Sometimes I envy the SAHDs. Then I don't.

[Feberin]

I recently quit my job to stay at home with my 1 1/2 year old. We'd been waiting for awhile for my husband's job to become more stable and it finally did so now I'm at home. I'm really glad to be at home not because I didn't love my job (I did) but because I like having more control over how my son spends his day. I think a big thing for me was that I didn't completely trust our daycare provider and we couldn't really find another one because we were getting to the point where a majority of my salary would be going to to daycare especially since we are hoping to expand our family. Given the choice I'd rather stay at home then work just to pay for daycare. I still sub at the library so it's not like I never work just a very flexible schedule that varies.

That said I totally envy the SAHWs and SAHDs who don't have younger siblings to care for sometimes. Taking care of a 1 1/2 year old is exhausting. I wish I had time to light candles and read every day. Today my son didn't take a nap so I didn't get even a slight break until my husband came home. I'm not sure what I would do if I had a fundie husband who came home and put his feet up demanding me to serve him instead of one who gets down on the floor to play with our son. However if I think back to right after I graduated college when I was out of work for a few months with nothing to do besides apply for jobs and interview I got bored really quickly. Yeah I read a ton of books but I also spent a lot of my day sleeping and lived off ramen noodles since I was also broke. I would much prefer chasing after my son to that boredom.

[moreorlessnu]

However if I think back to right after I graduated college when I was out of work for a few months with nothing to do besides apply for jobs and interview I got bored really quickly.

This.

When I think of the SAHD, especially the ones who don't have many many much younger siblings, the first thing that comes to mind is mind boggling boredom. When all you do all day is read, do hobbies, etc., and that's all you are *allowed* to do, I can't imagine how boring that routine quickly becomes.

[fundiefan]

The worst time of my life was when I was unemployed. Yes, the financial aspect of that was hard and caused indescribable amounts of stress. But, the worst part of it was that there was nothing to fucking do every day! I can only clean so much; do laundry, cook (for one), go for walks, go to the library. All my friends and family work during the day so there was no one to spend time with. I had no purpose to even get out of bed. I did, but it was hard - really hard - sometimes. I forced myself to get up and shower and get dressed. I even lost my love of reading, and I've always been an obsessive reader. I couldn't focus on a book because my mind shut off or down or went backwards or something. I volunteered then, as I always have and still do, but it was never enough hours or days to actually feel useful and productive on a regular basis.

[O Latin]

I do, sometimes. I actually like cleaning, but the only time I have to do it is on Sunday afternoons, and by the time I've gone to church, helped teach handbells to rambunctious children, and navigated through the Sunday afternoon chaos at the grocery store, I just don't have any energy to do it. Of course, if I was a SAHD, I wouldn't have my own apartment to clean in the first place.

Maybe it's because I never have been, but I don't necessarily feel a need or desire to be completely independent. It's not that I don't want to or don't think I'll ever need to or couldn't if I had to, it's just not the most important thing.

Mostly, I don't want to be a SAHD because I would get bored.

[YPestis]

When I was in college, during exam times and other stressful periods, I used to envy the Maxwell kids. They had their schedule and their homeschooling. They didn't have to worry about failing a class or job interviews. There wasn't large changing decisions to make. But after exams ended, after the interview was completed, I was able to relax with friends again.

Then I felt sorry for the Maxwell kids.

I was able to have dinner and movie with friends, or go out to clubs, or meet new people. The Maxwells would still be home praying and cleaning.

SAHD seems so infantilizing. Yes, life can be hard, stressful, awkward, embarrassing. But staying home, having others make your big decisions can be claustrophobic, abusive, miserable. You may end up living someone else's version of life. You cease to grow as a person. You never find out your own talents, likes and dislikes. You make yourself vulnerable to abuse and manipulation. Frankly, I don't' see what's so great about denying yourself opportunities and blindly following someone else.

SAHD-dom seems so one-sided. People like Sarah Maxwell have held up their end of the bargain working at home, obeying their father. However, their fathers are not obligated to follow up on their end of the bargain except at their discretion.

There's nothing that punishes Steve Maxwell for not helping Sarah to find a husband. There's nothing to stop him from violating his own rules if he so choose, because any kindness he bestows on his family is at his discretion. It's the SAHD that are truly trapped. They have no way to leave when their "headship" doesn't hold up their end of the patriarchy bargain.

To me, that is the real reason I find the model misogynistic. The system reinforces helplessness in one population without proper safeguard to ensure their welfare and interest. Girls can't leave because they have no financial means to do so. But the men have no one to answer to if they decide to not follow through with those patriarchal ideals. Women pray for abuse to end. Men can cleave and leave at their own whim.

