Terrible People on Mommy Boards

[Dysfundamental]

I lurked on Catholic Answers quite a bit back when I was still Catholic. I remember those parenting forums there. I occasionally lurk on CA and I recently checked out an old thread there and saw that several members had been banned. I think CA occasionally cleans house when members gets too extreme.

Too extreme for Catholic Answers is pretty extreme! The general tenor of that site has always struck me as pretty fringey/Opus Dei flavored, not mainstream Catholic at all.

[lilah]

I lurk on a mommy board that is local to my hometown. The racism on there is incredible. They all but say they want to go back to the days of segregated schools. Here's what someone said about a middle school

Thanks for not being PC! Who in their right mind wants their child to attend a school where 80% of the population is FARMS and out of boundary? However, no one wants to admit that a predominately black school with improverished students are the reasons they ignore [redacted] or the many other deplorable schools in [redacted]. People will make up all types of PC excuses instead of being honest

[YPestis]

I don't go on mommy boards as I'm not a parent yet but I have heard of the cattiness on those boards. I think there's multiple reasons for the general politicization of motherhood:

1. We have the interwebz! Everything on there gets magnified. For the first time, people with rare beliefs/practices have a place to get together and feel empowered, but its a double edged sword; all that energy can also whip up hysteria and infallibility. People get convinced their views must be correct because they've heard from many like minded posters. Hence, when they bump into someone with differing views (online), conflict ensues.

2. Some SAHM mothers re-channel their career energy into parenting. I touch on this on another thread I started on intensive mothering. We have a generation of women who are well educated, career-driven, but have decided to stay home fulltime. Maybe some mothers are ill suited to this transition. They are raised to be competitive and turn that singular focus to their kids. Everything they do must be researched and documented, ergo, alternative decisions made by others must be wrong. Moreover, differing choices forces them some to feel insecure about their own decisions, hence the in-fighting.

3. We now have fewer kids per family so it becomes more important that each of child succeed in order to prove we are good parents. When families were five or six kids, it was ok if Johnny was failing school because the other five were doing fine. When a mother has only two kids to show for her work, Johnny's failures are seen as failings a larger reflection of her effort.

4. We have more money and choices to argue whether parenting. Cloth vs disposable, formula vs breast, attachment vs non. These are issues for mothers with choices and relative wealth. Equitable choices are only possible because we have access to formula, disposable diapers and stay at home parenting.

I don't know any one factor contributed to the heightened sense of parenting paranoia. However, all these things may contribute to the polarization of parenting today. And, as others noted, it's mostly fought online, where everyone is anonymous, no one has a filter, and everyone can find someone who will agree with them on anything.

[skeptifem]

Step-parenting is really hard and stressful for a lot of reasons. Some of the stressors are unique to stepparents, such as dealing with "the other" biological parent, but honestly 90% of it is just plain ol' parenting stuff. No online community would or should give a pass to a parent who called their biological kid names (and if there are such communities, I sooooooo don't want to know about them); stepparents should be held to the same standards of behavior. I get discouraged when step-parenting forums don't because this perpetuates the stereotype of the unwilling, angry, resentful, mean step-mother or step-father.

Its plain old parenting stuff without the attachment that makes regular parents able to stand it (usually). that is a big difference. Having your own kid puke on you (or treat you poorly) is very different than having a stranger do it.

Parents are people, I don't care if they are step parents or not. If they are just venting and don't really mean it, and the kids don't find out, I really don't see the harm.

[NurseNell]

I just went to check a few sites out too. And: :o :shock: They make FJ look like a place where it rains cotton candy and everyone gets a free puppy/kitten to cuddle with, while we're singing kumbaya.

Wow, I guess it's time to pay a visit.

[Jinger Jar]

Too extreme for Catholic Answers is pretty extreme! The general tenor of that site has always struck me as pretty fringey/Opus Dei flavored, not mainstream Catholic at all.

Have you been on the forums at Fish Eaters? Those people make the FSSP look like hippie folk Mass Catholics. Thank God there's no parenting sub-forum there; I'm afraid to know how they raise their children.

[Jinger Jar]

Its plain old parenting stuff without the attachment that makes regular parents able to stand it (usually). that is a big difference. Having your own kid puke on you (or treat you poorly) is very different than having a stranger do it.

Parents are people, I don't care if they are step parents or not. If they are just venting and don't really mean it, and the kids don't find out, I really don't see the harm.

Step-parenting is a different form of parenting. But there's attachment, or there should be, and if the children are seen as strangers, something is deeply amiss.

If a parent came on this forum or CafeMom and referred to their children as "fucking assholes" or called their 3-year-old daughter "that little cunt" (as I have read on step-parenting forums), would they be called out on it? Or would they be excused, as in "Well, they're just letting off steam." I'd like to think the former.

