Autism explained

[3 is enough]

mnb, I am so sorry for your loss.

[lovemyaspiekids]

My son had asperger's. I say had, because he was brutalized in the school district which assured us of "services." I still blame myself, because I so wanted to believe the tripe from his father that "this way nobody will be able to tell, and he can be like everybody else." At least, that was what the school said they would do. Long story short, it was much as a previous poster said...12 hours spent holding your breath, until you can come home and cold breathe. His summers here were his respite, as he was finally able to articulate, just before his senior year. But, the bruatlity got to him, and one day after school, he chose not to breathe. He was found dead in the bathroom. He hung himself.

Oh my god, I'm so so sorry. This is my worst nightmare and I can't believe that you had to experience it.

[lovemyaspiekids]

This is so true and made me tear up a little. I wish more people could recognize some of the positive traits that many people on the spectrum have,

Absolutely to all of this!

My daughter's best/only friend is another Aspie and I feel so much like it's them against the world. And my amazingly kind and gentle soul of a son has no friends.

Life is hard enough without evil hate mongers spreading deadly lies.

[deelaem]

Reading this thread feels like a hard kick in the gut. I try so hard not to use the word hate, but what else is there to feel for people who have these views? It's just plain out-and-out evil.

lovesmyaspiekids - there are no words for what happened to your family. I'm just so thankful that when your son was alive, he had an amazing, loving mother like you.

I've been a service provider for three different autistic boys. There were all very different, but all delightful. I learned so much from my time with them. I like being around autistic people because there's such an authenticity about them. And the last little boy I worked with just climbed right in my heart and there he will be always. It doesn't matter how long it's been since we've seen each other, he always runs into my arms. Who said autistic children can't express love?

[lovemyaspiekids]

It was mnb357 who suffered that nightmare and who is amazingly strong to be here and tell her son's story. I know I'm not that strong.

[deelaem]

It was mnb357 who suffered that nightmare and who is amazingly strong to be here and tell her son's story. I know I'm not that strong.

OOps, sorry, my apologies to mnb357. The sentiment remains.

[emmiedahl]

I am so sorry to mnb357. No words to say how sorry.

My friend's daughter is autistic and she can be challenging, but she is quirky, fun and has a unique way of stating the obvious when no one else will. She would never hurt anybody, there is not a hint of malice in that girl. Our kids play together and my children love her. They know that she has a hard time with certain situations and can be so much more understanding than adults.

[lovefromgirl]

And finally, if any of you have school age kids, and know of one of their friends "on the spectrum" as they say, do yourselves a favor, and try to help your kid get to know them. I say yourselves, because seriously, you will see that the neuroligically atypical have amazing gifts...they are kind, generally unwilling to be malicious for the sake of malice, and have incredible depth of soul.

When I am finally working as a guidance counselor, I will damn well insist I get to know my neurologically and mentally interesting kids. What happened to your son enrages me both on a personal level and as a future educator.

Much sympathy to you. I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but damn, do I wish you didn't have to go through it. Nobody should.

[medievalist1980]

mnb, i am so sorry for your loss. your son was incredibly brave to struggle for so long.

[tinuviel]

mnb, I'm so sorry for your loss. That's just unbelievable, and I hope you're doing okay, all things considered.

Back to the fundies, not at all surprised that they are horrible to autistic kids. They're horrible enough to so-called normal kids. I can just see things getting even more out of hand when they realize that they can't beat their child into robotic submission.

I babysit for a little girl with Aspberger's. She sometimes has tantrums or fixates on things. This can be difficult, but it just seems SO FREAKING OBVIOUS that yelling at her or hitting her would only makes things more stressful for her and would make things worse. I just canNOT fathom that as a strategy for any kid, much less one who already finds it more difficult to control her impulses and blend in than the average kid might. Learning all of those social and emotional skills takes a lot of time and effort!! I don't expect her to have it all figured out just because I say she should. Hell, I don't have it all figured out either. The best thing I've found to keep things running smoothly with her is to listen and explain. Even more than with an average kid. She's sweet, smart, and logical, so usually if I take the little extra time to explain the why's and wherefore's she does just fine. If she has to do something she doesn't like, I tell her way in advance so that she can get used to the idea first. That avoids a lot of tantrums right there. "Okay, we can play here for x more minutes. That's enough time for you to do y. Then we're going to do z thing that you don't always like because [reasons]. Then when that's over, you can do [fun or at least non-odious thing]." That works a hell of a lot better than yelling at her later... jeez.

Don't they get that kids are people too?!?!?

