Seriously Steve 4: Judging and Hating

[Hane]

5 minutes ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

I also read recently that women are likely to end a relationship and be alone and many men don't like to end a relationship unless they have a new one lined up. I don't know if that's true, but it sounds possible.  

My divorce lawyer, a woman, told me this about people of middle age and older who decide they want to divorce: “Men don’t tend to divorce to ‘find their bliss’—they do it because they have a chick on the side. Women divorce because they’ve been putting up with something for years and can’t stand it for another second.” These situations have been true of every middle-age divorce in my circle except one.

[Myfanwy]

9 hours ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

 

Oh  don't worry, Steve knows where he's going when he dies.  It's the rest of us he doubts will join him.

I'm perfectly happy with that. Anywhere Steve wants to be gets a hard no from me. Even if I believed there was somewhere to go I don't wanna be where Steve is.

[quiversR4hunting]

5 hours ago, Hane said:

My divorce lawyer, a woman, told me this about people of middle age and older who decide they want to divorce: “Men don’t tend to divorce to ‘find their bliss’—they do it because they have a chick on the side. Women divorce because they’ve been putting up with something for years and can’t stand it for another second.” These situations have been true of every middle-age divorce in my circle except one.

 

5 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

That's true and it makes sense. I also read recently that women are likely to end a relationship and be alone and many men don't like to end a relationship unless they have a new one lined up. I don't know if that's true, but it sounds possible.  

Interesting! So my ex met his love online (now wife) and met for the 1st time face to face about 10 days after we separated (3 or 4 days after we actually filed paperwork). Majority of my friends and therapist all think he was at least talking to her before we separated. I have no proof (phone records show when he started texting her) and frankly it doesn't matter when because it proves his character.

Thinking of them that means they celebrate 3 years together in a few weeks and I celebrate loosing roughly 250lbs off the couch 😆

[anachronistic]

@Bluebirdbluebell and @Hane yeah I think that your theories about why men and women separate do tend to be true. I wonder if that’s because in many families women take over the social lives of the families, and men are often just sort of along for the ride? I read once that women have friends and their husbands have the husbands of their wives friends. It’s like when you’re a kid and you automatically play with the friends of your parents friends. In my family that’s certainly true. Women drive the social calendar, arrange the play dates, sign the kid up for activities, etc. Men go along to the activities and drink a beer with the other dad at the play dates but many aren’t actively invested in growing social connections and community as a family.

[SassyPants]

12 hours ago, Cults-r-us said:

Steve is so weird. He's had it all: Education, career, a wife who may not be the girl of his dreams (such as that shameless, scantily-clad hussie at the neighbor's pool) but who puts up with him (which is A LOT). Is he grateful? I dunno.

For Steve, the world is such a joyless, scary, risky place. Maybe we don't give him enough credit for soldiering through the miseries and temptations he encounters daily.

I guess if he would shut his mouth and quit side-eyeing and judging everybody, we'd let him eat his 3 graham crackers in peace.

In my experience, there is a line of available church ladies with casseroles on the porch when a man's wife is dying. Maybe Stevehova can just pick one to take Terri's place.

He’d likely move in with one of his kids. We have friends who rotated grandma. She’d stay in each of her grown kid’s homes for 3 months at a time. 

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

Hopefully he wouldn't decide to plop himself on Sarah, especially if she and Kory are child free..

I could see him trying though. Fingers crossed Sarah would say no.

[JermajestyDuggar]

3 hours ago, anachronistic said:

@Bluebirdbluebell and @Hane yeah I think that your theories about why men and women separate do tend to be true. I wonder if that’s because in many families women take over the social lives of the families, and men are often just sort of along for the ride? I read once that women have friends and their husbands have the husbands of their wives friends. It’s like when you’re a kid and you automatically play with the friends of your parents friends. In my family that’s certainly true. Women drive the social calendar, arrange the play dates, sign the kid up for activities, etc. Men go along to the activities and drink a beer with the other dad at the play dates but many aren’t actively invested in growing social connections and community as a family.

