Sometimes I envy the SAHDs. Then I don't.

[LynnKaboom]

I'm trying to work two jobs (well, technically it's probably more like 1.5 since I only go to the other one once or twice a week unless I'm needed more often) and go to school at the same time. It's pretty exhausting, especially around exam times. Sometimes I'll see the fundie girls' blogs and how they just get to lurk around their parent's house all day and do nothing except knit and cook and stuff, and I envy them. It seems like it must be nice to have such a relaxing life. (yeah, yeah, I know- BAAAW cry more).

And then I realize how much their lives actually must suck. I only have one sibling, and he's 14 so he can pretty much take care of himself. These SAHDs have like over 9000 siblings that they have to look after while their moms do jack shit around the house. They're expected to marry some dude their dad wants them to, and not someone they actually want to marry. And frumpers are ugly.

But then I see all those posts by Lina and Lady Lydia about how important it is to have your rest time, and I'm kind of like "yeah, I really want to take a nap!"

Anyone else ever have those moments where you start thinking it might be nice to live a certain way, then you get jolted back to reality?

[survivor]

All the time, but then I remember that SAHDs wind up being SAHM/Ws with no employable skills which makes it really hard to leave an abusive marriage. I need a nap right now and as mind numbing as my job is, I can't actually sleep on the job. Just surf FJ while pretending to work...

[browngrl]

I work a job where I have to make decisions all day. It is sometimes pretty stressful. After particularly hard days, I think of how nice it would be to let my husband make all the decisions - as I am tired and "decisioned out". Then I realize exactly what that would mean in terms of my freedom and independence and I realize that far from a dream this would be a nightmare.

[dormouse]

I'm in a situation similar to yours regarding jobs. I have my main job as a medical secretary which is 9-to-5 Monday to Friday. But since it's only a 6-month contract and I don't know if it will be renewed, I also kept my former job at TicketGangster, I do maybe 2 half-days per month on week-ends. This is emotionally taxing each time because it's a reminder that, in February, I might be back to doing this full-time and I really don't want to.

I've had periods of unemployment where I was living the "childless housewife" life, but I didn't find it easier. It was physically exhausting: heavy cleaning, breadmaking, going to the store and carrying heavy but economical food items like potatoes or whole chickens up my 3 flights of stairs, etc. I have fibro, so that was a problem. It's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. I honestly don't know which one I'd rather do: work a lot and outsource things a bit (cleaning lady, help from husband, more food items that come from a box or a tin), or work part-time or not at all but do everything around the house myself. Right now I chose that I'd rather sit on my ass at work, make money and outsource the dirty work. But when my contract is done, I have no clue. I really don't want to go back to selling tickets fulltime, I'd most likely collect my unemployment and live the Lina life for a bit, while looking for another job similar to what I have now.

With my past of DV, I don't think I would like to be totally dependant on a man. I've been through hell between ages 18 and 25 because I just couldn't afford to leave. My husband is a big teddy bear who wouldn't hurt a fly, but it's still a very nice feeling to know that if something was to happen to one of us such as job loss or long-term illness or disability, the other one could provide if we tighten our belts just a little.

[titus2_4u]

I know the feeling, too. Sometimes I don't get home from work until 8 or 9 at night, and the last thing I want to do is cook myself dinner, clean the house, or even launder the clothes I have. The VERY last thing I want to do is to journal/do creative writing. I love cooking new, ambitious recipes; having fun with the clothes I wear; having a nice, homey place to live; and creative writing.

(I envy the Mormon mommybloggers more--probably because the more visible ones tend to be more affluent/share my taste in clothing, design, decor, etc. Also, they love a good dessert and cheese spread).

Sometimes the SAH life just seems so cushy. Then I remember how much I love and value my independence. I love getting to choose and research new vacation spots, take weekend trips on a whim, explore new restaurants with the income I earned. I also love that I can actually make a difference and help impoverished people with the work that I do from 9-5 (okay-- often way later than 5). My work is helping me grow as an individual and making a difference in the lives of others. As tedious as work can seem sometimes, and as easy as it could seem to move back home and bake all day long, I wouldn't have it any other way. Not for me and not for the population I'm trying to serve.

[EmmieJ]

There are definitely some mornings - especially as winter moves in -- where I'd love to be a SAHM. But mainly because I could get up, not worry about getting dressed and ready for work and just schlep my son to school in my pajamas and then schlep home to a second cup of coffee. So basically, laziness rears its ugly head.

What I'd most like is simply the financial freedom to work only the hours I wanted to work, at the job of my choice.