[nutella addict]

mnb357, that is so, so awful, and I am so, so sorry. I don't think there are really any appropriate words to express how sorry I am that you and your family had to go through that, but if I could I'd give you a very big hug too.

I knew some autistic kids growing up, and while some of them did things that unnerved us from time to time, all of them were such sweet people trying their best to express themselves and behave appropriately at all times and just were so special (and I mean that in the true sense, not the "special needs" sense). All of them just wanted to be shown love and acceptance. I am so glad that where I grew up, most people were willing to give that to them. One kid was on swim team with me, and had a very creative way with nicknames, so we had him come up with nicknames for all the kids on the team and used those on our t-shirts instead of our own names, and he loved every minute of it, and his joy was just incredible, just pure joy shining on his face. I wish everyone could be treated with love and acceptance, especially kids who do have some sort of difference.

[persuas1ve]

mnb357--I have no word to adequately express my feelings on reading your story. I cannot imagine losing a child.

I have a son with ADHD (another of those issues that people think is equated to bad parenting) and I prefer that he associate with the kids on his soccer team who are on the spectrum. They are quirky--like he is--they often have unusual interests for 6 and 7 year olds--like he does--and their parents understand the hair trigger tantrums, the sometimes strange behaviors, and the fact that he will only wear sweat pants. We actually got "lucky" in the last couple of soccer seasons...my son was placed on a team with four other "special needs" kids and our coach is excellent with them. Watching him enjoy other kids' company--and having those kids seek him out as a companion--makes my day.

[Rosa]

mnb, I'm so sorry.

My son's either/or/and ADHD/SID/autism spectrum and I get all of what people are saying - the idiots who think more discipline (or different discipline, or more consistent discipline, or whatever) is the answer, and the bonding wtih other moms of spectrum kids because they get it, and the high-functioning-kid's special burden that they *can* fake it for a long time so we start expecting that all the time, and blaming him when he decompensates.

(And also that the whole family is weird, he's just diagnosed: nobody on his dad's side of the family will look at your face when you talk, so even though every single professional we see first thing they say is "well he won't look at faces so he's somewhere on the autism spectrum..." his dad is all NO THAT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NO MENTAL ISSUES IN MY FAMILY")

[mnb357]

Rosa,

Yes! You know, when I was trying to explain to my two older kids why some kids think their little brother is weird, they just don't get it. They say, that's just their brother. Actually, my oldest says, "WTF, it's just him, I mean, seriously, WTF?" (Swearing in context and without inflection, a skill taught to him by his lost older brother...a la 'colorful euphamisms' from Star Trek IV, by the way.) Uncondtional love is an amazing thing, isn't it?

[nuri]

Rosa,

Yes! You know, when I was trying to explain to my two older kids why some kids think their little brother is weird, they just don't get it. They say, that's just their brother. Actually, my oldest says, "WTF, it's just him, I mean, seriously, WTF?" (Swearing in context and without inflection, a skill taught to him by his lost older brother...a la 'colorful euphamisms' from Star Trek IV, by the way.) Uncondtional love is an amazing thing, isn't it?

Unfortunately, families like yours and mine are rare. Hopefully it's changing, but I recently took part in a study of siblings of people with autism. The researcher shared some of her findings with me, and she remarked that families where this sort of unconditional "he's just my brother", well, mine was the only one that seemed like that.

In other families, they saw their sibling as a burden, a duty. They love them, but it's tempered by a sense of loss and grief for a "real sibling", which only grew as they got older and they realized they were supposed to take care of their brother or sister. Parents had been told to have more kids if the first was diagnosed, so someone could take care of them!

It devastated me. I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm going to annoy my brother by hugging him extra for you, okay?

(People get so weirded out when I tell them that my litmus test for boyfriends is how they treated and interacted wiith my twin. I'm humbled so often by my husband, who really does view my twin as part of me, and that loving me means loving him. I don't see anything odd about this)

[Beeks]

Unfortunately, families like yours and mine are rare. Hopefully it's changing, but I recently took part in a study of siblings of people with autism. The researcher shared some of her findings with me, and she remarked that families where this sort of unconditional "he's just my brother", well, mine was the only one that seemed like that.

In other families, they saw their sibling as a burden, a duty. They love them, but it's tempered by a sense of loss and grief for a "real sibling", which only grew as they got older and they realized they were supposed to take care of their brother or sister. Parents had been told to have more kids if the first was diagnosed, so someone could take care of them!

It devastated me. I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm going to annoy my brother by hugging him extra for you, okay?

