The Women's Register

[emmiedahl]

So, I just wrote a big paper on women's register in Standard American English and I have fundies on the mind! Here are a few things that are typical of the women's register:

--Doing things to soften the impact of a statement, like ending it with a questioning intonation or using hedge words (perhaps, a little, etc).

--Being overly polite with excessive please, thank you, may, etc.

--Imprecise-to-the-point-of-meaningless adjectives like cute, wonderful, perhaps Godly?

Why do words matter? Because the women's register is not unique to women; it is used also by subordinates and people of low comparative status in both genders. However, women tend to use the female/subordinate speech pattern even when dealing with equals or people who are comparatively lower status. For those of us who talk mainly in a women's register (yeah, including me), we are telling people that we are worth less than them every time we open our mouths. The so-called women's register is a way of denoting to others that you lack privilege.

The result? Women talk less than men in formal situations. Men are generally more likely to interrupt and especially more likely to interrupt a female. In addition, although women are allowed less speaking time and fewer words in formal situations, they introduce about twice as many ideas and subjects but have 1/3 as many recognized as the other men in the room. This helps to keep male thought the standard and female thought a less important sidebar. As one researcher said, "perhaps a 'talkative' woman is one who does talk as much as a man."

Why I thought of fundies? Because the women write in a submissive style and the men write in a dominant one. The gender lines are drawn sharply in fundie writing. I would be interested in doing a comparative word count to see if the men actually write more words in each post, because I suspect that they do. In addition, when we write here at freejinger about the fundies, their criticism toward us tends to be an assault on our womanhood. We are called hags, busybodies, sluts... these are all words used to silence women who are not staying neatly in their subordinate box. We are called mean and similar, because we have opinions that are not approved by the patriarchy and we dare to express them.

The interesting thing to me is that I am uncomfortable with using a very assertive speech pattern. I don't know if I should be less polite; perhaps those assertive men should be *more* polite instead?

I dunno, thoughts?

[JesusFightClub]

So, I just wrote a big paper on women's register in Standard American English and I have fundies on the mind! Here are a few things that are typical of the women's register:

--Doing things to soften the impact of a statement, like ending it with a questioning intonation or using hedge words (perhaps, a little, etc).

--Being overly polite with excessive please, thank you, may, etc.

--Imprecise-to-the-point-of-meaningless adjectives like cute, wonderful, perhaps Godly?

Why do words matter? Because the women's register is not unique to women; it is used also by subordinates and people of low comparative status in both genders. However, women tend to use the female/subordinate speech pattern even when dealing with equals or people who are comparatively lower status. For those of us who talk mainly in a women's register (yeah, including me), we are telling people that we are worth less than them every time we open our mouths. The so-called women's register is a way of denoting to others that you lack privilege.

The result? Women talk less than men in formal situations. Men are generally more likely to interrupt and especially more likely to interrupt a female. In addition, although women are allowed less speaking time and fewer words in formal situations, they introduce about twice as many ideas and subjects but have 1/3 as many recognized as the other men in the room. This helps to keep male thought the standard and female thought a less important sidebar. As one researcher said, "perhaps a 'talkative' woman is one who does talk as much as a man."

Why I thought of fundies? Because the women write in a submissive style and the men write in a dominant one. The gender lines are drawn sharply in fundie writing. I would be interested in doing a comparative word count to see if the men actually write more words in each post, because I suspect that they do. In addition, when we write here at freejinger about the fundies, their criticism toward us tends to be an assault on our womanhood. We are called hags, busybodies, sluts... these are all words used to silence women who are not staying neatly in their subordinate box. We are called mean and similar, because we have opinions that are not approved by the patriarchy and we dare to express them.

The interesting thing to me is that I am uncomfortable with using a very assertive speech pattern. I don't know if I should be less polite; perhaps those assertive men should be *more* polite instead?

I dunno, thoughts?

Japanese has more codified male/female language, as I recall (I'm hoping GVC jumps in on this one). Might make an interesting comparison?

Women are "chattering" if they're talky, implying that what they are saying is of no value. They also "nag" if they complain. If a man complains and he's called a "nag" it's to put him down as being effeminate. And you don't get "chattering" men.

[emmiedahl]

Japanese has more codified male/female language, as I recall (I'm hoping GVC jumps in on this one). Might make an interesting comparison?

