Terrible People on Mommy Boards

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

Yeah, I think this is it. In relationships where the attachment hasn't formed, the reaction to a misbehaving stepchild can be like your or my reaction to a stranger's kid playing up in a supermarket. Imagine if suddenly not only were we told that the child was OUR RESPONSIBILITY (even if we didn't know them or didn't like them) but we had to love them too and if we hadn't broken up their family that child would be as meek and biddable as Elsie Dinsmore so the misbehaviour was all our fault.

I totally agree that steps (or new partners, whatever) have a duty to behave kindly and do their duty to the kids, but because they have taken on a lot, a whinge in a quiet corner of the Net or a moan over a pint or seven is surely allowable. If the step sounds like they will do harm to the child physically or mentally, that is one thing, but complaining is another.

QFT. All of this. And in many cases, you both have to deal with misbehavior and are completely powerless to do anything about it. I happen to think my stepkid is quite spoiled due to being a child of privilege. He has everything he could possibly want, and it is increasingly showing in his personality as he gets older. I don't have the authority to limit his privileges, but I do have to deal with the consequences of his having all these privileges all the time. It's a tough spot.

[Patsy]

Yeah, I think this is it. In relationships where the attachment hasn't formed, the reaction to a misbehaving stepchild can be like your or my reaction to a stranger's kid playing up in a supermarket. Imagine if suddenly not only were we told that the child was OUR RESPONSIBILITY (even if we didn't know them or didn't like them) but we had to love them too and if we hadn't broken up their family that child would be as meek and biddable as Elsie Dinsmore so the misbehaviour was all our fault.

I totally agree that steps (or new partners, whatever) have a duty to behave kindly and do their duty to the kids, but because they have taken on a lot, a whinge in a quiet corner of the Net or a moan over a pint or seven is surely allowable. If the step sounds like they will do harm to the child physically or mentally, that is one thing, but complaining is another.

That's a choice people make when they take on a partner with kids. I agree, it must have a lot of challenges and being able to vent about it is important, but it is a choice you make and that choice is to take the kid on. If that's too big a task I think the adult involved has an obligation to take responsibility, cut their losses and move on to another partner, rather than fucking the kid's life up over the choice the stepparent, once again, actively took on, and that the kid (probably) had no say in.

[Patsy]

That's a choice people make when they take on a partner with kids. I agree, it must have a lot of challenges and being able to vent about it is important, but it is a choice you make and that choice is to take the kid on. If that's too big a task I think the adult involved has an obligation to take responsibility, cut their losses and move on to another partner, rather than fucking the kid's life up over the choice the stepparent, once again, actively took on, and that the kid (probably) had no say in.

Agh. And this was probably in response to something I saw in JFK's post, rather than what was actually in it. I've heard from stepparents who bitch and moan as if this kid was just THRUST upon them, like they (the stepparent) had nothing to do with it, and it pisses me right off. The "suddenly" part triggered a rant about that, but I'm not disagreeing with the general tone of the post, that stepparenting can be difficult in many ways -- because I have no doubt it really, really must be.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

That's a choice people make when they take on a partner with kids. I agree, it must have a lot of challenges and being able to vent about it is important, but it is a choice you make and that choice is to take the kid on. If that's too big a task I think the adult involved has an obligation to take responsibility, cut their losses and move on to another partner, rather than fucking the kid's life up over the choice the stepparent, once again, actively took on, and that the kid (probably) had no say in.

WOAH. :shock: Just because some of us are not exactly 100% thrilled all the time to be stepparents doesn't mean that we are actively fucking up the kid's life. I go out of my way to make sure my stepkid NEVER feels unwanted in our home. If I have a concern about his behavior, I take it to my partner delicately and diplomatically. I never begrudge their relationship or the time he spends with us.

But yeah, once in a while, I tell my bff that stepkid is a bit of brat. Sue me. :roll:

ETA: I should add that when I met my partner (and his child) I was 24. I had never imagined at that point even settling into a monogamous relationship, let alone with someone with a kid. These things are not planned.