Sorry, but stepparents don't get an out for being jerks online about their stepchildren simply because they didn't give birth to them.

[Wolfie]

I'm actually a sorority member, so instead of going off of stereotypes, postings on the Internet and random TV shows portraying Greek life I actually know what I'm talking about.

My sister's experience in a sorority was the stereotype, she actually left because of it. So some sororities are the stereotype.

[NurseNell]

UrbanBaby has a weird format, it's difficult to read and follow threads.

Fisheaters' registration is closed. Maybe because it's Lent?

[sugarloaf]

Kind of off topic, but echoing what others have said (as a non-parent), I hope that parents and step-parents alike have a place to vent about how much they (sometimes) dislike their children (or their role, or whatever). Every relationship goes through ups and downs and I presume what a parent feels for a child is no different. I'd much rather someone's (step) mum go onto an anonymous message board and be able to say things like "I'm not sure I was so cut out to be a mother" or "my three year old has been a raging hellion for the last several months, I don't like her very much right now, and I'm struggling" and be able to vent so that they don't take it out on the children. (Therapy would probably be preferable, but it's not accessible for everyone)

[NurseNell]

My sister's experience in a sorority was the stereotype, she actually left because of it. So some sororities are the stereotype.

I think there are two types of sororities. Several of my friends belong to Delta Sigma Theta. Their members are very active in the African American community, performing many public service acts. Delta Delta Delta, on the other hand, always seemed to be more of a mean girls' group.

My daughter's birthmother belonged to a sorority in high school. That surprised me as I always associated sororities with colleges. It was definitely a snobby girls' group, which my daughter's bother joined because of pressure from her social climbing mother. It was not a good experience,

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

I've had some not-so-nice thoughts about my partner's kid, I'll admit. I try to keep it to myself though.

[MandyLaLa]

My sister's experience in a sorority was the stereotype, she actually left because of it. So some sororities are the stereotype.

And I understand that, but you're at least speaking from experience. I'm not saying sororities are perfect and they never have mean girls or drama. I just get sick of people who have no first hand knowledge assuming that sorority girls are OMG sew horrible, because they heard about it on the Internet.

[YPestis]

I think being a step parent is infinitely more difficult because on top of the parenting stuff, you have to compete with the bio parents, with differing values and lifestyles, and that's on top of having to put up with all this stuff for a kid not your own. I remember a common adage is that many parents say they would never put up with this or that for someone else' child but they do for their own because there's that biological urge. I think what makes step-parenting so difficult: you have to put up with crap that most people would never deal with on "other people's children".

[wildcatgrrl]

I mostly lurk at a mom board now (I'm talking maybe 1-2 posts a year) that I joined when trying to get pregnant with my oldest. A couple of years ago, someone posted that she lost her "baby maker." So I'm thinking, "oh hysterectomy, that's sad if she wanted more kids." Nope. Open the thread and she was talking about her HUSBAND who was killed in a car wreck. FFS!

It's almost like reverse fundie-ism. Because the prevailing attitude I've seen over the years form that board, aside from the junk food/natural, breast/bottle, cloth/disposable battles, are that men are basically children with nothing of substantial merit to contribute. Except for when you need the SACRED SPERM!!

[sugarloaf]

I mostly lurk at a mom board now (I'm talking maybe 1-2 posts a year) that I joined when trying to get pregnant with my oldest. A couple of years ago, someone posted that she lost her "baby maker." So I'm thinking, "oh hysterectomy, that's sad if she wanted more kids." Nope. Open the thread and she was talking about her HUSBAND who was killed in a car wreck. FFS!

It's almost like reverse fundie-ism. Because the prevailing attitude I've seen over the years form that board, aside from the junk food/natural, breast/bottle, cloth/disposable battles, are that men are basically children with nothing of substantial merit to contribute. Except for when you need the SACRED SPERM!!

Referring to one's life partner as a baby maker is just disgusting, whichever way it goes. I almost find it worse when people do it outside really proscriptive religion, because they haven't been brainwashed into it (and they don't have support from a book they believe is the word of God), they've come to that conclusion all on their own.

[lilwriter85]

Too extreme for Catholic Answers is pretty extreme! The general tenor of that site has always struck me as pretty fringey/Opus Dei flavored, not mainstream Catholic at all.

Back when I lurked on that site, a few mainstream Catholic types were posting. But like you said it is very fringey/Opus Dei. I remember a thread on there where a woman asked for advice about attending her lesbian cousin's baby shower. She didn't want to take her young daughter and I remember the responses were very homophobic and crazy.

[desertvixen]

Sorry, but stepparents don't get an out for being jerks online about their stepchildren simply because they didn't give birth to them.

This.

