WTF of the day: Fireworks really suck.

[Glass Cowcatcher]

...poe? I hope?

Let me be clear: I have no beef with firecrackers or bottle rockets or Roman candles or anything else that one might set off in one's cousin's backyard. Those are pretty fun, especially if you happen to be in any of the magnificent states where that particular type is banned by law at that particular moment. Doing dangerous stuff in your cousin's backyard is an important element of American folk culture. Those firecrackers are handsomely humble.

Meanwhile, the professional fireworks display is an exercise in pomposity, aggression, triumphalism, and hubris. The pyrotechnician—and, more importantly, his patron—intends to ornament the night sky beyond the powers of God himself. He means to inspire awe for little purpose other than to demonstrate his power. The first great fireworks nuts in the Western world were Peter the Great (who put on a five-hour show to celebrate the birth of his first son) and Louis XIV (who, with a specially equipped sundial, used them to tell time at Versailles). Fireworks are imperialist and, as we used to say in school, hegemonic. That they are popularly believed to be populist entertainment does not say much for the populace.

No way were all men created equal. According to some of the country's top statisticians, exactly half of them are below average, and that is the segment of the population most likely to get too excited about fireworks. Other species highly intrigued by bright lights include moths and venison. Hearing people hoot lustily at a crossette or chrysanthemum, I assume that they are the same sort who lined up at bear-baiting pits back in the day and, in modern times, watch Howie Mandel reality shows.

http://mobile.slate.com/articles/life/a ... _suck.html

[OddlyAmused]

Let me be clear: I have no beef with firecrackers or bottle rockets or Roman candles or anything else that one might set off in one's cousin's backyard. Those are pretty fun, especially if you happen to be in any of the magnificent states where that particular type is banned by law at that particular moment. Doing dangerous stuff in your cousin's backyard is an important element of American folk culture. Those firecrackers are handsomely humble.

Meanwhile, the professional fireworks display is an exercise in pomposity, aggression, triumphalism, and hubris. The pyrotechnician—and, more importantly, his patron—intends to ornament the night sky beyond the powers of God himself. He means to inspire awe for little purpose other than to demonstrate his power. The first great fireworks nuts in the Western world were Peter the Great (who put on a five-hour show to celebrate the birth of his first son) and Louis XIV (who, with a specially equipped sundial, used them to tell time at Versailles). Fireworks are imperialist and, as we used to say in school, hegemonic. That they are popularly believed to be populist entertainment does not say much for the populace.

No way were all men created equal. According to some of the country's top statisticians, exactly half of them are below average, and that is the segment of the population most likely to get too excited about fireworks. Other species highly intrigued by bright lights include moths and venison. Hearing people hoot lustily at a crossette or chrysanthemum, I assume that they are the same sort who lined up at bear-baiting pits back in the day and, in modern times, watch Howie Mandel reality shows.

http://mobile.slate.com/articles/life/a ... _suck.html

[Kitty]

"Beyond the powers of God Himself"?

Bitch, please. God has lightning that strikes within storms spanning several miles... and sometimes outside them. Nobody is fooled by your firecrackers, which in relation are laughably puny.

Also, fireworks are cool and pretty to look at, and I'm quite above average, thank you very much. Is this guy basing his experiences on drunken rednecks or what?

[anniebgood]

We are limited to "safe and sane" fireworks. The city has cancelled the local show for 4 years now, due to lack of funds. That obviously is not a problem with the residents of this tract. We had more "illegal" fireworks exploding in our sky last night than one show could provide (with the exception of San Diego whose show went up in 8 seconds). The sky really lit up with star bursts and lots of colors.

We got to saying that every time a mortar fired, a tribute died. They should have been lying in the streets this morning.... no that was the drunks on the benches by the beaches.

OT: I was listening to the scanner last night and heard a call at the intersection one street away-- it's another city and better zip code. So we walked over there and some guy who had poor depth perception, and probably couldn't walk a straight line, was trying to back a ski boat into what he thought was a driveway. He backed over a power conduit on the public access side of the sidewalk and then into a large palm tree. The force of the impact broke the front wheel of the trailer and pushed the ski boat into the back of the SUV. When we took my mom home at midnight the cops and SoCal Edison were still there. Such excitement.

[Minerva]

Could this be a joke? If no, I didn't realize slate.com harboured fundies.

[Glass Cowcatcher]

We got to saying that every time a mortar fired, a tribute died. They should have been lying in the streets this morning.... no that was the drunks on the benches by the beaches.

:D :D :D :lol:

[Sunnichick31]

Let me be clear: the author of that is kind of a dumbass. :lol:

I kind of feel like some of it is meant as a joke (or at least I hope it is). He can't seriously be encouraging people to break laws by setting off fireworks when half of the western US is on fire.

[Glass Cowcatcher]

Let me be clear: the author of that is kind of a dumbass. :lol:

I kind of feel like some of it is meant as a joke (or at least I hope it is). He can't seriously be encouraging people to break laws by setting off fireworks when half of the western US is on fire.

It smelled like eau de Poe to me but, as I think someone said, I don't know that Slate typically posts satire.

[RachelB]

I'm not fond of fireworks-- I don't handle loud noises well. But it would never occur to me to try to convince other people not to enjoy them. :?

[shesinsane]

I'm surprised the author didn't site recent events. Due to the extreme damage and continuing power outages from Friday's storm, several town and county fireworks around DC were cancelled.

Obviously, God himself disapproved of the pompous, aggressive, triumph fireworks displays planned, and sent weather that killed 23 and disrupted the lives of millions more in order to prevent further befouling of the skies. ;)

[Glass Cowcatcher]

I'm surprised the author didn't site recent events. Due to the extreme damage and continuing power outages from Friday's storm, several town and county fireworks around DC were cancelled.

Obviously, God himself disapproved of the pompous, aggressive, triumph fireworks displays planned, and sent weather that killed 23 and disrupted the lives of millions more in order to prevent further befouling of the skies. ;)

The intro said the article is a few years old.

[shesinsane]

The intro said the article is a few years old.

D'oh! Well, I guess the author can feel vindicated, given enough time something would happen to prove the theory.

[Glass Cowcatcher]

D'oh! Well, I guess the author can feel vindicated, given enough time something would happen to prove the theory.

"Fireworks are unwise in a very dry year" is completely different than "God is so omnipotent he feels threatened by gunpowder!"

[chaotic life]

Wow, since fireworks are Imperialist, then we definitely CANNOT like or wear the color purple either.

Afterall, if we cannot adapt to the changes in technology that makes fireworks accessible to the masses, then we cannot accept that other Imperialist behaviors are also accessible to the masses as well.

[Terrie]

Personally, the 4th is my least favorite holiday and I'm not a fan of fireworks. So I stay home.

[slickcat79]

I have way more of a beef with the dumbasses in my neighborhood setting of bottle rockets at all hours. At least when you go to a "professional" light show it generally takes place in a nice open space with firefighters standing by, not in the middle of a city block.

It never occurred to me that they were taking the glory away from god, though :? I was just hoping they wouldn't set any buildings on fire.