Pregnant at 49

[smores]

At 49, my child would be 26 when I theoretically got pregnant with #2. Since I plan to be doing lots of things that don't coincide with mommyhood again at 49, I think I'd make the same choice as she felt was necessary.

[Arete]

A close friend's mom had her when she was 50. Her periods had been greatly reduced in frequency the 2 previous years so as far as she was concerned, hey, this menopause thing wasn't so bad. Found out the blessing was coming in less than 4 months. Husband thought she was pulling his leg, and then practically pleaded with her to stop messing with his head. Normal baby, normal delivery, MUCH older sibs, older parents. Friend is successful career woman now, mom is pushing 3 digits and still sharp as a tack, still lives in her own home (refuses to move in with the kids) and still has a full social calendar. She loved her surprise baby and calls her the light of her old age, and preaches to ANY woman who will listen to not get slack on the BC just because your going through the change. It was physically very rough on her and her husband, and they both had quite good health.

[Gil]

I was born to a 40-year-old woman. It's something that I worry about because my mother is approaching 60 and it's a little terrifying to think about the future. I admire this woman's openness about her decision as well as her beautiful writing -- she's sort of the anti-fundie in her concern for the children that already exist, and that's heartening to see.

[mockingbird]

My dad's brother was born when he was 20Luckily things worked out for them and my dad's parents were able to keep working through when my uncle was in college. He is only 7 years older than I am and we were more like cousins than uncle/niece. I also have a friend whose sister was born when we were ~16 (I think her mom was around 42) but she is kind-of a sister mom. Not to the extreme of the Duggars/fundies, but she is a pretty active participant in their childcare, taking them to activities and staying home with them during the day, etc. She currently lives at home with her parents and when I am visiting my parents it is really hard for her to make time to do something where she does not have to bring one of her siblings along with us (the two that still can't drive). She is part of a culture where it's not unusual for multiple generations to live together so I think that is part of it. On one hand she really loves her younger siblings and is very close to her family, but on the other she has complained about not having much freedom at home (even though she is a recent college grad) and feeling torn between staying with her family and moving to a city that has more job opportunities for her degree. Her parents are both active/healthy but busy with their jobs now. I think that is one of the situations I'd be worried about creating, even unconsciously... if my older kid didn't want to speak up about how they felt stifled b/c they liked helping their family out, too. I really liked this article and her honesty. I'm nowhere near that age, but I can definitely understand wanting to take everything she discussed into consideration before going through with the pregnancy.

[Gizmola]

Fantastic article. It showed clearly the struggles women face.

If I ever got pregnant (highly unlikely) I would abort the child. Everything is against me keeping it. I have no money, no partner, no love for children, no job that allows a Significant Other to keep me and baby, various psychological and other health issues, a rackety lifestyle that involves being prepared to up sticks and go when I need to, and generally if you drew a picture of "a woman who should not have kids" it would strongly resemble me.

Why, then, would anything helped by me keeping another child to grow up like that?

QFT

I am 39, unmarried, not dating, dislike children intensely, work 80 hours a week (happily, for the most part), dote on spoiled dog-daughters and generally have no maternal instincts whatsoever. I would be a fantastic aunt who would spoil my niece/nephew completely should either of my brothers procreate, but for me? Having a child is the number one thing I most do not want. Ever. If I were to get pregnant I'd have an abortion without a second thought. And it would be the very best thing I could do for my "unborn child." No child deserves to be born unwanted.

[helloemi]

My mom had my oldest brother at 18, me at 25 and my brother at 42. She has told me that having him has kept her young and active, she could probably pass for her early 40's. My youngest brother is 9 now and he is the smartest most well adjusted child I have ever met.

Even at 26 I panic about when I should start having children. I was diagnosed with lupus about 18 months ago and have been feeling alright for about 6 months. My OB/GYN has been telling me that I need to act sooner than later while my symptoms are minimal and I am still relatively healthy because you never know what could happen tomorrow. Feeling this amount of pressure on the biological clock at a young age has been an interesting experience to say the least. I've been married for 18 months and would rather wait a few years honestly. This experience has really made me admire women that are committed to having children (if it is right for them) despite societal expectations. Who is to say what is old any more. It was bizarre to hear strangers ask my mom to her face when she was pregnant with my brother if he was an "oops baby". If you want a kid go for it.

[Rosa]

There was an almost 20 year gap of no/few unplanned pregnancies in my friend group, and then in the last few years there have been a BUNCH. Some babies, some abortions, some miscarriages. But mostly a lot of 40-ish women who for whatever reason let down their guards after 20 years of ALWAYS using birth control.

Somebody commented on that article that maybe that comes from the constant media IF YOU WAIT TIL YOU'RE 40 YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT. I think that's a really smart guess. Because we hear that all the damn time.