[Patsy]

WOAH. :shock: Just because some of us are not exactly 100% thrilled all the time to be stepparents doesn't mean that we are actively fucking up the kid's life. I go out of my way to make sure my stepkid NEVER feels unwanted in our home. If I have a concern about his behavior, I take it to my partner delicately and diplomatically. I never begrudge their relationship or the time he spends with us.

But yeah, once in a while, I tell my bff that stepkid is a bit of brat. Sue me. :roll:

ETA: I should add that when I met my partner (and his child) I was 24. I had never imagined at that point even settling into a monogamous relationship, let alone with someone with a kid. These things are not planned.

Yeah, as I added ^ this is really more me blowing off steam about terrible stepparents who either start off, or eventually end up, openly resenting the kid(s) and making their partner (usually mum) put them (the stepparent) first -- and act like it's just some horrific punishment fate threw upon them, not a choice they made. You're not doing that. I direct no rant in your direction! Keep on grooving, sorry for not being clear enough on what I was really ranting about.

[JesusFightClub]

Hmmm, suddenly can maybe be badly put but I suppose I was thinking of people I know who kind of "suddenly" fell into this. First of all you have the exciting man of your dreams that you meet. At first that you chat and get to know each other, the fact comes out that he has 3 children, one is away at university, one is a teenager and one is 7. But he only sees them at weekends "I know you didn't want to be a mum, but you wouldn't be, really. They're such sweet kids and well behaved. You'll be more like their friend. I am sure they'll really like you." Says the fond dad, and his new partner, not versed in the way of children, agrees. It'll be like being a cool aunt or maybe a friend! Not like being a mum at all. And they'll have the rest of the time together, her and him.

Fast forward 6 months. Uni Son is storming out of the house and arguing over the phone with fond dad "It's me or that slag, pick one. Anyway if you think I'm staying in this shithole with HER over the holidays you've another think coming." Teenage Daughter has rare moods of sweetness but is generally a simmering pool of youthful angst and resentment at another woman taking up Fond Daddy's time. Spoilt Son alternates between demanding chocolate, pretending to shoot her and throwing up on her best stuff, which Fond Daddy expects her to clean up while he soothes SS. And of course none of them have to do what she says because "YOU'RE NOT MY MUM".

I'm not saying that all step situations are constantly like that, but there are days where it bloody well feels like they are, by all accounts. A childfree or childless woman might well have no clue that it's not going to be like the rosy picture Fond Daddy paints, and kids when you've never had any come as a surprise no matter who you are.

That's what I meant by suddenly - it's a massive thing all at once and difficult (impossible?) to adequately prepare for.

[Feberin]

WOAH. :shock: Just because some of us are not exactly 100% thrilled all the time to be stepparents doesn't mean that we are actively fucking up the kid's life. I go out of my way to make sure my stepkid NEVER feels unwanted in our home. If I have a concern about his behavior, I take it to my partner delicately and diplomatically. I never begrudge their relationship or the time he spends with us.

But yeah, once in a while, I tell my bff that stepkid is a bit of brat. Sue me. :roll:

ETA: I should add that when I met my partner (and his child) I was 24. I had never imagined at that point even settling into a monogamous relationship, let alone with someone with a kid. These things are not planned.

I think just like with all types of parents you have some good ones and some bad ones. I feel like my stepmother goes out of her way to make me feel unwanted and has flat out told me she doesn't want me to talk to my father on a regular basis. My dad is also a step parent and he really cares even if he's exasperated with her kids sometimes. Like wiring her son money after he did something stupid and got stranded without any while studying abroad. I'm pretty sure she would have just hung up on me since that's what she has done before when we speak on the phone and I'm not even asking for money. I do think being a good step parent involves more empathy and kindness then some people are capable of having. My stepmother is a great and loving mother to her biological kids

[Patsy]

Yeah, as I added ^ this is really more me blowing off steam about terrible stepparents who either start off, or eventually end up, openly resenting the kid(s) and making their partner (usually mum) put them (the stepparent) first -- and act like it's just some horrific punishment fate threw upon them, not a choice they made. You're not doing that. I direct no rant in your direction! Keep on grooving, sorry for not being clear enough on what I was really ranting about.