(People get so weirded out when I tell them that my litmus test for boyfriends is how they treated and interacted wiith my twin. I'm humbled so often by my husband, who really does view my twin as part of me, and that loving me means loving him. I don't see anything odd about this)

I think it's totally fair for a sibling to feel that way though, especially if their sibling is extremely low-functioning. They wouldn't be able to have a "normal" sibling relationship with a neurotypical kid, and I don't really see anything wrong with the neurotypical sibling mourning that fact.

[finleeport]

You know, this is nothing new to me, I have asperger's and this is nothing to me. My old school teacher insisted that I was being lazy, willful and incorrigible. She didn't even want me in her classroom anymore so I had to go to a different one.

This is not new, historically they would call people like me 'changelings' fairy children. And changeling children were not liked a lot. Even Martin Luther thought an autistic boy was possessed by demon and tried to exorcised him, he died.

[nuri]

I think it's totally fair for a sibling to feel that way though, especially if their sibling is extremely low-functioning. They wouldn't be able to have a "normal" sibling relationship with a neurotypical kid, and I don't really see anything wrong with the neurotypical sibling mourning that fact.

I get that, even though it seems very foriegn to me -- but that might be a function of not being totally neurotypical myself and being twins (my older brothers have expressed it from time to time, particularly about "caring for him". I'll be taking primary when my parents can't, probably for that very reason). But I went through more of the interview (I don't think she's published yet) ....I think it's a normal and healthy feeling, but on a personal level, it would feel like a failing. I hope, for most people, that it's a stage they go through, rather than the endpoint of their relationship.

I've mentioned it before, but I tend to follow the social view of disability, rather than the medical -- in short, that disability isn't caused by a person's impairments, but by societies inability to accommodate. I'm fairly certain that my relationship with my brother, along with my own severe ADHD, has really been the trigger for my beliefs.

[shesinsane]

Don't they get that kids are people too?!?!?

I think in the fundie world, children are little clay masses that you have to mold up in a Godly fashion. Anything less (or non secular) will result in Satan immediately taking possession of said child, in a very public way so that everyone in your church knows your child isn't an angel and therefore you're a failure as a parent.

[Beeks]

I get that, even though it seems very foriegn to me -- but that might be a function of not being totally neurotypical myself and being twins (my older brothers have expressed it from time to time, particularly about "caring for him". I'll be taking primary when my parents can't, probably for that very reason). But I went through more of the interview (I don't think she's published yet) ....I think it's a normal and healthy feeling, but on a personal level, it would feel like a failing. I hope, for most people, that it's a stage they go through, rather than the endpoint of their relationship.

I've mentioned it before, but I tend to follow the social view of disability, rather than the medical -- in short, that disability isn't caused by a person's impairments, but by societies inability to accommodate. I'm fairly certain that my relationship with my brother, along with my own severe ADHD, has really been the trigger for my beliefs.

I love this, especially with regards to ASD or any person who is a little different. As I said earlier, I think most people are really missing out by not realizing all the amazing traits that so many people who are "on the spectrum" have. People get so caught up in being scared of it that they don't look at the good.

You sound like an awesome sibling. Your twin is really lucky to have you.

[clibbyjo]

There are 3 boys with aspbergers in my co-op and one of them is one of my sons best friends.My son is actually going to an amusement park with him and sleeping over his house tomorrow. All the kids in the co-op know this boy "likes to do his own thing" alot of the time(he wanders around alot asking random questions) and everyone just goes with it. He is just seen as eccentric,as most of our group is anyway so noone picks him out as strange. We just say "he was doing his wandering thing now so try him again in a little while" or whatever. Our kids will stick up for him if anyone outside the group said anything negative to him,they have. He is very sensitive, so the kids know not to joke with him the way they would with others as he would take it personally. So, they just don't do it.(Like the girls might say "nice shorts" sarcastically to one of the other boys as a joke if the shorts are too short or something.That would send this kid over the top so they would never say anything like that to him). The other boys in ther group "on the spectrum" are accepted as well. The kids figure it out on their own and they all get along.

[treemom]

I am not easily shocked, but this is really byond stupid and vile. The poor, poor children be at the mercy of parents who believe this pile of.....you know.

http://www.fstdt.com/QuoteComment.aspx?QID=82877

This reminds me of the woman who adopted the two kids from Haiti and then gave them away.

[treemom]

Mnb357, I am so sorry for your loss.

[teddybear]

I once worked with a woman in the long term care portion of my hospital. She was a fundie who was convinced all of our Alzheimer's patients were possessed. She walked around praying over them all of her shift. She was scary.

[latraviata]

This reminds me of the woman who adopted the two kids from Haiti and then gave them away.

Absolutely!