Women are "chattering" if they're talky, implying that what they are saying is of no value. They also "nag" if they complain. If a man complains and he's called a "nag" it's to put him down as being effeminate. And you don't get "chattering" men.

Actually, Japan was one of the examples I used! They seem to more explicit in their use of gendered language but the result is the same.

I came across some research in my studying that I did not need, but it said that younger adult women in Japan are more likely to use less female/honorific language than middle aged or older women, fwiw.

This stuff fascinates me because it represents all of these tiny battles we have to fight before we will have won the war.

[Artemis]

Women get 'cross'. men get to be 'angry'.

My ex-boss used to tell me off for 'interrupting' him. Actually what I was trying to do was avoid being talked over: he felt that a discussion involved him expounding his point of view with no breaks, and me murmuring assent. When I disagreed with this state of affairs he accused me of a) being obstructive, b) being unsupportive, and c) being aggressive. Then he implied I had a mental health issue.

I was forever being 'told off' for being 'forceful'. Actually what that means is that in discussion or debate, I do not defer or soften. At all. (Unless I feel sorry for my opponent because they're obviously out of their depth or too weak to compete.) I use generally assertive, very masculine, speech patterns, and don't moderate or qualify sentences: probably because I cut my debating teeth on studying Plato, and Demosthenes in the original Greek, and internalised their dialectic, which is, naturally, male.

It's made me a lot of enemies in the workplace. Interesting, isn't it, that if a woman is incisive, analytical, authoritative and knowledgeable, she's a bossy, dominant, nit-picky, emasculating, know-it-all bitch, whereas a man is - oh yes, that would be incisive, authoritative, analytical and knowledgeable.

[OkToBeTakei]

So, I just wrote a big paper on women's register in Standard American English and I have fundies on the mind! Here are a few things that are typical of the women's register:

--Doing things to soften the impact of a statement, like ending it with a questioning intonation or using hedge words (perhaps, a little, etc).

--Being overly polite with excessive please, thank you, may, etc.

--Imprecise-to-the-point-of-meaningless adjectives like cute, wonderful, perhaps Godly?

Why do words matter? Because the women's register is not unique to women; it is used also by subordinates and people of low comparative status in both genders. However, women tend to use the female/subordinate speech pattern even when dealing with equals or people who are comparatively lower status. For those of us who talk mainly in a women's register (yeah, including me), we are telling people that we are worth less than them every time we open our mouths. The so-called women's register is a way of denoting to others that you lack privilege.

The result? Women talk less than men in formal situations. Men are generally more likely to interrupt and especially more likely to interrupt a female. In addition, although women are allowed less speaking time and fewer words in formal situations, they introduce about twice as many ideas and subjects but have 1/3 as many recognized as the other men in the room. This helps to keep male thought the standard and female thought a less important sidebar. As one researcher said, "perhaps a 'talkative' woman is one who does talk as much as a man."

Why I thought of fundies? Because the women write in a submissive style and the men write in a dominant one. The gender lines are drawn sharply in fundie writing. I would be interested in doing a comparative word count to see if the men actually write more words in each post, because I suspect that they do. In addition, when we write here at freejinger about the fundies, their criticism toward us tends to be an assault on our womanhood. We are called hags, busybodies, sluts... these are all words used to silence women who are not staying neatly in their subordinate box. We are called mean and similar, because we have opinions that are not approved by the patriarchy and we dare to express them.

The interesting thing to me is that I am uncomfortable with using a very assertive speech pattern. I don't know if I should be less polite; perhaps those assertive men should be *more* polite instead?

I dunno, thoughts?

This. My chap and I were stuck at a train station. I phoned my BIL ' Sorry to bother you, any chance if you are not busy, you could maybe pick us up?' (questioning up tone at the end.) He was unable.

My chap phoned his friend ' Name, stuck at the station, give us a lift home pal'

Like you I find it uncomfortable but see it a lot.

[Artemis]

Damn this edit thing, I just wanted to add something and it won't let me. This ten minute business is RIDICULOUS!

[julie paradox]

When I'm talking about the things headship and I do as a couple I use phrases like "we decided" or "our house". Headship invariably uses "I decided" (yes, even if I was the one who talked him into it) and "my house".