And, truthfully, it looks to me like the #1 answer to "will I be able to cope?" is do you really WANT to? My 40 year old friends who decided to parent are all doing just fine (well, one had to move back in with her parents, but it's still fine, not a disaster. Just a little humbling.) just like, back in the day, my 19 year old friends who decided to parent all did OK. Sometimes it's hard, but these are all strong, determined women with help available if they ask for it. The despair and giving up comes from trying to do something you didn't ever want to do, just because you felt like you had to or because everyone else wanted to.

[keen23]

Later in life pregnancies run in my Mom's family, but not at age 49. My Mom had her youngest when she was 37. My grandmother had my aunt at 43. My great-grandmother had her youngest also at 43. At 59 years old, my Mom has finally gone through menopause, but was regular as anything right up until her mid 50's (she also has no grey hair, something that at age 34 I already have in abundance).

We had always grown up believing that my grandfather's youngest brothers were born when my great-grandmother was 45 and 46 respectively. Except that's not the truth. The two boys were actually my grandfather's oldest brother's sons. Both by the same girl. They ran off together at age 15, and he came back less than two years later with the babies (this would have been in the 1920's). Their natural mother went back to her parents down the street and never had anything to do with her sons. My Aunt found this out when she was doing the family tree, and my grandfather told the story to her- he was old enough to remember his brother coming back home with the babies.

[Wolfie]

I haven't seen anyone bring this up but it's the obvious reason why I woulnd't have a kid 40+. I'd be old. Theoretical kids would probably have to deal with loosing their parents at 30 or below, and they very well might have a lowered quality of life if one of the parents starts to suffer from chronic age-related diseases while they are still a minor.

Many diseases can hit people while their kids are still minors. It happened to my mom's cousins, it happened to their father, my grandma was 8 years older than him, but they were very young when my grandma was born. Both of my grandmother's parents and her brother died before they were 65. My mom's cousins were in their late teens. It wasn't easy, but they are fine, college educated and all. Another friend lost her mom as a minor to cancer, and her dad to a car accident when she was about 20, she made it through it. My grandfather on the other side of my family died when my dad was about 11. No matter how old or young you are, there are no guarantees. (the rest of my grandparents lived to be 90, 93 and 83. I hope I take after them, as they had few severe illnesses until they were past 80.)

I'm curious as to how old you are now- as I'm getting close to 40 and while there are no guarantees that I'll meet somebody in the next few years and have a child, I've given thought to it, and spoken to people who had children over 40 and realized that it is something I could do, and it's not detrimental to the child to have "older parents." (FWIW, one set of my great grandparents were "older parents" as they were in their mid 30's when their only child was born in 1920. Another grandmother was an "older parent" as she was in her mid 30's when her last two- of 4- children were born in the late 40's/early 50's. All the kids ended up fine, and other than the early death of my grandfather-which was a lifestyle issue, still had their parents well into their 50's themselves.)

However, I do see the reasoning of the person writing the article, and it would be her choice to make. It sounds like her main issue would be a disablity and the lack of care for the child when they passed.

[Rosa]

Yeah, and that's a totally reasonable fear - in other places, where there is more support for adults with disabilities, it would be less of an issue.

As with anything else, if the anti-choice folks REALLY wanted to reduce abortions, they'd improve the social safety net. I have friends with a kid who has never quite been able to live on his own due to multiple disabilities, and they have a very small family - they actually moved back to their hometown after retirement, partly to connect him with his cousins and second cousins so he has *someone* when they're gone.

[Wolfie]

Yeah, and that's a totally reasonable fear - in other places, where there is more support for adults with disabilities, it would be less of an issue.

Exactly.

And if a person does not want to have a child at any age, you don't have to look for reasons that aren't there either. It is your choice. I'm more likely to judge if somebody gives reasons that I don't agree with than if they just say "we couldn't deal with it right now."

[Didi]

She did have a really informed rational way of putting everything.

i did laugh pretty loudly though at the comment about covering up her own face when nursing. :D

[Rosa]

also, i'm not sure detrimental is the word, but there are issues specific to kids with medically frail parents, regardless of age - i have a friend whose parents are both medically frail, and she basically planned her life around knowing that in her 30s she'd be doing a lot of caretaking work. And she is. (one of the things she did was marry and have kids pretty young, so they could know their grandparents; also she chose a profession with flexible hours, and to live very near her parents.)

One of my aunts has a chronic illness that always affected her mobility and ability to work and will probably shorten her life (though things are looking good lately, so who knows) and her husband was decades older than she was. So my cousin grew up "knowing" either or both of them were going to die when she was young. Even though it turned out not to be true - her dad died when she was still in grad school, he'd been ill for years already, but her mom is still going strong - it definitely shaped her life.

It's kind of like the caretaking that kids of addicts or people with unmanageable mental illness grow up expecting to do, only maybe less mentally stressful.