in the biblical account was thought to be bitter types of lettuce.

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FaustianSlip
Regular matzah for moi, with Nutella, please.

Does matzah-related constipation have a deep religious meaning? How about kneidlach, these must mean something.

The difficulty of the Exodus? Ahem.

And is kosher for Pesach Nutella a thing? Because if so, that is a revelation, and I must find some at once.

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GodHatesFigs

I tend to pretend to be Sephardi, and the lentils help the Passover ailments. Whole wheat matzo is completely ineffective, and I don't know why.

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gardenvarietycitizen

The difficulty of the Exodus? Ahem.

And is kosher for Pesach Nutella a thing? Because if so, that is a revelation, and I must find some at once.

I'm thinking perhaps it gives an entire new meaning to the prayer "Let my people go"? :lol:

(all in good fun!!!)

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