Unfortunately my husband’s long time friends live all over the country. Many of my friends live in our state. Some live only 20 minutes away. I feel bad that I’m going off with my friends way more often because they are nearby. But I never stand in the way of my husband having a long weekend in California to meet up with his friends. It rarely happens so I try to make room in our schedules for it. 

[HeartsAFundie]

15 hours ago, Cults-r-us said:

In my experience, there is a line of available church ladies with casseroles on the porch when a man's wife is dying. Maybe Stevehova can just pick one to take Terri's place.

I read somewhere-I believe an online magazine or blog-that for every three widows there is only one widower so Steve certainly would have his pick.  My widowed father can attest to that.  He has had invitations from women-strangers and non-strangers alike-to dinners, casinos and just to hang out over the last five years.  The "best" was a strange woman that called his house right after my mom passed, wanting to know if he'd like to meet up.  That one was very unnerving because his number is non-published so someone actually read my mom's obituary, got my dad's name from it, and put in the time to try and get his number online.  Otherwise, he finds it all very funny and amusing and as far as I know, has never taken anyone up on their offers.   In fact, he intentionally does not put himself out there so he doesn't get deluged with unwanted attention, yet he still gets it.   

Additionally, a friend of mine has a widowed mother who resides in a very nice 55 and over complex.  The mom said that once a widowed man moves into the complex, many of the widowed women descend immediately and the man will soon find himself barraged with plenty of home-cooked meal invitations.  He will never have to prepare his own meals again.   The mom, who is a bit shy and introverted, said many of these women, desperate for male companionship, make complete fools of themselves fawning all over and fighting for the man and act like they are in high school. 

So yes, I predict that if he were widowed, women will shamelessly fight over Steve like seagulls in a New England McDonald's parking lot fighting over the last french fry.   

Edited September 22, 2022 by HeartsAFundie

[JermajestyDuggar]

I’m 40 and I have multiple friends with dads who have died but their moms are healthy as horses. They likely have many years left. I don’t know if any are interested in dating though. They seem to be quite busy with their kids, grandkids, friends, and community activities. 

[kpmom]

11 minutes ago, HeartsAFundie said:

 

So yes, I predict that if he were widowed, women will shamelessly fight over Steve like seagulls in a New England McDonald's parking lot fighting over the last french fry.   

Blech 🤮 Not if he was the last man on earth.  Take that last cold, humorless, judgmental french fry, ladies.  He’s all yours.  

Actually, I can’t imagine remarrying anyone if my husband passes before me.  As much as I’d miss him, I’m perfectly fine on my own.

 

 

 

[Hane]

@anachronistic, that’s so true about all too many married men. My second husband had virtually no male friends, and none of my friends had husbands inclined to pal around with him.

@JermajestyDuggar, at least your husband has some friendship connections. My friend’s husband was excited about retirement because he was one of a group of six buddies, all of retirement age, looking forward to hunting and fishing and playing cards together. Then, in a fairly short period, all of them but him passed away, and he was absolutely gutted. (He’s a gruff but sweet guy, and the only husband I know in our age group I’d take on a bet.)

Edited September 22, 2022 by Hane

[feministxtian]

8 hours ago, kpmom said:

Blech 🤮 Not if he was the last man on earth.  Take that last cold, humorless, judgmental french fry, ladies.  He’s all yours.  

Actually, I can’t imagine remarrying anyone if my husband passes before me.  As much as I’d miss him, I’m perfectly fine on my own.

 

 

 

There is pretty much no way in hell I'd remarry. I don't think I even want a FWB either. I'm totally disinterested in any more male companionship. I miss my husband like crazy, wish he was still here. But...a replacement? Hell no

[Howl]

A happily married woman I worked with said she'd never remarry if her husband passed away first because she'd "never want to raise another husband."  

