Purity and Next Steps

[slh12280]

Yeah another purity post, but this occurred to me today:

Many Christian churches put a very high importance on purity. Now, I think this is proper. The one thing that I have a problem with is that was all I learned about relationships. I felt like there was not instruction about how a relationship was supposed to work other than that. I understood and accepted that pre-marital sex was out for me but there was never any mention of the "next step" in a relationship. I guess we were just supposed to know what a proper relationship looked like? I felt kinda lost on that account and still kinda do.

[BravaAmica]

I'm unclear on your question. Are you saying the "next step," as in the morning after your wedding night? Or "next step" as in having a romantic relationship?

[moreorlessnu]

Yeah another purity post, but this occurred to me today:

Many Christian churches put a very high importance on purity. Now, I think this is proper. The one thing that I have a problem with is that was all I learned about relationships. I felt like there was not instruction about how a relationship was supposed to work other than that. I understood and accepted that pre-marital sex was out for me but there was never any mention of the "next step" in a relationship. I guess we were just supposed to know what a proper relationship looked like? I felt kinda lost on that account and still kinda do.

Do you mean in terms of how much the two of you are allowed to physically share w/ each other?

[slh12280]

Like once you got into a romantic relationship how it was supposed to go from there.

[slh12280]

I guess more on an emotional/relational level.

[dormouse]

This is something I've always wondered about the couples who decide to save their first kiss... how do they know their relationship has moved to the next level? In all my relationships, the first kiss was the step from "friends" to "lovers". I'll always remember my first kiss with my now-husband, when we were sitting on my couch and my very possessive yorkie tried to separate us. But how do the kiss-savers know that they are now more than friends? Do they just say it, as in: "I love you, I want us to start courting"? Those who allow themselves to have hand-sex and side-hugs can start doing that, but what about the strict no-touching ones?

[bananacat]

You're not the only one who has questions like this, and it's not limited just to people who place a high importance on being "pure". The advice that I've given to many people is that there isn't one specific script that relationships should follow. If you're inexperienced, it can be comforting to have a certain pattern to expect and follow, so you can just do it "right". But every couple has to do what works for them, and every individual person has to make sure that their own relationship preferences match up with their partner's. There's not just one right way to have a relationship. You have to figure it out be experience, and there's really no way around that. Too many people have tried to cram themselves into the "proper" relationship only to find that it doesn't work as well in practice.

If you want to get to know someone better in a romantic way, try thinking of it as a different type of friendship. You manage to make friends and continue friendships without ever thinking about the right way to do it. So just get to know the man in the same way you would get to know anyone else. If you want to take it to the next step, you have to decide which direction you want to go. It seems like you would specifically try for marriage. So if you are dating someone, talk to him about it. You'll know when you're ready for it.

[doggie]

I think it is the if you don't know you can't do it mentality too.

[annalena]

This is something I've always wondered about the couples who decide to save their first kiss... how do they know their relationship has moved to the next level? In all my relationships, the first kiss was the step from "friends" to "lovers". I'll always remember my first kiss with my now-husband, when we were sitting on my couch and my very possessive yorkie tried to separate us. But how do the kiss-savers know that they are now more than friends? Do they just say it, as in: "I love you, I want us to start courting"? Those who allow themselves to have hand-sex and side-hugs can start doing that, but what about the strict no-touching ones?

I actually think so! I always wondered how Josh asked Anna to get engaged and then they instantly said "I love you". They did have a courtship before though, right? I mean, does the love just magically appear once someone is asked to court/get engaged?

[Guest Anonymous]

I often wonder if love ever really happens between courtship couples or if they are in love with the concept and the approval that comes with it? I see that with Josh and his spouse. I really don't see love there.

[emmiedahl]

Remember how you felt about your first boyfriend? He did not have to be anything special; I loved mine in a cute, puppy love kinda way just because he was my first bf. I think that is what Josh and Anna meant.

They don't have the life experience of a normal adult. They are functioning where a 12-14 year old would be when it comes to romance. Puppy love feels like love until you get the real thing.

[Corntree]

I mean, does the love just magically appear once someone is asked to court/get engaged?

I assume they expect that God will give them that love towards each other if he wants them to be together.

[Guest Anonymous]

Many of the refer to their courtee as their 'beloved' but will be quite frank later on that love only grew after the relationship started proper. Anna T is one such person. I guess the ones for whom love never blossoms just shut up and put up.

When I was growing up we were taught that sex was God's wedding present to married couples and good girls shouldn't open their presents early. We were given books by authors like Joyce Huggett (we called her "Joyce Hug it but don't kiss it") and the no-sex-before-marriage was a big theme of youth groups. The emphasis was usually on the dangers of unwanted pregnancies, STDs and being spoilt goods on your wedding night. All deeply unhealthy and very creepy looking back, on how it was so often preached about by random middle-aged men, to groups that mostly comprised young women.