[Joan of Snarc]

I was born via c-section, bottlefed, wore disposable nappies (diapers) and grew up in a terraced house in Coventry which is teeny tiny by US standards. My dad was an engineer for Peugeot and my mum worked at WH Smiths and then Boots, and I went to regular state schools. Clearly I am doomed :lol:

It's a wonder you can walk and chew gum at the same time!

:lol:

[Patsy]

This.

Yep.

[Guest]

I certainly don't think it's okay for step-parents to say horrible, terrible things about their step-children, but many step-parent relationships are very strange. My mother started dating my step-father when my siblings and I were between the ages of 5 and 8, and then they got married when we were 7-10. We are all close with my step-father, but he is definitely less tolerant of us than my mother, and he has a very different relationship with us than he does with my half-brother (who is his biological son). Like I said, they shouldn't go online calling their step-children terrible names, but I think that there's definitely a lot of frustration that goes into being a step-parent, and people often need to let that out and also share ideas on how to grow relationships with their step-children.

[Mama Mia]

Kind of off topic, but echoing what others have said (as a non-parent), I hope that parents and step-parents alike have a place to vent about how much they (sometimes) dislike their children (or their role, or whatever). Every relationship goes through ups and downs and I presume what a parent feels for a child is no different. I'd much rather someone's (step) mum go onto an anonymous message board and be able to say things like "I'm not sure I was so cut out to be a mother" or "my three year old has been a raging hellion for the last several months, I don't like her very much right now, and I'm struggling" and be able to vent so that they don't take it out on the children. (Therapy would probably be preferable, but it's not accessible for everyone)

I think that is all true IF that was how the posts were worded - but on step-parent forums you see way too many people calling children really horrible things and not just venting - but actively planning how to get this child out of their life. That's the truly disturbing part - it isn't just a vent, and it isn't even just a mean- over -the -top -had -a =bad- day- and -went -over- board rant - it will sometimes be step-parents very actively trying to get their step children away from their families. It's often coached in " oh my stepdaughter the (*&^)^^^%^#$%#$% needs to stay away from my darling little bio child, she is mean to my baby - I'll make sure to keep my child "safe" by not allowing that bitch ( who is 5) in my home !

[Jinger Jar]

I think that is all true IF that was how the posts were worded - but on step-parent forums you see way too many people calling children really horrible things and not just venting - but actively planning how to get this child out of their life. That's the truly disturbing part - it isn't just a vent, and it isn't even just a mean- over -the -top -had -a =bad- day- and -went -over- board rant - it will sometimes be step-parents very actively trying to get their step children away from their families. It's often coached in " oh my stepdaughter the (*&^)^^^%^#$%#$% needs to stay away from my darling little bio child, she is mean to my baby - I'll make sure to keep my child "safe" by not allowing that bitch ( who is 5) in my home !

Exactly!

[Feberin]

I certainly don't think it's okay for step-parents to say horrible, terrible things about their step-children, but many step-parent relationships are very strange. My mother started dating my step-father when my siblings and I were between the ages of 5 and 8, and then they got married when we were 7-10. We are all close with my step-father, but he is definitely less tolerant of us than my mother, and he has a very different relationship with us than he does with my half-brother (who is his biological son). Like I said, they shouldn't go online calling their step-children terrible names, but I think that there's definitely a lot of frustration that goes into being a step-parent, and people often need to let that out and also share ideas on how to grow relationships with their step-children.

I agree and have been very disappointed by the stepmothers I've had in my life. They both started off super nice then once the relationship with my dad was good started to push me away then once they were married to my dad let the real crazy out. My dad's current wife threw away all my stuff when I went off to college including a box of baby clothes that my deceased mother had made for me.

I like online message boards for mothers because most of my friends don't have children so it lets me ask questions and get advice. However the boards I'm on are not about owning expensive things or being better then other people.

[JesusFightClub]

I think being a step parent is infinitely more difficult because on top of the parenting stuff, you have to compete with the bio parents, with differing values and lifestyles, and that's on top of having to put up with all this stuff for a kid not your own. I remember a common adage is that many parents say they would never put up with this or that for someone else' child but they do for their own because there's that biological urge. I think what makes step-parenting so difficult: you have to put up with crap that most people would never deal with on "other people's children".

Yeah, I think this is it. In relationships where the attachment hasn't formed, the reaction to a misbehaving stepchild can be like your or my reaction to a stranger's kid playing up in a supermarket. Imagine if suddenly not only were we told that the child was OUR RESPONSIBILITY (even if we didn't know them or didn't like them) but we had to love them too and if we hadn't broken up their family that child would be as meek and biddable as Elsie Dinsmore so the misbehaviour was all our fault.

I totally agree that steps (or new partners, whatever) have a duty to behave kindly and do their duty to the kids, but because they have taken on a lot, a whinge in a quiet corner of the Net or a moan over a pint or seven is surely allowable. If the step sounds like they will do harm to the child physically or mentally, that is one thing, but complaining is another.