My work is important to me, even more since I became a mom. That's because for the first year or two of my son's life, I got so absolutely absorbed in him and being a mom, that I lost sight of who I am in addition to being a mom. Having a job to go to, where my work is appreciated and valued, where I get to interact with other adults and earn a decent living, happens to be important to my well-being.

During the teen years, I have cut back my work hours so that I'm home in the afternoons with my son. That's the first time I've ever worked less than full time and I do love it. I love being able to cook dinner without feeling rushed, being able to clean, do laundry, etc., in the afternoon and have the evening more freed up for helping with homework or doing other activities.

Most of all, I love having the option. I applaud those who choose to stay at home, as long as they had an actual choice in the matter.

[formerlyfundie]

I chose to SAH but I have children and while I do love the sense that I am at home, get to make my own decisions as far as what we do each day, etc, I also respect women who work and have busy schedules. Staying home works the best for me personally because my children are very young and I really enjoy being here with them, I just never got the same happiness or fulfillment from working. I don't think any woman should feel obligated to HAVE to stay home if she doesn't want to though. Being home is my passion, for others it simply isn't. I don't particularly envy SAHDs though, I understand not forcing a child out into the world when they aren't necessarily ready, but preparing them for marriage primarily and making them stay home until then is ridiculous, and these are NOT children most of the time, but grown women. It is actually very sad.

[Yo Nurse]

Dormouse, I agree about not wanting to depend on a man. I don't have a history of DV, but I did get involved with a controlling,manipulative, Bible-thumping state trooper. I can't tell you how much I loved my job then. It was a great way to get the hell away from the craziness. My coworkers were a great support as I was leaving and he was getting more and more crazy. There is no way I could ever trust anyone enough to be financially dependent.

I could do the stay at home thing if I could be secular and still do my volunteer firefighter gig. Somehow I don't see those as being on a fundy guy's list of desirable attributes in a wife. Off to work I go.

[Biscuit]

Oh, I've definitely felt this way. I did stay home with my girls when they were little, and now I work from home so I have had some time to do the domestic stuff that I like...cooking, knitting, quilting, etc.

Now, though, I am in school working on a professional certification that will allow me to pursue the career that I put on hold to raise my family, and I couldn't be happier. But...on those freezing cold winter days, getting up in the dark, scraping snow and frost off the car in below-zero wind chills, facing a day of school, work, housework, driving the kids all over creation, I do get overwhelmed and envy the fundy girl lifestyle.

But then I realize how much I love my life...sitting in the library, doing research for my classes, enjoying a healthy relationship with my husband that is based on equality and mutual respect, helping my daughters with their challenging schoolwork, and watching them prepare to take their place in the world, and all I feel for the fundy women is sympathy for all they are missing, and sorrow that all their skills, talents, and intelligence will forever go undeveloped and unused.

[dairyfreelife]

I understand what you mean. Sometimes it would be nice to not have all the responsibilities of adulthood because at times, I wear myself thin. Then again, my parents and I have such clashing personalities, I value my independence and I do have to two younger siblings, but my sister is in college and my brother is 15 so what would I do? Clean? My mother would love that, but I would be too bored. My father can be controlling and I am glad he was uber religious and believed the SAHD crap. I have a hard enough finding someone as it is. Being isolated and having that left up to my dad would suck. I'd be maiden forever because I know my dad. If he believed this stuff, he would never let me leave home. It be a nightmare situation if my parents fundie Christians.

Even though I struggle right now with everything, I am thankful for my independence. The fact that I can make my own decisions, especially major life ones like who I will end up marrying or my faith is too big of a perk to pass up. I envy them a little, but pity them so much more.

[sableduck]

Yo Nurse, I actually married a fundy man who was looking specifically for a female firefighter. He got a female f firefighter paramedic, and doesn't mind me working part time. He was just wise though to realize he needed a woman who was going to understand the job.

[liltwinstar]

Sometimes I wish for that life too - a slow(er) morning, time to tackle all the projects around the house that I'll get to "someday", stuff like that. I do think that I would probably run out of stuff to do after about a month or two (we live in a 2 bedroom apt, no yard, no kids, no pets) and then I'd go crazy.

Plus I really, really like getting my paycheck and my 401k statement, so...yeah, the SAHW thing is just not going to happen any time soon.

[Childless]

Some stay at home daughters, like the Duggars, work themselves to the bone. Other's though are just lazy asses (i.e. Kristina, the Botkin girls, etc.). If there isn't a household full of kids to take care of, then your lazy backside should either be attaining higher education or getting a job. Otherwise, you are not contributing to society at all.