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

I'm so glad you brought this up, Emmie - it's a fascinating subject for me as well. I am a grad student and have been teaching undergrads for some years, making observations on gender all the while since that's part of what I study. I've definitely noticed a huge difference between the girls and the guys in terms of the girls using more tentative statements, starting sentences with disclaimers ("I'm not sure, but..." "I guess maybe..." "I could have totally misunderstood this, but..."), ending with a question-like intonation, etc. And these are girls at some of the best schools in the country - it's just crazy, because they have to KNOW that they are just as smart and capable as the guys to even be sitting in those classes, yet they constantly dumb themselves down.

And lest I sound like I'm older and wiser, I am hugely culpable of almost always deferring to the women's register. It's terrible. One thing I've been working on for over two years now (actually, my partner, bless his soul, was the one who pointed out to me that maybe it might be something to work on): the tendency to always speak in high octaves, especially when addressing men or strangers. I have a voice that sounded "masculine" to me in my head when I was a young teen, so I started compensating by elevating the octave to sound more feminine...kind of like the fundie baby voice, I guess, though hopefully not as shrill. Well, it stuck, and at almost thirty I'm still doing it. It's amazing all the small adjustments that young women make to try to fit the traditional "feminine" mold that end up becoming part of the way we talk and carry ourselves, and thus reinforce the patriarchy....

[luckystone]

Wow, this is interesting. I think I'm less passive than I realise. I know I do it and why but...yeah. It probably sends wrong signals.

Ironically the last time I was assertive it didn't turn out very well, so now I'm even more concerned.

I hate the use of the words "hysterical" or "shriek" in certain contexts because they just seem to be used to have negative connotations about a woman's voice. I almost exclusively see those words used about women by men, in a negative way.

[debrand]

I don't have much to add except a thanks to emmie for starting the topic.

[CynicMom]

Let's not forget contradicting anything a man says. It doesn't really matter the tone, if a man says something and you respond by saying "Well we can't do that because X" then watchers assume you're having an argument, not a discussion.

Plus the masculine register of "needing to explain this to the woman". Guys seem to do this when there isn't any need. It causes the assumption by the woman that she is presumed to be less intelligent, causing resentment.

[Artemis]

In terms of the use of status-imbalanced language, for a lower status person such as a woman, expressing legitimate needs and desires is unfeminine: it's insufficiently deferential. Even down to something like this:

Me to MIL after lunch: Would you like tea or coffee? (polite question as she has tea 90% of the time but occasionally opts for coffee, so it would be rude to plonk tea down in front of her without checking.)

MIL: Whatever you're making, dear

Me: Well I'm making both, which would you like?

MIL: I don't mind, dear

Me: I really am making both, which would you prefer?

MIL: Whatever is least trouble, dear, I'm easy

Me: OK, I'm having coffee, DH is having coffee, what would you like?

MIL: Well if you're having coffee, then I will. I don't want to be any trouble.

Me: You aren't any trouble. (Thinks: boil a kettle, one spoonful of instant vs one teabag. It's no trouble FFS. In fact since I'm actually making cafetiere coffee and I have to rinse it out from the last time, tea is actually less trouble.) Would you like coffee, or would you prefer tea? 1st DD is having tea.

MIL: Well, if she's having tea, then I'll have tea

(Which is what she would have preferred all along. But it isn't OK to say so, because it might be being demanding.)

Simpler, non-status skewed version:

Me: Would you like tea or coffee?

MIL: Tea, please. Thanks.

This is not just a matter of generational politesse: it's a symptom of status-imbalanced thinking. It is evident in many many daily transactions. For example: I like roast meat, my husband doesn't. Whenever we go to my mother's for Sunday dinner, she piles meat onto his plate, because he's a man, and gives me one slice. Because I'm female, and meat is for the workers. If I ask for more, I'm being greedy: if he doesn't eat his, she's insulted.

Here's another:

Ask an older female member of your family if she's hungry and she would like some (appropriate and acceptable thing to eat.) (You know she is hungry, because she's made indirect comments about it having been a long time since breakfast.)

Chances are she will say no. At this point, you are expected to ask again, because she has done the polite and feminine thing, and indicated that she is putting her own wants aside. You may have to ask a couple of times before she will admit to being hungry.

Ask an older male relative if he's hungry. If he is, he'll say yes.

His default status position is 'It's ok for me to express a want or need and have it dealt with. Her default status position is 'It's not OK for me to have needs. I do have needs, but to have them dealt with I need to approach from a lower status position and indicate that I am still subservient even though my need is being met just like a higher status person's would be.