[annalena]

I do not want to be a SAHD because then I would have to put up with my parents' crap even more. Living in their house - YIKES!

Being treated as a child who can't make their own decisions....having to ask wherever I go....no dating, no sex?! No car, no freedom to meet friends, work, study?

No, I've been living like this way to long- I moved out when I was 20, before that my parents were fundy-style controlling me although not religious. No thanks. I'd rather be on my own.

[pomology]

I've never envied SAHDs. Every time I'm home with nothing to do, I go out of my mind with boredom. I need to have some sort of project or go crazy. Sometimes I think it would be nice to stay home and quilt all day, but even that would probably drive me crazy after awhile. Besides, I can't quilt for long periods of time without otherwise occupying my mind like watching TV or listening to a book on tape, and that would clearly be a no-no in fundie households (unless that book on tape was the Bible or some other fundie garbage, which would be even more boring than nothing). So, no, I need too much mental stimulation to be a SAHD.

[PBrooke]

I don't know about sahd, but I don't think you should have to apologize for envying sahm's and wives. My own mother was a sahm, and home schooled one sibling who was special needs. And when that sibling attended programs that required getting up at the crack of dawn, my mother shared that she couldn't stand it. So much of the rest of the day was hard, yes, but one of the few perks, for awhile, was getting to set the family schedule to what everyone naturally gravitated toward. It is a luxury.

Now would that one potential luxury make me want to be a sahd? Noooooo way.

[annalena]

. Sometimes I think it would be nice to stay home and quilt all day, but even that would probably drive me crazy after awhile.

:lol:

Quilt all day. I'm just picturing that.

[SunnyAndrsn]

I grew up on a farm, with a SAHM. She worked very, very hard, and at times felt trapped. Despite the fact that she loved my father, she wanted to be more independent. It wasn't that my father wouldn't let her, it was that she then had no other skills and ended up in factory work, and she still had farm work to do.

She told me to make sure that I could take care of myself. Her opinion was that even if I had a husband who could be the primary breadwinner that I should make sure that I too could support myself if needed. She'd be proud if she was still alive because I can, and I am the only breadwinner in our house right now while my husband pursues his goals.

I've been a SAHM thankfully not on a farm. There were many aspects I loved about it, but I love my career (RN) and I wouldn't want to stay home full time anymore.

I am looking forward to the time when we will be a two income household again. We need the breathing room.

[pomology]

:lol:

Quilt all day. I'm just picturing that.

I'm not really sure what's so amusing about that.

[elliesmash]

I lived at home for the past year, but I was also coming home from two years living in India and Taiwan, I was finishing my senior year of college, and waitressing part time. That being said, I did have disposable income and didn't have to worry about food or rent, and since I only had to work part time, I had lots of time to study. Which was nice. Now that I'm out on my own, (well...living with my boyfriend, but we do split expenses and responsibilities!) I have to actually develop some time management skills and can't spend all my earnings on yarn and hair feathers. It's still a bit of a shock, but I'm finding that I like my life a lot more now that I'm living it on my own and doing my own thing. I can't imagine having my entire identity wrapped up in other people, like my boyfriend or my parents.

[thoughtful]

The SAHD life is my idea of hell. And I'm a real homebody, who loves and enjoys her family. I have lived with my parents, briefly, as a young adult, and my Mom lives with me now.

But the lack of freedom for the SAHDs we discuss here sickens me. I love my work, love my independence, and love being alone -- a lot. Being Daddy's girl as an adult, or feeling supervised all the time, or caring for lots of sibs, or not getting a chance to have a career, all sound awful to me.

[gilora]

I live in a pretty affluent area -- there are many SAHMs but few of what I would call "housewives" -- meaning, children at home, responsible for cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, budgeting, etc. Many of these SAHMs with little kids have nannies or au pairs, plus cleaning people, landscapers, etc. I'm not sure how they spend their days -- there's only so many times you can go to the gym, have mani-pedi, go shopping, etc.

I work full-time and am the family's primary breadwinner. My kids are 7 and 5. Sometimes when the stress gets to me I envy the SAHMs and their "easy" lives. However, I watched my father leave my mother with virtually no marketable skills after 21 years of marriage. As stressful as my life is, I don't worry about how I would feed my kids or pay the mortgage if my husband suddenly decided he didn't want to be married any more.

To me, it seems that the SAH lifestyle is more peaceful on the surface but to put all of your proverbial eggs into the basket of your husband or father's life/health/approval/morality is a risk I would not be willing to take.