I look at stay at home daughters and I cringe. Sure, the Duggar girls may be working hard, but what skills (besides maybe being a nanny) do they have? None. So, if one of them has a husband that gets injured and is unable to work or dies, how are they going to care for themselves and their children? These people have absolutely no logic skills whatsoever. They just expect that others will take them in and pay for all the stuff they need. But, what if no one wants to take them in or no one can afford to take them in? Now what? It's situations like that that make me shudder. I've got a college degree, work experience, and a good job. If something should happen to my husband, I know that I can provide my son with food, clothing, and shelter. I won't have to depend on others or the government to help me out (which can be a huge stressor). I have the peace of mind that I can care for my child and that he won't have to grow up in poverty because of my poor decisions.

[emmiedahl]

Sometimes I envy the SAHD's and SAHW's who seem to have so much time and rest.

Today I cleaned my house (it's already messy again), took a baby to the doctor, and made two meals. I still need to take the teenager to an appointment, run out while he is in the appointment to pick up my schoolchildren, run back to pick him up, then take a test, watch two hour-long lectures, get started on a paper, do some school reading, make dinner, and somehow fit at least five hours of writing in the middle of this if I want to have a home to clean.

A nap sounds good.

[titus2_4u]

Just to clarify: I didn't mean to insult any stay-at-home moms with my post. I think their contributions are really under-valued in our society, and I think it can be a great, empowering choice for families that can afford it financially and decide that it's right for them.

Stay-at-home daughters is an entirely different thing.

[Yo Nurse]

Sableduck, I am a firefighter and was a paramedic (technically still am, until my NREMT-P cert runs out). I'm guessing your husband isn't like some of the men described on here as being "fundy". He sounds more enlightened. My issue is that I'm a lapsed Catholic/agnostic, so I sure wouldn't fit into the fundy scene as described here.

I have to say, I was excited to see the Duggars and the Bateses become involved in their local fire departments. It's so rewarding. I would hate for someone who was capable of fighting fires or riding ambulance to be denied the oportunity to do so based on gender.

[sableduck]

He is fundy baptist. However, I think that Gothard has started encouraging both genders to volunteer as a firefighter and/or EMT, as I have seen a lot of ATI fundies in the last few EMT classes I have taught, both young men and women.

[Yo Nurse]

Wow I never thought I would give Bill Gothard props for anything but props to him for encouraging this.

I assume he doesn't just mean Ladies' Auxillary for the women, does he? Not to knock the Ladies'. I love the Ladies' and their mad food and organizational skillz.

[Lillian]

I wouldn't like to be a SAHD, but at some point in my life I'd like to be a SAHM.

Given that I'm not working right now and just going to uni full time, I have a fair bit of time off. I basically already do all the SAHD duties (minus the 'training' of siblings), I clean, cook dinner, do the laundry...pretty much as much as I can for my mum and my older brother. I like helping out mum because, hey, I owe her my life- but I hate cleaning up after my brother- he is 21! Grrrrrrrr. He lives such a cushy life just because he lives with me and mum, and we actually do not like living in a pig sty, so we clean up after him.

I don't know how SAHD's deal with that resentment factor, just because they are girls they have to clean up after all their brothers.

Anyway, yes, given that I already have free time, I can't image having more, and not studying. That's what I would hate, not learning. I absolutely love learning. Not this crap about 'life is a classroom', I mean actual being actually knee deep in old books from the library, researching for the perfect essay about Hans Baldung Grien.

At some point, though, I'd like to be a SAHM, because I never had one and was always insanely jealous of the kids whose mums would be waiting for them at gates after school, and the mums who were able to pick their kids up from the sick bay whenever, and the mums who knew their kids schedule and would say things like 'Don't forget you have piano tomorrow!'. So yeah, I'd like my kids to have that experience, at least while they are in primary school.

Also, +100 internetz to LynnKaboom for the over 9000 reference.

[JesusFightClub]

Definitely do not envy. I have been on the dole loads of times. Being a SAHD seems to be like that. Without the energy of working day to day it's super difficult to get motivated to do all the things you want to.

The toughest (physical) job I ever did was security guard. I used to work back to back shifts, so I would finish at 4am, go home, sleep for three hours, get up and be back to start my shift at 9am. (Illegal under EU regs, which I did not know...)

Where I worked, nothing was too big or small that security didn't handle it. Full evac of the place when *one* of you is on shift, security. Something goes on fire, security. We had to stand up and not lean on anything for eight or more hours at a time. Under a previous manager, if we got the coveted front desk, we got to read (I read Trotsky on the Russian Revolution and got into debates with my co workers about it). Under our new manager you could easily do 12 hours on the front desk with nothing to read (he thought it looked sloppy) and then be called out at some bizarre hour of the morning to shift objects twice your size.

I still had far more energy then than I have ever had on the dole.