This status dance is used to re-affirm the social status contract. Subvert it at your peril - if you're a man, you're weak, and if you're female, you're being pushy.

(I used to get into awful trouble because if I asked about someone's food requirements and they said no, I assumed it was because they didn't want anything to eat.)

[pomology]

Very interesting, emmie.

--Doing things to soften the impact of a statement, like ending it with a questioning intonation or using hedge words (perhaps, a little, etc).

When I was younger, my mother would tell me not to end my statements with a questioning intonation for this exact reason.

I'd liked to believe that today I'm comfortable being assertive, but I'm not sure that's the case. When I'm in class (or when I was in class, now that I've graduated), I am pretty comfortable with speaking my mind and my opinions and so tend(ed) to be pretty assertive. And I think that I'm likely to be assertive around people I'm comfortable with, like my friends. But I'm sure I'm not very assertive with strangers. But then again, I'm very quiet around people I don't know well (unless I'm in class).

Anyway, like I said, my mother made me aware that the way I spoke conveyed certain things at a pretty young age, so it's something I reflect on from time to time. I think that the more I reflect on it, the more I'm able to reevaluate and change my speech patterns.

In fact, as I'm making this post, I'm making a concerted effort to phrase things more assertively than I was originally going to. Ah, the magic of editing before you post something online. ;)

[debrand]

Emmie, would humor be covered in this topic? Maybe things have changed but I remember when I was younger, it seemed like a woman's role in a joke was to laugh at the man telling the joke. That used to really annoy me. Now that I'm older, people seem to accept my silly sense of humor. However, I don't know if this is because I'm older or people's attitudes have changed.

[CynicMom]

...

Me: 1st DD is having tea.

MIL: Well, if she's having tea, then I'll have tea

Of course, you were also using the female register in that scenario. It would have been more direct (masculine) to come right out and say "tea again?" or "are you sure you want coffee? You almost always want tea". Instead you had to talk about "convenience" and "trouble".

[bbtlover]

I used to have a higher tone when I spoke, until I took a parent discipline class at my son's preschool. The class teaches no punishment, just to have time to talk to your child about what actions are allowed in that situation and how the other person feels. I was told by the instructor that using a voice that is too high (even when talking to small children) the children don't respond as quickly as they do when a man with a lower register talks to them. I didn't think that it made a difference until I tried. Boy, did that make things go more smoothly when he needed to do things to help himself. I find I talk in the lower register a lot more than I used to and it has helped me get people to take me seriously.

[ElphabaGalinda]

This had made me realize that I use the women's register all the time, but especially when in more formal or professional situations. I never knew why I did it, but I recognized that I did it. The imprecise adjective thing I got criticized for a lot in journalism school so I do that a lot less. This is something I'd like to do more research on. Does it always extend to writing? I find I'm less afraid to be assertive in writing, because I can't see the other person's reaction. I find it hardest to be assertive when I'm supposed to make a decision and I don't know why that is. I wouldn't be as extreme as Artemis' MIL but I would be somewhat like that. Around people I know well I've learned to make my preferences known, but it takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough to do that. I don't actually like tea OR coffee, so if faced with that choice, i'd end up even more hesitant to make my desires known. That as happened, and it's something I'd really like to work on.

Assertive men should be more polite, but I should also be less polite. Somewhere in the middle seems best.

[mkitten]

I will be forever grateful to my first boss in a professional environment for pointing out this very thing in my writing. Now when I write emails, professional papers, etc. I try to make sure that I am very clinical and do not use all of the extraneous registers. The funny thing is, until it was pointed out to me I thought I had eliminated all of that because I did take quite a few science classes and did tech writing; so I really thought that it had been erased from my writing. I still have to work on ridding my speech of that crap though; whenever I hear my own voice on a recording or something it's in such a high octave even I get annoyed. I've always been very assertive and I do have a natural tendancy to talk a lot, but I have got to stop with the questioning myself and allowing myself to be interrupted in a professional setting.

[CynicMom]

Could you guys give examples of what you mean by writing in the female register? You've got me curious about examining my own writing.