Edited September 23, 2022 by Howl

[quiversR4hunting]

I can understand why many married women say they will never marry again. I also think others are like me, divorced in my late 40s (single now 3 years) and feel robbed of a good relationship and companionship that I tried so hard to make work. I've also done a lot of work on myself to deal with the betrayal by him and my parts in our issues.

I think remarriage or interest in companionship really depends on past relationships and healing yourself. I don't think either way is right or wrong.  

[JermajestyDuggar]

30 minutes ago, quiversR4hunting said:

I can understand why many married women say they will never marry again. I also think others are like me, divorced in my late 40s (single now 3 years) and feel robbed of a good relationship and companionship that I tried so hard to make work. I've also done a lot of work on myself to deal with the betrayal by him and my parts in our issues.

I think remarriage or interest in companionship really depends on past relationships and healing yourself. I don't think either way is right or wrong.  

I’ve realized I’m a loner by nature. I think I would never marry again. Mostly because of my personality. I like being alone way too much. And I’ll always have my kids. So even if I divorce, I’m sure my kids would still be around. Especially my youngest. He’s quite the clinger.

[Bastet]

Fortunately, the ladies in Steve’s church know enough unpleasant stories about Steve to make them hesitate to get involved with him. If he wants to marry again, he will, but the casserole-bearing ladies lined up on the porch will consist mainly of women whose financial problems encourage them to ignore his personality deficiencies. I think I’d rather live in a homeless shelter than with Steve, but I understand a woman deciding otherwise. (If he does remarry, he’d be wise to keep an eye on that rat poison he has stored in the garage.)

Edited September 23, 2022 by Bastet

[Bluebirdbluebell]

21 hours ago, Bastet said:

Fortunately, the ladies in Steve’s church know enough unpleasant stories about Steve to make them hesitate to get involved with him. If he wants to marry again, he will, but the casserole-bearing ladies lined up on the porch will consist mainly of women whose financial problems encourage them to ignore his personality deficiencies. I think I’d rather live in a homeless shelter than with Steve, but I understand a woman deciding otherwise. (If he does remarry, he’d be wise to keep an eye on that rat poison he has stored in the garage.)

Teri isn't dead yet and she seems more likely to outlive him than he is to outlive her.

[monkeyrocks71]

On 9/23/2022 at 8:42 AM, quiversR4hunting said:

I can understand why many married women say they will never marry again. I also think others are like me, divorced in my late 40s (single now 3 years) and feel robbed of a good relationship and companionship that I tried so hard to make work. I've also done a lot of work on myself to deal with the betrayal by him and my parts in our issues.

I think remarriage or interest in companionship really depends on past relationships and healing yourself. I don't think either way is right or wrong.  

I separated from a verbally abusive (becoming physically abusive) husband when our daughter was 2.  The economic and emotional fallout from that was horrible.  I worked my ass off to get a master's degree, worked three jobs at one point, lived on a $100/month food budget for the two of us, but eventually got a better paying job, bought a car and a house,  made a stable life for the two of us, and have basically done everything related to our daughter's upbringing (he is only marginally involved, and is regarded as a general POS by everyone who has known or even heard of him).  She's now a senior in high school. There is NO WAY I would ever put that at risk by becoming legally entangled (especially financially) with someone else.  I will probably never remarry, regardless of how much I love someone.

[Caroline]

On 9/21/2022 at 8:55 AM, anachronistic said:

why do they even need an alarm? Most older people I know wake up naturally very early. and if they don’t, where the heck are they going? What daily obligations do they have? That’s right….none. They could totally allow themselves to wake up naturally and be more refreshed as a result. They are just choosing the hard way on purpose, as always.

I'll be retiring from teaching next year after 42 years of getting up way too early for me.  It is the thing I am most looking forward to, believe it or not.  I am not a morning person and have been faking it for 40 years.  I have to be in the building at 7:00 and my first class starts at 7:30 every day.  It is torture for me.  In summer and on weekends I absolutely don't set an alarm.  I naturally wake up an hour later than I do for work and get up shortly after that.  So, not early, but not late either.  For me 8.5 hours of sleep is just right.  I'm confident that I won't be one of those older people who gets up at 5:00 a.m. naturally.  It's amazing how much better I feel on weekends and in summer when I get the right amount of sleep and it's not still dark when I get up.  I agree that the likes of the Maxwells will always choose the hard way because that makes them more holy, I guess.