AGH, and you see? AGAIN! I spoke not thinking of the general situation (shitty stepparents who whine and worsen their stepkids' lives) but my own specific ranty things, which happened to have a high representation of shitty stepfathers -- even though stepmothers who match that exact description (making parent put partner first) exist in plenitude.

[HeckBound]

Just a comment- if you complain about "new money" people in public, you're not "old money."

Yeah, logging onto a website anonymously, even. UB cracks me up...reading it is like visiting a zoo. I'm so grateful I had my kids overseas before the Internet was a "thing"...I'd likely have walked around permanently crushed at my disposable diapering bottle-feeding weak-assed pale imitation of motherhood. I was blissfully unaware that my diaper bag sucked.

[FlorenceHamilton]

Yeah, I think this is it. In relationships where the attachment hasn't formed, the reaction to a misbehaving stepchild can be like your or my reaction to a stranger's kid playing up in a supermarket. Imagine if suddenly not only were we told that the child was OUR RESPONSIBILITY (even if we didn't know them or didn't like them) but we had to love them too and if we hadn't broken up their family that child would be as meek and biddable as Elsie Dinsmore so the misbehaviour was all our fault.

I totally agree that steps (or new partners, whatever) have a duty to behave kindly and do their duty to the kids, but because they have taken on a lot, a whinge in a quiet corner of the Net or a moan over a pint or seven is surely allowable. If the step sounds like they will do harm to the child physically or mentally, that is one thing, but complaining is another.

I had step children in my second marriage. The marriage ended badly for many reasons, mostly that my husband was sleeping with the maid (and others). I tried really hard to be a good adult role model for them, but there was constant undermining on the part of their father coupled with his need to make sure that my children were always the underdogs in every situation. It made for a very unhealthy environment. By the fourth year, resentments ran pretty deep

I was angry. I recognized that although the children frustrated me no end (and delighted in doing so). Most days I was aware that my anger was truly for my spouse, but some days I was truly angry with the kids. They were all teens at the time. I do understand the need to find a place to vent really ugly stuff.

But all of this leads me to a particular pet peeve of mine. I think that name calling is offensive and often abusive. In my opinion it would be acceptable to say that the step children have been acting like totally assholes to me and it makes it difficult for me to be loving towards them. It is not okay to say that they ARE total assholes and that I cannot love them.

I think that this is a good rule for all relationships. Name calling is an ugly business. We are entitled to state our anger/hurt/frustration with anyone's behavior. We are not entitled to attack them in a libelous or slanderous way.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

I think that is all true IF that was how the posts were worded - but on step-parent forums you see way too many people calling children really horrible things and not just venting - but actively planning how to get this child out of their life. That's the truly disturbing part - it isn't just a vent, and it isn't even just a mean- over -the -top -had -a =bad- day- and -went -over- board rant - it will sometimes be step-parents very actively trying to get their step children away from their families. It's often coached in " oh my stepdaughter the (*&^)^^^%^#$%#$% needs to stay away from my darling little bio child, she is mean to my baby - I'll make sure to keep my child "safe" by not allowing that bitch ( who is 5) in my home !

Wow. I never hang around those boards so it's new to me, but... don't they realize that "that bitch" if she's a STEPchild is the child of their partner who they (presumably) love? I mean, "that bitch" would have darling husband's DNA at least for half, right? And HE presumably loves her, right?

...or somehow the half heritage from darling husband's EX is enough to just completely negate everything and "spoil the pot"? But still you'd think HE loves the kid, or if not, would have given the EX custody?