[mockingbird]

Artemis - what you bring up is especially interesting. A few days ago my male friend came over to ask me and some female friends if we wanted anything from the vending machine while he was there. All of my friends said no thank you but I told him I would take a tea or juice if they had it. My friends all laughed at me for "taking advantage" of his offer - but I figure he wouldn't have asked if he didn't mean it. I also offered to pay him back because we are not close enough friends yet where I could assume he wouldn't expect me to pay him back, so I think I was being polite there. I know I have been on the opposite side of similar situations, where I was frustrated that nobody would take me up on an offer, even though they had been complaining of being hungry/thirsty/whatever, because it wasn't "polite". That's not the first time I have been told I was taking advantage of someone's offer, or laughed at for doing so. Again, I don't know why someone would ask if they were going to feel inconvenienced by having you agree to their offer. When I was younger there was a family joke that I was "spoiled" and a "princess". It really was a joke because my parents didn't spoil any of us (I was obsessed with princesses and had indulgent grandparents) but I always feel myself going back to that characterization when I (gasp!) accept someone's offer of help/paying for dinner/grabbing me a snack/etc. because especially as a woman it is too polite to do that. (But I'm such a "princess" that it's ok.) I have no doubt that had my friend asked some other male friends, they would have taken him up on his offer too - without thinking to themselves "I am such a prince!" :lol:

I have found myself dumbing myself down but I really tried to stop once I noticed it. I think I am better than I was, the only time I find myself doing that or using imprecise adjectives is when I make a social faux pas and then have to try to correct it. The adjective thing especially is something I want to keep trying to avoid because I am studying to be a doctor and don't want to give my patients a false impression of what is going on with them, nor do I want to mischaracterize a patient to a colleague because that could put them in danger if say, based on my downplayed information we decided not to check up on them or something like that.

My problem is that I have a soft voice. I used to have a very deep voice and even when I was really young people would think they were talking to an adult on the phone. After I had thyroid surgery as a teen though, my voice changed - it is higher (though not super high, just at a more normal pitch I guess compared to how deep it was) and softer now, and I suddenly started getting the "is your mom there?" on the other end of the phone. I finally stopped getting that in college, but it was really frustrating. I actually went to speech class to learn how to project more. I use that for presentations (that style is too loud for everyday conversation), but I don't like the way she taught me to use it in everyday life because it involved making my voice higher. I'm already very short so I feel like that makes me appear even more diminutive. Unfortunately I was a teenager and instead of just asking her for a different strategy I chose not to practice what she taught me and huff through the speech sessions ;) What makes it worse is when I get nervous, I get a dry throat so my voice gets even softer. Maybe I will look into getting lessons again or different strategies. At the least, the constant "do you have a sore throat?" comments I get are annoying... then again I got those with my deep voice too because it sounded too deep/scratchy for a woman. lol However I do think this can be a problem in certain situations. To some people it is easy to talk over me. Sometimes, I don't have a problem suddenly bursting out an "Excuse me!" with my loud giving-a- presentation voice (need to work on doing this more though because sometimes I get into that mindset where I don't even want to bother) but it would be nice to be able to speak louder if I could so maybe I could avoid some of those incidents to begin with. I actually had a pretty funny incident (well looking back) at a coffee shop where a man behind me started to order over me, I said excuse me loudly and it was clear both he and the cashier heard me but ignored me (the cashier kind-of gave a look that she felt bad for me but wanted to serve the problem customer first - not ok), so I YELLED "EXCUSE ME I WAS HERE FIRST!" and started waving my arms. The cashier finally cut him off to acknowledge me and let me place my order. I did think it was funny that I had to go that far, but that incident was a ridiculous statement of the patriarchy. The guy was pissed. I knew if I made a scene the guy would get annoyed enough to shut up. Edited to remove a justification here! I had every right to be assertive in that line! Now that I think about it, I am in a group where I tend to get talked over a lot. I don't like some of the group members so I often just tune out and stop caring just to get through the session. Since I will be stuck with them for the rest of the year, I think I should try being more assertive about saying excuse me when they start talking over me or ignoring me. Part of the reason I don't like them is because they are so rude, so maybe that would help, haha! This is one man and two women, so I think it is just a dominant personality thing (well, their actions - mine could be rooted in the "be polite" register). They also talk over two other group members.

[valsa]

I've definitely noticed a huge difference between the girls and the guys in terms of the girls using more tentative statements, starting sentences with disclaimers ("I'm not sure, but..." "I guess maybe..." "I could have totally misunderstood this, but..."), ending with a question-like intonation, etc.

I wonder if part of this has to do with being conditioned to avoid confrontation.