[Ozlsn]

15 hours ago, Caroline said:

I have to be in the building at 7:00 and my first class starts at 7:30 every day.

OMG that sounds awful!! Is that normal for the US? What time do rural kids have to get up to get the bus, and what time does school finish? I used to catch the 8am bus for a 8.45am start (3.45pm finish) and that was hard enough. Is anyone even awake in the first class?

[anachronistic]

Some schools here are finally switching to later start times for high schoolers but yeah, a 7:30 am start isn’t unusual. It’s because little and big kids use the same busses and they don’t want the little kids to wait in the dark, and they want the big kids to have time for sports after school. This often means high schoolers are chronically sleep deprived because they need to catch the bus at 6:30 or even earlier. I’ve no idea how I did it for 4 years, doing it for 40 would not be in my cards at all.

[Bastet]

   It had been assumed that if you delayed school start time an hour for high schoolers, they would simply stay up an hour later, but then  a well-regarded study showed that not to be true—they got more sleep. Teenagers’s neurology often makes them night people for a few years and shit in the morning. The buses do the elementary school run last, even though those kids are boing! at 6 AM.  
   There really are more kids killed at bus stops if they have to wait in the dark, so there’s that, though locally groups of little kids always have an adult with them. 

[Pammy]

38 minutes ago, Bastet said:

   It had been assumed that if you delayed school start time an hour for high schoolers, they would simply stay up an hour later, but then  a well-regarded study showed that not to be true—they got more sleep. Teenagers’s neurology often makes them night people for a few years and shit in the morning. The buses do the elementary school run last, even though those kids are boing! at 6 AM.  
   There really are more kids killed at bus stops if they have to wait in the dark, so there’s that, though locally groups of little kids always have an adult with them. 

I don't think the status-quo start times are entirely (or even mostly) about the kids themselves. In my opinion, it's the parents of little kids who don't want to be the ones getting up stupid-early to meet the earliest busses. Running a morning routine for a little kid involves parents actively brushing teeth, supervising breakfast, packing lunches, checking for backpacks, etc. It's parents who have to go out with the little kids and stand at bus stops (or idle in cars)... and they'd rather do it later.

Teens still definitely require some degree of a parent making sure they are awake and making progress towards leaving the house on time. It's just not nearly as labour intensive, and the parent themself doesn't have to leave the house at all.

It's the parents setting these schedules, and I think they are doing it to suit themselves.

[monkeyrocks71]

11 hours ago, Pammy said:

I don't think the status-quo start times are entirely (or even mostly) about the kids themselves. In my opinion, it's the parents of little kids who don't want to be the ones getting up stupid-early to meet the earliest busses. Running a morning routine for a little kid involves parents actively brushing teeth, supervising breakfast, packing lunches, checking for backpacks, etc. It's parents who have to go out with the little kids and stand at bus stops (or idle in cars)... and they'd rather do it later.

Teens still definitely require some degree of a parent making sure they are awake and making progress towards leaving the house on time. It's just not nearly as labour intensive, and the parent themself doesn't have to leave the house at all.

It's the parents setting these schedules, and I think they are doing it to suit themselves.

Around here, it's actually because of sports. An individual district can't change to a later start time for high school because it messes up sports schedules with other districts.  The entire region would have to switch, and sooooo many people resist change of any sort.

Also, a big consideration around here is after school care - a lot of parents rely on older kids getting home first so they can watch the younger ones after school.

[JermajestyDuggar]

Elementary school starts earliest in our district. The middle school starts next. And the high school starts last. I think the high school doesn’t start until like 8:45am.  Of course they get out latest too. Maybe around 3:40 I think.