[kayray]

I have no desire to stay at home.

My job can be pretty stressful and demanding, but I enjoy my career and worked hard to get here.

More importantly though I despise cleaning and most other "home making things". I can cook and bake (quite well, too) but I have no desire to be responsible for it all the time. There are days I just want a sandwich for dinner and I know that would not go down in fundy-land. I have no interest in making anything crafty or sewing frumpers. My husband is much more interested and adept at these things than I (including the sewing and cleaning). I am just not a homemaker.

While I am sure I could still find plenty to do if I was staying at home, I find I can do all the things I want to do in my free time. It helps that husband and I have no kids. I find plenty of time to read, go to the gym, run, veg in front of the TV, browse the internet, and take naps in the late afternoon. I would go bonkers if that was ALL I had to do all day, day after day. I find I appreciate my time off more because I do work. Yes, I suppose if I was at home I would have more time to clean the house, but given I avoid doing so when I do have days off anyway, this does not appeal to me a s perk, ha! And yeah, if we did have kids (which is not for certain), I don't expect I will be interested in staying at home. I thrive on adult interaction and like I said, truly enjoy my job. It is important to my life and who I am. If anyone stays at home, it will be my husband since we need my income and he would be interested in it.

Oh, yeah, and I enjoy having the freedom to date and marry who I choose, wearing whatever I like, being independent and self-sufficient, not having to care for siblings, and all those other things. It gets frigidly cold up here in winter for months on end, and sure it sucks having to warm the car up and scrape off the snow and ice, but I feel much better for getting moving and getting out there than I would be at home all day - every day. I truly would go nuts in time.

As an aside, when my husband was off work for a while I LOVED it. I came home to a clean house, fresh laundry, a stocked fridge, etc (don't worry, I did not expect him to do it all and he knew how much it was appreciated!). He did get bored silly after a while though, even if he tried to fill his days with lots of activities. Of course, before he did this he had a pretty high-stress career so the break was nice!

[zoestercoaster]

Right now I'm in the midst of writing a paper about Anonymous, online identity, and Donna Haraway's "Cyborg Identity." It's frustrating, hard, and stressful. Sometimes I think what if I had married and stayed at home and given up college?

I wouldn't be struggling through Cyborg Identity (not an easy read).

I wouldn't know who Anonymous is.

I wouldn't be up till midnight or later scrolling through message boards by Anonymous, lol

But most of all, I wouldn't be expanding my mind and skill set like I have been these past two semesters.

There may come a time in my future where I choose to be a SAHM. "Choose," being the operative word. And if I do, I'll still have everything I've learned in my head, and nothing will ever take that away from me.

[lilwriter85]

All the time, but then I remember that SAHDs wind up being SAHM/Ws with no employable skills which makes it really hard to leave an abusive marriage. I need a nap right now and as mind numbing as my job is, I can't actually sleep on the job. Just surf FJ while pretending to work...

This.

I work mostly out of my house as a technical writer. It gives me some flexibility, but I have to attend meetings with my bosses a few times a week. Before I had this job working at home, I worked at restaurants, campus tutoring centers and retail during college. Back then maybe I would loved to be a SAHD, but now I realize going to school and working were the best things for me. Both provided me skills and education for my future.

I don't have a problem with SAHM's. There are some that I do feel sorry for and worry about. The ones that I worry about are the ones who have never work experience or an education. Without job experience, or an education or vocational training, women like that will have a really hard time trying to make it if something disputed their lives.

[fundiefan]

No, I don't envy them. I have found myself thinking sometimes that that life would be easier their way. But then I regain my senses and remember that all the stress and fear and debt and worry in my life exists because I live a life where I make my own choices and take my own chances. The things that scare me and stress me in life exist because I made choices. I knew I would be climbing uphill for a long time, but I still made my choice for myself.

[Deesire]

It's so clear I'm a newbie to this world -- when I read the subject line, I thought we were envying the Stay at Home Dads. Ha, ha, ha!!! I realized from a young age not to count on Prince Charming swooping in (my mom being single herself was probably my first clue ;) ). It's just recently that I've learned the concept that just as there is no Prince Charming, also is there no Job Charming! What a revelation! (This is from Your Money or Your Life. Transforming Your Relationship With Money and Achieving Financial Independence, by Joe Domingez and Vicki Robin).

So, yeah, while being financially independent from my mom and from any possible future mate has been a priority for me (I'm currently a lawyer and also have a Master's Degree in Law), now the idea of being independent from an actual job is appealing to me.

So perhaps, at some point in the not-overly-near future, I will be able to live a life with lots of leisure and even more choice about how I want to spend my time, without having to depend on a patriarch to do so. Imagine that!