If you say something like "I could have misunderstood but I think the anwer is X", if you're wrong that automatically gives the person correcting you an out, so to speak.

If you say "The answer is X" and that's wrong, when you have to be corrected that almost automatically becomes a confrontation-like exchange.

[Artemis]

Of course, you were also using the female register in that scenario. It would have been more direct (masculine) to come right out and say "tea again?" or "are you sure you want coffee? You almost always want tea". Instead you had to talk about "convenience" and "trouble".

Actually if I say 'tea again?' I'm pre-empting her choice.

If I say -'Are you sure you want coffee? You almost always want tea' I am firstly implying that she is unable to articulate her choice correctly (which she effectively is, but that's her upbringing) and secondly critiquing her choice in a directly confrontational way that may make her unable to feel she can articulate a different choice from the usual one.

(Furthermore, neither of those methods of speaking correspond to my idiolect, so I wouldn't use them.)

Could I ask you to point out to me where I, in the scenario I mention, refer to convenience? I can't find that bit. My mention of 'trouble' is a direct response to her mention of 'trouble, and refutes her suggestion that she is one.

There's a certain hint of pejorative dislike in your 'you had to talk about'. Just saying.

[emmiedahl]

Emmie, would humor be covered in this topic? Maybe things have changed but I remember when I was younger, it seemed like a woman's role in a joke was to laugh at the man telling the joke. That used to really annoy me. Now that I'm older, people seem to accept my silly sense of humor. However, I don't know if this is because I'm older or people's attitudes have changed.

I think this probably fits into the speech pattern because it is submissive behavior and yet you are a bitch for not doing it.

And there is the problem. When women use the women's register, they are linguistically signalling subordination. But when they don't do it, they are a bitch and unlikeable. How do we overcome that without sacrificing our own success?

[emmiedahl]

I wonder if part of this has to do with being conditioned to avoid confrontation.

If you say something like "I could have misunderstood but I think the anwer is X", if you're wrong that automatically gives the person correcting you an out, so to speak.

If you say "The answer is X" and that's wrong, when you have to be corrected that almost automatically becomes a confrontation-like exchange.

I think part of this is situational. If I tell someone that perhaps the blue dress would be a better choice? (ended in a question mark because I am not sure) then I am obviously offering an opinion or information that I am not sure of.

But the other day I was helping someone--a male friend--with his biochemistry homework over text and I said "Maybe replacing the glutamic acid with a small uncharged amino acid would affect steric strain in the conformation and reduce ionic bonding?" The answer I gave was factually correct but I threw in a maybe and a question mark. Women do this in situations where we are supposed to have the knowledge and power, and it tells people that we don't.

I think there are situations where hedging a bit is completely appropriate and men should hedge a bit more in those situations. There are also situations, like board rooms, when it makes women look unprofessional and less knowledgeable. Men definitely use the women's register and it is somewhat of a bad name for that reason. It should be called the subordinate register or something like that. The difference is that a lot of women use it all the time, and there are often consequences when we don't use it.

[linnea27]

I tend to agree with one of your later thoughts; that maybe men should be more polite in their speech, rather than us aim to be "more assertive," which as jas been mentioned can be interpreted as rudeness. By implying that we should not be afraid to be more 'like a man' pretty much states that the man's way is better, and we should emulate it. I am not sure that's true.

I have thought about this before. What really made me think of it was listening to my husband. He has two distinct voices, one he uses when talking to women and one he uses when talking to men. Within those are many slight variances, and after years together I can usually correctly guess who he is talking to on the phone by his voice. He does this entirely subconsciously, as most of us do to some degree, but I have noticed that he uses higher tones for the people he respects most, with his highest pitched tones saved for me and his mother. You elude to this is your post when you refer to subordination (I think- I am on my phone and it won't let me see the OP but I am pretty sure that was the gist) but simply rephrasing it as "respect" gives me a new look on it. Yes, even by that logic, we are assuming that women should respect men more than men should respect women- but I don't think we need to pattern our speech to be less respectful- men should pattern their speech to be more respectful.

I mean, I havent studied this in depth but one of the things I keep hearing is that women, apparently, are better communicators. Communication is a good thing. Assuming that is true, speech and speech patterns must be a main aspect of "good communication" so why would we want to do anything that might reduce our ability to communicate well?

Then again, I am Canadian, and I have been taught to apologize when someone else steps on my foot, and not because I am a woman, so I probably am biased, lol.