When the younger sister gets the man

[onlyorganic]

A blog I used to follow a few years back (now defunct) got me thinking, how exactly does a young man get around to courting when it's a family with several daughters of marrying age. Does the potential boy say "Well, I play violin and I know Mary-Sue plays piano, so naturally she's the fit for me as we both like music" or does he think "Well, Mary-Kathy IS much more attractive, so maybe I will ask Daddy about her?" Better yet, does he think "Well, Mary-Becky is the oldest, so I should go for her?" Naturally, I would assume that the father would want the oldest daughter to marry first, then her sisters to follow, but it doesn't always happen this way. I can think of a few blogs where the younger sister snagged the man, while the older girl was left to help at home. Then there's the theory that Daddy hand-picks a few of the older girls to stay at home and help, with no plan to marry them off, as their place is at home.

Back to the original question, what is the guy doing? If he's not supposed to have contact with the girl, talking to her and getting to know her heart, he's going off of looks then? I don't get it. And then, as the older sister, how are you supposed to feel and act when your younger sister is planning a wedding with a guy who (to an outsider) shunned you for another girl (your own sister). Are you supposed to just be okay with it, assume that Mary-Sue was chosen by God to be the wife because she's just a better help-meet for the man? I've never understood it. I'm curious what your thoughts are regarding this situation. There's got to be a little bit of despair on the part of the older girl as she watches her younger sister marry and start to have babies.

[Kitten]

I believe you're supposed to meet at approved events, such as the ATI conferences in Texas, where all the attendees have been "vetted" to ensure their acceptability. I remember Michelle, I think, talking about how the conferences were where Anna and Josh met. I think they have events at those conferences expressly for the purpose of getting the teenagers together in a "godly" environment to get the process going.

And then there's all the traveling around, "fellowshipping" with other families. It's not just because they happened to be in the neighborhood and thought they'd drop by. :lol: I'm willing to bet families with a lot of older girls just happen to end up visiting families with older boys a lot. Didn't Michelle also talk about this when they were at the Bates', working on the house - that it was a great way for the "young folks" to get to know each other?

All we need now is a bale of a hay and a shucking bee...Yeee-hawwww!

[bananacat]

I do think a lot of it is based on looks, but of course the boy would never say that. For example, Erin Bates is a lot prettier than her older sister, so I imagine that Gil gets a lot more questions about her. But the boy will say he likes Erin because God laid it on his heart or whatever, and not just that he thinks she's pretty. The Duggar daughters all seem about the same in their attractiveness, but even there the more outgoing ones will certainly attract more attention from boys.

If a younger sister gets married first, then absolutely the older sister is expected to keep sweet and pretend that she's happy for her sister. This is sort of what is happening with the Botkins, where the daughters are still single while their younger brothers are getting married to women who are younger than they are. You will never hear them complain about it publicly, no matter how they feel inside. They have to act happy about it and they are probably consumed with guilt if they don't actually feel that way.

[mythoughtis]

In past Duggar episodes, we saw Erin Bates and JD wander down the fence row by themselves... but in plain sight of all. They are not even courting.... so girls must able to speak to boys and vice-versa in public. In fact, it sounds like they probably get to talk more if they are not courting than when they are. I guess that is because it's assumed they won't like each other 'in that special way' until they court. Totally ridiculus.

[kb2]

I think what happens is that the guy declares his interest in a younger daughter of marriageable age. He then goes through a courtship process in which he jumps through many hoops daddy puts in his way. He may even work for his future father-in-law. A few years in, future FIL tells the youngish man that he may marry his daughter, but when the wedding happens the oldest daughter shows up as the bride. A few more years of working for his FIL, and the guy can marry his chosen bride. Or something.

[bananacat]

I think what happens is that the guy declares his interest in a younger daughter of marriageable age. He then goes through a courtship process in which he jumps through many hoops daddy puts in his way. He may even work for his future father-in-law. A few years in, future FIL tells the youngish man that he may marry his daughter, but when the wedding happens the oldest daughter shows up as the bride. A few more years of working for his FIL, and the guy can marry his chosen bride. Or something.

I see what you did there. :P

[ricky_ticky]

That happened to Rachel and Ruth Wissman when younger sister Bethany got married first. She married Dan Beasley of the Beasley family that's sometimes snarked on here. Dan is a couple of years younger than Bethany, so it's likely he chose her in order that he could really feel his authority over her as opposed to one of the elder, but very attractive sisters.

I think the older sisters are expected to patiently wait their turn, forever if necessary. Imagine if this happens to Sarah Maxwell! The outrage! Already her sister-in-law, Anna Marie, is several years younger than she.

wissmannfamily.com/Family.html

[defrauding]

I think what happens is that the guy declares his interest in a younger daughter of marriageable age. He then goes through a courtship process in which he jumps through many hoops daddy puts in his way. He may even work for his future father-in-law. A few years in, future FIL tells the youngish man that he may marry his daughter, but when the wedding happens the oldest daughter shows up as the bride. A few more years of working for his FIL, and the guy can marry his chosen bride. Or something.

At least the next generation gets some fabulous clothing out of the arrangement.

[onlyorganic]

That happened to Rachel and Ruth Wissman when younger sister Bethany got married first. She married Dan Beasley of the Beasley family that's sometimes snarked on here. Dan is a couple of years younger than Bethany, so it's likely he chose her in order that he could really feel his authority over her as opposed to one of the elder, but very attractive sisters.

Rachel, the oldest, is absolutely stunning. It baffles me how she is still single.

[makepeace]

Rachel, the oldest, is absolutely stunning. It baffles me how she is still single.

I think it is a tragedy. There are plenty of conversative but not fundie Christian men who would love to marry those women.

[darkplumaged]

Rachel, the oldest, is absolutely stunning. It baffles me how she is still single.

I've wondered the same. She's a lovely girl. I keep thinking that her fundie prince (pffft) has to be right around the corner...

[ophelia]

How old is Mrs.Wismann?? To me it seems like she looks way to old to have daughter that was born 2006!

[luckylassie]

Fundie families seem to put such a huge emphasis on courtship, marriage, and child rearing that I'm surprised that more stay at home daughters are still at home even into their twenties. I guess no fundie man has ever gotten that message in his "heart" to marry them? As far as I know, Jana, Priscilla Keller, and other fundie girls are still single and may stay that way for a long time.

[ophelia]

Yes, but isn't there a difference between VF and ATI fundies?? VF emphasize young marriage, whether in ATI circles is much more common that fundies girl marry in their twenties. I thought Gothard supports the idea that not only young men, but also young women work outside in the ATI office and go to ATI approved missionary trips. Priscilla Keller is very involved in that stuff and Kendaly Staddon (Kowalchuk) also worked in the ATI office. Kendalyn is somewhere around 28,29 I think and Priscilla was born in 1987(?).

I think Jana isn't courting because her help is needed so much at home! Same for the other J'slaves. Still they are a lot of poor SAHDs (Botkins!!!) which might never be able to leave the headship of their father..

..maybe they should ask the Bradricks how that works since they married off two of their three unmarried daughters in the last year and all of them were around their 30s!