I guess I could understand "this kid gets bad influences from her horribly evil awful mom and did we mention we hate her mom? We do" but this just seems way over the top yeah. Can't help but wondering what the darling husband in such situations thinks. Hopefully Mommy doesn't leave herself logged in...

[guidedbybobafett]

That's a choice people make when they take on a partner with kids. I agree, it must have a lot of challenges and being able to vent about it is important, but it is a choice you make and that choice is to take the kid on. If that's too big a task I think the adult involved has an obligation to take responsibility, cut their losses and move on to another partner, rather than fucking the kid's life up over the choice the stepparent, once again, actively took on, and that the kid (probably) had no say in.

I completely agree. Nobody is owed the perfect relationship with their partner, and it's deeply pathetic and upsetting that adults put that much stock in the idea that children can be actively trying to ruin their lives. Sorry the person you love has children and that upsets you, I guess? But in reality I'm not, since you're the grown-up and you're the one actively making decisions about your life. If you don't want 'em than walk the other way, like a GROWN PERSON.

[desertvixen]

Hmmm, suddenly can maybe be badly put but I suppose I was thinking of people I know who kind of "suddenly" fell into this. First of all you have the exciting man of your dreams that you meet. At first that you chat and get to know each other, the fact comes out that he has 3 children, one is away at university, one is a teenager and one is 7. But he only sees them at weekends "I know you didn't want to be a mum, but you wouldn't be, really. They're such sweet kids and well behaved. You'll be more like their friend. I am sure they'll really like you." Says the fond dad, and his new partner, not versed in the way of children, agrees. It'll be like being a cool aunt or maybe a friend! Not like being a mum at all. And they'll have the rest of the time together, her and him.

Fast forward 6 months. Uni Son is storming out of the house and arguing over the phone with fond dad "It's me or that slag, pick one. Anyway if you think I'm staying in this shithole with HER over the holidays you've another think coming." Teenage Daughter has rare moods of sweetness but is generally a simmering pool of youthful angst and resentment at another woman taking up Fond Daddy's time. Spoilt Son alternates between demanding chocolate, pretending to shoot her and throwing up on her best stuff, which Fond Daddy expects her to clean up while he soothes SS. And of course none of them have to do what she says because "YOU'RE NOT MY MUM".

I'm not saying that all step situations are constantly like that, but there are days where it bloody well feels like they are, by all accounts. A childfree or childless woman might well have no clue that it's not going to be like the rosy picture Fond Daddy paints, and kids when you've never had any come as a surprise no matter who you are.

That's what I meant by suddenly - it's a massive thing all at once and difficult (impossible?) to adequately prepare for.

I think this one happens a lot, especially with fathers who either think/want to think that everything will be wonderful and smooth, partly because they weren't really that involved in the inner workings of their households, and they haven't stayed involved in their kids' lives past weekends. It's not that they don't care, but they don't realize the amount of work or the potential troubles.

I was pretty harsh and upfront with my partner in the beginning, because I didn't want to let myself get attached if there was no way he could eventually be my daughter's stepfather. The two of us (four counting Our Furry Sovereigns) are a package, and my daughter is always going to be there. Her father is not very active in her life, past sending child support and occasional visiting.

[Bloo]

I am appalled at the stepparent boards because nothing is anonymous, and the Internet never forgets. Those stepchildren can find out what is being said about them. If you want to have a drink with friends and vent, fine...but don't make it permanent.

I met my stepmother when I was eight. Though I had my share of issues with her (as I did with my parents), I did and do love her. She's honestly more of a parent than my dad. It's hard to say whether she treats her bio kids differently than my brother and I as there's a huge age gap (I'm 14 and 17 years older than my sisters). Now that my dad's true character is coming to light and he's divorcing my stepmom, I'm realizing just how much she and her relatives really are my family. It doesn't matter if she's not legally my stepmom- she IS, and that's what matters.

Just anecdata to show that not all step kids hate their stepparents.